How much does your partner help you?

[oimissus]

well, she could, Pickle, she could easily go out and leave a grown man to make himself some lunch. The fact that she doesn't is up to her, surely?? (or even leave him a sandwich, if she was feeling charitable?)

I wonder how many of us will manage to bring up our children to all help around the house, or will it somehow end up being the girls helping mum whilst the boys play games with dad . . .

[etta166]

I'm rather proud of the fact that my son is obsessed with cleaning and vacuuming. He always wants to help, especially if it involves spraying some sort of claening product and then wiping it up! He's 3, and I'm hoping this will last. He also like to help cook.

I've tried very hard to get him to help with my chores and Daddy's chores, and to understand what we do when we're out of the house during the day. My OH is a gardener and I'm an office worker, so he obviously prefers Daddy's job to mine at the moment.

My daughter is only just 1, but she's going to have to start "helping" around the house soon too :)

I don't think that there's any reason we have to perpetuate gender stereotypes into the next generation.

[Saila]

It's instilled at such a young age

Such as giving the girls 'slave-toys' like mini hoovers and kitchens etc and not the boys

Girls wanting to play with slave-toys more cos they're watching their mum and wanting to be like her

So all stems on our examples however subtle

[Otta]

It's true. My 3 year old daughter's preschool is having a "pirates & princesses" party. We will be sending her as a pirate!

[Pickle]

oimissus Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> well, she could, Pickle, she could easily go out

> and leave a grown man to make himself some lunch.

> The fact that she doesn't is up to her, surely??

> (or even leave him a sandwich, if she was feeling

> charitable?)

>

You're right, there's nothing stopping her really, but after 17 years of marriage (they got married at 21) she can't see that. Frustrates the hell out of me when I visit her!

I have another friend at home whose husband arrived home at 5pm when I was there visiting her. She had a 3 day old baby and a 16 month old toddler and, in front of me, he shouted at her because his dinner wasn't on the table. Not good.

So ladies, celebrate these partners that do little bits to help :))

[oimissus]

etta - no reason at all, though there's no reason why our generation should be living them either!

[etta166]

Otta Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> It's true. My 3 year old daughter's preschool is

> having a "pirates & princesses" party. We will be

> sending her as a pirate!

Have you said anything to other Mums or the school? I'd be horrified if my son's preschool did anything segregated like that.

[oimissus]

it's not actually segregated, though, is it - nothing to say that boys HAVE to be pirates and girls HAVE to be princesses, though I bet more girls would go as a pirate than boys go as a princess. How much of that is actually coming from parents? Enlightened, educated parents who wouldn't dream of dressing their sons in 'girls' costumes, or buy their sons 'girls' toys?

sorry, Ole, this has strayed off the point of your original post - enjoying the discussion though!

(edited to correct crap spelling)

[etta166]

So - back to the original post. My OH has just reminded me about "role reversal week". Evey now and again (OK, when I b**ch and nag at him) he proposes that we have a role reversal for a week and do each other's chores, childcare duties etc.

I am then reminded that although he spends less time on chores, he does do all the things that I hate doing. And we merrily go back to the system that we have evolved over 13 years of living together, which does actually suit us even if I sometimes feel put-upon.

Ole - worth a try in your house? Not sure how it will work out if you can't swap childcare roles as well...

[Ole]

well, I arrived home and he had cooked enough meals to last us through the week (he was 'working from home' today), went to the local shop and stocked up on essentials, and right now in front of me is sorting through 2 years worth of his own paperwork. Gotta throw strops at him more often.

Today I have learnt that:

1. Need to lower expectations as it is a well-known fact that few men can think outside the box anyway

2. Men need to be told what to do and to ignore their sulky faces

3. Ignore their mess and create a mess of my own to make a point

4. If something does not get done then it is OK, the world is not going to stop spinning

5. Let him get on with his flawed proposals and try not to laugh too much when the ice cream ends up on the floor

6. Husband can jolly well learn to spend more time with his son

7. Stop risk analysing everything

Has been a rather cathartic day after all!

[oimissus]

hurray! have a large glass of wine.

[Saffron]

I was also given the advice from well-meaning friends that I needed to allow Husband to make plans and to make mistakes, mainly where forward planning in childcare is concerned. Well, that's all fine and dandy, except he doesn't ?*^%ing learn from his mistakes! Grrrr. (Sudacrem on the sofa 3, YES THREE, times. It's not hard to put the lid on and put it out of reach of Little Saff's fingers.)

Still, I wouldn't lump into the same category all seemingly lazy husbands who irritate their wives. Their wives may be staying with them b/c they have other redeeming qualities. Mr Saff, for instance, is very forgiving. (Hmm maybe that's something he's learned from making so many mistakes?)

Ironic thing is that although he can destroy our kitchen by making a single cup of tea, from what I can tell about his work (he's a builder) he leaves the clients' houses clean! We have a cleaner who comes to our house once a week, even though we can't really afford it. It saves a lot of arguing. Although tonight, I'm the one in trouble b/c I forgot to pay the gas bill.

I'll be returning to work by summer's end. Then I'll be the main breadwinner. Wonder who will do the extra childcare and forward planning then? Hmm, yes, hmm. Changes ahead.

[sunbob]

I often find my husband infuriating and think he isn't doing enough, but now that times are really hard, with 6 mnth old not sleeping and 3 yr old being typically demanding he is really supporting me wonderfully, allowing me to get some sleep and doing ad much housework ad he can manage.

I am a Christian and have found this page particularly helpful

http://momsoffaith.com/2008/12/praying-for-your-husband-is-vital-to-your-marriage/

[Convex]

Role reversal week = brilliant idea!

[Yak]

We did a "job swap" for 3 months and it was absolutely brilliant - at the end of my mat leave Mr Y became a SAHD for 3 months while I went back to work full time. It was great both for our relationship, but also our relationships with the Yaklet (indiviudally and collectively, if that makes any sense at all). I could go on at length about it but I'd bore you all to tears!

Glad you have had a bit of a cathartic day, Ole.

[Polly D]

Absolutely not wishing to antagonise but I find the wording in the title of the thread interesting: how much does your partner help you. And sometimes for me this sums up the balance, i.e. the implication that it's my job and my partner should help, rather than a balanced 50:50 partnership.

I agree with Yak: nothing better than a job swap to really understand each other's days. I wish my husband could work more flexibly but in his male-dominated industry there is just no way. Plus he gets paid more than me so it makes sense that I am part-time.

I was feeling pretty happy with our balance but after being away for work for two days I am feeling rather grrrrrr about certain comments made upon my return about how inconvenient it was to do both the drop off and the pick up in the same day (which I do 4 days/week). Although to be fair he loved doing it in terms of our son, just that it made work harder...to which I wandered off upstairs muttering silently before I exploded.

[Saila]

Polly D Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Absolutely not wishing to antagonise but I find

> the wording in the title of the thread

> interesting: how much does your partner help you.

> And sometimes for me this sums up the balance,

> i.e. the implication that it's my job and my

> partner should help, rather than a balanced 50:50

> partnership.

> I agree with Yak: nothing better than a job swap

> to really understand each other's days. I wish my

> husband could work more flexibly but in his

> male-dominated industry there is just no way. Plus

> he gets paid more than me so it makes sense that I

> am part-time.

Really good point re 'help' thing - which is when the 'nagging' accusation comes in when actually we'd all rather not have to manage the family - but have the family manage themselves i.e. equally pointing out things that need fixing urgently.

I really disagree on the 'earning less' thing though. I earn considerable more than my partner but it makes zero difference - it really does. I'm still the manager of everything from financial planning down to what we eat in the evening. As they say, the 70s revolution is still yet to infiltrate the family home.... which goes back to the issue of making sure we're not breeding boys to be like their fathers and continue this frustrating cycle.

It's this unfair balance that's today's glass ceiling for women. They just burn out and give in in the end.

[echo]

Has anyone read this book?? I've heard about it but not read it...

Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality by Rebecca Asher

[Saffron]

Aren't any high-earning, 9-5 working blokes going to reply to this thread saying that their long-suffering, stay-at-home partner does everything, and how grateful they are to her?!? C'mon, let's hear the other side of the story!!!

[Saffron]

...and while you're at it, would you mind changing some lightbulbs and taking the rubbish down too.

[Saffron]

Otta Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> If you've got time to post on here, you're

> obviously not busy enough. Back to the kitchen

> with you all!

Multitasking here... laptop computer in my kitchen!! ;-)

[etta166]

Convex Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Role reversal week = brilliant idea!

haha - except that by Wednesday I was waering OH's trousers as he wasn't up to date on the laundry... and I really, really hate taking the bins out.

Roll on Monday, so I can get back to the chores I know and love (well, love more than his, anyway).

[Polly D]

Sure some of you read this last weekend (for the other side of the coin):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/11/what-really-thinking-wife-of-househusband

[gillandjoe]

My partner actually did all of the hoovering last weekend because I secretly went on a hoovering strike. I didn't even have to ask but afterwards he was all, 'I did ALL the hoovering on my day off!'. I think it's almost worth doing the cleaning just to avoid him lording it over me about it!!

I am now on a secret toilet-cleaning strike but I don't know how much longer I can hold out for!

[toomuchchocolate]

What a great thread. My OH is pretty good at taking on household chores, though does need to be asked....anything major and he does it unwillingly though.

The kids and I were away Friday night and all Saturday so I asked him to do the housework: sadly neglected since baby 2 arrived in march. He has done all the housework and the house is looking fab....BUT....he's "tidied" the house by putting things in the loft, giving stuff away to our neighbours, moved furniture and filed away our sons toys (he can't bear the mess of toys everywhere). Now I just wish he hadn't done it, because I won't be able to find anything without hunting round the house for its "new place" which I find infuriating, much of the stuff put up in the loft will need to come down again and my son will spend the next few weeks asking me where x and y toys have gone!! I wouldn't mind but his own possessions still remain shoved into corners of each room...none of his stuff went into the loft or was given away!!