How to handle 2 yr old constantly hitting, pushing...

[akc74]

I know this is very common but is it just a phase that I have to ride out, or can I manage it better?!

My 2.3 year old boy (largely due to arrival of sibling 3 months ago I believe) has started hitting and lashing out at both his friends, and strangers at playgroups. He has been hitting his little brother too, although I had thought that had started to improve.

I try to ensure he gets plenty of attention as I know how unsettling a new sibling can be. When he does it I try to be consistent with my response. Tell him clearly and calmly (increasingly I have been getting pretty cross lately though) that this is not acceptable etc. I have also been putting him on the step, if we are at home or at someone else's house.

He goes to nursery 2 mornings a week and I was told this morning he is really good and they haven't witnessed this issue - though it then happened right there in front of us, just as I was being told how good he is.

Any tips welcome or if anyone remembers any previous threads on the topic that would be useful. It's getting to the stage where I slightly dread going out, but I crave the adult company on playdates and don't want to become a hermit!

[SarahG]

Chances are, you'll be baring the brunt of it as its purely to get your attention. Hense why it doesn't happen at nursery.

Fail safe method would be to stop paying attention to it. When it happens, say nothing- there's no point as he already knows its wrong, talking to him at this point is simply feeding the behaviour. Either sit him down where he is, or out of the room- which ever is more effective. If you move him make sure it is no form of cuddle, don't make eye contact and ignore anything he does.

Leave him a little time with no attention whatsoever, pile the attention on the 'victim'- go full on with cuddles and kisses etc. If he sits happily away then leave him longer but if he gets upset then less time, though not immediately upon his upset otherwise he'll learn to 'get upset' to get his way!!

When you go over to him, tell him to stand up- this puts you in control of the situation, reiterate that hitting/kicking etc is wrong in a clear voice with not too much chat- simple language. Get him to say sorry to whoever it was then get playing as before, making sure lots of praise is given for generally good playing, make sure it's all over and you've moved on.

He will soon learn that it gets him nowhere, key element is lack of response from you- that's the motivation so make sure he doesn't achieve it! :-)

Sarah x

[Trish]

If it makes you feel any better my nearly 2 year old is doing the same thing. He has an older sibling so doesn't know any different, so isn't necessarily an attention seeking thing - I think my little one gets over excited or is just trying the behaviour out to see what reaction it gets.

Nursery (he's full time) are using time out (for one minute). So I'm trying to do the same at home as a last resort. Other than that if he starts getting rough/over excited then we gently hold his hands and say in a soft voice 'gentle hands' and use his hands to stroke your face - or whatever it is he's been getting rough with. He seems to quite like this and smiles and replicates the behaviour himself.

I'm sure I remember going through this phase with my daughter too - I am hoping it's just something he'll grow out of.

Best of luck.

[jennyh]

I will watch this with interest. Mine is 19 months and started the occasional hit and slap about 6 months ago, just on and off but generally was very sensitive, flinched a lot around older and more boisterous children, hit behind my legs etc. She then got worse at home about a month ago and was throwing everything, hitting and slapping when in reach of me or her dad, would laugh and smile afterwards. I was very upset yesterday to learn at nursery she had kicked another toddler off the slide as she was in her way, and had been shrieking and hitting at every chance. previously she hadn't been doing this at nursery (she goes 3 days a week).

I personally feel (mother's instinct, nothing more) that she is frustrated about not having immediate gratification, frustrated about not being properly understood (she is an excellent communicator but still has the odd word I dont get!) and is also simply testing what she can get away with. I am upset by it because she has always been praised by everyone for being sweet natured and thoughtful, I know it is a phase but its a bloomin trying one!

So - as before really, I am working with the nursery to try and keep it in check. They remove her from playing and sit with her to the side for 1 minute, if she then says sorry she can play again. At home I have been putting her down on her own and leaving her whilst telling her she must say sorry. She is good at saying sorry but then does it again, often immediately after. She laughs and smiles. I think she knows she is wrong but I think I need to keep instilling this as she seems quite a bit younger than those who have turned 2, I think her comprehension is not so strong.

Urgh, its horrid. It comes with such a lot of crying and sobbing and negative feeling. Trying to keep praise for good stuff as suggested. I am with you all on this, really appreciate how you guys feel!

[akc74]

Thank you all so far - interesting, and always reassuring to hear from people with similar issues.

I think he genuinely does just get frustrated - it is usually prompted by someone getting in his space, or taking one of his toys etc but i also can see that it is attention-seeking. I may try to continue doing what I'm doing (time out on the step) but only as a last resort as you don't want to feel like you're CONSTANTLY telling off. Plus if I follow Sarah's advice and make less of a fuss and don't talk too much about it, I can see how that may help too.

[SarahG]

The key element is the understanding- as a 2.3 year old I would very much expect him to know the rights and wrongs of such behaviour, as you the parent have told him many times. The fact that he continues to do it with that knowledge indicates that he's getting something out of it. Most commonly that is attention even if it occurs due to frustration also. But a younger child who does not yet have the understanding needs a clear 'no pushing' in a firm voice each time until its clear they understand. Still be very wary of too much chat, all that does is feed the behaviour.

If its clearly coming when someone takes a toy etc, try and shadow his playing more closely when he's playing with others so you can intervene on his behalf before he has a chance to get in first, you will then be able to model appropriate behaviour for him, phrases such as 'no thank you, my turn' or 'excuse me'.

Also when you play with him try and make sure you play a little more like another child- not taking his toys, but if he tries to take yours saying 'no thank you, my turn', once again so he can easily see the desired behaviour. It's often too easy when playing with a child just to pass over any toys you have to them if they want them!! But remember, frustration is a reason for the behaviour, not an excuse. You still need to be clear that the pushing is not ok. If you give him a minute out make sure you say to him when you go and get him (not before, but after) that you understand its difficult when other children do XYZ, but he still can't push, then remind him how he could have delt with it differently.

You will tend to find that initially he will play better with you, copying the phrases such as 'no thank you ' and 'excuse me', but it will take a lot longer to happen with other children- its because he will be able to make the distinction that an adult will respond better to politeness but other children respond better to pushes/snatches etc! Don't worry though, he'll get there!!

But still, I will reiterate, keep it simple! Not because children are stupid, because they definitly aren't! But because if they know they shouldn't be doing it you'll be feeding it and encouraging it if they feel they are gaining (any sort of ) attention like a chat with you, or being held, eye contact etc. Especially if you are breaking away from a conversation with another adult or child to deal with them

I don't want to sound too preachy! But as a nanny and child carer of many years I have seen this behaviour more times than you imagine! It's generally easy to combat but often due to embarrassment and/or frustration of the parent/carer as well as the concern that the child may not understand, it tends to linger far longer than it needs to.

Sarah x