a joke

[East Dulwich Angst]

A panda walks into a caf?. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats , shoots and leaves."

[Keef]

Ha, the version I know is much much more rude ;-)

[Jah Lush]

Come on the Keef, let's hear it, print and be damned with the consequences.

[Keef]

Well the punch line has pretty much been given away, but...

A panda is sitting in a pub having a beer, when a very attractive young lady starts talking to him. Eventually she says "Listen, I have to be straight with you, I'm on the game, but if you fancy coming back to mine, I have some free time".

The panda seems taken aback, but agrees, so they head back to her place. When they get there she asks if he'd like a bite to eat before "getting down to it", the panda thanks her, and they sit down to a quick meal before heading upstairs and having a jolly good old time!

When the dust has settled, the panda says farewell and makes for the door, at which point the lady says "ahem, aren't you forgetting something... you owe me some money". The panda looks confused and asks what she means "I'm a prostitue" she says. "Look it up in the dictionary, Prostitute, woman who sells her body for money".

The panda shrugs and head for the door. "I'm a panda he says, eats shoots and leaves".

[spadetownboy]

up in the labour suite a first time mother is experiencing the joys of child birth and is screaming the place down looking for all sorts of painkillers, while her boyfriend dutifully holds her hand and shares the experience. finally after a pain relieving dose of pethidine she turns round to him bitterly mouthing "this is all your fault". the boyfriend is outraged before replying "i think you want to reapportion the blame love,because if i remember correctly i was looking to shag you up the arse that night."

[Jah Lush]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual comments between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[spadetownboy]

*******BREAKING NEWS********

Following the sacking of Steve Mclaren, the FA have decide to purge the whole system

and are getting rid of the 3 lions sympol on the players shirts, it is to be replaced

with 3 tampoons to mark the fact that England are presently going through a bad period.

[East Dulwich Angst]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[spadetownboy]

steve mclaren has decided to go to this years xmas party dressed as a pumpkin, he,s hoping to be turned into a coach.

[georgia]

A guy was wrongly sacked from Alton Towers - he is now sueing them for

funfair dismissal

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Groan - but at least that's opened it up for bad jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide. Boom, boom!

[georgia]

Some nursery rhymes:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have u got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

'Pies you dickhead.'

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

[Jah Lush]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering......

Dave.......

Dave........

Dave........

.........you're a vet Dave!!!!

[mockney piers]

A scout group and a UK government department decided to have a canoe race on the Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the scouting team won by a mile.

The government department, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the scouting team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the government team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the scouts, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the scouts won by two miles.

Humiliated, the departmental management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[Keef]

I love that one, first saw it as an NHS in joke, but it's kind of true in any public sector office!

[mockney piers]

I first saw it as a japanese bank and a dutch bank when I worked for ABN. True of many facets of life I imagine.

[East Dulwich Angst]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F..KING GOING!"

[East Dulwich Angst]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

[spadetownboy]

in protest at the sudanese governments treatment of gillian gibbons, i have decided to name my penis mohammed. i plan on giving him 100 strokes tonight.

[LizzygotDizzy]

Two Americans on a business trip to Japan, during their trip they are treated to an evening out with wine, music and beautiful women. One of the guyz gets off with a lady of the night and during the throes of passion she yells "sangwah, sangwah!", wow, I have to remember that one, thinks the American to himself, because the next day they are invited with the big bosses for a few rounds of golf. Well the golf match gets under way, and the Chairman pots a hole in one, "Oh Sangwa, sangwah" the american pipes up chuffed he has got the chance to impress his host, to which the Japanese Chairman replies "Wot do you mean broody wrong hole?"

[woodie]

circumstances of hearing this lil one was..i was at dinner with my new g/friend meeting her mum. my mum and dad by my side.

we are telling some rather tame jokes when nu g/friend pipes up with..

q)if the white stork bird brings a baby, what bird brings no baby?

a) a swallow.

future mother in law spat out her food and ran to the loo laughed her face off. my mum was vexed and couldnt understand why my dad wouldnt explain what was funny.

I was shocked,my g/friend had thought somehow there was something endearing and funny about the little swallow bird. when her mum bolted she for the first time got her own gag.

have been p1ss1ng myself at this thread. just found it.

[Jah Lush]

I bought a teddy today for ?5, named him Mohammed then sold him on for ?10. Question is, have I made a prophet?

[TillieTrotter]

In the same vein....

After all the mayhem of calling a teddy bear Mohammed in Sudan, Sooty has cancelled his tour of Jamaica.

[TillieTrotter]

Luke Skywalker says to Annakin "I know what you've got for Christmas" Annakin says "How do you know that?" Skywalker says "Because I felt your presence"

[East Dulwich Angst]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."