a joke

[giggirl]

I can't believe I'm posting this....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't

decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[bigbadwolf]

Old Jewish Abraham comes back from his jewellry shop in a very excited state. "Moira! Moira! Oh I have excellent news my dear, I've won the national lottery". "Oh Abraham thats wonderful news". "Ah but I'm afraid there's something I have to do, I'm giving half my winnings to the Germans". "Good grief Abraham why on earth would you do a thing like that". Abraham rolls up his shirt sleeve and points at his wrist. "Because they gave me the numbers!".

[LuvPeckham]

Graffiti seen on the toilet door of a well known ED establishment

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease"

I can concur with that thought

[KalamityKel]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ?That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!? The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!?

The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.?

[EDOldie]

12 year old father Alfie Pattern has decided to join Fathers for Justice.

He's already got the Spiderman outfit

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

'Thirdly,' the lawyer said, 'did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And then the lawyer said, 'So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church

in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he

noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub

drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open

door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs

Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member

of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'

she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave

back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and

grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost

their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up

on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have

any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you

don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and

said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

[giggirl]

OUCH

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An elderly man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the

road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through

his scalp. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher

speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car

behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with

no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down

the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the

road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman

pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you

can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard

before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran

off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Geezer approaches this youth who is Fishing in Burgess Park Lake.

You won't catch anything there My Son, he, unhelpfully, advises.

Yes, I will! says the Youth.

I'll come back in 3 hours and I'll bet you an Even Fiver that you don't catch any fish!

You're on, says the Youth.

Geezer returns 3 hours later and to his astonishment he sees the Youth has caught a Big, Flat Fish.

I've Won the bet, says the Youth...Pay Up!

Geezer hands over a ?1.

Whats this, a lousy ?1?:X says the Youth..It should be a ?5!

Don't you realise you only get one-fifth of the odds for a Plaice Son!:)).......

[KalamityKel]

Blonde Diary

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

Octob er

Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[boosboss]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your wife can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123". Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffy ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

[Mikecg]

A Sheep farmer is concearned that his flock is not going to mate ready for Lambing season so he phones the local vet

He tells the vet that the sheep arn't falling pregnant and he is worried sick that there be no lambs this season

The vet assures him that the flok with bare offspring in the next few weeks and advises that when the sheep are lying down they will have fallen pregnant.

two weeks pass by and the farmer contacts the vet again and says, you told me they would be laying down by now a nothing has happend.

The vet advises the Farmer you may need to artificialy inceminate them, the farmer agrees and bundles four sheep into his Landrover drives them into the woods and gives them a good rogering.

The next day the Farmer wakes and he looks out of the the Farmhouse window and says to himself their still not laying down I'll have to do them again, so he bundles the sheep into the landrover and takes them back to the woods.

He wakes up the next morning and he is totaly shattered, he askes his wife, are the sheep lying down?

So she looks out of the window and says No, but thiers four in the Landrover and ones bibing the horn.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Antony was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided that he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,

"but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $65 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Jah Lush]

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

He tells the priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?

"Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[Ted Max]

A dog is knocked down by a car - and its owner rushes it to the vet.

The vet inspects the dog, and says, "I'm afraid your dog is dead. My condolences." But the owner is stricken with grief and asks for a second opinion. So the vet says, "Tibbles, can you come in here?" And in walks the practice cat, who sniffs up and down the dog, and starts mewling sadly.

Not convinced, the owner asks for a third opinion. So the vet whistles once and this time his own pet dog walks in and surveys the scene, before woofing quietly several times.

"I'm afraid there's no doubt," the vet says. "Your dog has passed away. Now, I'm sorry to say this, but there is the matter of my fee - its ?750."

"Seven and a half hundred quid? Just to tell me my dog's dead. You can't be serious," cries the owner.

"Well, said the vet, it would have been ?50. But that was before you had the cat scan and the lab report."

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday

I think the must have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

[Xena Worried prince]

A Man went out for a ride on his new bicycle, and 40 miles from home his chain snaps (poor workmanship), he is sitting at the side of the road when his friend comes past in a Porsche 911, his friend stops and asks whats wrong

"My Chains snapped" said the man "and its too far to push home"

"Well" says his friend "these cars don't have the space to store a bike, but I tell you what, I will tie a tow rope to your handlebars and tow you home, if I go too fast for you ring your bell to let me know and I will slow down again"

the man agrees to this idea and 5 minutes later they set off at a steady 20 miles per hour.

A few miles down the road, a Ferrari flashes past the pair of them and the Porsche driver sees red, puts his foot down and starts chasing the Ferrari. 30mph, 40, 50, 60... all the way up to 120, and behind him his mate starts ringing his bell frantically to get him to slow down, but the driver of the Porsche can't hear a thing above the roar of his engine.

a mile down the road they pass a police office sitting in his car who immediately radios the situation into the station

"Sarge, Sarge" he says "You won't believe what idiocy I am seeing at the moment, a Ferrari just shot past me at 120 miles per hour....hang on there is a Porsche chasing him at the same speed.... and ... oh my God Sarge you won't believe this now but there is some bloke right behind them both also doing 120mph .... on a push bike .....yes sarge I said a push bike ....and I think he is ringing his bell to let them know he wants to overtake....."

[Jimbob]

This bloke walks into the kitchen to see his wife frying a sock.

"what are you doing" he asks.

"what you asked me to do after you rolled in pissed last night" she replies.

Off he wanders scratching his head, " I don,t remember asking her to cook my sock".

[Mikecg]

Brace yourself, do not continue if you don't like sick jokes because this is SICK!

What does an old granny and a pork pie have in common?

you have to bite the crust off and suck out the jelly to get to the meat.....

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Nicked this joke from The Guardian's OBO

"A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responds, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead campanologist's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

[Jah Lush]

Two Indian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.