A general rant about lack of responsibility

[JL Dulwich]

I am so angry and upset, I don't know where to begin. I have just got home from what should have been a nice, treat day - taking my elderly, ill mum into town. At Charing Cross station, a child of about 8 was running from side to side of the platform, then started swinging a balloon weighted with a heavy piece of plastic around wildly. We stood well back of the family and stopped to avoid the running child twice when he suddenly ran in front of my mum and swung his balloon around, causing the hard plastic end (not insignificant in size) to hit my mum in her eye. Mum had a stroke 2 months ago, which has caused blindness in one eye, and the medication she is on causes instant and severe bruising - potentially internal bleeding - when she is injured.

Mum called out in shock and pain, which is the only reason the child's mother turned around. My mum said she'd just been hit in the eye by the lady's son, and all she said in response was a casual, 'oh, sorry' (in a completely indifferent, I don't give a sh*t tone) and carried on. She didn't ask her son to stop messing around or ask him to apologise.

Mum said that wasn't good enough and the lady said, 'i've said sorry, what more do you want? He's just been at a protest, he's excited.' (As if that somehow cancels out his bad behaviour and the mother's lack of supervision?) I explained mum had just had a stroke, was blind in one eye, and her son had injured my mother's good eye. Yet still, the woman didn't seem to understand why we were upset and what we wanted her to do.

I wish I had been able to get across what we wanted:

1. Admonish your child

2. Ask your child to apologise

3. Remove the item that caused the injury until you are in a place where it's safe for your child to play with it

I have a young child myself and, with the best will in the world, sometimes one's attention slips for a minute and they do something they shouldn't. As the adult, I take responsibility for my child's actions. I wasn't expecting - nor did I want - the mother to shout at or embarrass her child, just to tell him not to run on a station platform (it's dangerous for them), to be careful of those around them, and to say sorry when they hurt someone. 1 simple (sincere) sentence would have done it. "Please walk on the platform and please say sorry for hurting the lady." Is that too much to ask?

I don't expect strangers without personal experience to know that 72 year olds who have just had a stroke can have severe reactions to what younger people may consider trivial. I don't expect that mother to realise that in the 1 minute it took us to get from the platform down to the escalators, my mum's eye had visibly swelled and bruised. I don't expect her to get how shaken such an incident can leave someone. I didn't expect her to notice that my mum was visibly shaking and nearly in tears over the unexpected shock and pain of it. But I did expect some courtesy, some basic manners and just a little bit of imagination (i.e. putting herself in my mum's shoes).

I don't know what I want from posting this here...I suppose just to vent. And to ask all parents to please be aware - and teach your kids to be aware - of their surroundings (i.e. recognise where it is safe to run or swing toys around) and to do the right thing: say sorry when you hurt someone.

[Ginster]

I hear you - unfortunately happens way too often and seemingly more than it used to. I'm often wishing a parent would do more/step up and supervise or chastise their child. I even have my kids point things out or comment that someone has left litter. If I can teach mine these things I wish everyone else could be mindful. I have also had to get a parents attention when their child has hurt themselves!

No problem with having a rant, I really hope your Mum is doing ok - truly horrible for her and you and I'm saddened the parent didn't even seem to notice let alone care!!

[JL Dulwich]

Thanks, Ginster; I really appreciate your response.

[nina_maniana]

I don?t know if this will help but a bit of perspective may make you feel a bit more calm about situations. As the parent of a child (albeit a much younger one than who you have mentioned) who regularly behaves appallingly in public despite all of my best attempts to raise him into a decent human being...

You just don?t know. The kid could be autistic. He could have a brain tumour and be terminally ill so his mum is going easy on him. Maybe she?d spent all day yelling at him and didn?t have the strength to shout any more. Maybe she didn?t realise how heavy the balloon weights are (i was hit in the face by one by my aforementioned child and got a black eye, it hurt like hell). Maybe she had a parent who was dying and was distracted. Maybe her relationship is breaking down.

Of course maybe they were just awful people. They exist too.

It just strikes me that every generation wants to think the world is going to hell in a handcart and the younger generation have no respect etc etc. But if you look at things through others? eyes you may see there are angles you hadn?t considered.

Hope your mum is ok.

[nina_maniana]

Ps: 72 is not elderly, all the 72 year olds i know would consider themselves middle aged :-)

[seenbeen]

I quite understand where you are coming from JL Dulwich. I was in a supermarket and suddenly a trolley was rammed into my back. The child who looked about 5 was looking as if he was going to do it again and I said to him 'stop that, go away'. The 'mother' suddenly appeared with another woman and they both started swearing at ME in front of the child for telling a 3 year old to 'go away'. I could not help but ask them why they thought it OK to use foul language in front of a 3 year old which really set them off!.

I'm afraid there is a hard core of parents out there who think the sun shines out of their child's backside....either that or they are too lazy to do the right thing

[Pugwash]

As a mother of 3 girls and 8 grandchildren ranging from 3 to 25 I am aware that kids do play up especially in public. The temper tantrum in the supermarket makes you feel useless and embarrassed as to what other shoppers think of your parenting skills. I have a fear of falling onto tracks and whenever I am at stations I stand well back until the train/tube arrives. Consequently neither of my kids or grandchildren are allowed to run about on platforms not only for their own safety but the safety of others. JL's comments that the child was running about the platform apparently unsupervised does somewhat question the parents awareness of the situation. Yes the child may have an unseen disability, but having worked with disabled kids -they too need a level of discipline and taught to apologise if they mistakenly hurt someone.

All kids get excited and I have found that a few minutes of sitting/standing still can take the edge of their behaviour. I would have certainly insisted that my child apologised to the lady and give them knowledge that their actions can sometimes harm others albeit unintentionally. At 8 years old I would expect a child to have some understanding of 'acceptable behaviour' more so than a 3 year old. Our youngest grandchildren are 5 and 3 and their parents are quite strict as to their behaviour both at home and elsewhere. If either of the kids hurt each other, they are made to apologise immediately.

[JL Dulwich]

Thanks to those who commented and sent kind wishes.

Nina - perspective is not the issue at all. The mother looked to be about my age, so a difference in generational attitudes isn't what I was suggesting. It's irrelevant whether the mother was having a bad day or not - we are all responsible for our own children. If you take your child out, you are responsible for making sure they are safe and letting them know what the correct response to a situation is e.g. point out that a specific behaviour is dangerous, has hurt someone and, therefore, change your behaviour and apologise.

[nina_maniana]

Sorry JL thought it?s be helpful. Whenever a stranger is rude or awful to me it makes me feel better to think they?re probably a good person just having a bad day. But perhaps you?d prefer to stay indignant which is of course your right :-)

By the way i?m not disagreeing with you on what the right course of action would be for a parent in this situation. I bet if you got this mother on any other day she?d agree too. Because most people try to be good parents. Most people do discipline their kids. Most of the time. I just question the value of ?mum shaming? on the internet, where you can always find an example of where someone has behaved in a way they probably wouldn?t if they had their time again or had perceived a situation differently. I can only hope that all my worst parenting moments aren?t picked up on and plastered on the internet. I?m sure you?d feel the same about your errors. We all make mistakes. Or this woman and her kid could have been the spawn of satan, but in general life is just better if we give others the benefit of the doubt. Hard with a black eye i know. But still. Mistakes happen. Your mum got in the way of an overexcited kid, she wasn?t purposefully attacked by thugs. It shouldn?t be worth too much of your mental energy.

[JL Dulwich]

Seriously, Nina?! Thanks so much for highlighting my rights to what you think my feelings are. And "got in the way of..."???? No, that wasn't what happened at all; but I shan't go into it again.

I don't consider the above post mum shaming, though you are, of course, free to view it as you wish.

[Growlybear]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience JL, and very surprised by a couple of the responses. I hope that your mum is OK now - that her eye has healed and she is over the shock.

There really are some truly awful parents around, and it's very unfortunate that you and your mum ran into one. I can't imagine the circumstances where I would ever have let my daughter run round on a train platform, and can't imagine what the woman was thinking. I'm sure the child didn't hurt you mum deliberately, but I would have been mortified if my daughter had ever hurt anyone like that whether accidentally or deliberately, and I would have made sure that she was sanctioned and made to apologise properly for what she had done. It must have been obvious to the mother that your mum was in pain, and to just dismiss what the child had done, and blame it on him being excited at attending the climate change protests, is appalling. Nina Melania's suggestions do seem rather bizarre to me. Whether or not the child was autistic is irrelevant - at the very least the mother should have apologised properly even if she couldn't get the child to do so. I also suspect that it's unlikely that any parent would take a child with a brain tumour or who was terminally ill to a protest, or that they would go to an event like that if a parent was dying. Unfortunately you just got unlucky and came across a selfish, self absorbed woman with a spoilt brat. If attending the protests caused the child to become so over excited, perhaps the mother should consider whether he is old and responsible enough to attend events like that. But at least it's some small comfort that the child's absence from school that day was highly unlikely to have been authorised, and his attendance record will now show that he was absent from school without permission.