a joke

[Jah Lush]

A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"

So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."

[Xena Worried prince]

Tom, Dick and Harry are three brothers all over 6ft 6 tall.

Tom and Harry have size 14 feet, and Dick has size 17.

one day tom and Harry go down to licorice for a night of drinking and dancing, and after a few snifters of brandy they get chatting to a couple of likely girls at the bar.

Harry suggests that they all go for a dance and after the first song finishes one of the girls looks down and proclaims (in broad saf london) "cor blimey mate lawk at the size of your feet"

To which Harry responds, "thats nuffing Luv. you should see the size of our' dicks!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 38 now and still waiting for that explanation.

[Xena Worried prince]

Two Nuns riding down a cobbled path and one says "Oh I haven't Cum this way before" and the other nun says "of course you haven't sister, the main road is shut and we are on a diversion"

Two Nuns sitting in a bath and one says "Wears the soap" and the other one says "Right behind you daft woman"

A Nun sitting in a bath when the doorbell goes, so she calls out "Who's there?" and a voice replies "It is the Blind man" so she gets out stark Bullock naked and answers the door, where upons the man at the door says "can you give to the RNIB" and rattles his tin.

[brum]

I asked my ex-wife what she wanted for her birthday, to which she replied 'something black and lacy'... So I bought her a pair of football boots.

[Xena Worried prince]

A Little boy is walking down the streets of Dublin, with his hand thrust deep in his pocket and a french stick in the other

The local priest comes across him and says "Ah my son, I see you have the staff of life in your hand" to which the boy replies, "that's right father and I have a loaf of bread in the other one"

[Jah Lush]

Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's Syndrome. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you c*nt."The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

[Jimbob]

bloke walks into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide,

clear off says the librarian you wont bring it back.

[David Mc]

There's a fantastic new machine at my gym. I was only on it for half an hour until I started feeling a bit sick. But it does EVERYTHING! Doritos, Kit-Kats, Coke....

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the

job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[boosboss]

Have you heard about Emo Grass?

It cuts itself ;-)

[Jimbob]

Michael Jackson has just announced the dates for his UK our.

They are...........

Paul aged 12,

Will aged 11,

Joe aged 14.........................

[Jah Lush]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car

comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled

with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best

bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter

made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm

Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[KalamityKel]

Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high

for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the

gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily

Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting a whole salami.

When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian

boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable

width='100%' teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A

coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of

Thorpe Avenue

, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German

prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was

repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 'He'd always seemed a nice

friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn

in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening

Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made

to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our

destination.'

3) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

wall.....'.'

4) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

5) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

6) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause .) 'Oh go on then,

stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.....'

7) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate

instructions.'

8) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your

bags into the doors.'

9) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?'

10) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please

move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal

message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away

from the door before I come down there and (the rest is censored!)'

11) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a

joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Nice One Kel!:))

I loved "10" in particular.

[Marmora Man]

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics..

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[Jah Lush]

Q: What do you get when you cross Fergal Sharkey with Bernard Manning?

A: Racist undertones.

[Horsebox]

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the oven 'til it's Bill Withers.

[David Mc]

JL: Surely as a journalist you ought to be crediting your sources?!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,

he replied, 'It's Lent'.

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny,

flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

[spark67]

A Jelly baby walks into the doctors with liquorice stuck to his willy. The doctor asks "What the hell have you been up too ? "

The jelly baby replies "f**king allsorts!"

[Jah Lush]

David Mc Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> JL: Surely as a journalist you ought to be

> crediting your sources?!

A journalist David, a fcuking journalist? I'm a writer dear boy, a writer. A bloody creative, not some mealy mouthed, lily livered, spineless two-faced hack!!! Grrrr! *Saunters off with bruised ego".

Sub-edited because I can. Huh!