No children wedding - dilemma

[Saffron]

I can imagine that some people feel the same way towards their children as they do towards their partners, regarding accepting invites w/o them.

If I don't go to a wedding, I'm inclined to send a smaller gift or sometimes just cash in an envelope. As the OP has already spent a great deal (?1k, did I read that right?!), I'm curious to know what's considered appropriate for a gift, if they can't attend? Subject line says it all: Dilemma!

[Ole]

theasidonio Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Otta Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Look, basically people are selfish about their

> > weddings, and fair enough, it is their big day,

> > and I would never suggest they should change

> their

> > arrangements on my part. That doesn't mean I

> won't

> > have my opinion.

> >

> > I missed my friend's wedding last year (I was

> > meant to be best man) because they chose to

> have

> > it in Cyprus, where her mum owns a nice place,

> and

> > it would cost them a lot less. Of course, that

> > means all their guests have to spend a fortune,

> > and as a result, they ended up with q lot of

> their

> > friends missing, especially on his side.

> >

> > I personally won't attend a wedding where my

> kids

> > are not welcome, or if I'm expected to abroad,

> > without good reason (went to a friend's wedding

> in

> > Venezuela, because bride was from there and her

> > family never would have afforded to come here).

> >

> > Don't even get me started on non religious

> people

> > marrying in church!

>

>

> The non-religious people marrying in church really

> upsets me too. Have managed to upset my dad and

> all of his very-Catholic family by a) not marrying

> in church and b) not inviting the family priest to

> the reception! As I said you can't please

> everyone. I was once invited to a wedding and my

> long-term partner was not invited. I politely

> declined the invite but was fuming about it for a

> time but got over it really quickly.

Out of curiosity - why did you decline an invite to a wedding where your long-term partner had not been invited to, but are considering excluding children from your own wedding?

[theasidonio]

Ole Wrote:

> Out of curiosity - why did you decline an invite

> to a wedding where your long-term partner had not

> been invited to, but are considering excluding

> children from your own wedding?

I was trying to highlight that I do understand why people get upset when children are excluded. I was upset when my partner wasn't invited to this wedding but I got over it because I realised that it's not my day and my partner and I were not enititled to an invite. My partner didn't get invited to that particular wedding because the bride (who I was friends with) was limited on space and had never met him. Looking back, I know I over-reacted. In my case, all of the children we haven't included in our wedding are all under the age of 5. I'm sure this wouldn't make a difference to most people but the idea of a large group of toddlers getting bored/fussy/hungry during important parts of the day would be stressful to me. I know a lot of mums think it's a crap reason, but i really want my cousins, sister-in-laws and friends to be able to let their hair down and not miss out parts of the day because they need to take their toddlers outside.

[bluesuperted]

Saffron Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I can imagine that some people feel the same way

> towards their children as they do towards their

> partners, regarding accepting invites w/o them.

Exactly! Maybe (some, not all) parents would feel similarly bereft and strange about going without someone hugely important to them.

Also, I do enjoy a good wedding and I'm sure (one day!) I'll really fancy some kind of child free night away at some point. But *whispers* my first choice for this might not be someone else's wedding...

[Saffron]

Theasidonio, it's brilliant that you spoke to everyone in person. I'm sure your wedding day will be special. I suspect that really great weddings are those where everyone's expectations have been clearly communicated by the bride and groom directly.

I'm struck by how weird (to me) it seems that the OP's MiL was contacted by the groom's mum, re the OP's children at the wedding. I know large weddings can be complicated, but shouldn't the bride and groom speak to guests about this personally to avoid confusion? And, if they've said it's ok to have children there, then why aren't there any accommodations being offered? That sounds to me like they don't actually want children there. But is it the bride and groom that don't want children, or is it the groom's mother? Very confusing.

[ClareC]

theasidonio wrote

" my partner and I were not entitled to an invite....."

Agreed, but it works both ways.

As complimentary it is to receive an invite, if guests decline because the B&G choose to have a no children policy (whatever the reason, whether it be they are having a wedding beyond their means or just simply do not like children), then the B&G should not be offended by the rejected invite.

Personally, at our wedding, the fact people do have children is a huge consideration. We will ensure they are included (should their parents wish to bring them) even if that means we have to reduce costs elsewhere. As for wanting the parents to let their hair down, that's their choice not mine! I cant enforce it! I am ensuring it's as easy as possible to do so without excluding their children!

Edited to add I'm not sure if I would be offended or not if my children were excluded from an invite. I would be less likely to attend though as attendance is subject to far more than being available on the day!

[theasidonio]

Saffron Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Theasidonio, it's brilliant that you spoke to

> everyone in person. I'm sure your wedding day

> will be special. I suspect that really great

> weddings are those where everyone's expectations

> have been clearly communicated by the bride and

> groom directly.

>

> I struck by how weird (to me) it seems that the

> OP's MiL was contacted by the groom's mum, re the

> OP's children at the wedding. I know large

> wedding can get complicated, but shouldn't the

> bride and groom speak to guests about this

> personally to avoid confusion? And, if they've

> said it's ok to have children there, then why

> aren't there any accommodations being made? That

> sounds to me like they don't actually want

> children there. But is it the bride and groom

> that don't want children, or is it the groom's

> mother? Very confusing.

Agreed. I bet the bride and groom would be mortified if they knew one of their monthers was interfering like that. I'd be devastated if anyone else got involved like that with our wedding.

[Saffron]

RE MiLs/mothers getting involved: You're damn lucky if they're not! :)

[ClareC]

Hmmm wedding politics!!

That's exactly why we are planning to organise ours with a 6 week turnaround ;) less time for family interference!!

Seriously though, a B&G should please themselves, it is their day after all. Just be aware the knock on effect their decisions have on others and don't be offended if people subsequently can't make it!

[theasidonio]

Saffron Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> RE MiLs/mothers getting involved: You're damn luck

> if they're not! :)

my MIL has tried to get involved but I've put my foot down. We are paying for it ourselves, with no contributions (not that we expect them) from either set of parents. I've given both my mum and my MIL a specific 'job' each to make them feel included.

[theasidonio]

ClareC Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Hmmm wedding politics!!

>

> That's exactly why we are planning to organise

> ours with a 6 week turnaround ;) less time for

> family interference!!

>

> Seriously though, a B&G should please themselves,

> it is their day after all. Just be aware the knock

> on effect their decisions have on others and don't

> be offended if people subsequently can't make it

Wedding politics are the bane of my life at the moment. Trying to please two different cultures foodwise has been the most difficult. Wish I could arrange ours in six weeks - I think I'm a bit too much of a control-freak to do that!

[Otta]

Seriously though, a B&G should please themselves, it is their day after all. Just be aware the knock on effect their decisions have on others and don't be offended if people subsequently can't make it!

In a nut shell!

[FatherJack]

Weddings...a dilemma, political, minefield, controversial.......

Wait til your MIL's sister throws a strop because she wasn't in enough pf the photos........tee hee!

OP....as with the Bride and Groom, you must do what works for you and your baby.

[buggie]

> I'm struck by how weird (to me) it seems that the

> OP's MiL was contacted by the groom's mum, re the

> OP's children at the wedding. I know large

> weddings can be complicated, but shouldn't the

> bride and groom speak to guests about this

> personally to avoid confusion? And, if they've

> said it's ok to have children there, then why

> aren't there any accommodations being offered?

> That sounds to me like they don't actually want

> children there. But is it the bride and groom

> that don't want children, or is it the groom's

> mother? Very confusing.

I agree Saffron (accidental wiped your name off the top!), but despite sending out lots of useful info and making it clear that Mr Buggie and I were doing all the organising, several family members contacted my Mum meaning she ended up having to pass these requests on (mainly wanting to wrangle invites for cousins partners - who'd been invited to the evening do only) rather than contact me directly - really annoyed me as think they knew they were pushing their luck but thought coming from my Mum would make me relent - it didn't!

Regarding children - as the eldest grandchild on both sides of the family and with cousins as young as 3yrs At the time, I always knew and planned to have children attend, I loved going to family occasions as a child and would have been really upset to miss out.

Also, most guests were having to travel a few hours from home to attend and so excluding their children would have made attending difficult/stressful for them - organising a wedding causes enough stress on the B&G, needed unstressed guests to balance!

Always find it strange that it's often said how those without children would see things differently once/if they were parents and yet the amount of times these sorts of issues come up, they never seem to take heed of the advice offered ( not aimed at the OP who has it sounds done a sterling job in tricky circumstances)

[Trish]

I had exactly the same situation - although was bridesmaid at the wedding. I was devastated our best friends didn't want our new baby there and felt personally insulted at the time. On reflection I can understand why they didn't invite children. It would have increased numbers significantly since if you allow one person's child you have to agree to others.

In the end I asked my cousin to come and look after my baby. I hired a cottage as close to the wedding venue as possible - it was only a 5 min drive away. I had planned to keep popping back to feed my little girl but she ended up taking a bottle from my cousin. It all worked out fine in the end and we had a great day/night!

[amydown]

Many thanks to everyone for the posts and also PMs. Saffron, the situation with The groom's mother didn't actually involve her contacting my MiL specifically. They know each other, live in the same village and move in the same circule as it were, and it came up in conversation.

I don't begrudge the couple for wanting a kids free wedding as I said before. Their wedding, their day. I was in fact really grateful when we were given the exception. That was months ago and we were just happily planning to attend as a family. It's only when invitation arrived with just my and husband's name on and in "confirming" the permission we felt from the tone of their voices and language used that we realised maybe the "permission" was given more so as not to rock the boat rather than the couple being genuinely ok with it. The next day, my MIl had the conversation with groom's mother confirming my suspicions.

Having read everyone's posts, I have indeed decided to give it a few months and see how I feel nearer the time and decide then. For the time being, decided to thank them for the invitation and confirm that the kids will not be attending the wedding but there is a possibility that I may have to stay at home with them if childcare / breastfeeding issues remain unresolved.

Thea, I have also found your posts insightful in understanding a different point of view. The only thing that saddened me was the comment about "who cares how much money the guests have to spend" (sorry if I'm misquoting. Just remembering off the top of my head". We are going to considerable lengths both logistically and financially to attend this wedding and have done for many family members and friends over the years (as I'm sure many guests have to do these days). Happy to do so for our nearest and dearest of course. However, such generosity should not be taken for granted. Not very endearing really.

[theasidonio]

amydown Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Many thanks to everyone for the posts and also

> PMs. Saffron, the situation with The groom's

> mother didn't actually involve her contacting my

> MiL specifically. They know each other, live in

> the same village and move in the same circule as

> it were, and it came up in conversation.

>

> I don't begrudge the couple for wanting a kids

> free wedding as I said before. Their wedding,

> their day. I was in fact really grateful when we

> were given the exception. That was months ago and

> we were just happily planning to attend as a

> family. It's only when invitation arrived with

> just my and husband's name on and in "confirming"

> the permission we felt from the tone of their

> voices and language used that we realised maybe

> the "permission" was given more so as not to rock

> the boat rather than the couple being genuinely ok

> with it. The next day, my MIl had the conversation

> with groom's mother confirming my suspicions.

>

> Having read everyone's posts, I have indeed

> decided to give it a few months and see how I feel

> nearer the time and decide then. For the time

> being, decided to thank them for the invitation

> and confirm that the kids will not be attending

> the wedding but there is a possibility that I may

> have to stay at home with them if childcare /

> breastfeeding issues remain unresolved.

>

> Thea, I have also found your posts insightful in

> understanding a different point of view. The only

> thing that saddened me was the comment about "who

> cares how much money the guests have to spend"

> (sorry if I'm misquoting. Just remembering off the

> top of my head". We are going to considerable

> lengths both logistically and financially to

> attend this wedding and have done for many family

> members and friends over the years (as I'm sure

> many guests have to do these days). Happy to do so

> for our nearest and dearest of course. However,

> such generosity should not be taken for granted.

> Not very endearing really.

Fair do's. Perhaps I should have phrased it a bit better - infuriated by people griping about the expenses of attending a wedding when attendance is not compulsory!

[Countjc]

Hi Amy

I just had a few extra thoughts that may help you as we are in a similar situation. We are going to a 'no kids' wedding this weekend and have a 6 week old and a toddler. Nthe bride and groom are very close friends and have made an exception for our baby and other young babies. They didn't specify on the invite but spoke to us all individually. Their view was they would rather have us there with a baby than not but if they invited all the children their numbers would go up by about 40! I was wondering if it was worth you or hubby speaking directly to the groom as his mother may be expressing her opinion but not the couples?

I've expressed on a couple of hen do s in the past over a day and a half and sat with friends at weddings in various rooms/bathrooms whilst they've expressed to keep up milk supply. Generally been a 'pump and dump' as drinking. It's a bit of a faff but not too bad and my breast pump fits into a small handbag fine.

Like many others have said, I think each couple are entitled to their own wishes on the day but if they are good friends most will be understanding. Often people who don't have kids don't realise how very hard it is to leave a v young baby, for breast feeding mums and also have no idea about childcare. For a weekend wedding, leaving children with your family is often the only option and not everyone is lucky enough to have that option.

We had a couple of weddings last year where our parents couldn't help us out and spoke to the bride/groom directly and asked if ok to bring our son. If not, one of us was v happy to stay behind but both fronds were happy to have him there. Was v hard work for us chasing him him around at the reception and both times spent most of the ceremony in the graveyard but we were so pleased to be a part of their day.

We have 10 weddings this year and most are kid free. There is only so much we can ask of our parents childcare-wise but we will do our best to make each one way or another. Again having spoken to most of the couples they will make exceptions. We invited 30 children to our wedding and the extra cost was minimal as the caterers charged v little for a kids meal but maybe we were lucky and did have a lot of space. In the end most of our friends left their kids behind but those with little babies and no childcare options were able to all make it which was fab.

Really hope you find a happy solution.

Ruth- so outrageous about your side room!

[simonethebeaver]

I have two young stepkids so a child free wedding was never on the cards, but we both agreed that we hated the idea of a child free wedding anyway. It's part of the fun for us both. (Thea, you mention a stepdaughter. I assume she's invited!)

We always had the mindset that we wanted to invite everyone we wanted and arrange the wedding around that. So we had the wedding in London, where most of our guests lived. We hired people to look after the kids, a bouncy castle, a magician and had a kids table that was served first. We did the whole thing in a church hall and marquee and had fish and chips for dinner. Loads of people said they'd had a chance to relax and enjoy themselves without needing to find childcare. Most of the kids and their parents went home by 9pm out of choice. We all had a great day.

Actually though it is very hard to get right. My steps were 8 and 11 when we got married and the wedding we attended right before had organised a cr?che for under 7s. Our two were the only kids at the wedding over that age so were bored to hell by themselves!

[lucyA1308]

When my little girl's god-mother got married, I just assumed we could bring my daughter along too, although no one else had brought children - so perhaps they had been asked not to bring them. I thought that it was important, and getting married is the start of being a family, uniting 2 families, and watching those families grow together, hopefully with children of their own.

She sat on my lap, and shared food from my husband's and my plates. she was charming to all the other guests, and I took her to a childrens corner in the church when she got a bit noisy. No hastle to anyone else, and a beautiful addition to the guest list.

[????]

Isn't the key thing here babies and children are very differnt? We had about a 100 people on an all paid for (by us) do - so family but almost all of our best friends. We had no Children apart from our own little girl for the civil service before a nanny took her off (aged 2 then) and my niece and Nephew whow were 8 and 10 and are very close to us. I've just done a very brief calculation and we didn't invite about 25 of my mates and families' children (not sure on the missus' mates but a few more there too) so if we'd said kids invited we'd have not been able to invite at least 25 of our friends and instaed has d a whole load of kids who probably would have rather been elsewhere. No one turned us down, infact most bowled up delighted to have a day away from the the kids! Admittedly most of my mates kids are older than mine.

If you're not prerpared to go along to a wedding without your kids then fair enough don't go but to act like the bride and groom are being somehow rude not inviting your children has me scratching my head to be honest. I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to any of my mates' weddings. Happy if they were but not expecting it.

I think newborns and BF babies are a slightly different matter, not least that they don't have to be catered for as part of the day.

[Indiana]

Totally agree ???. We had a similar situation with our wedding and invited children under 3 (i.e babies/toddlers) but older children were not invited for the same reasons - i.e it would have added a further ?2k to our cost whereas Under 3s were free, or it would have meant that a whole raft of our friends would have not been invited.

Now that I am a mum myself, I still don't see an issue with kids not being invited to a wedding - it's not a right that they should be there (as expressed by some posters) and as many have pointed out, you don't have to accept.

That said, again I agree with ??? re the difference between children and babies and I totally sympathise with the OP dilemma as I don't think it's fair to exclude babies and breastfeeding toddlers, or even those that are still young that the parents have not left overnight. I wouldn't have dreamt about doing that at our wedding but was very comfortable not inviting more grown up kids as I think that's a different ball game entirely.