a joke

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his Bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[TillieTrotter]

lol

[Jah Lush]

The makers of Pedigree Chum have gone bust and have called in the retrievers.

[Jah Lush]

SOME INTERESTING FACTS

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs.

[flapjackdavey]

did you know the elephant shrew never closes its' eyes .

[SteveT]

same as fish, fly's, and snakes.

Pretty rare then.

[lozzyloz]

Is that where the saying rule of thumb came from?

[Keef]

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish

[Jimbob]

i shagged a girl with brittle bone disease last night

cor, she was a right cracker.

[Jimbob]

tampax have announced they are replacing the sting on tampons with a piece of tinsel.

however it will only be for the christmas period.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Marriage is a three-ring circus

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

[SimonM]

Blimey, Les Dawson Lives! :))

[bigbadwolf]

How do you know if a girl from eastern Europe is on her period?

She's only wearing one sock.

[Huguenot]

I don't get that - does it mean Eastern Europeans are too poor for sanitary products, too unpleasant for sanitary products, too witless for sanitary products or something even more unnecessary?

Either way BBW, I'm guessing you've just substituted one very unwelcome racial prejudice with another - what did 'Eastern European' say before you pasted it in there?

If I'm being cycnical I do apologise, I'm not always the best at getting jokes of this nature.

If I'm right, can you just edit it yourself?

[bigbadwolf]

Eastern Europeans aren't a race so it isn't racial. But apart from that Huguenot you have absolutely no problem with jokes that target the Irish and the disabled? You guessed wrong I didn't substitute 'eastern European' for anything, paste or delete. You were right about the direction of the joke i.e to uncivilized to use a tampon instead but it's just a joke, not some Aryan call to exterminate Slavs, get a grip.

[Jimbob]

socks, and there was me thinking they used new born lambs.

[David Mc]

Let's face it, it just wasn't a very (or even remotely) good joke.

H, you're not being "cycnical", just a bit too PC. And bbw - please, brush up on the quality of your material before posting it.

I once was proud to quote jokes that I'd remembered and found funny enough from this thread, but haven't done so since the "ghandi floss" one!

Much love and a Happy New Year to all!

P.S. I'll leave you with this, courtesy of b3ta:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz

chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around

the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed-off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you."

[Jimbob]

lets just make fun of blind people,the elderly;-) and japanese peoples inability to pronounce english properly instead.

[David Mc]

Yeah - PCness sucks.

[Huguenot]

Whatever you like re. PC. I don't think jokes designed to belittle, humiliate or reinforce negative prejudices carry much wit. That particular quip would have left nothing but tumbleweed and an unpleasant taste.

[Jeremy]

Look, no harm in poking a bit of fun, IMO... as long as there's an actual "joke" there, rather than just an insult...

[TillieTrotter]

What Jeremy said.