a joke

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....'

[Jah Lush]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

My boss is French and sent me this, so I figured that it was Ok to share

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ....... at ze beginning."

[AllyCat]

Do you want to see a man who looks like a thumb?!

Made me giggle!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Words of wisdom.

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention .

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a lady for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[Jah Lush]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."

[Atila Reincarnate]

Woman comes home early catches husband masturbating, rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. He asks why as they haven't had sex for 6 months, she replies "I just washed the floor and I'd rather brush my teeth than wash the f**king floor again!"

[Mikecg]

Did you hear about the 2 fleas that won the lottery,

They went and bought a dog in spain.>:D<

[georgia]

Very Important Message from the CDC

The Centers of Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly

contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by

hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload

Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of

your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should

come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or

both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[citizenED]

A woman dropped dead in front of me in Tescos today. Felt sorry for her. She'd just bought a "bag for life"

[Jimbob]

What do the Chelsea board, the Met police and the girl with the itchy fanny have in common ?

They all regret going for a Brazilian.

[KalamityKel]

a guy comes to the doctor -- "doctor, i am developing holes in my penis"

the doctor says "well, you have to stop masterbaiting"

the guy says "Oh, WHY??"

the doctor: Because i have to examine you.

[Mikecg]

KK you start early? I think it's terminal.

[KalamityKel]

start early? good gosh wot could you possibly mean? ::o ;-) hehe

[Mikecg]

.

[KalamityKel]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends ?15k and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops to buy a paper.

Before leaving, she says to the man,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"No - I'm exactly 50!" the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "About 29?"

The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I'm 50!"

Now she's feeling really good. She stops at Boots on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the man the same question.

He responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30?"

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Well, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a guaranteed way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and then gently pinches each nipple.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "OK OK....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says:

"Madam, you are......50!"

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible - how could you tell?"

The old man says, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day ?

Everyone!

[Mikecg]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him 2 ease the pain by dippin it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blond wife comes home and finds him with his d!ck in the saucer of cold milk. Good heavens, she remarks. I always wondered how you re-loaded those things.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[Jah Lush]

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.

When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

[charliecharlie]

A really shy man goes into EDT on Valentine's Day and sees a beautiful girl called ****** sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't sleep with you, you lying, pox ridden Lothario!"

Everyone in the pub starts staring at them and the man, deeply embarrassed, scuttles back to his table, his confidence and hopes dashed to the ground.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and apologizes, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm doing a degree in psychology and I'm analysing how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At this the guy responds, shouting as loudly as he can, "What do you mean, ?500, you must be bl**dy joking"