a joke

[Jah Lush]

Yawn............zzzzzzzzzz...wake me up when you've finished.

[Jah Lush]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry Mr Schwarz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like that. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's hugeness.

He stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show to you that you won't believe," he said, and opened the briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[spoonsby]

Another version of Keef's joke above:

Father Frank, the trainee priest, has been left in charge of the daily confessional by Father Earnest who gave him the list of sins and their appropriate solutions.

"Forgive me father," says the first sinner. "For I have stolen.

Father Frank consults his list. "For sinning you must say 5 hail marys".

The second sinner confesses to lying. And after looking it up on is list, Father Frank deals out 3 Hail Marys.

The third sinner enters the confessional.

"Forgive me Father," says the woman. "I have performed oral sex upon the window cleaner."

Father Frank, a little flushed by the bluntness, scans the list but finds no required absolution.

He looks again.

"Oral?" he mutters to himself as he scratches in vain.

In a panic he flings open the confessional door and shouts across the church to the cleaning lady, "what does Father Earnest give for a blow job?"

The cleaning lady looks up from the mopping and replies.....

"?12.50 if I take my teeth out"

[mockney piers]

I've just heard that the the Pakistan cricket team have packed up cricket in favour of bobsleighing.

[georgia]

Ha ha very good!>:D<

I heard they came back from the world cup with the ashes

[Jah Lush]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says: "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

"Oh, Father," she says: "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says: "That he did, Father."

The priest says: "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, `Mary, put down the gun!"

[Keef]

Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

[Jah Lush]

A guy walks into a bar and says: "Gimme twenty shots of your best whisky." The barman pours the shots, and the guy immediately pounds them all down like a madman.

The barman says: "Man, I've never seen anybody drink like that before."

He says: "You'd drink like that too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" asks the barman.

The guy says: "Fifty pence."

[bagpuss78]

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who lies awake at night asking if there's a dog

[bagpuss78]

The Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.:-$

[Jah Lush]

Two Irishmen were walking down the road when they found a mirror in the road.

Paddy looks into it and says: "Jesus that bloke looks really familiar."

Eamonn looks into it and says: "You eejit, it's me!"

[Jah Lush]

Loved the Voodoo penis joke Bagpuss. Gotta remember than one.

What do you call a pretty girl on a drummer's arm? A tattoo.

[spoonsby]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[James]

What does Carol Vorderman do when she gets constipation?

She works it out with a marker pen.

[bagpuss78]

Thankyou Jah Lush>:D

[bagpuss78]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

[bagpuss78]

My sister used to go out with a mushroom harvester................apparently he was a Fun Guy

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

[spoonsby]

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

[bagpuss78]

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

[Jah Lush]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say, "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[CrystalClear]

Am on amazon, where I saw this. Think I'll have to talk to the bank and see if I can get a loan.....

Save ?0.02 when you spend ?100,000.00 or more on Qualifying Items offered by Amazon.co.uk. Enter code M7575XH9 at checkout. Here's how (restrictions apply)

[CrystalClear]

Am on amazon, where I saw this. Think I'll have to talk to the bank and see if I can get a loan.....

Save ?0.02 when you spend ?100,000.00 or more on Qualifying Items offered by Amazon.co.uk. Here's how (restrictions apply)

[bagpuss78]

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

[TillieTrotter]

A woman goes to the doctors with her poorly husband. After his check-up, the doc calls the wife in alone. His advice was "you must make your husband a delicious, nutritious meal 3 times aday. Dont ever nag him. Dont discuss your problems with him as this will cause him stress. Most importantly you must make love to him several times a week. If you can to this for the next year your husband will make a full recovery".

When she has finished with Doc her husband asks her "what did the doc say?"

She replied " The doc says you're going to die" Boom Boom!!

[georgia]

Two nuns were riding a tandem in Covent Garden. The nun on the back seat remarked "I've never come this way before".

The other nun replied "Must be the cobble stones"