a joke

[David Mc]

I work for Reuters. Sorry. I shall don sackcloth and ashes for the next 40 days seconds. Now who is it you're with? The Sunday Sport or something? ;-)

Edited for carp spilleng.

[spark67]

A woman looked at her husband and sighed " i wish my tits were bigger. The husband looked up and handed her a wad of toilet paper and said, "here use this". "what's that for"? she asked. "to rub on your tits" he replied, "it worked on your arse"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Sean O'Neil, out in his pasture in southern Kilkenny, takes a

lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in

agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage to rise, he takes himself to the doctor.

He said, 'Ow bad is it Doc? I'm goin' on me honeymoon next week and me

fiance, Mary,is still a virgin.

Her expectations will be ver' high.

This is ver' embarrassing!'

Doctor O'Flarty responded, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint

to let it heal and keep it straight Sean. It should be OK next week.

But you will have to leave it splinted right up until first

intercourse.'

The doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4

sided splint, and taped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art

and engineering. But Sean is beside himself.

Sean mentions none of this to Mary, marries her, and they go on their

honeymoon to Limerick. That night in the hotel room, Mary slowly open

her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen deez before.'

Sean immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis,

Mary....still in DA CRATE!'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment

when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest,

and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,

The other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone

got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell

him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion Is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00, and is

afraid to come Home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[Xena Worried prince]

Mr Oluko goes home to his wife after visiting the local witch doctor and says to her

"Wife, get out me finest suit"

Mrs Oluko looks at him quizzically and asks "Why be that dear"

To Which Mr Oluko replies "IF dat der Witch Doctor says I am impotent then I is damn well going to dress impotent"

[Westie]

Q: What happened to Jesus when he went to Mt. Olive?

A: Popeye kicked the s#*t out of him!

[Mogs]

There has been a survey of the cities of the middle east to find out if they like 'The Flintstones'. Apparently Dubai don't but Abu Dhabi Do.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Little Johnny had just come back to school from his summer break and the teacher was asking all of the kids to stand up and tell the class what they had done in their holidays. When it came to the turn of Johnny he stood up and told the teacher " Well M'am I went down the woods with my mates, found some frogs and stuck fireworks up their ARSES". Horrified, the teacher replied " You mean RECTUM". Johnny was surprised and paused for a moment "WRECKD'EM? fucking blew 'em to pieces!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.

A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[northlondoner]

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick.

[Brendan]

Ask me if I'm an orange.

[Moos]

*obediently*

Are you an orange, Brenda?

[Brendan]

No.

[Moos]

I like it.

[Brendan]

Glad you did. You see I?m experimenting with a new type of humour. You know how you can have a poem that doesn?t rhyme but is still considered poetry. Well I?m applying that principle and trying to create humour that isn?t actually funny.

Makes sense dunnit?

[Brendan]

Although I think Horne and Corden may have got there first.

[Jah Lush]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

They asked, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[AllyCat]

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

[JetSetWilly]

two blokes were in the gym, pumping the weights, when the first one says "you know those steroids i was taking, well i,ve only gone an grown another cock." "anabolic",comes the reply. "no, just a cock."

[Xena Worried prince]

Miss Franny, A relief teacher arrives at Little Johnny's school and announces to the class that she will give a mars bar to any child who can tell her what her names is at the end of the day.

Encouraged by the idea of a mars bar for free, Johnny sets about trying to remember her name, and comes up with the expression "Fanny with an R"

All day long he quotes "Fanny with an R" to himself, even saying it to the dinner lady when she asks what he wants for lunch.

Come home time registration, Miss Franny asks the class to put their hands up if they can remember her name.

Only one hand goes up into the air, Johnny's, and Miss Franny asks Johnny what her names is

"Oh that is easy", says Johnny "It is Miss Crunt"

[Mikecg]

Did you hear about the suicide bomber who went to Ibiza for a month,

All Summer Bin Largin.

Boom! Boom!

If you pardon the pun......

[bigbadwolf]

That was rubbish Mike. Try harder in future.

[Mikecg]

Granted.

[????]

A blokes walking through a cemetry just after sunrise when he comes acroos a bloke squatting by a gravestone

"morning" he says

"No, just having a crap" the other one replies