a joke

[Jah Lush]

I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel.

[Jah Lush]

Old McDonald was dyslexic E-O-I-O-E.

[Jah Lush]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something

happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in

the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got ?9000

compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a

new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an

inch.' The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many

inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I

mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine

incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before

and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be

disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make

the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the

next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen'

[Rolo Tomasi]

Paddy the Irish man is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Beh jesus" he said "I didn't know the f**kers had mobiles"

[giggirl]

An old Italian man lived alone in Philadelphia. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[TillieTrotter]

I like that one Gigirl....made me go all warm and fuzzy inside.>:D

[Jah Lush]

One of the city's top heart surgeons died. At his funeral his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made from red roses. When the vicar had finished the sermon, and everyone had said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. The man sitting next to him was irritated by his insensitivity and asked: "Why are you laughing?" The man replied: "I was just thinking about my own funeral, I'm a gynaecologist..."

[Jah Lush]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Ian and Dermot, were sent for. Ian went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. He said: "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Ian looked and said: "No, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Dermot in to identify the body. He took a look at him and said: "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked down and said: "No, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked: "How can you tell?"

Dermot said: "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say......

"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes."

[atila the gooner]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a gynaecologist?

One snatches a watch and the other watches..........

[Brendan]

What is yellow and flies through walls?

Casper the friendly banana.

[Jah Lush]

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch. As the barman poured him the drink he remarked: "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied: "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow", exclaimed the barman as he poured the man a second triple Scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second Scotch, the barman asked him, "So what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the barman, "but what about your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

[Annasfield]

Re: a joke new

Posted by: Brendan Today, 01:11PM

What is yellow and flies through walls?

Casper the friendly banana.

==========================================

(?)

[Brendan]

See : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casper_the_friendly_ghost

It is somewhat of a surrealist joke. ;-)

[boosboss]

2 Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.

At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree......ees a ham bush"

[boosboss]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[boosboss]

Bill Gates vs. General Motors

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the

way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared

the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,"If GM had

kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all

be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be

driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this

part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to

buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You

would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the

windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before

you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause

your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would

have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was

reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would

run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would

all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal

Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you

out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door

handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn

how to drive all over again because none of the controls would

operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Keef]

Arsenal's chances of winning the league.

Get it?

[spadetownboy]

what goes ring ring arghhhhhhhhh

stevie wonder answering the iron.

what goes click click is it done,click click is it done

stevie wonder playing with a rubiks cube.

i gave stevie wonder a cheese grater for christmas, he said it was the most violent book he ever read.

[spadetownboy]

ian paisley bought a horse and decided to ride it home. so he pulls up outside the house can calls out eileen the wife.

"well eileen" goes the big man "do you like my stallion"

"thats a mare not a stallion " replies eileen

"its not its a stallion" retorts big ian

"im telling you its a mare" eileen replies before adding "what makes you think its a stallion"

"well"goes paisley "when i was riding him back to the house everyone kept shouting would you look at the big bollix on the horse".

[Jimbo]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first,

then you swear after me, OK?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some CocoPops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

[Jimbo]

Other than a couple of clearly unacceptable typo errors, this is quite amusing...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the

most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in

the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver

when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that

her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical

condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her

husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be

her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more

shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a

cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last

shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she

dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked

about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and

shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I

hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four

hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in

the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and

finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you

"ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock

care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. What did you buy?"

[Jah Lush]

Japanese Banks

Never mind what is happening in American & British banking (Northern Rock), look how Japan has been affected.

Japanese Banking crisis continues on back of US Sub Prime collapse.

The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[Ant]

Argh! The puns! They burn!

[atila the gooner]

mockney piers Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Sorry Jah Lush.

>I thought ripping the piss out of the Spuds was frowned upon? BY the way, the picture you used appeared in the pages of the "Gooner" fanzine a couple of months back. (Mind you, it's still funny)

[spadetownboy]

i was in the cemetry this morning and i saw the grave digger walking around carrying a coffin. when i left 3 hours later he was still walking around carrying the same coffin. i thought to myself he,s lost the plot.