Sleep and the endless debate

[reren]

Last night had a discussion with a friend (who is planning to have a baby soon) about the dreadd subject of controlled crying/sleep. She was adament that she would follow the lead of her friends who had done controlled crying and critical of me that i still have a toddler who takes a while to go to sleep each night (we didnt do control crying). I wasnt angered so much as amused by her black and white view of parenting cause i know i was like that before having my son. It all seemed so simple. But it also struck me (yet again) what a shame that discussions around parenting are so polarising. Such a tendancy for people to say on the one hand if you prioritise parent-wellbeing and are strict about bed routines etc you cant be a warm and empathetic parent and on the other if you are more child-led you must be producing a spoiled brat who will rule the roost! Surely there's so much grey in between - and i suspect that when you have more han 1 child you find you do things slightly differently with each child?

Why do we feel such a need to judge other parents for doing something different than we are doing? I wonder if its that deep down we all feel insecure - basically until you can look at your high functioning emotionally healthy adult child you have no idea if you are doing the right thing! Maybe we all cling to the approach we've decided to take and rail against anyone doing things different because we're terrified we're doing it all wrong! :-) i hope in writing this i dont start a discussion where people start slagging each other off by the way - kind of the opposite of my intent in posting!!

[jennyh]

Hear hear!!! I totally agree that the amount of competition and judging is awful but we all fall into it at some point. I think also in my case (doing controlled crying and formula feeding) I felt a mixture of a failure but also fiercely defensive of my actions - particularly when I didn't have a choice of what route to take with feeding. This mixture results in an odd guilty meets fighting spirit mentality which breeds frustration. I think as time goes by and babies turn into toddlers you def look back on things very differently and stop having such polarised views, instead you def become much more grateful for having healthy children or having supportive friends etc, its a really hard job and we'd all do well to listen to you and give ourselves a pat on the back!!!

More than anything I've learnt that nothing ever lasts long and your opinions and thoughts are always fluctuating and changing as your child changes. Ultimately you meet the needs of your particular child in the way that seems to for and work for you both.

[caz6868]

i agree ladies i wish my 5 children would have had strick routines as babies but they never and never mind.lol.its me that suffered not the folks.lol.they all sleep now and now i have to wake them even the 26yr old.but not my 11 month old he still wants a feed at night i want him to get a night job.xxx

[Chillaxed]

Your friend's got a cheek I'd say.

I think many parenting debates are polarising because people care so much about the subject, that is, their children! If you think you're doing the right thing by your kids, it's hard to accept opposite points of view because you're admitting you may have got it wrong.

Parents who adopt a black and white perpective on all parenting issues, and criticise parents who don't share their views, get on my t*ts.

Chillaxed

p.s. for the record, we've tried it all on the sleeping front (cuddling, rocking, us sleeping on the nursery floor, him sleeping in our bed, controlled crying, more dummies, more milk, less dummies, less milk, water instead of milk, tea instead of milk, window open, window closed, night light, blackout blinds, cuddly toy, no cuddly toy, stroking back, stroking tummy, sleep training light with pic of sleeping and awake sheep, begging, crying (us), rash promises for future presents that he couldn't possibly understand, and so on. He sleeps well now!

[caz6868]

wow,love that baby.xx he is strong willed and you are a brill mummy

[susyp]

ooh not that i mean to be nasty but here's hoping your friend has a hell of a time with it with their baby! would be very annoying if they got a good sleeper and put it down to their parenting expertise!! i can;t bear people like that especially BEFORE a baby.

have to say my sister was a bit like this and then never did controlled crying with her baby.

susypx

[Helen GV]

I'm with Susyp ;0)

Not that I would wish a non sleeper on anyone in reality

[Convex]

I hope you are not saying your sister was like that Helen gv!

Chillaxed.... Which one worked!?

[Helen GV]

missed that bit! No my sister was not like that and has done a sterling job x

[????]

As asset once memorably put it "I wish I was half as good a parent as I was before I had kids"....I,d ignore your friend and leave them smug in their misconceptions about how 'just so' it's all going to be :)

[minder]

Looks like Chillaxed has been through the mill with trying to get her child to sleep, but I admit to half these things, including giving tea instead of milk for a while, when he was a toddler. Although I wouldn't resort to sleeping on the floor!

Then again husband was seen pushing a buggy around the local estate to get son asleep at midnight.

[WorkingMummy]

I had it all figured out in advance that my first baby would sleep in four hour slots and I would be in charge. Then she arrived and I literally did not put her down at all for 12 weeks and co-slept for a year after that. So that showed me! Now she's four and still not that great at staying in her own bed. She comes in with me whenever she wants. And yes, my husband has been seen in the streets with a buggy at midnight when I've had a deadline on a piece of work and one of our babies has refused to go down without me...

I don't know how many "rod for your own back" comments I've had over the years. I prefer, "blessing for my own baby".

[KikiMac]

Your friend has an excuse though. Black and white opinions should be the luxury only of those without kids (IMHO!). One thing you learn from having them is that it is bloody hard work and everyone does what they can to get by in huge variety of settings with different levels of support, personalities, partners, finance and babies. Those that have babies and still think they are a) in control and b) doing it all 'right' and c) everyone should do it the way they are are the ones that really piss me off!

Am I ranting? Sorry, sleep deprived!

[Chillaxed]

Just to clarify, I'm the Dad. Maybe my use of the phrase 'get on my t*ts' confused.

[bumpy]

WorkingMummy - I so love your "blessing for my own baby" and will most certainly use it if / when I next get raised eyebrows! :)

[gillandjoe]

My very-pergnant friend said that she would definitely get her baby to sleep well with a dream feed and there was no way she and her partner would ever sleep separately to maximise asleep hours - inwardly i sniggered, thinking little does she know!

I am at the moment going through a very rough time - still co-sleeping (i.e. my partner still sleeps on a mattress beside the big bed!) and breastfeeding my 16 month old non-stop. I am sooo tired! I have done the usual when having a rough time, become very self-critical and cursing myself for not doing control crying when he was little. This thread has made me feel a bit better anyway!

[Convex]

I think it's a slippery slope to blame yourself. (I do this too of course)

But really you don't ever know if things would be better if you'd done it differently. I'm sure we are all doing the best we can. I know I am.

Lately we have made up a bed next to his cot at the same level. It has been modately successful. Ie we all get a bit more sleep.

I found myself asleep there the other night with no real memory of going in there! Feels like overnights are some other world I slip into instead of sleeping.

[WorkingMummy]

Me too with blaming self.

Co-sleeping though: sooooo good for LO. So well done you gillandjoe! 16 months is an heroic effort! Know how hard it is to balance with your own needs though. Tough. You'll get through it! As my husband used to joke when no 1 was about three months old (and i would wail, but what if so-and-so is right and she never takes to her own bed) at some point in the next 18 years she's going to work out how to sleep withou you, whatever you do!

[KikiMac]

Hang on, I thought this was supposed to be an opinion-free zone...?

;)