a joke

[Rolo Tomasi]

What the hell?

[Brendan]

What the hell indeed!

[Jah Lush]

Tut tut..very poor taste indeed VBC.

Talking of poor taste though...

Two drunks are in a pub.

One says to the other 'I've fucked your mother, pushed my cock down her throat

then boned her up the arse'.

The other drunk says 'I think you've had enough to drink now, Dad'.

[Sue]

VeryBerryCherry Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> It's a terribly old joke - but someone told it to

> me again over the weekend. And the child in me

> couldn't help but find it funny. :)

xxxxxxx

But it isn't funny, is it??

[hibbs]

> Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's

> Christmas Party.

>

> He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

> Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

>

> As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding

> headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last

> night.

>

> He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a

> couple of aspirins n ext to a glass of water on the side table. And,

> next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the

> garden.

>

> He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of

> drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window

> and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,

> squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This

> was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

>

> As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a

> post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red,

> with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

>

> 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast

> is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the

> morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today,

> hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you,

> darling!

>

> He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,

> steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at

> the table, eating.

>

> Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous

> night.

>

> 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You

> fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the

> hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

>

> Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect

> order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting

> for me?'

>

> His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when

> she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you

> slapper, I'm married!!'

>

> Broken Coffee Table ?250

> Hot Breakfast ?3.50

> Two Aspirins 20p

> Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

>

[Jah Lush]

This morning I received a phone call from an absolutely gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and

she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"

So I told her to f*ck off.

[SteveT]

Cracker Jah.

Full marks for your wicked, edgy wit.

[EDOldie]

Whats the capital of Iceland?

About ?4.50

[SteveT]

Down to ?2.95 today.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

I thought it was 'I'.

[The Goose]

Two drunken old men on a park bench one night .

" Is That The Moon Up There ? "

" I dunno mate I don't live 'round here "

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

[mockney piers]

What's the capital of Iceland?

About ?3.50

[david_carnell]

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

Hat-tip: BBC News

[Jah Lush]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Dublin.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a large whiskey, which was promptly brought and

placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than

let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'

[giggirl]

They weren't flying Ryanair then Jah?

[Jah Lush]

I doubt it. I hear the service is a bit shoddy.

[giggirl]

Exactly true. I once heard that Ryanair ground turnaround is so fast that it's said to be the only airline where the planes actually speed up after landing. That doesn't really inspire confidence does it.

[Jah Lush]

There were a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman, talking in a pub...

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Well no, not me meself, personally,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'

[benjaminty]

What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can manage a deposit on a Ferrari.....

[kidder]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then which one are you?'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a

farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the

donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The

farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok,

then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said You can't

raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell

anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and

asked,

'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.' The

farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I

gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

[VeryBerryCherry]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress

party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he

writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days

later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted

handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you

will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,

so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another

parcel.

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long

robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look

the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from

emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So

he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a

very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden

Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a

toffee apple

[Jah Lush]

Three parrots are for sale.

They cost ?100, ?200 and ?15.

A woman asks, "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says,"F**k me a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.

The husband comes home and the parrot says "F**k me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks".

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."