Nursery settling in woes

[pilsbury]

Hi all

My little girl (20 months) just started at nursery recently after spending the first part of her life at home with either myself or my husband or both - we took her to loads of playgroups, rhyme times etc though and she always seemed really confident and social and not clingy at all.

My husband and I are both working now though so she's started at a local (well recommended) nursery 3 days per week, but she doesn't seem to be settling too well. In week 1 she seemed to love her nursery days, but by week 2 the novelty had worn off and staff told me she was quite teary during the day. Now we're in week 3 and each day she's been dropped off this week has been full of tears (on all counts!), even on the walk there she realises where she's going and gets upset. On the flipside the staff have told me that overall she's happier during the day, but i'm worried they might be just telling me what I want to hear rather than the truth. The other ironic thing is that in weeks 1 and 2 she wasn't sleeping great at night at all (teething) and this week she's slept thru at night, so I thought that would help with her general mood...

I was wondering if this pattern sounds familiar or not? Obviously each child is different, but we're starting to worry (already) if maybe this isn't the right nursery for her - or are we far too early on to worry about that?

Be good to hear your experiences, thanks!

[Saffron]

Did you have any settling-in time at the nursery -- time that you spent in the nursery with her before she started going on her own? Sometimes settling-in time is free, but more often I think you have to pay.

We had two weeks of settling-in time with our daughter when she was 2.5 yrs (no nursery before then). At first she only went for a couple of hours, and I stayed with her the whole time. Then she stayed longer, and I spent less time with her.

My daughter loves her nursery. She's 3 years old now but still sometimes asks if I can stay for 10 minutes at the nursery with her. Usually by the time we get there and she sees her friends, she justs gives me a hug and runs off. I don't need to stay with her. Although I think she likes the idea that I would stay if she needed me. (I'm lucky that my work is flexible about time too.)

I know you're two weeks in already, but would your nursery be willing to allow you some settling days with your daughter, where you stay with her in the nursery for a little while?

[pilsbury]

Yes we did have a few settling in days with her before she started *properly* & that all went really fine - my husband stayed with her or in the adjoining room and she was absolutely fine... odd!

[Saffron]

I don't think it's unusual for the first few weeks to be tough, even if the settling-in went well. Give it one more week? It's a big adustment to make. xx

[melbourne groover]

I think it is really common to have major tears heading in and then literally as soon as Mum/Dad leave they dry up. Have seen this for myself numerous times, (and been surprised at the speed of the turnaround) and found the same for mine.

I think generally the staff will tell you if they are upset all day, as it is in everyone's interest to have happy kids!

Good luck, it is nerve shredding dropping off a howling child, but it does get easier for everyone.

[oimissus]

Miss OI has been like this at times, rather woeful and teary when I drop her off, but has clearly had a lovely time as soon as I've gone - out of sight and all that. So I drop off and run. I don't think the nursery would lie to you about how she's been. So give it a bit longer to really see.

[shaunag]

My lo had a horrendous time settling in - it took months (probably a little over 2 if Im honest), and there were lots of tears. But, I had to go back to work, and nursery was the best fit in terms of her specific needs. Now, she absolutely loves it and I cant imagine taking her out. It is an enormous change for them to go from having their "uberslave" (as I refer to myself as occasionally), to not being number 1 and having to wait their turn, be patient, etc. However, she has got a load of pals that she shrieks with glee to see, and has the biggest smile on her face when I pick her up - its clear she has had a ball all day long. It is you job to feel guilty and constantly question the choices you make as regards your lo - it is part of being a parent. Husband does drop off most days, and when I have to do it, she still whinges a bit occasionally, and then I can hear her laughing before the door closes behind me...Chin up, stay strong, she will settle, but it does take time. My nursery let me call every day for the first 6 weeks - which I did, every day, for reassurance that she was ok - maybe this is something the nursery would agree to if you are feeling worried about it?

[esme]

My little boy still often clings to me when I leave him - if you imagine what a rush mornings must seem to a 2 yr old not really surprising but can fully empathise with it tugging at your heart strings. My son is definitely fine during the day and when I pick him up sometimes dsnt want to leave! Don't worry she will settle eventually, it's just a full on day, lots of kids and takes some getting used to - I guess like adults changing jobs, stressful but eventually fine and you feel like you have done it years after a few months! :)

[RenF]

We had almost exactly this pattern with my daughter and then on the 4th week she stopped getting upset at drop off and now loves nursery and smiles and waves at staff as we arrive.

One thing I would advise is being pretty brisk at drop off time- a friend who works in child care has said the children who find it hardest to settle are those whose parents drag the good byes out (obviously because they want to reassure and make sure their child is happy before they go). Hard as it seems we have always tried to be cheery and speedy at drop off, quick kiss, love you! And out the door.... (and then a cry in the drive way!)

[VALFR59]

No worry, we had the same experience with our son when he started this september at the nursery.Although he was bigger, 2yrs and half and was previously with a childminder....

We also had free settling time spread over 2 weeks...

1st week of proper start: perfect, he was running directly to the team and toys etc...just a quick "bye mummy".

and from the 2nd week to the 2nd month around : crying routine the morning at the nusery as soon as he saw we were leaving the room to go to work...he took us 15 min at least of " a last hug mummy please, don't leave me alone here" also pretending than bigger kids were hurting him, team were leaving him alone, not playing etc..I spoke with his key person several times to have informations , to report his talks, and she's been comprehensive,reasurring , and they try to install a routine with him for the arrival.She said after 5 min of crying he stopped and most of the days, he even didn't ask for us for the rest of day , but after few weeks of difficult settling, I started to doubt about their sincerity or interest on my son settling!

Even if it's a nursery with crazy waiting list because very recommanded, I started to doubt about their caring etc.

So stressfull for parents (especially for me :) as my husband, found it normal to have a big settling period).

After 2 months, a lot of discussions with my son,the help/patience of the team everything stopped from one day to another!

And now, even if on Thurdays evening, he is very happy to be in WE (I am not working on Fridays), no more crisis at all. He is very smily when he arrives there, happy to say hello to all the nurses, and tell us he has fun at the nursery , he likes it.

So no worry, it's not easy, make us sad sometimes, but I am sure with a bit of time your child will be settle too but I undersdand 100% your conerned!

I've supposed sometimes it's a way for them to make us guilty to go back to work, and it's a change for them to have to share attention, when you are comfy with mummy and daddy, probably more dedicated and caring than all others nanny/childminder/nurses! :)

good luck

[Sol]

We are having similar problem at the moment. My child just changed nursery because I changed jobs. He has become very tearful, clingy, insecure, worry that I am going to go and leave him with somebody else. In the other nursery he would cry when I drop him off but he was very happy when I pick him up and the days he didn?t go to nursery he was a very confident and happy child. I hope this improves because I am having doubts about the nursery now and about not interacting enough with the children or maybe he is picking up from me and become doubtful.

[WorkingMummy]

Ditto we had this.

No 1 started nursery at 2. She is very precocious and loved it for two weeks. Then as you say, novelty wore off and she realised this was a permanent arrangement. And we had the whole nine yards. She would ask me first thing "is it school today?" And if the answer was yes she would start crying and not stop.

The nursery (v loving) told us that kids who start without a backward glance typically do crash a little further down the line. It took about a month to RE-settle her. Awful in the meantime. But she did come through it.

Just a warning, my LO was was 4 before she could handle being dropped off by me without tears. After the initial difficult phase, Nanny and Daddy could drop off no problems. But there would always be tears when I did the nursery run. Now our second is there and it's the same. Everyone else, no tears. I drop off, she finds it hard.

Hang in there, it will work out and lots of indulgence and understanding towards LOs clingy-ness in short term.

WM

Ps. I really doubt your nursery would fib about how your child is during day, but if worried about this, i would speak to them gently and say how important it is to you to know how she is for real in this tricky phase.

[kerry.finlay]

We are experiencing exactly this at the moment. Our 2 year old started mid January 2 days a week. We've been in full-time nanny share since she was 1 where she is always with other kids on playdates etc. She's found drop-offs very traumatic and like you, we are told she is quite teary at points through the day, although she is asking for cuddles. She is often also teary on collection. Our nursery has been incredibly undertanding and helpful. They have a cuddly toy who 'lives' at the nursery and he was given to our daughter to take home and look after, and we were tasked with photographing his adventure - they put these pics up on the noticeboard, sp she can see them when she is there. They also created a scrapbook with loads of photos of her playing at nursery which we keep at home. The trick of these being is that you are reminded to talk about and encouraged to make nursery part of the conversation at home - to merge the two as much as possible. It's really helping. We talk about nursery every day, we look at the pitures. She now doesn't freak out when we tell her she is going today and doesn't get upset on the way there (progress!) and now calms quicker when we get there. Give it a go :-) Hope it improves soon.

[pilsbury]

hi all

first off I want to apologise for my delay in responding, no excuses just busy at work!

secondly I want to thank each of you for taking the time to response to this thread or send me a private message. I was genuinely so touched when I saw how many of you had responded individually and sent me tips or stories of your own experiences, it nearly made me cry in fact (and who says everyone on the edf is a miserable sod (ok well everyone outside the family room))...

it was so helpful to read the kind words and hear that what we're going through is really quite common. and there's some great advice about how to make drop off as stress-free as possible and how to incorporate nursery life into normal life for my lo.

so THANK YOU!!

i'm really pleased to report that after a very tearful drop off on tues, yesterday and today went must better. still a few tears, but only on the threshold of getting there (and not the entire walk!) and if we leave her directly in the arms (cuddle) of one of the staff and do it swiftly, she seems to be calming much quicker now. we already tried to talk lots about nursery over the week as a whole (her new friends she's making, her favourite toys and activities there) and now on work mornings she tells us that mama and dada are getting the choo-choo to work and that she is going to nursery to play :)

I think that come tues we'll definitely have tears again as its such a long time away from today, but we will get there slowly. so I hope this comes as a help to those of you who are also going through a similar situation

thanks so much again, I REALLY appreciate it!! xxx

[Saffron]

Agreed, a cuddle from nursery staff has been very soothing for my LO too. I also made sure that she knew who all the staff in her room were by name and that she could say (sort of anyway) all their names. (You could use sign language for a younger child too). Good luck, sounds like you're getting there!! xx