a joke

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

[georgia]

I went for a job as a yoga instructor today. They said 'How flexible are you?'.

I said ' Well I can't do Tuesdays and Thursdays'.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

[bigbadwolf]

Little James was asked by his school teacher to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

He said;

"My Dad and I were looking out of the window at old Mr Johnson painting his fence and I asked my dad how long he thought it would take him, and he said that 'it'll take that cu.t ages"'.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

[bigbadwolf]

A scouser is sitting at a bar drinking.

A flambouyantly gay man comes up to him and whispers in his ear "can I give you a blowjob?"

The Liverpudlian jumps to his feet and beats the homosexual unconscious.

The bar tender comes over and asks, "Whydja dooo dat?"

The scouser says, "Ee sed sommin about me geddin a job."

[Jah Lush]

Two men in an airport bump into each other.

The first man says: "I can't find my wife."

The second replies: "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

"Well", the first man replies "she's 5ft 10ins, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?"

"Fcuk her," says the second man, "let's look for yours

[Sue]

Declan Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Money

>

>

>

> It is August. In a small town on the South Coast

> of France, holiday season

> is in full swing, but it is raining so there is

> not too much business

> happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily,

> a rich Russian tourist

> arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He

> asks for a room and puts

> a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a

> key and goes to inspect

> the room located up the stairs on the third

> floor.

>

>

> The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and

> rushes to his meat

> supplier to whom he owes 100 euro.

>

>

>

> The butcher takes the money and races to his

> wholesale supplier to pay his

> debt.

>

>

>

> The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100

> euro for pigs he purchased some

> time ago.

>

>

>

> The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note

> to a local prostitute who gave

> him her services on credit.

>

>

>

> The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she

> owed the hotel for her

> hourly room use to entertain clients.

>

>

>

> At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down

> to reception and informs

> the hotel owner that the proposed room is

> unsatisfactory and takes his

> 100 euro back and departs.

>

>

>

> There was no profit or income. But everyone no

> longer has any debt and the

> small town people look optimistically towards

> their future.

>

>

> COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global

> Financial Crisis? Or, is there a

> catch here?

xxxxxxx

Eh?

The hotel owner has paid back the Russian 100 euros AND paid the meat supplier 100 euros. That's the "catch".

Am I missing something?

Why is this funny?

[Moos]

No, no Sue, the hotel manager paid the meat supplier who paid the butcher who paid the wholesaler who paid the farmer who paid the prostitute who (crucially) then paid the hotel manager.

So he was readily able to give the Russian his money back. See Huguenot's explanation of debts and credit. I suppose it might be hilarious if double-ledger accounting is your thing, but I don't think it's meant to be funny ha ha, laugh out loud. Hmmm..

[SteveT]

Domitianus wrote:- What I heard from a local was a triple stabbing. Looks like the turdy little 'gangstas' are at it again. I guess someone 'disrespected' someone by looking at him or something.

I thought this a funny descriptive post by Dom.

[flapjackdavey]

Keef Wrote:

------------------------------------------------------

>

> Why did the baker's hands smell?

>

> Because he kneaded a poo :-S

I don't get it .....

oh yeah ... duh

[lozzyloz]

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, ?Look, you?ve got a lot to live for. I?m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I?ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.? Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, ?I?ll keep you happy, and you?ll keep me happy.? The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. ?What are you doing here?? the captain asked.

?I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,? she explained. ?I get food and a trip to Europe, and he?s screwing me!?

?He sure is, lady,? the captain said.

?This is the Staten Island Ferry!?

[daizie]

flapjackdavey Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Keef Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> ----

> >

> > Why did the baker's hands smell?

> >

> > Because he kneaded a poo :-S

>

>

> I don't get it .....

>

>

>

>

>

> oh yeah ... duh

hahahahahaaa !! worth waking up for :)

[Huguenot]

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.

A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for ?5.

The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the ?5.

She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.

He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.

The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"

The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."

The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I.

[KalamityKel]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Sue]

Moos Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> No, no Sue, the hotel manager paid the meat

> supplier who paid the butcher who paid the

> wholesaler who paid the farmer who paid the

> prostitute who (crucially) then paid the hotel

> manager.

>

> So he was readily able to give the Russian his

> money back. See Huguenot's explanation of debts

> and credit. I suppose it might be hilarious if

> double-ledger accounting is your thing, but I

> don't think it's meant to be funny ha ha, laugh

> out loud. Hmmm..

xxxx

Doesn't work for me logically, lol :))

i need someone to explain it to me in words of less than half a syllable .....

[HAL9000]

Man walks into a pharmacy:

I would like a deodorant please.

Yes sir, aerosol?

No, it's for my armpits.

[jim_the_chin]

What cheese would you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone

[JetSetWilly]

i passed an rac van on the way home tohight, the driver was crying, shouting and screaming.

i think he was headed for a breakdown.

[daizie]

What key opens every lock ?

A pikey!

[Jah Lush]

I thought it was time I put this one up again as it's been a couple of years but word of warning this joke is filthy.

THE PIANIST

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'fcuking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fcuking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition..... C*nt!' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Fcuked Your Daughter, And Now The Pregnant Dog Is Blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'Bollocks!' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes When You Do A Bird Up The Arse You Get Shit On Your Bell-end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?", or there's the epic "I Don't Care If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Nice Flaps". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly - the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde woman in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, just to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know them?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fcuking wrote them!!!'

[mockney piers]

What does Mr Miyagi do to relax?

Wax off

Baddamtish.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[jimmy two times]

My wife went to the West Indies

Jamaica?

No she went of her own accord.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Been watching reruns of Colditz?