Help please - hitting 2 year old

[poppy]

I would be so grateful for any advice anyone might have on how I can deal with my son's occasional hitting. He is 2 and a half and for the past six months or so, every so often, he hits other children. It's actually mainly one particular child who, bless him, never hits back. My son doesn't seem to hit out of malice - it's mostly over-exuberance whilst playing and sometimes, to a lesser degree, frustration (e.g. someone taking a toy from him).

Today he hit this child with a stick in the park (they were both running around waving sticks) and apparently it was really quite hard, unprovoked, and left a mark. My friend (his mother) was understandably really upset and now I feel just AWFUL.

The way I currently deal with it is to tell him off and put him into immediate time out if I see it happen. We also have a chat on the way to every playdate about what it means to play nicely (my son now chants like a mantra "no hitting, no pushing, taking turns and sharing toys") and he has until recently had a sticker chart for getting through playdates without hitting or pushing. We haven't bothered with the stickers recently as most playdates are actually fine. I also try to pre-empt situations which I think might lead to hitting, for example had I seen the incident today I would have taken the sticks away. I'm also quite strict about what he watches on TV so he doesn't watch aggressive cartoons or anything like that.

I find it absolutely mortifying but am struggling to think what else I can do. I'm also about to have a baby so now I'm a bit panicked that it might get worse once the baby's on the scene. I would be so grateful for any tips anyone has - thanks!

[Fuschia]

It's so normal

I think probably your friend is just a bit sensitive

I don't think I would be particularly upset at minor fisticuffs between 2 year olds, though I suppose if you have a particularly gentle child it might be hard to be philosophical

You're doing all the right things

To be honest, if two preschoolers are running around with sticks, someone will get hit!

[dulwichgirl2]

Errr not how I see it at all Fuschia. I think the OP has the correct attitude and she is to be commended for taking responsibility for it.

I am afraid I have no good ideas though. I might ask the other child's mother what she thinks you could have done. I am slightly surprised that she let her son get into this game with sticks and a child who has hit her son before, but that is up to her.

[Belle]

Agree with F completely. I know you feel bad but really 2.5 is still pretty young, and when they are running around like that, someone always takes it a step further. I wouldn't let the other mum (i know she's your friend) make you feel too bad about it. I used to get so over anxious about this but then realised there were plenty times when the boot was on the other foot and I barely batted an eyelid, far less felt upset or cross with the other child or his mother. I think it's different when they're my son's age (3.5) as they do know what they're doing a bit more by then.

also agree you're doing everything you can. Sounds really positive tha playdates go well - I always foudn these to be danger zones, still can be - so perhaps lots of praise for those and any amicable behaviour? so maybe bring back the stickers as a sign of how well he's doing with those?

[Belle]

i think people can be too precious about this kind of thing. of course it should be addressed but I can hardly think of any incidents where i've been upset by the way my child was treated by a peer. Older children, yes (including one who scratched him till he bled - eek!). As F says, normal rough and tumble...it happens. If the other child is really sensitive then maybe have a break from playing together for a bit.

[dulwichgirl2]

Belle, that is plain nasty, what a sadistic child. :-(

[sillywoman]

I don't know if this advice is current, but when mine were little the recommendation for dealing with bad behaviour of any kind, but especially involving a 3rd party, was to punish by withdrawal.

So for example, your little one hits another child. You swiftly move in & remove your child using a very few key words; "no" "that's not acceptable" or whatever. Place your child safely out of the way - maybe in his pushchair - but somewhere very much on the sidelines. Now you return to the injured child and make a big fuss of him/her. This usually involves lots of apologies to the childs Mum etc.etc. Anyway the key thing is that your boy sees he doesn't get attention from his action, the other child does. After this its up to you, some recommend immediately leaving the park/playgroup or whatever, or you can stay and do a 'two strikes and we're out' system to see if it happens again - I'd go for that one I think because he is very young.

Personally I do think 2 is very little and I wouldn't worry too much as the others have said, but I also think it's right to nip this in the bud before it becomes something he does to get your attention.

[Fuschia]

Dg2, I think you are misunderstanding me

I was saying that if my child was hit by a 2 year old, I wouldn't see the need to make a big thing of it with the other parent

The OP is doing all the right things, the behaviour is very common at that aged, and I don't think she should feel too bad about it.

[Fuschia]

Sw, that's good advice. Having twins, I have had a lot of opportunity to try all that stuff out as they have gone through various fighting, biting, gouging and wrestling stages! Luckily they seem to reserve the worst of it for each other (though the girl twin is prone to walloping anyone who is mean to her brother, which can be embarrassing)

[Belle]

yes DG2 it was weird - she was actually trying to hug him but he was resisting and it kind of turned nasty - i wasn't far away but not much I could have done to prevent it as it was so quick. The annoying thing was her granny then bought her an ice cream! er...rewarding bad behaviour, much?!

[poppy]

Many thanks all for taking the time to reply, and for your helpful suggestions and reassuring words! I really appreciate it.

DG2, yes I did ask my friend what she would have done - she had no new ideas really, hence my post here.

Sillywoman, that is really helpful advice, thank-you. Not dissimilar to what I meant by putting him in immediate time-out but lavishing lots of attention and sympathy on the other child and withdrawing my attention from my son I am sure could be a useful extra step.

Belle, yes we will definitely be reintroducing the sticker chart!

[Ju*Ni]

As a childcare professional who has worked with hundreds of two year olds, I can tell you: Two year olds are just at the beginning of becoming social beings. It's a long learning process and it is totally normal that children express themselves through hitting or snatching or scratching and so on. Younger children are completely focused on developing themselves and their own skills. Around the age of 2.5 years children reach a stage stage where they realise that there are other people as well. Now they want to engage and play with the others, but they haven't learned yet how this works. You describe it very well: your son didn't want to hit the other child, he justed wanted to express his excitement. He is probably just as frustrated at the moment as you are. So no need for punishments or rewards. It's as if someone would punish you for pronouncing a Chinese word wrong - punishment doesn't make you any better: what helps you to get better is if someone pronounces it for you.

What your son needs at the moment are adults who model for him how people interact with each other kindly. So, for a while, observe your child closely in social situations and if you see he is about to snatch a toy or hit another child, try to catch his hand before he hits and model what he could say instead, for example "I like your toy. I want to play with you" or "Can I have a go when you are finished?" At home exaggerate a bit when you talk to your partner or friends: say lots of 'Please, may I have' and 'Thank you for sharing this with me' and similar. When someone is hurting or not feeling well, model how to make this person feel better. This can be a glas of water, getting a flower from the garden or drawing a picture. Do something your son can do as well, so he learns how joyful it is to look after others. If he has hurt another child, help him to make the other child feel better instead of saying sorry. It's a very special time in the development of your son and he will take all this in and it will become part of his personality. Social skills are closely connected to language skills: talk to and with your child, read books together. There are lots of nice books for young children about not hitting and about the fact that others have feelings as well, something that young children don't realise inititally and have to learn. The aim is for your son to learn to express his anger or excitement through words rather than actions. So langugae development and social skills are closely connected.

It is a challenge and it will take a while, but if you see it as a developmental stage in your son's life which you can influence just as you make sure you do the best for him in other areas, it can be a satisfying experience.

This is one of the best articles I've found on this matter: http://www.stressfreekids.com/10190/kids-biting-and-hittin

[dulwichgirl2]

Juni, that is fascinating, thank you from me at least.

Poppy, by the way I think you are v right to limit the crazy films etc. When I go to a movie with a lot of violence it seems to normalise it to my adult mind so goodness knows what it does to a more impressionable brain. Of course, in a previous era, the hitting child would have been errr hit by the parent. How misled was that approach?!

Belle, ridiculous! Even if having hugs rejected had been upsetting, the older child must be on some trajectory of emotional control and processing and cannot be allowed to lash out. Why on earth did she buy the ice cream?! The other aspect that concerns me about that story is that it wasn' just one angry hurt smack which would be poor behaviour; it was repeated and maybe calm and this is where I find it moves into real nastiness, I am afraid.

Fuschia, sorry if I misunderstood.

[dulwichgirl2]

Does anyone else find their phone changing sentences to rubbish?!

[KikiMac]

All sounds like good advice, and obviously, we (most of us!) try all we can to stop our kids doing this to others. But I do think your friend needs a bit of a reality check. Having recently been on both sides of two biting incidents (once when my 2 yr old was bitten and once when he did the biting) i can confirm that it is 100 times worse being the parent of the perpetrator than than the victim!

[Saila]

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[poppy]

Thanks again for more helpful posts! Very reassuring and comforting to hear we're not alone, and that it does pass. I was starting to feel I had a junior psychopath on my hands!

Juni, thanks for your post and the link - very interesting food for thought and useful to consider a different approach. I do think frustration plays a huge part in this type of behaviour so will be concentrating on developing language needed to express it, as well as more appropriate behaviour.

Thank goodness for this wonderful forum!

[susyp]

My daughter did this and it was awful. Nothing I did worked. She was slightly better when she started nursery school aged 3 and 2 months and then even with a couple of biting incidents, by Christmas she was so much better and now is completely brilliant (at 4 and 2 months).

She did bite a child at a BBQ she was with me at late last september and I was so angry I took her home and put her to bed, no telling off or anything, I was too angry to even speak to her (having been called in by the teacher about the biting incidents I just had had enough!!!). Froom that time on she stopped being violent. I am sure it is not just what I did, and no doubt largely the teacher, but if I were to do the 2s again I would definitely just remove her from whatever situation immediately and take her home. I did used to give her timeout but then return to the fun activity. I don't think, in retrospect, that that was enough. Missing out entirely on something because you have hit or bitten or whatever is a pretty strong message.

Equally I also think that she was frustrated and loves school so the stimulation that provided may have been as much t od with the change of behaviour as getting older/discipline approaches.

Susypx