Rewarding bad behaviour

[Lochie]

Please help! My son has just turned 3 and I don't know how to discipline him anymore as he doesn't take me seriously or seem to care! He has started having really bad tantrums where if he doesn't get his way he will literally put himself in danger e.g. Driving up dog kennel hill after sainsburys trip he recently demanded kicking and screaming that I give him a pack of sweets that I'd just bought - as I said no he decided to climb out of car seat in protest. As I refused to give in to him we drove the remainder of the journey home without him strapped in.

This is quite a common occurrence, everything is a battle...even getting him to put coat on to go out the house. my current punishments are taking toys away, naughty step, no stories at bed....he either makes such a song and dance I give in (rewarding bad behaviour) or he doesn't care about the punishment and enjoys 'being naughty'.

I am a bit stuck on how to find an effective method to help make things easier for everyone. I have a 7 month old and actually he has got a lot worse since she has become more 'grabby' (he has a real thing about 'not sharing') at the moment. Up to a month ago he has been lovely with sis. He had also developed a great deal mentally in last few months I feel my punishments are not sophisticated enough?

If anyone has any tips I'd be grateful. I really hate rewarding his bad behaviour by giving in to his dictatorship demands! ;-(

[alice32]

I'm sure you probably know this, but it's so easy to get in a negative rut and find yourself in constant telling off mode. Whenever my son goes through similar phases - he's 5 now and behaviour certainly went a bit haywire when his sister was born 2 years ago - I have to check myself and try to remember the power of positive praise! It's hard and takes a concerted effort, but everyone's a bit jollier as a result! Sorry, not particularly helpful or practical advice, but just something I have to remember to do with my son.

[SarahG]

You've hit the nail on the head with regards to rewarding the bad behaviour. And you know what you need to do, you need to make sure you are not giving in, easier said than done I know.

The key to disapline is consistency and clarity. It needs to be at the time of the insident, not later on if at all possible. Any 'you will not have' threats MUST be followed through- every single time. If you can't or won't follow it through, don't threaten it. It's very possible at quite an early age for a child to easily pick up on what you will or will not carry through, until you do it- it's possible he simply won't believe you will (and he's right), meaning your stressed threats are pointless.

Use a calm voice- don't shout unless in a dangerous situation to gain his attention quickly. To shout will advertise your lack of control. Remember that eye contact and any talking to him is attention. Often, moving him physically but with no eye contact of words is very effective.

With regards to the car situation, it cannot happen that you are driving along with him out of his seat for many reasons. A way to handle it would have been to instantly pull over when safe to do so, silently put him back on his seat with no eye contact, tell him that if he does it again his sweets will go in the bin, if he gets out again put the sweets in the bin when you put him back in his seat. Drive again with no mention of it and repeat if necessary. There is no need for words at this point, you'll be feeding the behaviour- he knows its wrong, it doesn't need reiterating. When you get home, take him into the house as usual, get down to his level clearly and firmly tell him that you cannot drive with him out of his seat and that he must not get out of it. Do not go on about it again, it will put attention on it and remind him to do it. One warning- clear and direct with an immediate consequence which put YOU in control.

There are many other ways to correct behaviour like this but they are all based on blanking bad behaviour by not feeding it and giving it attention. You can beat this. You need to beat it! Well done asking for help :-)

Sarah x

[snowboarder]

Hmm - I'm not really a disciplinarian and my oldest (3.5 now) can be quite strong willed - and as you say there is no 'punishment' that seems to really have any effect - no more tea? Oh well go and play then! Take favourite bunny away? Oh well go and find teddy then....etc. My main 'tactic' as it were is to carefully choose my battles (wise advice from a lady we both know well I think Lochie?!?) - and frankly if a sweet in the car gets me home then I'll do it - maybe give 1 or 2 with the proviso that the rest will follow if he behaves on the way home. And if he doesn't want his coat on - well within reason I don't make a big deal out of it (too exhausting) and go with it and take it in my bag (I did recently have to go to out with a child with no shoes on....).

Also I just try and avoid situations which I can usually predict will be difficult. So avoidance and yes, I bribe. Very different to the above advice - but it comes down to your own and your child's character and personality and I just can't be at loggerheads the whole time! Good luck - these are trying times....I'm hoping school will work wonders :-)

[oimissus]

is he in nursery at all? It might be worth having a few mornings so that he can run around and let off steam without that pesky sister being about. I think toddlers can find babies playing quite frustrating - toddlers seem to be quite anal in their playing and get frustrated when a baby does it 'wrongly'. You could then have some one-to-one time with him at the weekend if your partner could take the baby for a couple of hours.

It will also allow you time to do those chores which have become a nightmare with a toddler - at around aged 2 trips to the supermarket stopped being a jolly outing and started being a pain in the arse, so I now shop when Miss Oi is at nursery or in the evening when Mr Oi is back. I know children have to fit in with family life but I don't think it does any harm to drop it during a challenging time.

Maybe try to hand him control of more situations - which park or activity would he like to do? What does he want to wear? What snack would he like? Give him just a couple of options so as not to confuse, but it might help him feel more 'grown-up', and could result in fewer 'nos' from you.

I agree with both of the above - pick your battles, but once you have said 'no', don't go back on it, whatever he does. Easier said on the internet than done in real life. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks - parents will be sympathetic and anyone else can bugger off with their disapproving stares.

Oh, and ignoring and making it clear that I am hurt and upset by bad behaviour has worked for us (sometimes), along with removal of extra special toys, generally whatever she has in her hand at that exact moment.

[Dudley]

Hi,

I have a 3 year old girl and a 6 month old boy and I offer the following advice!

I really am no expert but I did read a parenting book which I found helpful a few months ago when I found that I was spending alot of time shouting at my daughter which as we all know is soul destroying and counter productive.

And I mean shouting, alot :0(

I definitely agree with:

The key to disapline is consistency and clarity. It needs to be at the time of the insident, not later on if at all possible. Any 'you will not have' threats MUST be followed through- every single time. If you can't or won't follow it through, don't threaten it.

From this comes: pick your battles. This really means if you do not have a threat that you cannot follow through on then don't make one.

At least then you have not made a threat which you have not followed through on which is worse than just letting the bad behavior go.

Within reason of course.

Second, then is pick threats which you can follow through on. So if you are getting ready to leave the house to go to park (etc), and you know you have to go to the park or the house will be pulled apart, and your son is not putting his coat on, don't threaten, 'We are not going to the park if you don't put your coat on!'

Because you know you want to go to the park as well as your son!!

I sometimes now set up little 'threats' at the beginning of the day. So start really small.

Maybe it is easier for a girl. For example, I give my daughter a bracelet to put on so that later I can use 'taking the bracelet' as a threat. (Something I can follow through on).

So think if there are small things like this you can set up.

The other thing is to reward good behaviour. If your son tidies up when you ask him to (you will have to help him at first), give loads and loads of praise.

If he does get his coat some morning (maybe with a little help) loads and loads of praise for what a 'big helpful boy he is.'

Finally, and this should come first is; try to spend some one and one time with him just playing. 20 mins. I know this is really, really hard with a baby. Maybe impossible, but it can improve behaviour.

Also I agree that if you can give him some play time in a nursery do.

If you are a SAHM I really think Magic Moments opposite the Horniman is good for this. 9:45 - 12:15 every day except Wednesday. There are no minimum days, no wait list, and it ?10 a day. It is not too long for the kids either.

I saw this article and thought; yup we have all been here>

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/11/the-best-parenting-advice-i-ever-got/

Good luck!

[Lochie]

Thanks so much for the advice it is so so useful. I think I just needed reminding.

My son is at nursery 2 full days a week I would happily put him in a third but it's too expensive. With having a new baby I think I've tolerated a lot of bad behaviour just to get through the day, as snowboarder said, I picked my battles, but picked less and less of them as baby 2 has got more mobile and needy. This hasn't paid off though! To pick up the slack I overnight became tolerant of nothing and turned into 'shouty mum' which I hate. so i need to readress the balance.

I showed this thread to husband last night it's really useful and we both agreed consistency is key.

[oimissus]

I only have one and quite often I wish we could go for a 3rd day at nursery! Roll on when she gets her free 15 hours (which won't actually be free but should make a 3rd day affordable)!

[Otta]

I think snowborder has hit the nail on the head. Choose your battles!

I would have given him some sweets in the car just to give myself less stress.

[gillandjoe]

I think picking your battles is the most important thing. The worst thing is if your voice becomes nagging background noise to your child. I think you should only pull them up on necessary things and then you make sure your child does not ignore you. I think you should avoid using a pleading voice because a child immediately recognizes weakness in that voice. Be firm and believe yourself when you say it. It works in classrooms for me but my baby isn't a toddler yet and i have to say I'm bloody dreading it. Good luck!

[mich]

Maybe to try and keep him on board whilst driving you could tell him you don't remember the way home and could he tell you which way you need to go. This used to work wonders when me and my daughter used to go for walks and she would start getting ratty on the way home. When we got to the front door I would give her lots of praise saying thank you so much for helping mummy get home, I would have got lost if you wasn't with me. Her face would light up and she would be so pleased with herself.

I'm also a fan of dealing with the incident as and when it happens, I think it's unfair to wait until you get home to tell them off about something that happened earlier on in the day. We deal with it there and then and then don't bring it up again.

Good luck!!