Book about anger/feelings for pre-schooler

[WorkingMummy]

Another thread about my angry four year old.

On Oggie's recommendation I have "volcano in my tummy" on order for me.

Anyone know a good book about anger for little children? I've seen "Mad isn't Bad" but apparently that is religious/Christian which rules it out for me.

WMx

[Curmudgeon]

Michael Rosen Sad Book

It's about feelings, mainly sadness very simplistic and deep. Might not be appropriate here though but I do think its a book worth having

[SuperManny]

Hi

Not got any suggestions for books, but below is tips I've used with all ages of children.

I am a Male Nanny in Dulwich and have worked in a London Primary School as a Behaviour Mentor.

I would be willing to come and help you out implementing any of the points below, just give me a shout.

Regards

Super Manny (Aaron Gardner)

Step 1. Identify Your Child?s Anger Warnings

Explain to your child that we all have our own little signs that warn us we?re getting angry, and that we should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble.

Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs s/he may have that tell her she?s starting to get upset. For example: ?Looks like you?re tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?? Other signs:

Identify your child?s unique anger signs.

?Flushed cheeks

?Clenched fists

?Pounding heart

?Dry mouth

?Rapid breathing

?Each child has different signs.

The key is to identify your child?s unique anger signs.

Anger escalates quickly. If a child waits until he is in ?Melt down? to get himself back into control, it?s too late?and so are you to try and help him. Watch for your child?s signs! They come split seconds before that meltdown.

Each of us have our own unique ?anger warnings? and your child is no different. If you want proof, ask your child what your sign is.

Believe me, most children home-in and identify their parents? signs: ?You always do that weird thing with your eyes, Mum!? Or ?You always put your glasses down on your nose, Dad!?

Children know our signs. The trick is helping them recognize their signs.

Step 2. Recognize Potential Anger Triggers

Every child has certain cues that trigger deeper frustrations and unresolved conflicts that may resort in angry outbursts. For example: Your child may feel unappreciated in your family, may feel inadequate in a competitive classroom environment, or may suffer from low self-esteem.

The key is to identify what causes the anger in your child and help him be aware of it when it occurs. What are your child?s unique anger triggers?

Once you create that list, ask yourself if anything on there can be reduced or cut so as to temper that anger. For instance:

?Can you and your spouse vow to have those arguments in the backyard or elsewhere and not in front of the children?

?If that violent video game seems to be triggering your child?s outbursts, what about replacing it with a healthier alternative?

?If your child is too upset on that soccer team, does he really need to play?

Watch for your child?s unique triggers that cause him to be irritable, frustrated and upset. Cut those things that can be reduced.

Step 3. Develop a Feeling Vocabulary

Many children display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting because they simply don?t know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotion vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your child develop one.

Here are a few emotion words:

?angry,

?upset,

?mad,

?frustrated,

?agitated,

?furious,

?apprehensive,

?tense,

?nervous,

?anxious,

?irritated,

?furious,

?ticked off and

?irate.

When your child is angry, use the words so that he can apply them to real life:

?Looks like you?re really angry. Want to talk about it??

?You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off??

Your goal is to have your child be able to label his upset feelings to you ? without the inappropriate outburst. And when he does, acknowledge and reinforce it!

You will have to honour your child when he does share an upset feeling, ?I?m so angry!!!? Let him vent. It?s better to share the emotion than to hit or have an outburst. He needs some way to express those angry feelings appropriately!

Hint: If your child is nonverbal, you may want to consider teaching a nonverbal gesture or sign language to help him express the feelings.

Step 4. Teach Healthy Anger Management Skills

Find the best anger management strategy that fits your child. Then practice, practice, practice it in calm moments until your child can use it without you.

There are many strategies that children can learn to help reduce intense, unhealthy anger. Not all strategies work for all children. The secret is to find the technique that works best for your child and then practice, practice, practice until it becomes a habit.

Here a few of the most successful anger management techniques I've taught children.

?Tear anger away. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and ?throw the anger away.? He can also use the concept by imaging that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.

?Use self-talk. Teach a simple, positive message your child can say to himself in angry moments. For example, ?Stop and calm down.? ?Stay in control.? Or ?I can handle this.?

?Teach abdominal breath control. Teach the method with your child sitting in a comfortable position, their back straight and pressed into a chair for support. Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation.

?Teach ?1 + 3 + 10.? Explain the formula: ?As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you?re losing control, do three things.

oFirst, stop and say: ?Be calm.? That?s 1.

oNow take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That?s 3.

oFinally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That?s 10.

oPut them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and doing it helps you calm down and get back in control.?

?Draw away your anger. When working at a primary school I found giving a young boy a sketch pad helped him ?draw away his anger.? Some children then take the paper depicting their anger, tear it into tiny pieces and toss it away others chose to keep it and others use it to point to how they?re feeling at a later date (non-verbal signal, rather than an outburst)

Find what works for your child to calm down. Then turn that new way into a habit!

Teach your child that while he can be upset, he may not resort to physical means to display his upset feelings. Each time he uses aggression (kicking, biting, pinching, etc.). He will go to a ?calm down? place.

Step 5. Use time Out When Inappropriate Anger Persists

Children who are quick to anger often need an adult to help calm them down. So create a place where your child can go to regulate his behaviour. I suggest you ask your child to help create that spot. A child must be removed from any social setting for aggressive behaviour (that?s ?Time Out?).Remember to stay calm yourself.

If you yell or scold, an angry child only gets angrier. Your child needs you to stay in control so s/he can stay in control.

Just calmly state: ?That?s hitting. You can?t hit when you?re angry. You need to go to Time Out.? (Or call it the ?Calm Down? spot).

Step 6. Create ?Time In? Spots to Help Alleviate Outbursts

Replacing inappropriate anger is a slow process. An angry child needs much more ?Time Ins? (positives moments) than ?Time Outs.? Look for those moments to acknowledge your child?s attempts ? even fleeting ones ? to try and stay in control.

Your ultimate goal is for your child to recognize s/he is getting upset and needs to take their own ?Time Out.? Help your child create a spot where they can go to ?stress down? or ?relax.? Better yet, have your child create his own spot! When that stress starts to kick in, you or your child recognizes the anger sign(s) showing up, or your child is in a situation with people who often trigger his outbursts.

?Easy to anger? children can go from Code Green to Code Red in seconds. Stay calm and direct them to a ?stress-free zone? or a place that is away from the stress scene. Remember, your own anger or stress can trigger your child?s anger. Children mirror adults? behaviour.

I suggest to parents that they set up a spot that is quiet but not punishing. Set it up (your child can help) with a beanbag, an MP3 player with soothing music, playdoh, a stress ball ?anything your child feels is helpful and calming. Encourage your child to go to that ?calm down? spot.

And when your child says, ?I?m getting angry!? celebrate! He is beginning to learn self-control!

Learning anger management skills to replace those inappropriate outbursts and aggression may take time. Hang in there!

[sunbob]

Thank you Aaron. How kind of you to give all of these thoughts/experiences. I know I will be revisiting your words for inspiration with my children.

[SuperManny]

No problem.

This morning whilst Winter cleaning I found a book I have read over 10 times.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk

Authors = Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

A great book with pictures that walks you through scenarios, there are also 'mini assignments' that get you to think like your child/ren in certain scenarios. The book completely altered how I spoke to children and young people with immediate visible effects.

There is a book for those that have teenagers:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Once both are read I can certainly say having children will become 'enjoyable' and not feel like a job or a stress!

A little thought -

How many times has your child come to you with a problem and you've been loading the washing machine or peeling the potatoes (etc.) and you've continued to talk to them but had no eye contact.

I guess lots because we all lead 'hectic' lives. Well just by stopping what your doing and making eye contact, even maybe putting your hand on their shoulder or holding their hand(s) as they speak helps them believe you truly are listening and really care.

If it is bullying or someone has physically hurt your child then putting your hand on their shoulder lets them know they're 'safe' and don't respond to what they're saying with lengthy lectures instead use 'Oh' 'Ummm' and 'I see' these are connectives and allows your child to bridge their discussion easily especially if they are nervous about talking to you.

Feel free to follow my Blog

http://thesupermanny.blogspot.co.uk/

Super Manny

[WorkingMummy]

Supermanny wrote:

"Once both are read I can certainly say having children will become 'enjoyable' and not feel like a job or a stress! "

Supermanny, my three wonderful but variously challenging children are much more than 'enjoyable'; they are THE joy of my life. I don't need a book to make that so, thanks. And I think you are flat wrong to suggest that any book, theory, tip or approach can make looking after children stress free. I am afraid I can't resist commenting that being a parent is a whole different ball game from being a nanny or counsellor. Way, way different. Having said that, I would be very surprised to find a nanny for three pre-school children, including one infant, which is life chez nous, who didn't get stressed in 'the job' regularly.

There's lots else you say I disagree with. Like, I believe it's absolutely fine for a parent to occasionally, actually quite often, not reply to a child with eye contact. That's not hectic lifestyle talking. No parent can meet all their child's needs and wants all the time. I have once read the "talk so kids listen" book but did not like it that much, particularly the aspect of trying to classify kids in different ways. But i think the one i had was by a guy, so maybe it's a different book. Also, I think the "argue with your spouse in the garden so the kids don't hear" thing is a bit f'd up to be frank. Our kids see us argue sometimes, and they see us work it out. There's no point hiding disagreement under the carpet or in the back yard! (And anyhow, a reality check is in order: if you have a baby, a toddler and a four year old in the house you absolutely CANNOT leave the children alone while you have a private conversation of any kind. In fact, I can't see that working out even if you just had one four year old!!)

But what I'd really like is recommendations on a kids' book, for pre schoolers, about feeling angry, and how it happens to us all and is fine. Curmudgeon, you tipped Michel Rosen, and I see he has an angry book as well as a sad one, so I'll try them both, thanks.

WM

[Inkmaiden]

I've always liked Angry Arthur by Hiawyn Oram and Satoshi Kitamura- for me it captures that totally overwhelming, all encompassing rage that sometimes affects young children. However, not everybody likes it so maybe read the reviews and see if you think it would be right for your child.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Angry-Arthur-Hiawyn-Oram/dp/1842707744

[Ju*Ni]

How about "I feel angry" by Brian Moses:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/I-Feel-Angry-Your-Emotions/dp/0750214031/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358879070&sr=1-1#_

I also like "It's ok to be different" by Todd Parr and often read it to groups of preschool children. It's not so much about anger - even though I know one page says 'It's ok to be mad' - but generally about realising that different feelings as well as different ways of being yourself are ok.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Okay-Different-Todd-Parr/dp/0316043478/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358879247&sr=1-1

[WorkingMummy]

Great. I'm going to take a look at both of those Ju Ni. Thank you!

Inkmaiden, I completely get your phrase, "that totally overwhelming, all encompassing rage that sometimes affects young children". Personally, I think "anger management" is completely beyond the capabilities of a toddler/pre-schooler. My LO, who as well as raging regularly, is a lovely and loving little girl who really wants to get things "right" would, I am sure, simply feel even more overwhelmed if I ever tried to get her to count to ten or "breathe" or keep it in until later. She's four! She just needs to get it out and then she recovers. To that end, I like the look of Angry Arthur and will buy it.

[Inkmaiden]

Oh good!

FWIW I don't think "inappropriate anger", is really the correct term to apply to this age group. Sometimes watching a toddler/pre-schooler in the throes of a huge rage I just get the feeling that their anger is so much bigger than them at that moment- it deserves to be acknowledged as a real and very powerful thing. I've always found that acknowledging it and letting them express how they truly feel, no matter how awful it sounds to you, is more effective and actually less time consuming than trying to "manage" it or rationalise it.

[WorkingMummy]

Yes. Totally, 100 percent agree. I wish I had realised this a little earlier than I have. Bless her , my eldest (the four year old) has been a great teacher to husband and me.

[minder]

Wow WorkingMummy, I think SuperManny was only trying to help!

[WorkingMummy]

I've no doubt he was. And as a mother of a four (and two and 0.5) year old, (ie pre schoolers, which this thread is clearly about) I'm saying, for this age group, not helpful, thanks. And in places, really very inappropriate. Which are comments I make in good faith in the hope of being helpful to him.

[treehugger]

I thought SuperManny's comments, which he obviously took much time over were very useful, and his book suggestions excellent. I have two children (now at university) and am/was a working mother and will freely admit that there were many times that i found parenting a challenge - and at other times a joy. Advice, of the nature that SM gave, helped me a lot through difficult moments.

[WorkingMummy]

Really? In the specific context of PRE-schoolers? So, telling a three or four year old to practise controlled breathing, or "self-talk" is helpful for them as a response to temper tantrums?

I genuinely and respectfully bow to your (and perhaps SuperManny's) enviable, valuable and (compared to me) way superior experience of everything that happens to a child from infant school onwards. But I gotta say, I cannot agree that SuperManny's advice is helpful in a thread about children below school age (which this thread is). Like Inkmaiden, I think attempts to manage and/or rationalise anger/temper tantrums in kids as young as mine is counterproductive and unfair on them.

Could I just paint the picture for anyone who has not lived/worked with very little children yet or recently? It is not necessary to scratch your head and ask what "anger triggers" are operating on a child of this age. It is very, very obvious what has made them angry at any one time (although sometimes a challenge to accept/dig their reasoning). So, I'm talking about (completely age-appropriate) TOTAL, immediate, heart-broken melt downs over, for example, not being able to take a new library book into the bath with them. Or uncontrollable, frustrated, thrasing out and raging because, for some logistical reason or other which means nothing from the child's point of view, we cannot walk home from nursery via the park today. You seriously advocate starting a dialouge with such a young child about recognising their "anger cues" and brain storming with them to develop a way to control it (count to ten, breath deeply, self-talk, going to a self-created calm down zone)? You think a little kid that size can rationalise what is happening to them? You think it's fair to ask a four year old to self-edit her expressions of emotions by telling herself, "Be calm! You can do this!"? IMHO, no child that age should be expected to "talk about it" in that way or to develop anger-management skills.

I completely accept that SuperManny was being very kind and trying to be helpful, and that he took a lot of time to write two exceptionally long posts in response to my request. That is partly why I'm doing him the justice of a thoughtful response.

[Saffron]

Around 7 years old is when it's widely accepted that logic and reason become more fully developed in children. Therefore, under this age, it's more difficult (to a greater/lesser degree, depending on the specific child) to help them rationalise events and emotions.

For pre-schoolers, I would definitely keep it all short. Long explanations and requests for self-reflections are not likely to counter-act the tipping point for a meltdown once your LO is within eyesight of the "event horizen" -- that point-of-no-return around the black hole of a temper tantrum.

Forumite Fuschia posted an interesting link on this a while back... http://m.npr.org/story/143062378?url=/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

From the link:

But where one age-old theory of tantrums might suggest that meltdowns begin in anger (yells and screams) and end in sadness (cries and whimpers), Potegal found that the two emotions were more deeply intertwined.

"The impression that tantrums have two stages is incorrect," Potegal said. "In fact, the anger and the sadness are more or less simultaneous."

Green and Potegal found that sad sounds tended to occur throughout tantrums. Superimposed on them were sharp peaks of yelling and screaming: anger.

The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible, Potegal said, was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do.

"When I'm advising people about anger, I say, 'There's an anger trap,"' Potegal said.

[SuperManny]

As a mother 'WorkingMummy' you can adjust the above points to suit your scenario!!

WorkingMummy wrote:

"It is very, very obvious what has made them angry at any one time (although sometimes a challenge to accept/dig their reasoning)"

No it's not that easy, I work with under 5s as well and the trigger don't just jump out and show themselves to you! All I am saying is make a note of what triggers your child might have.

For example the 4 year old I work with wanted to ride her bike to school on Monday. Now if I had said NO {bluntly} then she would have had a melt down. The fact I knew this would happen I discussed over breakfast with her older siblings that it won't be possible to take the bikes today but how about we take the sledges meant I had prevented a melt down that previously had been inevitable !

WorkingMummy wrote:

So, I'm talking about (completely age-appropriate) TOTAL, immediate, heart-broken melt downs over, for example, not being able to take a new library book into the bath with them.

If you have a child that has a melt down over taking a new library book in the bath with them, that the child has not had someone say to them. "Now it's bathtime, we can play with the toys in the bath and read our 'water books' {as I call them}. Then when we get out we can sit together and read your new book"

It's all in the way we speak to children! In 6 years I have never been 'the instigator' of a melt down but almost always been the 'preventer' or 'healer' - picking up the pieces afterwards.

WorkingMummy wrote:

Or uncontrollable, frustrated, thrashing out and raging because, for some logistical reason or other which means nothing from the child's point of view, we cannot walk home from nursery via the park today

A child from the age of !!! 2 !!!!! can take responsibility for THEIR actions. IMHO - any child that thrashes out for the reason of anger should be put on 'a time out' of some description!

Speak to them and explain, also give alternatives or give them what they want in fantasy ! YES get a notepad out and write "Sammy wishes he could go to the park" or "Sammy wishes he could have an ice-cream" TRUST me it works and stops the horrible melt downs in the seriously expensive gift shops!

OH and yes getting the to breath slowly helps! I'm not saying force them to do all of that step but maybe just the breathing part!

WorkingMummy wrote:

argue with your spouse in the garden so the kids don't hear" thing is a bit f'd up to be frank. Our kids see us argue sometimes, and they see us work it out. There's no point hiding disagreement under the carpet or in the back yard!

This is not an issue as it doesn't involve violence but I would like to add when I worked as a Nanny when the parents would argue in front of their kids, they later developed a sense of disrespect for others as they thought it could be fixed and I quote "work it out"! The kids were 8 and 11 but even though your son is 4 he's taking it all in! First year at school will show this, trust me I've been on the end of listening to kids explain how they're parents argue and then they think they can back chat school staff!

Finally on this point, common sense prevails. No one to watch the kids then wait till they're in bed.

Penultimate point! I don't like putting children into categories, something I DON'T do and IMHO people who do are not doing the right thing in terms of the child! Again I read the book but adapt it to the situation I face.

Last point, eye contact is not a must but if they are upset about something then YES you should look at them! How would you feel?

Regards

SuperManny

[WorkingMummy]

Quote:

"If you have a child that has a melt down over taking a new library book in the bath with them, that the child has not had someone say to them. "Now it's bathtime, we can play with the toys in the bath and read our 'water books' {as I call them}. Then when we get out we can sit together and read your new book"

Ok, SuperManny, I'm not sure you are for real. You have a word (water books) to fend off a spontaneous outburst over reading in the bath? And it works like magic?

WOW!

If you are seriously coming from a place that says that "meltdowns" in toddlers and pre-schoolers are a preventable sign of the adult carer getting it wrong, or "not having done or said" such and such a magic word or action, then your thoughts truly are of no practical help to parents.

And I'm sorry, mate, but I ain't taking marriage guidance tips from you.

:-)

WMxxx

[Fuschia]

If someone could give me the necessary vocabulary to stop my 2 year old trying to stir the toilet with my fish slice, I would be endlessly grateful

[Saffron]

The five most horrible words a parent can hear: Mummie, I washed your phone. (Followed by a flushing sound...)

[Saffron]

But seriously, being a seconday care giver (ie nanny, sitter, etc) is not the same as being a parent. This is true from the adult's p.o.v. as well as the child's p.o.v. Children act differently with parents than with secondary care givers for a variety of complex reasons. Solutions which work well for one adult may be more difficult for another to implement with the same child(ren). My point is that the solution needs to fit the adult in the scenario too, not just the child. Behavioural advice is great, but it only fits where it touches. xx

[WorkingMummy]

Ah joy! Or my two year old's penchant for moving things to better places for Mummy. Glasses, keys, phones, squirrelled away in the most genius hiding places. Not "hiding". No sir. She's "doing tidy up time!"

[WorkingMummy]

Totally Saffron.

I am touched by the need for deep breathing/emotional management and self-reflection from time-to-time in the happy task of caring for toddlers. For the adult, though, not the child.

[susyp]

just to say in support of workingmummy

i deliberately didn;t send my child to one of the local primary schools as it had a "mood" board that the children had to put on their "mood" every morning.

at 4 years old. really?!

or should they come in , sit down and listen to the teacher. Yes I think so.

and yet the primary school I did send her too I felt had a much more friendly , open attitude in general, especially towards working with parents.

not in east dulwich i hasten to add before anyone gets cross.

any, i digress slightly. just wanted to say , I feel workingmummy's pain, on so many levels. my child isn't angry now, but certainly was a year or so back.

And she is also very different with me than with my husband, her teacher, her grandparents. Children are different with their mums - as they can totally let loose I think. So that also means far more meltdowns. And that is not because I don't look her in the eye, or give her my full attention when she speaks to me. That is because I am her mum and that is just how it is. And sometimes, No is just No. without lots of explanations.

And yes, in an ideal world, no arguing in front of kids. But, the world is far from ideal. Sorry.

susypx

[nubby'smums]

Totally agree re the different behaviour thing for parents and secondary caregivers. As a childminder, I see kids that are generally really good for me totally kick off for their parents in quite a shockingly different way. I know my son is a lot better behaved at school than at home too so its not that as a childminder I'm some kind of behaviour whizz.