a joke

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Keef Wrote:

I've always been "Oi you,get my dinner on the

> table and your arse in the bedroom PRONTO" type

> man when i get home from work... .*prays and hopes fluffy-bunny treacle toes

> isn't on the EDF at the moment>

> Reminded me of this.>

> RON'S STORY

> It is important for men to remember that, as women

> grow older.......

> After all, we are put on this earth to help each

> other, eh?>

> Ron>

> EDITOR'S NOTE:>

> Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a

> 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a***

> with only 2 inches showing.>

> His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman

> jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat

> on it.

Heartwarming that some Men still care.Funny Story:)).

Shame about the sad ending though.Poor Man.::o

[Jah Lush]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Brendan]

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[local estate agent]

The Pope arrives at JFK Airport and he's met at a baggage claim

by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered

sign that says "Pope."

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo-and His

Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still

standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope." Says the driver in accented English, "Why have

you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me

drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!", protested the driver,

wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in

right behind the wheel. He quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, good grief, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman

approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his

motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo

going a hundred and five miles per hour.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But the f*cking Pope's his chauffeur!

[Marmora Man]

A Scot's Tale

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to masturbate!''''

''''But......'''' stammers the driver.

''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy kill yu!''''

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.

''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''

So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.

''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to kill me!'''' whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''

[Jimbob]

This old lad walks into the packed doctors surgery for his appointment.

"Morning Mr Jones, and what do you need to see the doctor for this morning," asks the receptionist.

"I,ve got a problem with my dick," replies Jones.

Outraged the receptionist tells him off "you should n,t be giving answers like that in front of a packed waiting room, you could embarrass someone, in future if the problem is of an intimate nature you should say something like "I have a sore ear", and then when in the privacy of the doctors office then you should say what the real problem is."

Jones is equally outraged but apologises and tells her he will leave, come back in and start again.

The receptionist fells quite smug when several minutes later old Jones comes back to the desk and when she asks why he needs to see the doctor, he replies he has a problem with his ear.

"and what is wrong with your ear this morning Mr.Jones," she asks.

"I can,t piss out of it".

[Ladygooner]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[TillieTrotter]

That's hilarious, it made me laugh out loud.

[Ladygooner]

TillieTrotter Wrote:

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> That's hilarious, it made me laugh out loud.

Me too, which is why I thought it deserved a larger audience!

[giggirl]

OMG - my boss just asked me what I'm laughing at. I had to lie and he KNOWS I lied. Poo. Not having a good day at the coalface.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.

She says No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face

was plastered with red lipstick, and

a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say

Father, what causes arthritis?" The Priest replies, "My Son, it's

caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much

alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with

prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,

"Well, I'll be damned. "

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have

you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father. I was

just reading here that the Pope does."

[Jimbob]

What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

[VeryBerryCherry]

I'm hoping most of you won't be offended:

Gary Glitter is on his computer when he hears his front door slam.

His girlfriends marches in glaring at him and screams,

" That's it! I have had enough! I'm packing my bags and I'm getting out of here!"

He follows her into the bedroom as she storms about throwing clothes into an open suitcase.

"But why!?" he asks.

Seeing him in the doorway, she stops. Hands on hips, she glowers at him and retorts,

"I've come back from my psychotherapist and she told me that you are a peodophile!!!!"

To which he replies....

"That's a big word for an 8 year old!"

[VeryBerryCherry]

Joe returns to the doctor to get his test results:

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said,"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2

neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34

would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Jah Lush]

Q: What's the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a cross country run?

A: One is a pant in the country, the other is a...

[Jah Lush]

FINALLY A MALE DUMB BLONDE JOKE!

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says: "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought ?300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent ?20,000 on a new car and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left for a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least fives boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis."

[The Goose]

Mark Wrote:

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> Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?

>

> The ultra-sound man

I don't get it .

[Annasfield]

flappers Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Mark Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?

> >

> > The ultra-sound man

>

> I don't get it .

Really? :-S

[Annasfield]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such

a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had se x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Jimbob]

Following on from the success of Quantum of Solace , Daniel Craig has signed up for the next James Bond film. It going to be set in Liverpool and is provisionally titled On Her Majestys Social Service.

[VeryBerryCherry]

This post and its replies removed following complaints - this is meant to be a fun thread - The Administrator

[Brendan]

Excuse me?

[VeryBerryCherry]

It's a terribly old joke - but someone told it to me again over the weekend. And the child in me couldn't help but find it funny. :)