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Mark

By Mark
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kidder

kidder

Posted
Posted

One day a woman found a lamp in the street and as you do she gave it a little rub.


Sure enough a genie popped out and said ?I will grant you three wishes, but I must warn you that with each wish, your husband will experience 10 times worth?


Thinking about it for a few seconds she accepted the offer and said


?Make me the richest woman in the world?


The genie said ?you do realise that your husband will become ten times richer than you?


?That?s OK, we have been married for 15 years, we are a couple, what is mine is his and his is mine?


Poooof: she became the richest woman in the world


?For my next wish I want you to make me the most beautiful woman in the world?


You do realise that this will make your husband the most attractive man alive, women all over the world will want him and desire him?


?That?s ok as I will be the most attractive woman he will only have eyes for me?


Pooof: she became the most beautiful woman alive


?And for your 3rd wish?? said the genie


She thought for a while, and then said


?For my third wish I would like...a mild heart attack"

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Jah Lush

Jah Lush

Posted
Posted

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.


On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster.


Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

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Rhinestone Cowboy

Rhinestone Cowboy

Posted
Posted

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


The wind was blowing 50 knots.




I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'


My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s**t?'


I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

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djfitz

djfitz

Posted
Posted

A guy walks into a bar. As he gets to the counter all the lights go out. In the darkness he turns to the person next to him.


"Want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks.


"Before you start this joke, there's something I should tell you'" says the female voice at his side.


"I'm blonde. I'm also a professional boxer. My friend is blonde too and she's a marine. My other friend is also blonde. and she's a semi-pro wrestler. So, are you sure you want to tell this joke?"


"Well not if I have to explain it three times! F*ck it!"

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djfitz

djfitz

Posted
Posted

A young lady goes to her doctor complaining of really bad headaches. He instructs her to strip off all her clothes and stand at the far end of the room, by a long mirror.


"Will this cure my headaches, doctor?" she asks.


He peered over his glasses and, rubbing his chin in a sagely kind of way, replied "Trust me. I'm a doctor"


After stripping off he asks her to stand on her head.


"So this will cure my headaches, will it?" she asks again.


"Please, just do as I ask" he said.


As she is precariously balanced upside down he walks up behind her, whips her legs apart, and rams his chin down into her crotch. He looks at himself in the mirror and says:


"Yeah, the lads were right. A beard wouldn't suit me at all!"

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kidder

kidder

Posted
Posted

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.


As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.


However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?


Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year

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Brendan

Brendan

Posted
Posted

Knock knock who's there!


Umm... Who?


Banana! (giggle)


Banana who?


Knock knock who's there?


Who?


Banana! (more giggling)


Banana who?


Knock knock who's there?


Who?


Orange! (even more giggling)


Orange who?


(giggling obscures words) Banana! (pause) you say "knock knock!"


Okay. Knock-knock, who's there?


Who?


(unable to think of a single knock-knock joke) Umm... Banana?


No! How about tomato?


Tomato.


No! How about motorcycle?


Motorcycle.


(immoderate giggling)






How about motorcycle, indeed.

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Brendan

Brendan

Posted
Posted

VeryBerryCherry Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a

> dyslexic, and an agnostic?


> Someone who sits up all night wondering if there

> really is a dog.


What happens when you mix a considerable amount of alcohol with Dulwich Village?


You wake up in the morning wondering if you?re still in the dog.

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Huguenot

Huguenot

Posted
Posted

Tottingham...


Haringey council has blocked Tottenham's plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: "We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much."


"I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points."


Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.


A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. "What about your parents?" asks the social worker. "No, they beat me," says the boy. "What about your grandparents?" says the social worker. "No, they beat me even harder!" says the boy. "Well ... where do you want to stay then?" replies the social worker. "Tottenham," says the boy. "They don't beat anyone.


? What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points


Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. "It ought to," replies the groundsman. "We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week."


I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.


? What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox


After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, "No way, I ain't that special".


Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.


Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren't they holding everyone else up?


What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.


A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.


What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.


Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.


? Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.


A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: "Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1," reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again." The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?" "Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him six months."


When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.


All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.


What's the difference between Juande Ramos and a cowboy? A cowboy wears Spurs on his boots whereas Ramos is a crap manager.


What does THFC stand for? Tottenham Heading For the Championship.


A little boy gets ?10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, "Sorry, son, this ball is ?20. You only have ?10". The boy says, "OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for ?10?" He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball." Next he gives him a Millwall ball: "I hear lions, so it's Millwall." Amazed, the shopkeeper says, "Get this and you can have it for nothing." The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he's heard a cockerel. "No," says the boy. "It's going down."


What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.


Spurs have been forced to rename their ground "White Lane" because their "Hart" was surgically removed when Berbatov and Keane were sold.


Breaking news: Tottenham Hotspur have finally won a game. It was a friendly behind closed doors at non-league Walthamstow the other day. And if you don't believe us here is the proof.

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????

????

Posted
Posted

More Spurs


Spurs are due to play Arsenal in the Mickey Mouse cup so Fabregas says to the Arsenal team


"look lads, this is a stupid competition and it's only Tottenham why don't you lot go down the pub and I'll take them on myself?"


"Great" the rest of the squad say and go down the pub,


"They're all having a beer and playing pool and Walcott comes in from the other bar and says "It's half time and we're winning 1-0"


"Excellent" they all say and get on with their pool game forgeting about the Spurs game.


At closing in walks a flabbergasted Fabregas. "Well?" Theo asks

"I'm really sorry lads it was 1-1"

"Nooo" they all chorus "What happened?"

"I got sent off 10 mins into the second half" Replies Fabregas.

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Ladygooner

Ladygooner

Posted
Posted

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

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