Connecticut shooting -- have you spoken to your children about it?

[Pengui]

I hate to even bring up this nightmare on the forum, but I do so because I'm at a loss as to whether or not I should prepare my Year 1 child for playground talk about the shooting. My child has not heard the news. We are from the US and the same general region as the crime scene, and if we were still there I would definitely say something before Monday (I suspect every teacher in the US will speak to their classes about it). But do I need to bring this up to my child here? Have you? Will local school children be speaking or thinking about this on Monday?

[sanity girl]

No I won't. I can't even bring myself to watch/read the news coverage

[bawdy-nan]

mine watch the news sometimes (and we have r4 on mostly so they hear that too) 10 and 8. We talked about it afterwards. How its a horrible news story, how awful and unusual a situation it is,- about how in the us anyone who wants one can have a gun (trying to distinguish from here). I waited until they came across the story themselves. thought they prob would hear it somehow but wanted to be able to answer any questions and acknowledge the horrible was of it.

[Mrs TP]

Pengui you must be really feeling this dreadful situation and heightened by the fact you can identify with it so strongly. Does your child have the same strength of identity with the situation? I would be tempted not to discuss it with your child, at this age, unless they pick up on it. I doubt such young children will be talking about it in the playground - but you don't know. It is also possible the school may discuss it with the juniors but (I am guessing) only if a significant number are obviously aware of it. It is an awful situation but it will not get the continued coverage here that it will in the US. Perhaps if you were there it would be necessary to talk openly about it.

However, if you need to be honest do - always the best policy.

My older two were little when Madeline McCann disappeared, 3 and 6, and it was difficult to shelter them from the news. The 3yr old took it really badly and I had to go over it endless times with her and reassure her. For up to two years or so she kept asking me if she had been found.

[bluesuperted]

Hi Pengui,

I read this bulletin from AhaParenting about dealing with this horrific event with children and found it really thoughtful, my son is still too little to really get what's going on but it did make me think twice about having the radio on in the car (we are away) and also discussing it endlessly with my husband (which is always the way I process these terrible things - trying to talk about it when he's not about now). Thought it might be a helpful read:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/How_To_Talk_with_Kids_about_Tragedies_Like_School_Shooting/

[Curmudgeon]

I would doubt there will be playground talk about this to be honest, not at that age

[Pengui]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your comments and the Aha link. Since I am certain my child has no knowledge of what happened I'll just wait to see if the subject comes up. Part of me wants to protect him from the news, or prepare him for it, but I think Mrs TP is right -- this impulse probably has more to do with my own strength of identity with this situation. Fortunately we are here and far away from the endless coverage this story will get.

[susyp]

I'd also reiterate holding off unless you really have to explain it. I was a bit over enthusiastic in explaining stranger danger to my daughter after the april jones murder and it meant she wouldn't have her school photograph taken as the man was a stranger. She still tells me off whenever I talk to anyone she doesn't know - as they are strangers.

Hard being a parent isn't it!

Susypx

[Saffron]

While the Aha article was interesting and useful, I don't agree with everything it says, and I felt like it had an unnecessarily antimedia undertone.

The situation is so disturbing to us as adults that our children are likely to pick up on our upset. It's important to think about the effect on our children before just flooding kids with our own raw emotions. So before you talk with your child about a tragedy like a school shooting, reassure yourself. Your child is no less safe than he or she was last week. The chances of your family being touched directly by such a tragedy are much, much, much less than the chances of a car accident, and you get in a car every day. If you have a hard time believing this, it's a red flag that you've exposed yourself too intimately to the news. It's our job as parents to manage our own emotions so they don't adversely affect our children. Every time you see more news about this tragedy, you're sending yourself back into fight or flight mode. It's hard not to watch, I know. In the face of the unbelievable, we find ourselves obsessed. But if you turn off the news, you'll be better able to stay centered, and better able to help your child.

The argument of age-appropriate viewing aside, the very reason we as parents --as people-- are touched so deeply by distant tragedies has less to do with our relationship with news media than it does to do directly with our humanity. Rather than trying to lull ourselves and our children into a sheltered sense of safety by switching off the news or not talking about it, why not actively do something to support the people who are struggling? And help your children (if they're old enough), to be part of that, like making a donation together online, or even volunteering somewhere locally.

The idea that we can soothe our children's fears over other people's tragedies by reassuring our children that we ourselves are safe is a bit twisted. While it sounds nice at first, it is actually a bit like saying Let's not acknowledge other people's starvation, because we ourselves know there will always be plenty of food on our table. I believe that children, even young children, are savvy to this kind of artificial platitude.

Personally, while I wouldn't force children to watch or talk about something upsetting like a public tragedy, I wouldn't hide it from them either (within reason, let's not be hyperbolic about it). And the Aha article's statement that children under 13 yo should not have the telelvision/radio on when there has been a public tragedy is actually ludicrous. Knowledge of tragedy is not what traumatises. It's inability/failure to take action in the face of tragedy that leads to feelings of trauma.

Pengui, as your child is quite young, your wait-and-see approach sounds quite sensible. However, as you child grows maybe it's how you use your own strength of identity in discussing tragedies with your child that will help him develop a strength of identity too, and a deep sense of connection with humanity on a global and cross-cultural level? xx

[buggie]

Might be worth looking out for or even recording tomorrow's Newsround on Cbbc/bbc 1.

Being a news programme for children they are very careful to explain what has happened without patronising.

If you have it recorded you can use it if they become aware/want to talk about it or you could watch it and see if it would be appropriate. I still remember watching it when the Challenger disaster occurred & how clearly it was explained & think we're lucky there is such a programme available for children in the UK.

At 2yr old Bugglet's too young to need to consider this, but, after recent events in my life I'm now much more aware of her picking up emotions/noticing when things are out of kilter & know I need to be careful/prepared in future for questions to come in similar situations.

[Otto]

Had the same question - whether to address it. I grew up twenty minutes away from Newtown and my mother still lives there. We often visit as a family and I have an 8 and a 11 year old. Our house does not watch telly or listen to the radio though we all do catch the news via the internet. I have decided to leave it alone and address it if it comes up. My mother, who is a retired school psychiatrist has volunteered herself out of retirement and will be helping in the local schools in Connecticut this week. It has been difficult not to talk about it in our house, but, we have left conversations to after the children are in bed asleep. If it comes up, we will listen to what the kids think and respond to their words and thoughts rather than putting our own thoughts and reactions in their minds.

[susyp]

Saffron what you raise is v interesting. I agree to a point, eg I help at a children's cancer charity and my daughter who is 4 knows what it is and why I help. I don't shield her or myself from the harsh reality about it. However that aha article did make me think about how I always pour over the details of any tragedy involving children and it def makes me an - even more - neurotic parent. So I am taking its advice and not reading any more. It is a random occurance and it is unlikely I can do anything to help. I thinking about the parents but I don't need full details to do that?

Susypx

[BeccaL]

Interesting piece here on the BBC site (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20760883) - worth a read both in relation to this but also generally relating to news events

[Saffron]

susyp Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Saffron what you raise is v interesting. I agree

> to a point, eg I help at a children's cancer

> charity and my daughter who is 4 knows what it is

> and why I help. I don't shield her or myself from

> the harsh reality about it. However that aha

> article did make me think about how I always pour

> over the details of any tragedy involving children

> and it def makes me an - even more - neurotic

> parent. So I am taking its advice and not reading

> any more. It is a random occurance and it is

> unlikely I can do anything to help. I thinking

> about the parents but I don't need full details to

> do that?

>

Well, that's a decision that can only be made by each individual.

Some people will actually want to hear the victims speak. Indeed many victims find that talking about their experiences is part of the healing. They need people to listen to them, an audience for their healing. Television and social media are the modern platforms for this.

Of course we need to think about what's age appropriate for our children and not let our own neuroticism play out through our interactions with our children. The Aha article does well to highlight this. So in that respect it did have some good things to say. It was interesting, and I don't think it was a bad article. I just think the article suffers from being hastily written, with an unnecessarily antimedia undertone. For example, in a list of 12 ways to help your child, it offered number 1 as Turn off the TV. Whereas, Listen to your child came 7th, and Empower you child came last!

If the article gave you pause for thought about excessive media consumption by children in general, that's wonderful. But let's not get so caught in the antimedia hype that we forget that Listening and Empowering our children should be top on our lists. IMHO.

[Saffron]

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/17/15972814-inspired-to-act-26acts-of-kindness-to-honor-those-lost-in-newtown-conn?lite

Inspired to act: #26Acts of kindness to honor those lost in Newtown, Conn.

By Ann Curry, NBC News

Newtown's heartbreak has a lot of us asking, "What can I do?" Thinking about this, I took to Twitter and asked people to imagine what would happen if all of us committed to 20 acts of kindness to honor each child lost in Newtown. I added, "I'm in. If you are, RT #20Acts."

Tens of thousands of people on Twitter and Facebook not only seized the idea, they increased it to #26Acts, to include the heroic teachers, and are launching acts of kindness big and small all over America. The acts are spreading overseas, including one tweeted from Borneo.

Some changed the hashtag to #26ActsOfKindness, some wanted to increase it to 27, and 28. All good. You are in charge of this wave now.

We are curating some of the acts shared so far, as a way to inspire you, and maybe help heal us all.

Fred Rogers once said that when he saw scary things in the news as a boy, his mother would say, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."