marriage break up advice

[filmmaker]

Hello

I am desperately in need of advice and don't know where else to turn. My husband and I have fallen out of love with each other, I would love to move out and get on with my life but too afraid to take the step. I know my husband is unhappy but reluctant to make a decision. We have a child, who is beginning to sense there is something not quite right at home and I don't want my child raised in this atmosphere but not sure what the effect would be if we left and he no longer saw his dad everyday.

Then the problem of finding somewhere affordable to live. I cannot afford move out but that can't be a reason for staying. I have no idea where to go to find help with housing, moving on but more importantly ensuring my son is fine.

Its been about 4 - 5 years of feeling miserable, I suspect for my husband its been longer. I don't see my friends any more as its getting increasingly difficult to pretend. I am losing the sense of who I am and feeling so alone.

If anyone can offer any words of wisdom that would be hugely appreciated.

[mynamehere]

After 4-5 years you must have considered moving "home" until you get back on your feet maybe in a new place and new job? Get on the social housing ladder? Move somewhere MUCH cheaper than London and just try something completely new? Split and sell here (if that's an option). Sisters / brothers willing / able to share for as short a time as possible? Sit and look at a map: cheap and cheerful and an adventure near a school. What's the least you need to cover costs? Sit in a library where it's anonymous and quiet with a pencil and clean paper and a map and dream.

[Convex]

As a first step is there one of your friends you could confide in? I'm sure they don't expect you to pretend, and will be a willing support.

[Coach Beth]

I suggest you contact Relate and get some couples counselling. It sounds like you and your husband need to work out together how to break up in the best and most positive way for both of you. Having a third person facilitate you to do this can be invaluable. There may be a waiting list for Relate and if that is the case, you might try a local couples therapist/counsellor. Roz Pendlebury is a well respected therapist who works with couples. http://rozpendlebury.com/home.html With support, I'm sure you can work out a way to move on and be happy again.

[Huggers]

Filmmaker you sound very low and possibly depressed. Could you possibly have suffered some post natal depression on top of everything else?

Would you definitely have to be the one to leave the home? Could you discuss a trial seperation and stay with your child in the family home?

Counselling could be good and as others have suggested,and Relate if you think you can salvage your relationship. Counselling would be good to help you be more confident in making decisions and seeing a way forward. Could you go to your GP and get a referral - you could go private and pay. hope that helps and good luck.

[filmmaker]

Thank you guys for all your comments. my son is older & at secondary school so I don't think its PND. I have suggested relate but Husband not interested. A couple of years ago I went through a depression but I am no longer depressed. I think I have already made the decision to break up, but its how to do it. Although my husband was not interested in counselling to save the relationship he might consider using a counsellor to break up.

The problem is we don't talk, we are rarely in the same room at the same time. Thanks for all the advice. I will consider using relate on how to break up.

[bluesuperted]

Hi filmmaker, so sorry you're having such an upsetting time. I don't have any experience of being in an unhappy marriage but I do have divorced parents. I just wanted to say, and I don't want to make you feel worse, that my parents separated when I was 8 and then got back together before finally separating when I was 11. And I definitely knew things were not right or happy. I remember being acutely aware to the extent that when they called us downstairs to finally tell us, I pretended I didn't hear them as I wanted to live in denial a little longer. So the sooner it can be out in the open the better for your child (and you) IMHO. On a very positive note, apart from the odd gripes my parents get on really well now and have been very involved, loving grandparents (even sometimes doing things together) for my son so they've really handled it in a great way over all.

All the best with your difficult decisions and take care.

[zeban]

mynamehere, maybe London is 'home'. And if her son is in secondary school she probably won't want to uproot him out of it especially through a time of change like this. And there's no such thing as a social housing 'ladder', you don't move up in social housing. You can put your name down on the council wait list-you have to have connections with the borough you're putting your name down at- but unless you're a priority you'll likely wait 20 plus years (in London). I'm not saying it's not worth getting some advice about it, it's not a quick solution because even if you tell the council you are homeless the option will be a hostel until/if something comes up. Renting privately and getting housing benefit however, is not at all impossible and filmaker may be able to claim some benefits that will help see her through, however..

filmaker, whilst it must be unbearable to be living there, I wouldn't suggest being hasty about moving out permanently as you've both built the house together and it should be split fairly in your break up. Perhaps go and stay at a family members or friends house for now, with your son if that's possible?- you need support so confide in someone. I'm sure you'll feel a great sense of relief when you can be honest, even if it's just with one person. Tell or even write to your husband how you feel and the idea about relate and if he's happy to go along with it then it sounds like a really good plan to get some professional help in helping you both to split in the best way possible. Also, speak to relate asap and see what they suggest themselves. I'm sure they have a help line or could find you another professional body for you to talk to if their services have a wait list. Worry about where you will live permanently after you've got everything in the open and have started the proceedings to end things properly between you. It may even make the atmosphere better in the house if you can both admit that you want to move on.

[mynamehere]

after reading the rest of you: you are all much righter than me, much better advice. I shot from the hip... what I wrote would have been much more nuanced in person and would have covered your points in a wide ranging conversation starting with the real person and her needs and situation. I really meant to give a virtual bear hug

[ontheedge]

I thought you had twins filmmaker!