How to avoid a playdate

[susyp]

Meaning this a slightly light hearted thread really about how to avoid playdates with children your child doesn't really like ! just have to give a bit of background first apologise as a bit lengthy.

at christmas my daughter (4) went on a playdate with a girl whose mum had asked quite a few times and who always walks home with us.

said girl was horrendous to my daughter, who is quite able normally to stand up for herself - but she was reduced to absolute sobbing tears on about 4 or 5 occasions. Then we had dinner, and it was a little better , then we went home soon after. Was so awful seeing my daughter so out of sorts, she's never been anything like that on other playdates, even when they have argued, and actually rarely gets that upset generally. The other mum's conclusion that it was because my daughter was hungry. It may have been a contributing factor but having overheard a couple of "discussions" between the two girls and from what my daughter said afterwards I felt much more strongly it was because the other girl was basically bossing my daughter about and putting her down and basically ordering her to do things (she is 10 months older).

fine, so we move on, i tried not to walk home every day with them by basically speeding my daughter off from school. Now I am back at work and my husband is doing the pick ups and they've attached themselves to him - he texted me last week to say he had arranged for my daughter to go on a playdate on her own to said girl's house. I vetoed that idea - so we came up with lame excuse to avoid it. But she keeps asking him. I keep replying to her by text saying no. the problem is that this mother doesn't like her own daughter's friends and so is trying to manipulate new friendships. My daughter never plays with her at school.

anyone got any good excuses to get out of playdates? As I am running out of them. I also don't want to walk home with them every day for the next 6 years it is driving me a bit demented. Obviously fine if you end up leaving at same time but they wait for us or expect us to wait for them. And the girls are NOT FRIENDS. What took the biscuit this week was that my daughter has a little boy friend who adores her, she adores him, the teachers always comment on how cute it was. Said mum invited HIM on a playdate and is trying to make them a little threesome. Said girl said to boy yesterday - you like me better than xxx don;t you. He said no, I like her (my daughter) better. ARG

Sorry, quiet day at home for me today!

Any ideas on how to handle this aside just running away every day when we leave school....

susypx

[Saffron]

Just tell her honestly that you think the girls don't get along, and they should spend some time apart to avoid conflict?

Otherwise, you could try a radically different approach. Turn the tables? Invite them for a playdate at your house. It's your house, your rules. Be very strict about observing and correting/admonishing any behaviour you don't like. Just make sure you apply the same standards to your own daughter as well.

Why doesn't the other lady like her daughter's friends? Do you not get on well with the mother either? (You perceive her as manipulative?) Just curious.

[susyp]

I am thinking of just saying I think they are very different and not really friends. I pick her up two days a week and I find it quite oppressive having to walk home all the time together - there have been days when they have literally chased after us to catch up.

they came to a playdate at ours and it was fine, they stayed downstairs the whole time with us. But I don't really want to encourage it anymore.

The other mum thinks that her daughter's friends mistreat her (in a similar way to what I am saying!). I used to help in the library for her class and a quieter two girls I have never seen. But who knows what goes on in groups of girls so she could be right. But I am not sure that manipulating new friends for your child ever really works

susypx

[Pickle]

Just be honest. If my kids get invited on a playdate I ask them whether they want to go (they are 6 and 4). If they say no, then I reply honestly saying they don't want to! Might not win me friends, but at the end of the day if the kids aren't friends at school I don't see the point of forcing it.

[susyp]

my daughter tends to say yes when anyone asks her to go on a playdate - then later on will express her concerns to me! I may try that - then the mum no doubt will ask my daughter who will say yes! but yes, i agree that being honest is probably going to be simpler in the long run. I suppose this happens a lot in school. Now that I am working again I am much less bothered about other mums at the school gate which is a big relief! i'll chat to my daughter tonight to check out how she feels about it.

susypx

[bjm]

I agree with Pickle. Be honest as diplomatically as you can. Friendship groups change all the time at this point I find. Your daughter found it upsetting last time and I would just say you think they don't really get on that well. At least you can have a break for a week with half term...!

[susyp]

my daughter's teacher said she just plays with everyone depending on what they are doing and so sometimes she probably does play with this girl . but i think that is different to an enforced playdate.

thanks for the thoughts , I shall steel myself to be honest

susypx

[Pickle]

My son used to be the same at that age, but after a couple of playdates where it was obvious he had a miserable time (generally I find reception age upwards they go by themselves to the other persons house, not sure if that's standard or not?) he started getting a bit more selective :)

[edanna]

Hi susyp, I haven't met the mum in question but 'manipulating' sounds a bit harsh. Maybe she just wants to widen her daughter's group of friends. Maybe she wants to make friends herself. And sometimes kids don't play with each other at school but get on brilliantly when together out of school, in my experience. It sounds like you think the daughter isn't very nice, which is a different issue. I agree with the other posters that being honest - with sensitivity - is the way forward. Also, some kids behave totally differently when not on their territory - if you don't want to invite the girl to your house you could meet somewhere neutral like a park and observe how they get on. If the girl is still horrible to your daughter, which her mother will witness, then it seems fine to say you think they don't really hit it off.

[gwod]

How about talsking to your daughter about inviting this other girl over to your house for a play date so that you can help them through any conflict, and also see first hand what's going on so that you can make more informed decisions re play-dates going forward... just a thought...

Best of luck with it - its a minefield out there!

[Pickle]

I hope the other Mum isn't a forum user!

[Sol]

Be honest and teach your daughter to say not and to stand up for herself and not to let other kids manipulate her and

Bossy her around. Keeps her busy and join an activity on the days you/your husband picks her up, so you go on a different route

.

[KatsuQueen]

It sounds like it's the mother who really wants to be friends with you/your family. And it sounds like you don't really want to be friends with her. Even less so as your children don't get on anyway.

I think I would keep making excuses until she takes the hint. Not sure how I would deal with the walking home bit though. Very tricky.

[susyp]

I don't have a particular problem with the other mum other than the slight obsession with joining us to walk home- but that could just be friendliness and I could just be a grump. It was just seeing my daughter just so upset that got to me. But it was a couple of months back. I could just be completely over thinking this as per usual. I just asked my daughter about it and she was all up for it but was keener to have the girl here so that she could "be the bossy one and tell her what to do and what to play with" which I suppose says it all. So if it comes up again may try that (not the being bossy bit, I did explain that that is not ok!).

I worry about playdates as she is an only and so I know she has to have them , and I think she is far more sociable than me so I am not sure I am doing her justice in organisng them (ie having very few!). Do you think children should be having weekly playdates in Reception - how often, how many???

susypx

[EDmummy]

Definitely a dilemma. Probably a different situation to yours but when my oldest was small he did not get on with one of my friend's children (the mum and I met during antenatal and were good friends). We were determined to be friends although the boys struggled with each other. Our thinking was that it was good for them to understand and negotiate to resolve differences (they were about 2 at this time). It was not easy and involved quite a lot of parental involvement to avoid massive arguments but now 12 years old they are firm and fast friends. Our motivation was that my friend and I didn't want to lose our friendship but also that they had to learn to get on with other children who might not be their preferred pal. Every situation different and you have to do what is right for your child.

[WorkingMummy]

I'm sure there is not a "right" number of weekly play dates for a child, susyp, and that you are best placed to know what works for you and yours.

I would go for honesty-lite if I was you. If the other mother is trying to arrange new friends because she is worried that her daughter is on the wrong end of some unfriendly behaviour from other children, she should in theory be open to you saying that maybe that is what is happening to your daughter here. But in reality it'll probably make her more resistant to the idea. And it'll cause a big rumpus and may make things tricky for the girls at school. Plus, children change.

I would go instead for being honest one invitation at a time. And involve your daughter in whether she wants to go. If its a no, then no, not today thanks. And if asked why, say your LO's just not that into the idea right now. Could that work?

Maybe talk to your LO about play dates in general too. Is there anyone she would like to invite home? Does she enjoy them/would she like more. You'll work it out.

[Pugwash]

When our kids were little - playdates were OK but more frequently a couple of us or even a group arraanged to meet up at the park/swimming pool/ etc - all on neutral ground so less chance of one child claiming squatters rights.

[Mrs TP]

WorkingMummy - 'honesty-lite' love it, which I would take to mean Susyp 'oh thanks but no my daughter is not too keen / up for play dates at the moment'. Only if pushed do you have to come up with a reason and this is where you need to deviate and say something like 'I think it's all a bit too much for her after the school day remember last time she was really upset'. You need to be minimal and not over chat, which it is easy to do in such a situation. Your only real problem here is if your daughter gets invited somewhere else that you are more comfortable with ...

A friend of mine has been going through similar recently in trying to avoid particular play dates and it makes for a worrying school run and an added hassle in life you can do without.

Some people seem to do millions of play dates all the time. It was something I hadn't even contemplated when my eldest started school but like everything in parenting you get more used to it with experience.

Good luck negotiating the playground minefield! I think the kids are probably better at it than us parents :)

[WorkingMummy]

My kids are definitely better at it than me. I find it slightly minefield-ish and my oldest is not at school yet. Mine only have play dates thanks to our nanny really.

Mind you, we do have a couple of friends with kids the same age and we have them over of course. But not specifically for the kids to "date".

I do think there is something about we modern parents spending more and more of our and our family's time revolving around our children's immediate points of interest, rather than getting on with our own stuff and adjusting that to welcome the children into it.

[canela]

it sounds like it was a terrible playdate and you feel the other mum did not deal well with her LO's behaviour. but sometimes kids need a few sessions before they work out the dynamic. i would be open to another one if your daughter is interested, maybe at your house. also bear in mind kids' behaviour is different when their parents are there and sometimes it is better to let them work it out alone.

keep playdates short and really fun, i.e. special food for tea etc. there is no magic number - you know your daughter and it seems like maybe she will want more than you do. remember that at this age they are really learning about how to be with other people, and even difficult experiences will be part of this. try not to get too fixated if your child had a bad time, as she will probably forget about it a lot quicker than you do!

having said that, i vetoed one playdate relationship - and that was mostly due to the mother. the kids would argue a bit - which i would take to be part and parcel of life - but she would want to analyse every exchange, and of course it was never her LO's fault... then when my LO started coming home from school crying at things that had been said etc, I just withdrew. no honesty-lite or anything, just politeness and white lies as excuses until it petered out.

good luck!

[susyp]

Yes I take your point- my daughter will tend to want to play with anyone and I suppose a few bad experiences will teach her to be a bit more selective. Ie she will often drop longstanding friends if someone new and interesting comes along and I find it difficult to teach her not to do that! Think if it comes up again will suggest we either do it at our house or at a playground/play place where it's a bit more neutral. Quite difficult to say no as my daughter is now saying she wants to do it so I guess we need to wait until we get to the point where she will say no!

The playdates we do have are with friends out of school, or friends who have continued on with her from nursery, and it is always very easy and no problems. We haven\t really had any with "new " friend since starting reception apart from this one so I suppose we do need to venture into uncharted waters !!

thanks for all the advice,

i'm still going to speed off from school , can't stand being obliged to walk home with someone!

arg

Susypx

[treehugger]

SusyP, just thinking about your dilemma about getting away from school without having to walk home with other mother and daughter - what about cycling? Then you could just whizz off...

[caz6868]

what about meeting at the parks,like the other folks say.once finished goodbye and have a nice day.poor little boy having to be questioned about what girl he preferred.at this age you are all friends and have enough trials and tribulations to come.xx

[WorkingMummy]

Saw this and thought of you Susyp.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=xSGKdqwuEA4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxSGKdqwuEA4%26feature%3Dyoutu.be

X

[susyp]

Ah, where I have been going wrong, so clearly explained!!!!

That last one made me chuckle - don't invite the other mum in for a cup of tea - had i not done that the other week- the little darling wouldn't have drawn on all my walls (we're still finding "evidence").

I like the 2 a month suggestion. Now THAT I can work with. It's all the other mums having 2 or 3 week that are doing it all wrong then, not me. ;-)

I left my daughter at her best friend's last week as I had a hospital appointment - was several hours - when I turned up the other mum said she had got lots of chores done as they had played so beautifully, even with the friend's little sister - and there they were, wrapped up on the sofa watching madagascar 3, arms round eachother. What more could you ask for when you pick your child up from a playdate!!

thanks wm!

susypx