Recommend me a book about bringing up boys...

[Jo'sEnglish]

I am Mum to a beautiful nine-month old baby boy. When I was pregnant (and didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl) I remember thinking I wouldn't know what to do with a boy! Of course, now only having known having a baby boy it feels completely normal but I think at this age there isn't much distinction between the genders. I am conscious of being prepared when it does become more relevant though.

The other factor it doesn't appear that he is going to be like my husband and I as children very much! So much so that people regularly ask (jokingly of course!) if we are sure he is ours! Whereas we were both shy, quiet, sensitive, self-conscious children who liked to read books and play with lego, he is loud, very active and always seeking to be the centre of attention! I feel like he is going to be a very 'boyish' boy, if you know what I mean. I saw my parents struggle a lot with my brother growing up and would like to get off to the best possible start with my little fella I think!

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone could recommend any reading matter for me to be chewing over. I've heard 'Raising Cain' recommended before, is this the best book to get do you think? Or are their others anyone could suggest?

Or should I just not worry about this yet?!? In which case, at what age do I need to start thinking about it?

Thanks, Jo

[womanofdulwich]

Angela phillips The trouble with boys. Definitely dont worry.but they are different so forewarned is forearmed. Steve biddulph too.

[espelli]

I had the same thoughts in pregnancy too and also had a boy! I haven't read Raising Cain, so I can't comment on it, but I have read 21st Century Boys Which I can recommend, it has relevance for your baby at the age he is now and also deals with issues he may face as he gets older.

[Norfolkvillas]

I second the recommendation of Steve Biddulph Raising Boys. My husband and I both found it an interesting read, and my husband in particular thought it made a lot of sense.

[hpsaucey]

You could put your name down for the Rosendale Children's Centre 'Raising Boys' course - its fantastic.

H

[cuppa tea]

The problems I have found with books about boys is that they tend to be very generalised and it's not always helpful. I read Steve Biddulph's book, which has some useful points, but it's rather dumbed down. Really you have to look at your own child to find out who they are and what they need. I'm not sure you need to worry about the 'boys' thing yet. You learn more about them as you go along. Saying that, I have 2 very 'boyish' boys and I when I compare it to people who have girlish girls the same age I do realise that parenting in my world is a very different experience!

[Jo'sEnglish]

Thanks for the suggestions so far - keep the coming! I think I might have a look and see what they have in the library before buying anything.

hpsaucey - I couldn't find any info about this course? Although I don't really have time for a course at the moment.

cuppa tea - appreciate what you are saying - and if they are anything like 'parenting' books they will probably annoy me but I read everything so will read them anyway and disregard all the bits I don't like! Just want to get my head around what having a boy means, I feel like I would be much more confidnet with installing my feminist values in a girl!!!

[cuppa tea]

I don't think you need to install feminist values. Treat yourself with respect and treat your children with kindness and that's how they learn to treat other people...whether they are girls or boys. If the dad is affectionate and is seen to do plenty of household jobs then that's going to help immensely! The main thing I have found with boys is their energy level....it's through the roof! Well with mine it is anyway. They need constant exercising and whole body physical stuff and to be able to explore safely.

But yes, you can take the useful bits from the books and ignore the rest.

I have found that growing up with my brother has helped me understand my son's more...though obviously this can't always be arranged!

[Jo'sEnglish]

I was (semi) joking about the feminist values! I just feel more like I know the things I would have liked to have said to me as a girl growing up and how I would have liked to have been treated. I'm not too worried about it really, his dad is a very good role model for how I would like my boy to grow up ;)

I think it is the energy levels, etc I worry about, and about communicating and letting him be open with emotions, etc. And growing up with my brother makes me worry more as he was always a bit of an enigma to us all (lots of hand-wringing and my parents questioning where they had gone wrong when he was a child, which I would like to avoid!)

[Yak]

It's a bit focussed on the discipline side of things, but I really rate this resource from the Boys' Development Project (a local charity who might be involved with the course hpsaucey mentioned)?

Boys under Five

[mima08]

Hiya,

I have a very boyish boy - 16months old and he could model a lot of boy cliches (into cars, trains, very physically active, boisterous - none of our making). I haven't read many books (instead a fair few articles) on the subject but did like the Stephen Biddulph (as you are saying, just ignore the things you don't like). I did come across some research about language and communication skills which boys often struggle with more than girls. This (apparently) can lead to a lot of frustration as boys struggle to express themselves and it gets worse as they get older and become self-conscious (sorry, I am paraphrasing wildly as I cannot seem to find the article), so I am trying to encourage various forms of communication like singing, signing and reading a lot to him. I will try to find the article & post it here!

Lastly, my son has recently started with a childminder, and while she is very lovely and caring (and gives lots of cuddles etc), she is a bit stricter in terms of rules - and he loves it! He seems to be a lot more balanced in himself -I had not realised how much we had let him dictate...

mx

[hpsaucey]

Yep - similar/based on some of his course if I remember rightly.

Running program on at Rosendale CHildren's Centre on a Thursday morning. There's normally a bit of a waiting list. See here for their activities list and contacts:

http://www.rosendale.cc/?page_id=500

Yak Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> It's a bit focussed on the discipline side of

> things, but I really rate this resource from the

> Boys' Development Project (a local charity who

> might be involved with the course hpsaucey

> mentioned)?

>

> Boys under Five

[Jo'sEnglish]

Thanks for posting that link Yak, very interesting and useful, it has been saved on my computer! The course looks good too but my baby is too young for me to go on the waiting list, will remember for the future.

mima08 - thanks for your post, I would love to see the article you mentioned if you can find it. As a language teacher I am very interested in that side of things. Interesting about the rules thing too, being strict probably isn't my husband or I's strong point but we maybe need to consider this as time goes by...

[GCOakley]

You need to make sure you hang out with other families with boys the same age so you can see what the normal boy things are. and get a mum friend or two with a slightly older son so they can tell you not to worry. i'll always be thankful to my friend who told me about the testosterone injection at about 3 when your lovely calm son becomes mr angry for a while.

yes you will do a lot of running around and might have to take up judo so you can wrestle properly and beat him. but it will be a lot of fun.

[Carbonara]

He is 9 months old, and his character may go through numerous switches and changes before he becomes an adult. Don't assume what he will be like, or you will fall into the trap of projecting - and boys suffer enough from being the target of societies and individuals projections. By the time a child is 18m he may well have heard a regular stream of 'ha ha, typical boy' / 'ooh, you've got your hands full - what a terror' / 'boys will be boys' etc etc.

My former 'talk to anyone about everything and fear nothing' toddler is now shy and reserved in less familiar company, and is quiet and self-contained - completely happy but in a different way from what we expected from his toddler years.

[mima08]

Hi Jo, I am sorry, I seem to have lost the article - several computer changes over the last few months mean I cannot find anything! I seem to remember the article was based on some scientific research done in Australia with primary school children, but that is all i remember. sorry!

As for being "strict" - don't get me wrong: we are definitely not very strict. But I do realise as he is now 16months, some rules and boundaries are necessary -for his own happiness, and that includes that he cannot have his way all the time.... (some people would still call me a pushover though, ho hum....)

Very interesting thread!

mx