Is it me or does it all seem pointless?

[nonpretentious]

Don't get me wrong, I see a lot of good stuff and beauty around me. I am fabulously blessed to have two fantastic beautiful children, friends, a house and a job.

However, I've got to confess that as I'm working two sometimes three jobs just to provide the basics (I'm not entitled to help as I earn too much - imagined how I laughed!), as I often go without basics just so my children can eat, as I can't sleep through worrying about where money for bills is going to come from, as I'm just lurching from payday to payday with the help of The Money Shop, as I can't even sell up and and move to a cheaper area because my credit rating is f***ed (mortgage advisor still laughing)...

Just wondering, is it just me, or does it all seem pointless sometimes?

Before you all call the police, I'm just wondering out loud. Want to start an open honest discussion between real people in ED. My children are loved, cared for and excelling in school. They have no idea what goes through my head. I would never ever do anything to cause them grief.

So, that cleared, am I alone?... Does it all seem pointless at times???

[KidKruger]

Hopefully not entirely pointless because you have two fantastic beautiful children and feel blessed by it, and friends.

The remaining worries put you (if it makes you feel better) in with most of the world's population.

Except that you don't have to hunt for firewood for an hour and a half before carrying it home in the hope of lighting a fire (I admit I am making an assumption here) before cooking whatever you cobbled together for a morning meal.

There's a tap (another assumption) where water comes out, saving you the journey several kilometres walk away with a 4-gallon tub to obtain the water that'll hopefully keep you all alive another day.

Having said that, the grind can sometimes FEEL pointless and make us forget how lucky we actually are to be living where we are in the time we are, this doesn't fix your question - but most of the world's Fathers would literally cut their arm off to be in your position and give their families what you have done.

[nonpretentious]

Thank you KidKruger, I understand that it is always a matter of perspective. I do know I'm in a more fortunate position than countless others.

Just really reaching out for advice on how to shift this, and if there is anybody else out there really feeling the lone parent financial grind.

[KidKruger]

Also be proud that you're protecting your children from your worries and stresses, many a parent are not able to do that (often through no fault of their own).

If you're having trouble with mortgages (advisors) PM me, I know a guy who I've dealt with for 13 years and trust up and down, you may have the same thing going with your existing advisor but in case he's just someone you dug out of a phone book...

ETA: final note.

[Salsaboy]

I learnt (after a horrible separation from my wife of nearly 20 years, not being spoken to by my 2 children for almost 2 years and a quite serious mental breakdown where I couldn't even get out of my bed for days on end, all connected with the aforementioned) not to worry about things.

You will get by, you will manage, things will work themselves out.

Not what you want to hear when you are worrying but things do get better.

[nonpretentious]

Actually Salsaboy, I do want to hear it. I want to hear how others have turned a similar situation around. I want to hear where I'm going wrong, and what I can do to put it right for my children.

So thank you for your open reply.

[KidKruger]

Jeez that takes some balls to share Salsaboy, I'm glad you're (seem to be) through the worst and hope it carries on that way.

[dulwichgirl2]

Completely agree, KK. I take my hat off to you, Salsaboy, and wish you and the OP well.

[Salsaboy]

It took me a long time to get to a position where I was happy with myself again, nearly 3 years, but it does work out in the end. I was lucky that I have a very supportive and understanding GP who insisted on seeing me at least once a week for over 2 years, and a fantastic group of friends who I knew I could just turn up at their houses and just sit in the kitchen doing nothing.

My relationship with my children is good now that I don't see them so much.

Value your children, they will bring you huge amounts of pleasure and memories.

This all happened from 2007 onwards, to give you an idea of timescale.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

It's worth chatting to your doctor nonp. If it is depression (which it bloody well sounds like), there is no shame. A short term course of anti-depressants, and counselling is really useful.

In the meantime, counting your blessings each day, while trite, does remind you about what's important and helps the sanity.

[nonpretentious]

Salsaboy, you are indeed a brave, upfront and honest individual. Thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal part of your life. I guess the message is to for me to stop being a wimp and realising that 'this too shall pass.'

I love my children to absolute distraction, and if not for them would have given up long ago. So I really do value them.

Another thing I get from you Salsaboy, is that sharing is good. My friends and colleagues only know the tip of the iceberg because that is all my pride will allow.

Appreciate all advice, but don't want to go down the doctors and drugs route.

[Salsaboy]

A lot of my problems were caused by stress which then turned into quite serious depression. Been on anti-depressants since about 2006 and bloody hell they work wonderfully!

As PGC says, count your blessings every day and most of all, don't worry! It really does work. My partner (of 3 years now) says I am the most relaxed person she has ever known and that nothing worries or fazes me.

Nonp, if you want to talk, PM me.

[woodrot]

its not pointless. It can be tough but try to hang in there.spill your guts on here if you need an outlet.

[LadyDeliah]

I have been broke bringing up my kids for over a decade, but I learned to survive quite well with very little money. I cycle everywhere to save money and keep myself fit, I buy almost all of my clothes from charity shops, including suits that look as good as anyone else's I meet professionally.

I don't let myself get caught up in the consumer tidal wave that sometimes seems to overwhelm our society and get many things I need from nice people on Freecycle (I also put any stuff on there I don't need any more too).

When it comes to the bills, I turn lights off when I leave a room. I put an extra jumper or quilt on if it's cold. If I do need the heating we have a one hour switch which we put on and the massive amount of insulation in my loft keeps the place warm for hours after the one hour runs out.

I also have a housemate who lives in my front room to help share household costs so my bedroom is a bit like a student bedsit!

I also grow some fruit and veg plus keep my own chickens for their eggs - in a small terrace garden.

I have managed to save up money to start my own business and after only taking ?500 per month out of my business to live on since I started a year and a half ago, I am proud to say that my business is growing steadily in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression and I am still poor, but happy.

Sometimes when things get to breaking point, we need to rethink how we do things. Many people may have to do that in the face of rising costs of living and falling or stagnant wages. Things that seemed important previously, will seem frivolous when money gets tight and we adjust our priorities.

[DJKillaQueen]

Hi nonpretentious, I too have battled with depression, all my life really, most time managing it very well but on occasion it has swallowed me up. When that happens, as salsboy says, it takes time to sort out, and the help of a brilliant GP is crucial (I have had the same one for 20 years) as well as the support and understanding of great friends and family....and those people are not easy to find. That's why those of us that do suffer from depression need some balls to be open about it, in a country where people can be very cruel.

Stress is a factor that most definitely can lead to depression and the thoughts and feelings you are having are a normal reaction to your circumstances. Your life feels like a daily grind and I don't think it's helpful for anyone to say things like 'most of the people in the world are poorer' etc. Everything is relative and we are where we find ourselves in life.

LadyDs advice is very good advice. Rent aside, it is suprising how cheaply one can live in London. If you are struggling to feed your family, there are some food charities that you can be referred to who are there to help people exactly like yourself (they provide a weekly box of non perishable foods). Let me know if you would like some help with that.

And it is important to find something to bring some fun into your life, even if it's only an hour a week, doing something YOU enjoy for YOU. It sounds as though you have barely time to think at the moment but it is important to find some time for yourself.

Believe me, there are many people struggling as you are and feeling very isolated. It might be worth having someone look at your finances and stuff who can offer advice on any positive changes that can be made (including support with food etc). Involvement with a local community centre or tenants group can also be a centre of advice, support and help too.

[nonpretentious]

Thank you all for the advice. LadyD and DJKQ, I live as frugally as I can as I said sometimes I dont eat so that my children can. The last time I bought new clothes was a year ago from a charity shop for an interview.

I think it is the feeling of isolation that is sometimes so completely overwhelming. Outwardly, I'm fine and chirpy - all parents have to be for their children - but I do feel trapped by the very thing we are encouraged to aspire to - home ownership. I have sought advice from the CAB and a mortgage advisor and get the same answer...I own my home therefore am not entitled to help. If I give up my home, I won't be rehoused by the council as I will have intentionally made myself homeless. Besides, where would the children sleep in the meantime? I wanted to sell up and move to somewhere cheaper, but still need a small mortgage and can't get one because of my credit rating. Interest rates, mortgage and domestic bills are crippling.

I know another 10 million people are in exactly in the same position, which is why I wanted to hear how others have come through.

I'm very interested in the food charity you mentioned, so will be seeking more info on that. It is encouraging that there are lovely people in ED willing to share experiences, advice and encouragement. Thank you.

[EPB]

Do you by any chance have a spare room that you could let?

If the children each have their own bedroom at the moment, I'm sure they wouldn't mind bunking up together to release a space that could generate some useful extra (tax-free) income.

[Huguenot]

That's a sad story, I sincerely hope you find a way of working through with it. It seems the isolation is a bit of a killer - how about local social organised sports that don't entail pay for stuff? Running or soccer and so on.

On a practical note, I'm suprised that the mortage advisor has been unable to help you find a solution to this. If you're holding back on food to pay the motgage you're borderline default - and it's not in the providers interest to let this happen.

Moving outside London to a secure job should entail downsizing your morgage commitments and/or decreasing the LTV ratio - something your current provider should be very interested in given the inherent risk in your current situation.

You shouldn't need a credit check - this is a transfer of your existing mortgage to a new property.

I may want to take someone else's advice in this if I were you?

[womanofdulwich]

I am not sure how it works but my friend managed to sell her flat to a housing association and then rent it back.

It might be this

http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/factsheet/27/Housing-options-for-single-parents

[LadyDeliah]

Another thing I think you might want to consider is getting some kind of treatment from the doctor. Having a long journey to take that seems hard or even impossible can be made easier if you get help for any underlying depression.

Anti-depressants can stop the cycle of worry/stress/frozen inactivity and help you get started on the things you need to do to get where you want to be. They are a very good way of giving you short term relief which helps unfreeze your brain and allows you to see solutions where you may only see problems now.

In your situation I would definitely get a housemate or lodger. You can earn over ?4,000 a year tax free by renting out rooms in your house. I would put up with temporary overcrowding if I had to, just to ease the pressure. I think space has become a luxury in London and most people I know are unable to pay for their housing costs alone.

When you have eased the short term problems and managed to get yourself onto some kind of stable path, you might want to look at what you are doing for work. If you have three jobs, I would imagine you could benefit from some form of skilling up or change in your skills. If the value per hour of your work is very low, it makes moving forward in your life very difficult. Most people barely manage to keep afloat on minimum wage levels. That could be something you address in the future after your immediate issues have been stabilised.

First step though, as said above, is get to your gp and ask for help.

Good luck xx

[TillieTrotter]

Keep your chin up NP, get the girls round for the odd night of vino and whinging and try to look forward. Things do have a habit of working out.

Lots of love and strength to you. xx

[DJKillaQueen]

I think Huguenot offers some good advice. Renting a room might be a short term solution if it's possible to do so. But the other points he makes, make good sense to me, so maybe you should speak to another mortgage advisor. It sounds as though you are in danger of defaulting on your mortgage and potentially losing your home unless you can find a solution.

I wholeheartedly agree with LadyD's post. Getting back onto a stable path where you feel back in control can only happen a step at a time and any help you can get with that is worth considering. As well as helping with depression and stress related problems, your GP can refer you to other agencies that can help with some of the practical problems.

One local food charity is Pecan

http://www.pecan.org.uk/our-projects/foodbank

Don't be offput either by church group involvement. The staff are well trained in the advice they offer and your GP can refer you to them.

[Cassius]

If you don't want to visit the doctor for anti-depressants and I fully understand your desire to avoid that, make sure that you are eating properly - I know you said that you were denying yourself for your children but tbh if you get ill you cannot help them. Make sure you get some fresh air and gentle exercise. Sorry if I sound patronising but like others I have been down there and it is not nice. Good luck.

[edcam]

nonpretentious Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>I guess the message is to for me to stop being a wimp and

> realising that 'this too shall pass.'

Having a tough time (for completely understandable reasons) most certainly does NOT make you a wimp. It's obvious you're far from it. I wish you all the very best.

[steveo]

Rent the house out and go somewhere nice