To the mother of the child having a meltdown in the co-op

[tiddles]

This is for the mother of a little girl who was having a TOTAL meltdown in the co-op this afternoon around 4pm. Well done!! You were amazing - completely calm and collected and in control the whole time. I salute you!!!

[WorkingMummy]

I was not that Mummy. But I'll add my voice to the chorus of praise.

[pebbles]

I'd also like to add my voice to the chorus of praise. So so so difficult to stay calm and collected so well done x

[susyp]

Absolutely.

I saw a little boy in the middle of the shopping centre near me yesterday lying on the floor and refusing to move. His mum was just standing with her pushchair reasoning with him. I was so impressed. I would have been dragging my daughter up and shoving her in the pushchair like a madwoman.

I guess some people just have that inner patience!!

although i have to say if I had another one I suspect I would be a little more patient as you know it all passes in time!

susypx

[Otta]

I just walk away hoping they won't catch up.

[Curmudgeon]

Otta Wrote:

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> I just walk away hoping they won't catch up.

arf

[Zephy]

How funny, I just happened across this thread and am about 90% sure that was me! Not overly confident on the date but I do vividly remember a particularly horrendous incident, in the Co-op, with my daughter at that time of year and that time of day. Did this mother have another child in a pushchair? (Could easily have gone unnoticed though as would have been difficult to compete with the racket she was making.)

Anyway, if so, sadly that was me (and sadly quite normal -- WorkingMummy, I read your angry daughter posts with sympathy and total understanding) and, as much as I would love to bask in the praise, feel I ought to own up as it really didn't end well and I don't think anybody witnessing the grand finale (me forcing her into the pushchair, carrying the LO and storming off down LL) would have described it as either calm or collected!

Of course it might not have been me, in which case I too salute the mother and apologise for stealing her glory on this Forum!

[jollybaby]

My daughter had a meltdown as we were leaving a shopping centre a couple of days ago, as I wouldn't go back and get her another balloon. I used the old stay calm and not engage approach. Pulled my buggy over to send a quick text to my partner and was called a 'f**king c**t' by a stranger for ignoring my wailing daughter!

This was not in ED I may add

[Belle]

Oh my god jollybaby!!! I have noticed a few dirty looks when I've done the same, (sometimes it really helps to let off steam by sending a message to your partner or friend saying 'arrgghhh' esp if attempting not to rise to it!) - but that is another level!! Can't understand why you were worthy of criticism but using the c-word in front of a toddler was fine?!!

I've been there many, many times. One particular time, when had a 2.8yr old and newborn with horrendous reflux, we all 3 ended up in tears trying to negotiate over a prescription at Sainsbury's pharmacy. happy days...

[susyp]

It's like with my wailing daughter when a baby , who had chronic reflux - got stopped on countless occasions by old ladies (when I was trying to get home as yet another trip out aborted) saying - "is she hungry love?". ARRGGGGHHHHH

susypx

[Zephy]

That's awful jollybaby, don't get me started on other people's opinions on how you should deal with a situation when they (a) don't know your child or (b) what your personal circumstances are.

I often use my phone during a public meltdown. I tell her that I still love her, and I'm not going anywhere, but I can't help her when she's being like this so I'm just going to stand here and read the news until she's ready to come with me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but it's one of my coping strategies. TBH I can't really concentrate on reading anything but the act of ignoring her usually quickens the process...

[hellosailor]

I find you often get dirty looks from people if you're using the 'ignoring it' approach, as if they assume that you just can't be bothered to engage with your poor crying child, rather than you're taking a tactical approach to a toddler having a tantrum because they saw chocolate in the shop you were just in, or whatever it might be!

I think some people assume that you could get your child to be quiet if you just tried, and you are thoughtlessly allowing them to ruin the peace, but of course you know what is likely to extend or reduce the tantrum time and ignoring it is often the best way forward to let it burn out!

Jollybaby, that is INCREDIBLE!!

SusyP, you've just reminded me of the newborn days when strangers come up to you unsolicited and state 'she's hungry' when your baby cries, aaaaagh! I had forgotten!

[WorkingMummy]

I think "coping strategies" as Zephy says are what you need, for yourself. As much if not more than strategies for what works for the child. Often nothing does.

In one of my threads Saffron posted a really useful link which I'll try to find and repost here. It was about peaks of anger/sadness in a typical toddler temper tantrum, and how once the tantrum takes hold, you just have to get them past the peaks of rage as soon as possible. And the way to do that, the researchers found, was to do nothing. Not walk away and leave them, not reason with them, not hold them. All of those things are likely to aggravate it, once its out of control.

But even doing nothing and staying calm is incredibly hard, especially if in a public place. Hence this congratulatory thread I guess.

One of my strategies is to try never tell my children off in front of anyone else if I can possibly help it, especially not in a public place. Save it for when you are alone and talk it through then. The sense of criticism from other adults around, that others have written about above, is so strong, I don't trust myself to be fair and helpful to my child when a lot of what is going on is that I feel ashamed and embarrassed. So in public especially I try to just stop and wait until its over.

Not easy though. I was in pizza express this weekend alone with my three and they were so good. Then towards the end the 4 and 2 year olds got a bit fidgety, that's all. No meltdowns. No naughtiness. But it is so stressful keeping them and the baby safe and well (on the bus there, crossing the road, with the hot food) I landed up being pretty cranky with them, just over that. HAD I had a tantrum to deal with too, goodness knows....

[Otta]

"Pulled my buggy over to send a quick text to my partner and was called a 'f**king c**t' by a stranger for ignoring my wailing daughter!"

That is unbelievable!

I must admit I've been on buses / trains, and wanted to scream "just pick the child up!!!" when people have been totally ignoring their distressed child. And by that I mean they hadn't even tried to negotiate, they just sit / stand there and refuse to look in the child's direction. That gets on my nerves.

[birnehelene]

Talking of coping strategies for parents reminds me of this lovely book which focusses on helping parents develop strategies to cope when things get tough.

The Joy of Parenting: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Guide to Effective Parenting in the Early Years (by Coyne and Murrell)

[Saffron]

WorkingMummy, here is the link on tantrums (I think this is the one you wanted?) http://m.npr.org/story/143062378?url=/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams .

As originally posted by Fuschia here http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?29,854520,854520#msg-854520 .

xx

[Sophiescarlett89]

Hi, you will frequently find me pushing my two year old daughter Tiffany in her pram around sainsburys dog kennel hill, and her screaming the place down, having MAJOR tantrums; the looks i get from other people; including other mothers (i wonder if there kids have NEVER had a tantrum and hissy fit; if not, i'd find this extremley concerning!) And it can be highly embarrassing but i'm learning to care less and less about what other people think thanks to recently enrolling on a Triple P (Positive Parenting Programme) course.

I will first off try the approach of explaining her behaviour is not very nice, and try distraction techniques but if all else fails, will resort to "Planned ignoring" and people look at me as though i am the devil in disguise!

It doesn't help that im a young mum either, so i think people assume that i don't know what im doing when in actual fact im qualified to work with this age group and also been on many courses around parenting and child behaviour.

Being humiliated in public is all part of having a small child under 5 i guess! At the moment, i can safely say i'm experiencing the full wrath of the terrible 2's, but i absolutely dote on my little princess :-)

[WorkingMummy]

birnehelene Wrote:

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> Talking of coping strategies for parents reminds

> me of this lovely book which focusses on helping

> parents develop strategies to cope when things get

> tough.

>

> The Joy of Parenting: An Acceptance and Commitment

> Therapy Guide to Effective Parenting in the Early

> Years (by Coyne and Murrell)

I took a look at this online and it seems to be coming from roughly the same starting point as me and my husband, so I've ordered it.

X