a joke

[Jah Lush]

A man visits his doctor for a health check.

"I'm afraid that I am going to have to ask you to stop masturbating', says the doctor.

"Oh no, why is that?' asks the worried patient.

"Well, I am trying to examine you" replies the Doctor,"And it is really putting me off".

[KalamityKel]

hahaha I nearly choked then!

[david_carnell]

Someone gets popbitch on a Thursday afternoon!

[KalamityKel]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome

cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,

"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and

hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could

say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have

to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,

"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would

make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,

I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[jumpinjackflash]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.There was a sign on the cage that said ?50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgarstuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living, room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[KalamityKel]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, 'Stuff the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

[Jimbob]

This credit crunch has hit me really hard, I,ve started shopping in Lidl instead of Sainsburys. Some nice things there though, I,d recommend the Korean meatmalls, they,re the dogs bollocks.

[KalamityKel]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

o "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

o "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

o "Washing machine: free to good home."

o "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

o "Great Dames for sale."

o "Lost Cocktail."

o "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

o "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

o "Free ducks. You catch."

o "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

o "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

o "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

o "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

o "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

o "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

o "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

o "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

o "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

o "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

o "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

o "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

o "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

o "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

o "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

o "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

o "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

o "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

o "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

o "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

o "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

o "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

o "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

o "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

o "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

o "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

o "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

o "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

o "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

o "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

o "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

o "Tattoos done while you wait."

o "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

o "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

o "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

o "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

o "Stock up and save. Limit: one."

o "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

o "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

o "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

o "This house has been fully insulted."

o "Man, honest. Will take anything."

o "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

o "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

o "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

o "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

o "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

o "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

o "Illiterate? Write today for free help."

o "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

o "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

o "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

o "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

o "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

[Jah Lush]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either.'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you give a shit?'

[Jimbob]

two fish were in a tank, one turns to the other" do you know to drive this".

[Ladygooner]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very

faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic

on The Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, So they stopped

in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was

wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin

them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a

wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The

next Day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet

and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other

husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm

starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed

with a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire

Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Jimbob]

Why have NASA not sent a woman to the moon ? Because it doesnt cleaned yet.

[Huguenot]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, delivers all that noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Mark]

God in da house, make some noize ...

[edited once]

[Jah Lush]

Wicked! >:D

[giggirl]

Brilliant - I'm laughing out loud. I especially like the sane looking person on the front row who doesn't move a muscle. Probably got dragged along by someone and is just sitting there thinking WTF?

Try this; it's annoyed me and now I would like it to annoy you. You're welcome. Don't mention it.

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

That was fun - got there in the end.

[Jimbob]

gary glitter has been given a date for his release.she,s 8, but passes for 12 with make-up on.

[macroban]

Why don't estate agents look out the window in the mornings?

Because they'd have nothing to do in the afternoons.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man cooks Deer for dinner but won't tell his kids what it is. He gives them a clue "It's what mum calls me sometimes".

The little girl cries, " Don't eat it! It's a f**king a@rsehole!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I keep having my profile rejected on match.com, one of the questions is " What do you want in a woman?"

Apparently "My C*ck" is not an acceptable answer!

[LuvPeckham]

A female friend of mine recently accused me of going deaf after I turned up at her house with a grandfather clock

Aparently she claims that I had misheard her phone call to me requesting that I "bring my big clock over so that I could give her a good time" :-$

Women - I will never understand them ::o

[Jimbob]

Chinese anti-terrorism police today stopped a lorry load of wooden poles and barbed wire from entering the Birds Nest stadium in Bejing. After completing their enquiries the cargo was allowed to proceed, turned out it was for the Irish fencing team.

[Jimbob]

Gary Glitter was stopped on his way back into the country and subjected to a drugs search, they found class A in his wallet, class B in his pocket, and class 5C in his suitcase.

[Moos]

Louisa