a joke

[Guest]

Funny you should say that; was seriously thinking about adding her post about 'eating Tex Mex in gentrified surroundings' to the 'things that have made me laugh recently' thread.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to

dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

[i got dulwich on me]

A blonde a brunette and a red-head were stuck on an island for many years until one day they found a magic lamp They rubbed it and out popped a genie. he said he would give them three wishes, since there were three of them they would get a wish each. The red-head said "i hate it here, its to hot and to boring, i want to go home!" OKAY replied the genie and off she went. The brunette said "i miss my friends and family i want to go home too" And off she went. The blonde started crying and said "i miss my friends i wish they were back here"!

[Jah Lush]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed herewhen my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. 'But, where did you get the tools? 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make

the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[Jimbob]

just been on the news a chinese couple have produced an albino baby. just goes to dispel the theory, two wongs can make a white.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Poor Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doing?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.??∏

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, and starts to rub herself all over him.

She says, 'Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someo ne else,

but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday!

[Jah Lush]

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace. The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.

When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail. After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!" The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

[giggirl]

A presentation from my friend Andrew who is obviously very bored at work today.

[thebrit78]

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer, and asks the bartender "What do I owe you?" The Bartender replies "For you, no charge."

My first post!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Amir Khan is a bit cheap, out with him sat night and he did not even get a round in!

[Jah Lush]

Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie pulls her knickers down and f**ks her senseless.

He turns to Elton, says 'your turn' but Elton starts crying.

'What's wrong', asks Robbie?

Elton sobs and says 'my head won't fit in the railings'.

[Jimbob]

gary glitter bought a bottle of red wine today after the salesman told him it was a full bodied 12 year old that went down easily.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?"

The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

[Moos]

For those of you that liked the Tolstoy dog:-

Two beekeepers are chatting. One says "I've got 10,000 bees in 20 hives. They've got loads of space, make loads of honey, happy bees."

The second beekeeper says "I've got a million bees in one hive."

The first one says "isn't that a bit crowded ?"

To which the second one replies "Yeah, but they're only bees, f*** 'em".

[Brendan]

I heard a similar joke in a pub a few nights ago except it involved an aussie a yank and a paddy.

And some spectacularly bad attempts at their accents.

[SteveT]

Three men talking in a bar after a few beers

German:- vee haff a man who ran a whole marathon with a vooden leg..............

American:- we have a guy who ran from New York to Boston and he has 2 wooden legs....

Englishman:- we have a chap who ran the whole country and he has a wooden head

[local estate agent]

Did you hear about the Gay magician?

...................................

He disappeared with a Poof!!

[Jah Lush]

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar.

The Freudian orders a cigar.

The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face.

"You cretins!" says the Lacanian.

He then orders a beer, which, however, he does not desire.

[Brendan]

A surrealist walks into a subversive sense of perspective.

[local estate agent]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[Brendan]

An estate agent turns into a bar...

[Jimbob]

whats the difference between spurs and a toothpick?

a toothpicks got more points.

[Keef]

I've always been "Oi you,get my dinner on the table and your arse in the bedroom PRONTO" type man when i get home from work...

...*prays and hopes fluffy-bunny treacle toes isn't on the EDF at the moment

Reminded me of this.

RON'S STORY

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.

But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*** with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Two men in their forties are walking towards each other on Lordship Lane, both are dragging their right legs.

First one nods and says "Falklands, '82."

Second one says "Dog shit corner of Frogley Road."

[Jah Lush]

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.

The fireman asks 'how do we get there?'

'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the f*cking big red truck!'