a joke

[mockney piers]

[spadetownboy]

what did jesus day to the disciples when he was being nailed to the cross?

dont touch my easter eggs you bastards i,ll be back on sunday.

[Jah Lush]

A man is convicted of theft in court.

"Before I read your sentence," says the Judge, "have you anything to say for yourself?"

"Yes", replies the man. "As God is my witness, I am innocent."

The Judge replies: "Well he isn't. I am.. You aren't. Six months."

[nutty]

Can anyone give me some advice? A bloke offered me eight venison legs for 50 quid....

... is that two deer?

[Jah Lush]

Renault have designed a new People Carrier, so comfy, so spacious you can hardly notice the kids in the back. They're calling it the Renault McCann.

[spadetownboy]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Renault have designed a new People Carrier, so

> comfy, so spacious you can hardly notice the kids

> in the back. They're calling it the Renault

> McCann.

ffs

[Ladygooner]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says,

"Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The older is nine and the younger is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter,

"I just couldn't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"

[TillieTrotter]

LOL:)

[Rolo Tomasi]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[spadetownboy]

this devoted female chelsea fan decides to get tattoos of frank lampard and john terry on her inner thighs and pledges that the first bloke who guesses correctly who the tats are of will have a night of unbridled passion. after several unsuccessful attempts she decides to give the next bloke a clue by telling him what team the players are from. he stares and stares before replying "well love i havnt a clue who the two boys on the thighs are but is the one in the middle with the curly hair and the big lips shaun wright-phillips"

[dulwichmum]

Spadetownboy!

Consider your legs slapped...

[spadetownboy]

sorry mum wont do it again.

[Jah Lush]

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks the beautiful woman.

"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.

"Please, just one kiss," begs the woman.

"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.

"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

[Rolo Tomasi]

30 Commandments of the Kiwi Male

Can?t beat number 10 ? the Old Dutch Oven!!!!

1 . Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following Circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend "have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16 valves,and a turbo.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for christmas?" with "If you loved me , you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3. End of story

[hyounan]

there was a young distressed man who urgently needed to see his Doctor.

" Doctor im so confused. I dont know whether Im a tepee or a markee?!!

and the doctor replied " dont worry mate, you're just two tents (tense)....

Howz zat?

[hyounan]

why did the fish laugh?

..because the sea-weed.

[mockney piers]

[Rolo Tomasi]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had

died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were

making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years

old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice

and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and

out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if

the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Keef]

LOL... Reminded me of this.

One evening a guy working in a small restraunt in a small seaside village serves an elderly couple he doesn't recognise. As he serves them they tell him that they ate in the very same restraunt 60 years before when they visited the area for their honeymoon.

Leter on as the elderly gentleman is settling the bill (his wife having nipped to the loo) he tells the waiter "I'll tell you what sonny, this isn't the only thing we're going to re-live tonight... 60 years ago after we'd eaten here, we felt frisky, and I made love to my new wife against the fence down by the beach". Trying not to laugh the waiter wishes the gentleman luck and says farewell.

As the couple leave, the waiter decides to follow them, as he just can't believe this couple in their 80s will be able to have sex at all, let alone against a fence in the open air. So he heads for the beach, and when he gets there he sees the couple against the fence going like the clappers for a good 5 minutes before they both fall to the ground.

A couple of minutes later the couple pick themselves up and start to move off. The waiter has to know their secret and runs up behind them.

"Wait" he calls "How the hell did you manage to have sex like that at your age?"

"Son" says the old man "60 years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

[bagpuss78]

Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.

:-S

[Brendan]

oh dear...

>:D<

[Rolo Tomasi]

Keef that one killed me!>:D<

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have 2 female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a

solution to your problem, I have two male talking parrots, which I have

taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your 2 parrots over to my

house and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots

can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure

to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his 2 male parrots were inside their

cage, holding rosary beads, and praying. Impressed, she walked over

and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison; "Hi,

we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

[Jah Lush]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a ?250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are all very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

[Muttley]

On the elderly theme...

Wilfred is a new arrival at the residential home. On his first evening he's in the lounge and starts talking to Mabel. "How old do you think I am?" he asks her. Without any warning, Mabel plunges her hand down his pyjama trousers, rummages around his private parts, and confidently says "Eighty-one". Wilfred is stunned. "How do you know that?". "I heard you telling matron this morning" says Mabel.

[mockney piers]

Aussie Whine