a joke

[bagpuss78]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost ?499 to ?599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. ;-)

[Mscrawthew]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,.........................................

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it

makes your nose look short!"

[TillieTrotter]

Tee Hee.

[Jah Lush]

Word of warning...this joke is filthy

The Pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition..... wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me Prime Minister but I just F***ed your daughter, and now the pregnant dog is blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the arse you get shit on your bell-end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece?", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice flaps". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly - the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde woman in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, just to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know them?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I f*cking wrote them!!!'

[SeanMacGabhann]

Jah - you posted it! Good man

And I'm still laughing...

[Rolo Tomasi]

Jah - Class!

[Keef]

Good work that man! >:D

[strawberrygail]

For my fellow Scots...

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the

butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint

his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee

wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer

Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma

haun's ah'm heatin'.

[Jah Lush]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full

of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to

the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like,

the Prince moves on to the next patient, who

immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying

doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

This is the only joke I ever remember, but be warned its pretty grim.

One day a guy asked his friend if he knew where he could get some sex, so his friend told him about a cheap whorehouse he knew. "They will ask you if you want the ?20 f*ck or the ?50 one, but make sure you take ?50, cos the ?20 one is rubbish"

So the man went to the address his mate gave him, and knocked on the door.

The woman who opened the door asked him whether he wanted the ?20 f*ck or the ?50 one and being a bit of a tightwad he decided to try the ?20 one.

He paid his money and the woman directed him to the green door at the end of the hallway.

There was a fairly attractive woman on the bed so he got down to business. She was dry as sandpaper, which put him off a bit, but he managed to bust a nut eventually.

A week later he decided to try again. This time he wanted to see if the ?50 sh@g was any better so when he paid his money and was shown to the same green door, with the same woman in the same room, he was puzzled. As he'd already paid, he decided to get on with it anyway.

This time she was velvety smooth and wet and he had great time. After busting a bigun he lay back smiling and asked the girl, how she managed to make it so much better this time.

"well darling for ?50 I'll pull the scabs off and let the blood flow".

[Michael Palaeologus]

This joke was brought to you by the Green Party.

[Annasfield]

^Gross^ An innocent joke to restore some balance ;-)

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "you take the guns, I'll drive" :))

[spadetownboy]

what did st patrick say to the snakes when he was driving them out of ireland.

ye ok in the back boys.

[Narnia]

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ..

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those samethree questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time...'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.' [3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ. He thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

_________________________________________

[East Dulwich Angst]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is ?280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a ?280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[East Dulwich Angst]

Curious boy walks up to his dad and asks him what the difference is between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'.

His dad thinks for a minute then instructs his son to ask his mom if she'd sleep with the milkman for ?500,000.

The son asks his mom and, after thinking for a moment, she admits she would.

After hearing this, the father nods and instructs his son to ask his sister if she'd sleep with the postman for ?500,000.

The son asks his sister and, after thinking for a moment, she admits she would.

After hearing this, the father says,

"There you have it son. 'Theoretically', we're sitting on a cool ?1,000,000 but 'Realistically' we're living with two slappers!"

[david_carnell]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo.

[Jah Lush]

Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says ?Are you the front end of an Ass?? ?No.? says Johnny. ?Are you the back end of an Ass?? ?No,? he replies. ?Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass,? says the Clown triumphantly. Little Johnny runs straight home in tears.

His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartee... ?Watch your Uncle and learn,? says Mum.

Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartee. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartee). ?Are you the front end of an Ass?? they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartee. ?No.? ?Are you the back end of an Ass?? ?No.? says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartee. ?Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass?... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartee, quick as a flash said ?...F**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t?.

[East Dulwich Angst]

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is so impressed he signs him there and then.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello Mum, guess what?" he says.

"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day..... Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having such a great time.'

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm sorry.'

"Sorry? Sorry?" says his Mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[Annasfield]

(6)

[East Dulwich Angst]

A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there is only a dog.

It was a shitzu

[Mark Dodds]

Jah's joke at the top is a killer. I haven't laughed so much in ages. Ta very much!

A young penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman 'Excuse me mister, have you seen my dad?'

The bartender stops polishing a glass, looks around, pulls a face, and says to the penguin. 'Not sure mate. What does he look like?'

[Jah Lush]

I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said I've got a bigger dick than my dad.

(From: Popbitch website)

[East Dulwich Angst]

A beer before it starts ..

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on

the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going

To start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it

was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bustard! You waltz in here, flop

your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run

around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and

iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh dear, it's started."

[Brendan]

A man gets home and announces to his wife, ?Honey, I?ve won the lottery. Why don?t you go upstairs and pack a bag.?

?Oh wow!? Says his wife, ?Should I pack for the mountains or the beach??

?I don?t care.? He replies, ?Just fuk off.?