Working mama dilemma - any wise words?

[Mrs_Glennie]

Afternoon,

I was wondering if any forum-ites had any wise words for me?

Having had a wonderful year off with my first baby, I was happy to go back to my old job knowing that I was going to be doing a 4 day a week and still had a day at home with my daughter which had worked really well since September and I love having that extra time with her.

Last week I was offered another job, a promotion, that would mean I would have to commit to a 5 day week with the possibility of relocating to another city within the next 3 months. It would be a great salary and could mean a hugely improved quality of life for our little family - ie. buying a house rather than living in a flat and living a less hectic pace of life in a smaller city BUT I feel a real pang of sadness at the idea of not having a day with my girl and the possibility of moving away from my whole support network, friends, NCT group and in-laws after 13 years in London making me feel quite anxious.

The company have given me until Monday to think it over and I'm genuinely torn, this COULD be great or it could be awful and I'd end up feeling stressed and isolated. Am I being selfish wanting a day alone with my daughter when she'll be at school in less than 4 years?

I could really use some impartial advice?

Thanks,

Mrs G

[Lochie]

Hi mrs g,

We kind of have a similar dilemma, not with jobs, but deciding whether to stay round here with family and friends and all that living in this nice part of London offers (but not being able to afford to buy a home).... or moving out of London and being able to buy a small house and potentially have access to really good state schools and a nicer quality of life (but very much missing friends and family).

Someone told me that whatever you decide to do, it is always reversible....so you could try out this new job and city and go back to London if it doesn't work? At least you will know then.

I work in HR and would also add that you could take this new job, prove your worth, then after 6-12 months ask for a 4 day working week? That is something I would definitely advise when being w working mum and considering full time work (when you actually want to work part time).

Finally, depending on where the new job is e.g. Oxford, it's so easy to get back to London for the weekend to visit friends etc.

I feel the London v. Out of London is often a head v heart decision. For me London is where my heart is but my head says standard of living and affordability of housing, good schools for kids etc means we will look out of London :-(

I can understand why you will find the decision hard.

Good luck!

[LondonMix]

More than the day at home with your daughter what would concern me was being away from my support network in a new place with a young baby. Everyone will deal with such a dramatic change differently.

I would say try to think about what objectively makes you happy / unhappy. If you find your current financial situation very stressful and it makes you unhappy then the promotion would be a great step forward. Are you really unhappy living in a flat and slowly building your savings though or is it just one of those things you feel like you are meant to want?

If you get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from interesting and stimulating work and the idea of the role genuinely excites you then likely you will be happy with your choice. However, if you simply enjoy work and are happiest around your friends and family and rely on them a lot for emotional support / help with child care and see them regularly, you might find being cut off from them more wrenching than the benefits gained.

Also, the additional day spent with your daughter I'm sure is very special and you have to wonder if the additional fulfillment from work will offset what you will be giving up! If the city you are moving to is less hectic though you might end up working less hours during the week / have a shorter commute and therefore the difference in time you spend with her might not be as much as it looks.

Do you make friends easily and do you enjoy getting to know new places? All of these things will play a role.

Good luck with what must be a very difficult decision!

[Miacis]

Tough choice but couple of thoughts:

You'll never get those days back with your daughter

Meeting others when you work full time can be harder

London is not such a bad place to bring up kids

[shaunag]

Hi mrs G

All of the above, plus, how ambitious are you? If very, do you think when your lo goes to school you might regret not taking the opportunity,or worse,resenting her for it? Is this opportunity likely to come up again further down the line, or is it more of a if you don't take it now you are unlikely to get it again? Could you take the job, do the upheaval, but come back to your current or a better position in london if it doesn't work out? Can you take the possibility of havin another baby into consideration (sorry to be so blunt,but if a likelihood might mean more time with your daughter before she starts school). They are only little for such a short time,and it is very precious time that you will never get back. But, it will be easier on her if you are going to relocate to do it while she is still little-do you envisage an ultimate move out of london anyway? I work ft and miss my daughter like mad so I really dont know what I would do in your situation. That said, she is getting to an age where i feel she really needs the stimulation she gets from nursery, and on weekends we need to start doing playdates as she is a bit bored hanging out with grown ups as she as yet has no siblings. If you are not closing any doors long term by turning the job down,it might help with the decision? Just firing fuel for thought (of course don't expect an answer to any of the above!)

[oimissus]

I think if you're working full time then as long as you are somewhere where you can get top quality childcare, then in a way the support network you've built up becomes less important (other than keeping up friendships I mean) - does that make sense? The support is more important the more at home with your child you are. Also, if you move out of London, you may not be able to move back as you may end up being priced out - depends on where you're headed. And of course if you're headed somewhere lush then everyone will want to come and visit anyway! What does your partner think of it all - how does it fit in with his work? Will you have shorter commutes than you do now? What about schools? Proximity to family?

[canela]

do you want to live and bring up kids in london or have you always thought you would leave one day? either is fine.

[The Nappy Lady]

Hi there

I can totally empathise with your dilemma.

I was going to say the same as LondonMix re commute & working hours - you may get more time with your

daughter at each end of the day.

Also if you plan to have another baby at some point (!) then assuming that's in say

18 months-2 years you would then have your maternity leave time with both of

Them & could maybe negotiate going back part time??

Bringing up children in London is great, we are commited to stating but were lucky to buy a house 15 years ago.

As they get older you ideally do need more space - at least that's how we feel eg we are going to convert our

loft. We love having all London has to offer in our doorstep - and I think you appreciate the museums etc more

& more as they get older.

Also don't assume schools out of London will be better - they can be, but equally demand vs available spaces

can still be an issue & distances can be much worse to secondaries etc.

There are so many pros & cons its a really tough decision.

Def. write a list of each, look at it & then see what your heart is telling you!

Good luck,

[midivydale]

Congratulations on your promotion!

It is a hard choice to make but to echo lochie (wise lady:) ) no choice has do be made definate. You can change back.

I am in a similar predicament as i am jus starting to negotiate my return to a job in the city.

Do i ask to work 3 days (and resign to the fact that i will be bypassed for every promotion) or go back to full time.

I have decided after alot of sleepless nights to do 3 day weeks- for now.

We went through hell and back to have our son- i dont know if

We can have any more children so at this point in time the choice is more time

with ds.

Good luck with whatever you decide and dont forget that you can only base a decision on the here and now. What does your other half say?

C x

[millsa]

Thanks everyone for helpful comments, I have just read them with great interest because I am in a similar situation: can stay at my current job for three days a week which is great, but only for six more months. Or go full time and on a permanent contract. The job is a great opportunity for me but it means not really seeing my two kids, both under 5. Like Mrs Glennie, I treasure my two days when I am with them and can't imagine losing them, but equally I can't imagine staying at home with them five days a week in six months...

My decision time is this week too - and I have decided to ask for flexi work, ie working three full days and two half days and make up the hours somehow, but at least this would give me two afternoons in a week with them. And then ask for 4 days in a few months time, as Lochie suggested. So Mrs G, it is a hard decision and lots to consider but also ask yourself in a few months time whether - in case you don't take the job - this was a missed opportunity. I know I will have felt that if I don't give it a go, at least try and see. I can always leave if this doesn't work out, it is reversible...

Good luck!

[Mrs_Glennie]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment and give me your wise words, I really appreciate it.

This feels lie one of the hardest choices I've had to make in a long time and I've changed my mind so many times in the past week.

My OH is torn too, he has a good job in London although he's been looking to move for a while as he has to travel quite a bit and hates being away from our daughter, but he really doesn't want to leave his job without finding another one and the city we are looking to move to doesn't have much/anything in his field.

Another thing to consider is maternity pay, I''m hoping to have another baby in the next 2-3 years and this job wouldn't give me the same benefits I had last time - which were very generous and enabled me to really enjoy my year off. THis whole process has as a by product made me quite certain that I would like to have another baby though, which has made my husband very happy! I would worry about being a new mum in an unfamiliar town though, I don't know where I'd be without my NCT girls over the past year.

I think I'm going to stay put in London and focus on our wonderful friends, our 'bijou' but lovely flat and my daughter and all the amazing things I get to experience by being at home with her, even just for that one day, she's just started walking and each day new words are coming!

I'm trying to craft an email turing the job down and I feel so guilty for having wasted their time even by considering it for so long, it feels a bit like trying to break up with an overkeen boyfriend :(

Thanks again for all your advice EDF.

Mrs G