a joke

[David Mc]

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and

down, and the old boy says, "You must love that, you haven't left it

alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

[spadetownboy]

The sound of music 2 is soon to be released, starring the von trapped family it is rumoured they spent 24 years in an austrian cellar perfecting the show.

[East Dulwich Angst]

Not a joke as such, but something I came across that made me smile. It's called.............

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'pissed' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Alan Feedlebra]

I was walking through the churchyard yesterday on my way to work when I saw a man near a gravestone.

"Morning" I said.

"nope, having a shit"

[spadetownboy]

a neighbour of josef fritzl, was asked by a journalist how long he had known fritzl,s daughter alice. "alice",he replied "alice,who the fcuk is alice, you mean for 24 years i,ve been living next door to alice".

[Marmora Man]

Do Doctors Brag?

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we

can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him

looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one

person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four

weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we

can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have

them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we

recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White

House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Jah Lush]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been e xpecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," sa id Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Huguenot]

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

[spadetownboy]

what do rangers supporters do after seeing their team win the 2008 uefa cup?

switch off the playstation.

[spadetownboy]

two cannibals were lunching one day, when the first pipes up " you know I don,t really like your mother in law. the second one replies "well just put her on the side of the plate and eat your chips"

[brianb]

put my tea in the oven earlier , went to get it out 20 mins later

it had vanished- not a trace. thats the last time i get those mccann

oven chips

[AllyCat]

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut???

Eclipse it!

[KalamityKel]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE

drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his

2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of

the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the

daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but

you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual

urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.

located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary

is ?200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well..., you started it.'

[Mark]

[Keef]

Like it...

By the way, the NHS has announced that all sperm banks will be closed for the next 7 days, the reason given was that all the w@nkers are in Moscow!

[LizzygotDizzy]

New drink called John Terry, bottled in Moscow!

Hey guyz, just back from Canada, house is amazing, everything I've dreamed of, def thinking of seriously moving there, going out again with kids this time for a bit longer soon, gonna rent house in London out to keep steady money flow coming in, but not burning bridges, will be out of synch for a few more months though while I gather information and do some investigating, hope to pop in from time to time.

[spadetownboy]

apv 6.5

[KalamityKel]

Lizzy... is that a joke? *raises eyebrow*

Welcome back by the way :)-D

[KalamityKel]

A man walks up to his house and notices his Grandfather

sitting on the porch with nothing on from the waist down.

?Grandpa, what are you doing?? he exclaims. The old man

looks at him and says, ?Well, last week I sat out here

with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your

Grandma?s idea.?

[Jah Lush]

Blimey Kel, I was just going to post that myself. Popbitch eh?

[giggirl]

More Popbitch here; made me laugh

http://la.racked.com/archives/2008/05/19/sellebrity_madge_vadge_of_honor.php

[boosboss]

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear James:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving myhusband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady

making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become incr easingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Lucy Brayling (Mrs)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lucy:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches

solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

James.

[TillieTrotter]

LOL

[spadetownboy]

Josef Fritzl has just been sentenced to the death penalty, unfortunately John Terry,s taking it.

[spadetownboy]

why do bulimics like kfc?

beacause it comes with a bucket.