Sad little ones...

[susyp]

Sigh, this is not really a call for advice, but I had to "let it out". Tired and neurotic mum alert!!!

I've just spent an hour with my daughter crying in her bed (she is normally asleep in 2 mins after I leave her at 7pm) about how her best friend at school over the last 2 days has told her she doesn't want to be her friend anymore. She is nearly 4.

Now of course this is going to happen, and she won't be upset for long, but how on earth do you cope and what do you say?! It is apparent that although she is very outgoing and sociable she is also sensitive as we have had a few little moments like this over the last year - but an hour crying in my arms tonight - really?! And of course I said all the wrong things. Aforementioned friend is going to a different school next year - which she knows - so I explained to her about all the lovely new children she would meet soon - cue even bigger wails - I WANT ESTHER TO GO TO MY SCHOOL . Took me ages to calm her down even to the previous level.

I had a terrible time at school but I was very very shy and didn't make friends easily. She can make a friend at the drop of a hat (although I am sure that is partly her age).

I think she is a bit under the weather as today really all she had done has cried (and not about this until bedtime). Our house is hellish cramped and noisy with building work so I am thinking of taking her for a mummy day out tomorrow to a farm or something to cheer her up in a situation when I would normally just give her a quiet day at home. Or is that just the wrong message - should she just go to school as usual..

susypx

[hellosailor]

Susyp what a grim day, no particular pearls of wisdom on how to handle this as my daughter is not this age yet, but I can imagine that this sort of thing, inevitable tho it is, will break my heart!

Does she have another friend that you could have over to play or bake or whatever in the next couple of days to perk her up? I imagine there is a high chance the friend who has said this to her will have forgotten whatever the reason she doesn't want to be buddies with your daughter in a few days? Tho I guess a bit risky to say this to her...gawd, it's hard being 4..

[susyp]

I said to her earlier (not on this subject) - it's not the end of the world. And she said "could the world end mummy?".

Man.

Yes it has been a grim day.

lesson learnt from previous days is that it is usually a precursor of a lergy.

thanks hello sailor sadly we can hardly fit in our house at the moment what with all the builders but good plan i may text a few people to see if they fancy meeting at the playground in the morning as it is meant to be a nice day - Thank the lord.

I guarantee I;ll be awake half the night thinking about how to cheer up then she will wake up happy as larry with it all forgotten!

susypx

[midivydale]

Aaaw susy, i remember those days at school (although i was Probably older). So harsch!!

I dont have much parental experience as of yet as my lo is so young but i remember that when girls were mean to me at school i always took great comfort from doing things with my mum. Just being in her company and getting her praise and encouragement helped me to get a new sense of esteem and take my mind off things. But again i was prob a little older.

I think you are doing a mch greater job than u give urself credit for!! Giving ur daughter the time to talk, listen to her and try to help her. You sound like a lovely mum- one i would have liked at a young age when girls

[susyp]

ah thank you that is lovely. I am trying to take that approach that she can talk to me and i will listen - as I don't think I ever told my mum the stuff that happened to me at school. Not a lot Mums can do about it apart from listen of course. I may just take her down to the playground in the morning and then hang around a bit longer when she goes to school until I can see she is playing nicely with someone. Hard to get the balance right and not make too much drama over things. So much comes out at bath or bedtime, even though we've had 2 hours before that!

susypx

[Saffron]

Oh, susyp, what a very sad story! Is it something in the air? My little one has been very tearful recently too. Maybe try not to offer any advice or explanations. It's just enough sometimes to say that you're sorry your LO is feeling sad, and to offer lots of cuddles. I think at any age, there's nothing truly more comforting than heartfelt sympathy, and it doesn't need to come with any explanations.

If you think you need a mother-daughter day, go with your gut feeling. She is only little. If you think a special day with you would boost her feelings, then that's the right thing to do. You don't have to say it's b/c she was upset about her friend. Then it doesn't have to be linked to that. You can just say it's a surprise. xx

[KateW]

*Gulps* I'm dreading all this; my daughter is 18 months and I already feel sick at the thought of her going through things like this. If I was in your shoes, I'd be tempted to carry on as normal (i.e. her going to school as normal) but I'd hang around a bit like you said. I'd probably plan to do some special mummy/daughter time after school (baking/new craft/tea and cake at a cafe etc) and chat about her day then whilst she's distracted with something. That way she might be able to get some things out in the open before bathtime so hopefully bedtime is more settled. Personally I would worry about taking her out of school for a day just because she's upset; I don't mean to trivialise what she's going through, bless her, but more that (sadly) these things will probably happen throughout her school life and the important message to give her is that you'll always be there to listen, cuddle and comfort her, not that she'll be able to have the day off when sad things happen. You sound like you did an amazing job in reassuring her; good on you, it can't have been easy to hear her so sad. I'm quite sure she'll wake up with a happier heart tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep x

[Saffron]

Oh dear, well it's always different in different families, I guess. My friend and her partner took their son out of school whenever anything bad happened, or even if they just felt they had something special to do together with him, which was often to do with art/music. He was shortlisted for the Mercury prize a few years ago!

[tiddles]

oh dear i feel your pain!!! Been there got the t-shirt. a thought - sometimes they just want to offload!! We always feel we need to find a solution (quite rightly of oourse) however if whatever you suggest is not helping, sometimes a sympathetic ear, cuddles and lots of "how awful, thats not nice" etc etc just so they know you are taking them seriously. Often a good cry does wonders and they are better able to deal with life the next day.

its not easy tho is it??

[pincushionqueen]

I have taught reception for a number of years. The "I'm not your friend anymore" phase seems to happen every year (mostly with the girls but occasionally with the boys).

I think perhaps just have a quiet word with the teacher/nursery nurse and mention that she was very upset. He/she might be able to do some work on how we treat our friends/being kind to others etc. with the whole class. I have actually banned one class from using that particular phrase in the past though!

Poor love, I hope she feels happier tomorrow...

[sillywoman]

KateW Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>Personally I

> would worry about taking her out of school for a

> day just because she's upset; I don't mean to

> trivialise what she's going through, bless her,

> but more that (sadly) these things will probably

> happen throughout her school life and the

> important message to give her is that you'll

> always be there to listen, cuddle and comfort her,

> not that she'll be able to have the day off when

> sad things happen.

She's only 3 FGS. Really susyp, if you think you & she (sounds like you need a bit of Mummy-daughter time too) would benefit from a 'holiday' together for a day then I say go for it. It won't affect her GCSE results, it won't send her any wrong 'message' about school/commitment etc.etc. She's 3. Enjoy her, and let her have a break from the social pressures. As KateW says, all that will be there for the rest of her life. Take a day out away from mean girls and noisy builders. I hope you do it, & I hope you both enjoy it. :))

SW

[dulwichgirl2]

It is totally gutting when this happens and it does, all the time, I'm afraid.

One good thing to take away is that she does confide in you. I do not think I once told my parents of anything bad or sad that happened to me. I'm not sure why not. They are both empathetic people who would be deeply hurt to know of this huge gap in our communication.

I would see how the lo is tomorrow and then take a nice day treat or not together as you see fit. I would not link it to the problem nor would I link it to your daughter being upset. She can't get the message etc.....

Btw, it is illegal persistently to take your child out of mainstream education, Saffron, without agreement from the head. Presumably your friends wrote in advance, which would be sensible and appropriate.

[minder]

Would agree with Sillywoman, but don't let your child take the day off from school for their 5th birthday. I did with my first and he was bored to tears as no-one was around, except Mum and Dad, would rather have spent it at school.

[Saffron]

dulwichgirl2 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Btw, it is illegal persistently to take your child

> out of mainstream education, Saffron, without

> agreement from the head. Presumably your friends

> wrote in advance, which would be sensible and

> appropriate.

Certainly not, writing in advance would have spoiled the spontaneity. ;-) I doubt as well whether my friends really cared two sticks what the law was back then. They just knew they were doing the right thing for their child. My personal feeling is that sending children to school everyday like little automatons doesn't necessarily benefit them, if what's really needed is a day off. But as I said, every family is different.

[cuppa tea]

It's nursery/pre-school isn't it? I get confused when people call that 'school'. Mentally it's like bringing the whole process forward a year or 2! I would go for a nice day out too. I used to do that with my little on when he was at nursery and sometimes just woke up upset or simply didn't want to go. Had no effect on the next drop off. At 3 it's lovely to be able to have a bit of choice about it. Once they start school they are there for a Loooong time and they have very little choice about it! (I did once taken my son to the beach on a hot school day...funnily enough there were load of other school age children there!)

[hellosailor]

How is your daughter feeling today susyp? Hope she's feeling a bit perkier

[sillywoman]

dulwichgirl2 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> Btw, it is illegal persistently to take your child

> out of mainstream education, Saffron, without

> agreement from the head. Presumably your friends

> wrote in advance, which would be sensible and

> appropriate.

Snort. "sensible & appropriate" - you are funny dulwichgirl2 :))

Life is for living. It's OK to break the rules in this way now and again as long as it hurts no-one. Some people call it a 'mental health day', call it what you like I think occasionally it's good to show your kids that they matter more to you than being "sensible & appropriate". Sometimes, just sometimes it's good to be spontaneous & respond 'appropriate'ly to the needs of the child rather than the requirements of conformity within the wider system. The system will be there tomorrow (or one very like it), but your child will be grown & gone & you'll have missed the moment.

I really hope your post was tongue in cheek DG2.

[susyp]

well this morning she slept a bit later and so far today has been full of the joys of spring ! just shows you how quickly they bounce back. Her eyes were super puffy this morning though :-(. But we have been to the playground in the sun and she is absolutely fine and very happy and not mentioned last night at all and has only mentioned her friend in a "friend" context.

I might say somethng to the teacher but I did go in just before Easter for a full on chat as the boys were playing "chasing" games and she wouldn't go to school because of it! She did the whole role play thing with them with puppets, and we have also worked on showing my daughter how to say "stop- I don't like it". If I get an easy chance I'll mention it but I am sure my daughter is also guilty of these things on occasion - I have heard her saying to one girl "i am playing with xxx today but I will play with you later" which I thought was a little bit harsh.

thanks for all the comments. I think it is right just to listen and not offer any explanations. I am very guilty of always trying to make things better, my dad does this - but since I've had some troubles in my life I have definitely found that sometimes you just want full sympathy not someone telling you it will be ok or trying to make it seem ok. SO that is my approach now. It seems to have worked on this occasion!

I would have taken her for a day out if she wanted to but she never wants to miss school . Plan to take a few days this term though as it's really the last term I feel I can do it.

thanks for all the supportive comments!

susypx

[dulwichgirl2]

Sw, was referring to older children and when done frequently. This lo is tiny and I was suggesting a one off. Noone is suggesting sending a child to school when it is not appropriate for him or her to attend. I am the last person to send off an unhappy or frightened child.

Susyp, so glad to hear! I thought your lo might have forgotten it overnight. It is heart-rending when they are upset. You would gladly take ten times the pain yourself. :-( also you have great perspective to realise that sometimes our own children say things we would prefer they didn't. Quite a few parents fail to see this. But so glad overall re lo. :-)