a joke

[spadetownboy]

whats the difference between a woman and a kfc.

you start off with the breast,move on to the thigh and end up throwing your bone into a greasy box.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

I nicked this from my facebook Jamaican joke application and felt the need to share it with you good people:

Dinner Bill

The Restaurant There were three men living together in London, a Trinidadian a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three-course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trinidadian leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five-course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you" The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Barbadian, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Barbadian go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ "Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly, "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem dat? jus gimme mi change!"

[Rolo Tomasi]

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking Of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. The mother proudly replied," Yes... we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great....cos he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses."

[georgia]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of vodka, a pack of Pringles, the remainder of a bottle of Prozac, the rest of the cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how f***ing good I feel.....

[East Dulwich Angst]

A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely fire engine," says the fireman admiringly. "Thanks," says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up straight into the fireman's eyes and says...

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*****g siren, would I?

[East Dulwich Angst]

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

[SteveT]

For sallyfrans students

What does a baby ape sleep in..............................an apricot

[Marmora Man]

Darwin Awards

THINNING THE HERD 2007

Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two

feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer

grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often

bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a

100-foot high cliff on his daily workout! .

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole

for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at

the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People

on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but

could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost

an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the

ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the

long flash! light h e had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free

rammed

into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet

with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four

cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at

the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on

robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed

officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the

would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a

target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire , and

several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was

pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators

located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy

revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven

different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just

driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss

out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to

notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one

of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local

bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and

at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon

arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had

brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered

and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured

one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall

lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the

ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was

rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated

elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of

berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got

relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The

sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the

elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again

proves..."Shit happens!"

[Ant]

How can they have a runner up who didn't die?

[spadetownboy]

and how can he be a runner up when he,s only got one foot, it would be more apt to describe him as a hopper up.

[Ladygooner]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make himcome."

[georgia]

Dear Abby.

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He doesn't even defend my reputation when

people suggest I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the

United States..........so act like one!

[spadetownboy]

there been a new spread invented espicially aimed at perpetrators of domestic violence its called " i can,t believe i didn,t butt her."

[Jah Lush]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile."Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

[hibbs]

Fingers crossed jokes attached...

[KalamityKel]

Apologies if this has already been done...

A man and a women who had never met before, but were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she

in the lower. At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman

saying, "Excuse me, I am sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to

reach into the wardrobe to get me a second blanket? I'm a bit chilly."

"I have a better idea," she whispered. "Just for tonight, let's pretend

that we're married......"

" Mmm....that's a great idea!" he murmured.

" Yeah it is," she replied. "Now get your own f*^&"?$ blanket!"

[East Dulwich Angst]

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may

go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a

description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value

of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper

may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to

the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good

Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help

with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the

sign reads:

!

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[KalamityKel]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed

to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us

that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary

plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to

raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, B!tch

[Jah Lush]

I put that joke up a few months back KK.

[KalamityKel]

My most sincere apologises Jah :)

[Brendan]

Said the Rastafarian in the confessional.

[KalamityKel]

Hehe!

[Jah Lush]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[HonaloochieB]

I've just read that as part of her divorce settlement Heather Mills-McCartney is insisting that Paul buy her a plane.

She says she needs it so she can shave both her legs.

[East Dulwich Angst]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all

one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf

Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor

noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you

babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm

around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look,

nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America

tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over

there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you

food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me

- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you

won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the

sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the

sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and

making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain

was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He

peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an

explanation.

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America.

One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me

food and water every night and he's screwing me."

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face

and he replied, "He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"