a joke

[jumpinjackflash]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the

hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition

because I had been poisoned.I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking

my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard

as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food

[KalamityKel]

For the cat :))

[ratty]

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

[KalamityKel]

.

Sorry karter decided to post the same one (see below). THought I'd be kind and let him have a moment :)

[karter]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand Does either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean; what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? - I got proof.

What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

[Ant]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[KalamityKel]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

~ Kelly, age 6

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

~ James age, 6

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea

all round you, you are incontinent.

~ Wayne , age 7

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson . She's not my friend no more

~ Kylie, age 6

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

~ Billy, age 8

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.

~ Millie, age 6

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to

make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating

beans.

~ William, age 7

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.

And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?

~ Helen, age 6

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always

screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister

has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

~ Amy, age 6

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give

you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they

have to plug themselves into chargers.

~ Christopher, age 7

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy

small.

~ Kevin, age 6

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't

go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

~ Becky, age 8

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going

very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass.

~ Julie, age 7

[boosboss]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

-----------------------

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

------------------------

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

----------------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---------------------------

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

------------------------------

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

--------------------------

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

------------------------

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---------------------------

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

--------------------------

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

----------------------

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

--------------------------

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

--------------------------------

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

--------------------------

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

------------------------------

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

-------------------------

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

------------------------

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

--------------------------------

[Mark]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.

You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years

before the Priest said to her,'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,

'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.

'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.

'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.'

[Jah Lush]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you have a wank, do you think?

a) You need more time together.

b) She's a prude.

c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

[KalamityKel]

::o Jah!!!!

*tries to control giggles*

[KoolBananas]

.

[SteveT]

Jah I LOL>:D

[jumpinjackflash]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of fuel,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his fuel tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my fuel tank'?

The bee answered 'Bee Pee'

[jumpinjackflash]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a

well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes

of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered

vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the

remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking

good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

So resonant JJF!

[georgia]

Feminine marketing:

1) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

You move up to him and say:

- I am phenomenal in bed.

That is Direct Marketing.

2) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

One of your friends moves up to him and says:

- That woman is phenomenal in bed.

That is Advertising.

3) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

You ask for his mobile number. The following day you call and say:

- I am phenomenal in bed.

That is Telemarketing.

4) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

You recognise this man. You move up to him and refresh his memory saying:

- You remember me? I am fantastic in bed.

That is Customer Relationship Management.

5) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

You rise, you arrange your dress, you approach him and offer him a drink. You complement his appearance. You offer a cigarette and you say:

- I am phenomenal in bed.

That is Public Relations.

6) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

He moves close to you and says to you:

- I heard that you are phenomenal in bed.

That is Branding, the Power of the Brandname.

7) You are at a party and you see a fascinating man.

You move up to him and say:

- I am phenomenal in bed, and flash one breast.

That is Merchandising.

Masculine marketing:

1) You are at a party and you see a beautiful woman.

You move up to her and say:

I am phenomenal in bed and can go on all the night without stopping.

That is False Advertising and........... is punishable by law.

[KalamityKel]

Haha god that was certainly worth the read, c&p and forwarding on to others!

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Guy goes into a Bar and orders a drink.Whilst at the Bar he hears "Hi! I have to say you are looking really attractive tonight Its great to see you again!" The Guy looks round to see the comments are coming from a Bowl of Peanuts on the side of the Bar.Strange,he thinks.He goes over to the Juke Box but sees it is not working.Before he walks away the Juke Box growls at him "What you again?..I've told you before,you are not welcome here:(.

He returns to The Bar thinking how weird this all is.He says to The Barman."Whats occurring here?.The bowl of peanuts tells me how great I am while the Juke Box abuses me!"."Ah! Thats easy" says The Barman."The nuts are complimentary but the Juke Box is out of order!"....

[giggirl]

An amnesiac walked into a bar and said, "do I come here often?"

[indiepanda]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

[KalamityKel]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an

attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things

I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

[lozzyloz]

BRAVE MAN JOKES

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ?400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on ?800 a year'.

[Jah Lush]

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

[Keef]

A man and a lady who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

'Madam, I'm very sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?, I'm awfully cold.'

The lady replied, 'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea! 'He exclaimed!

'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own f**king blanket.'

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.