No children wedding - dilemma

[Ruth_Baldock]

Sorry, the bride and groom upset??? I couldn't give a flying fig! They aren't providing the room for my comfort but rather so they're other guests aren't upset by me breastfeeding. There are so many offensive things going on with the sitaution that I can't even list them! They know i am fIne feeding my baby in front of others, they know us both very well and they're family. Ha!

[theasidonio]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> Sorry, the bride and groom upset??? I couldn't

> give a flying fig! They aren't providing the room

> for my comfort but rather so they're other guests

> aren't upset by me breastfeeding. There are so

> many offensive things going on with the sitaution

> that I can't even list them! They know i am fIne

> feeding my baby in front of others, they know us

> both very well and they're family. Ha!

Oh my. I do hope none of my family behave like that on my wedding day! I think it's sad that you don't care about upsetting family on their big day.

[Ruth_Baldock]

I am assuming you don't have children and haven't breastfed. They are not saying "look, don't change your baby's nappy at the table, some people find it disgusting..." they are asking me to hide myself away because some people they know are too bloody stupid to realise that, actually, boobs are for feeding babies and seeing someone breastfeed a baby isn't disgusting or rude, but natural. At least it is for us. It is so uPsetting to be belittled the way both my daughter and myself are. And if breastfeeding would ruin their day, then they shouldn't have invited me. End of.

[theasidonio]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> I am assuming you don't have children and haven't

> breastfed. They are not saying "look, don't change

> your baby's nappy at the table, some people find

> it disgusting..." they are asking me to hide

> myself away because some people they know are too

> bloody stupid to realise that, actually, boobs are

> for feeding babies and seeing someone breastfeed a

> baby isn't disgusting or rude, but natural. At

> least it is for us. It is so uPsetting to be

> belittled the way both my daughter and myself are.

> And if breastfeeding would ruin their day, then

> they shouldn't have invited me. End of.

Breastfeeding might well be natural but some people still don't want to see it, I think the bride and groom were trying to be mindful for the majority of their guests. It might be a bit unfair but you shouldn't take it personally, it's a small sacrifice for their day. They aren't asking you to stop feeding your daughter in your home, in cafes, in the park or wherever. It's their wedding day. Respect that.

[Ruth_Baldock]

I can see we obviously disagree about this, so I am not going to write anymore about my "situation". Thea, congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Amy, apologies for the massive tangent ;)

[Ole]

We went to a wedding in Italy with our then 1.5 year old and it was pure hell. The timings were all wrong for our toddler schedule and anyway in typical pseudo-mediterranean fashion everything was delayed by about 2 hours which meant spending hours making polite chit chat whilst our hungry toddled screeched the place down and tried to smash anything within reach out of sheer boredom. We would take turns to take him for 'walks' which meant my husband and I barely had any time together and we spent a fortune buying our own lunch at a nearby restaurant because we could not wait any longer for our son to eat. Although our son was not specifically invited neither was he specifically excluded - we knew that we would be the only couple with children and no special consideration would have been made but we decided to go anyway.

I think it is only fair that parents should be given the option of going on their own or taking their child with them. With hindsight we should not have taken our son to the Italian wedding, but I don't want anybody making the decision for me. To suggest that 'by not asking children to the wedding I am giving the parents a chance to let their hair down' is rubbish - if parents want to let their hair down I am sure they can make that decision themselves! I think if people don't want children at their wedding because they just don't want to, they should be honest about it and not wrap it up differently - it is their choice to do so, but in that case it might also be the parents' choice to decide they'd rather let their hair down at some other event!

[Lula]

Amydown, totally empathise with you too.

I think many couples really don't understand or enjoy having kids around at their wedding and the simple reason is that they don't yet have any of their own. It would be interesting to see if they felt the same way once they do have kids and are faced with a similar situation to yourself.

Do what you feel comfortable with. I don't think your 7 month old will go off breastfeeding in one evening especially if you can express and the nanny can feed baby the expressed milk. If nanny can come with you that would be a good solution but as you've pointed out weddings are bloody expensive and people just don't think about the cost to others as it's 'their special day?'

[Ole]

By the way, when I wrote that the wedding was pure 'hell', I mean it in the 'what-on-earth-were-we-thinking-bringing-a-toddler-to-an-8-hour-long-wedding', and not in the 'they-have-not-provided-special-guilded-spoons-for-us-to-eat-with' context.

Just in case ;-)

[theasidonio]

Lula Wrote:

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> Amydown, totally empathise with you too.

>

> I think many couples really don't understand or

> enjoy having kids around at their wedding and the

> simple reason is that they don't yet have any of

> their own. It would be interesting to see if they

> felt the same way once they do have kids and are

> faced with a similar situation to yourself.

>

> Do what you feel comfortable with. I don't think

> your 7 month old will go off breastfeeding in one

> evening especially if you can express and the

> nanny can feed baby the expressed milk. If nanny

> can come with you that would be a good solution

> but as you've pointed out weddings are bloody

> expensive and people just don't think about the

> cost to others as it's 'their special day?'

why should people think about the cost to others?These will be the same people you invite to your children's christenings/naming day whatever/birthday/holy communion etc. If you don't want to spend the money to celebrate an important milestone in one of your friends/family member's lives then don't do it, don't gripe about it! it's ONE day out of your lives, it may mean having to change your routine, book accomodation etc , they aren't asking for you to do it every weekend! Jeez, if I was thinking about the impact of my wedding on my guests, I'd never be able to find a suitable date, time or venue.

Amy, if you don't feel comfortable, don't go. The bride and groom will understand.

[kittysailing]

I got married three years ago and didnt invite kids - if I had we would have had around 30 kids which would have taken up a third of the guest spaces! I love kids but friends with them appreciated that numbers were limited and weddings are expensive. They took the opportunity to have a wild night in a romantic hotel by the sea. I specifically rang all my guests with babies to say of course their babas were very welcome. Breastfeeding babies are an extension of their mums. I wouldn't of dreamed of suggesting they fed their babies in a different room. Frankly I would have rather the 'offended' guests left the room ( and didn't come back) I now have two little ones of my own and invited or not I don't think I'd take them to another wedding - posh do's are a lovely chance to catch up with both your partner and old friends - if you're lucky enough to have willing relatives or friends to take charge - make the most of a great day I'd say!

[Ole]

Theasinodia, it is only one day for the bride and groom, but for the guests it may be one of many invites piled up on the mantelpiece.

[theasidonio]

Indeed. But I'm sure the bride and groom will have numerous invites also. It's part of life. So far we've been invited to two weddings, 3 christenings, a naming ceremony, one holy communion and a number of children's birthday parties. To attend some of these it will involve travel, buying gifts, new outfits and for one, a hotel overnight. I wouldn't miss any of these for the world as these are all important people in our lives and they've invited us to share in these important milestone occasions.

[fapl]

That is great you have the money theasidonio but when it can cost a few hundred pounds or more to attend each wedding and you have a few invites, for some there may be tough decisions to make. I would not have wanted any of the guests at my wedding to get into debt to attend. I am starting to wonder why you are on the family board when so many of your opinions are so family unfriendly.

[VanessaPMR]

Guys, OMG! I just got an invite to a wedding!

I have been warmly invited to attend but have been told that my saggy breeders arse is strictly NFI'd...should I be offended?!

xxx

[theasidonio]

Er, I don't have the money for all of these events. We are also saving for our own wedding and have foregone a holiday for the past 3 years for various reasons. I'm not being family unfriendly at all, I'm merely offering a different point of view. A lot of people on here are calling people who want child-freee weddings 'selfish' - I think this is unfriendly. By all means, you are entitled to be put out and annoyed but you shouldn't be berating other people for making a choice about the kind of day they want to have. Not sure why I'm being singled out. The OP asked what other people have done in similar situations. Whilst I cannot give advice on breastfeeding, I offered an opionion from the other point of view, the bride and grooms as I am am currently in a similar situation where I am asking my guests not to bring their children. I hadn't even considered if any of my guests might be breastfeeding at the time and this is something I will now be considering.

[Saffron]

theasidonio Wrote:

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> I am having a child free wedding and my fiance and

> I are paying for it ourselves. we simply cannot

> swallow the cost of all the children's meals (we

> are only getting a discount of ?8 per child under

> 12). (anyone who says it doesn't cost clearly

> hasn't had to plan a wedding recentley). We could

> invite less people so all the parent's could bring

> their kids but I'd rather have my grown-up friends

> there.

Your friends' children aren't also your friends?

And how does one draw the line between child and adult? Would a friend's 22 year old son be invited, but not her 10 year old son?

My then fiance and I also paid for our wedding ourselves. I do know the costs, as this was only 2 year ago. Because we feel that our friends' children are as important to us as our adult friends, we chose to have a service and reception which could accommodate all ages. This meant we couldn't afford our "dream" wedding, and we accepted that. At some point in the future, when we can afford a more lavish ceremony and reception, we plan to renew our vows. We'll definitely still invite our friends and their children. A wedding is something many people only do once, but you can renew your vows with a service and ceremony any time.

> We've offended one parent out of about 18.

That you know of.

Despite my personal feelings, I can understand why some people prefer an adults-only wedding. That may mean that some guests you'd like to be there can't come b/c of their commitments to their children. One hopes, the bride and groom do understand that if the children are still small, they are the parents' priority, not the wedding.

If exceptions need to be made, they should be done so with grace and tact, no? Ultimately it's down to the host and hostess to make guests feel welcome and wanted. One hopes guests show their appreciation for this... they are your friends, aren't they?

[Saffron]

theasidonio Wrote:

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> Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Cuppatea, I can really empathise with

> > "breastfeeding Mums are not acceptable to most

> > people..."

> >

> > I am attending a wedding which my children have

> > been invited to and have been TOLD, not asked,

> > that there will be a seperate room for me to

> nurse

> > my daughter in. The reason? "THAT will make my

> > guests uncomfortable".

> >

> > Well. Great.

>

>

> doesn't having a separate room mean you'll have

> privacy? I'm just asking!

Well, do you like to eat your dinner in a separate room from everyone else? Why should Baby be made to eat her "dinner" in a separate room? And would a bottle/formula fed baby be acceptable, but b/fing is not ok? What complete nonsense.

[Saffron]

theasidonio Wrote:

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> fapl Wrote:

> (and if he doesn't behave we take him

> > outside so as to minimise bother to other

> > people).

> >

>

>

> If only all parents were like you fapl. Couldn't

> count the amount of weddings and other functions

> that I've been to where some of the parents let

> their kids run riot in the church and reception.

> The last wedding I went to, one mum let her 4 year

> old slide up and down the dancefloor when the

> bride and groom were having their first dance.

That is the role of the Maid of Honour to clear up issues like this at a wedding. M of H should have whisked the little devil off the dance floor to some more appropriate location, or have a stern word with his parents!!

[theasidonio]

Agree with regards to exceptions. We will be having my fiance's 14 year old daughter as the only exception to the no-children rule. None of our friends or family are currently pregnant, but if there is anyone breastfeeding their child, I would of course, make an exception for them too. I don't know much about breast feeding, Saffron. I was just thinking, if it were me, I'd want some privacy, I can appreciate that not everyone feels the same, but I haven't made this rule.

I feel like you are singling me out when I'm not the only one who has offered the opposite point of view.

Hardly the maid of honour's job to remove a toddler she doesn't know from the dance floor. Should of been his mother, keeping a better eye on him!

[amyw]

Nah just bill them for your custom made spanx

[amyw]

Erm.... Bit of a cross post sorry! Must learn how to quote.

I think it's weird t be asked to bf in another room but I wouldn't be offended I don't think, I'd feel a bit lonely though!

[Saffron]

theasidonio Wrote:

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> Agree with regards to exceptions. We will be

> having my fiance's 14 year old daughter as the

> only exception to the no-children rule. None of

> our friends or family are currently pregnant, but

> if there is anyone breastfeeding their child, I

> would of course, make an exception for them too. I

> don't know much about breast feeding, Saffron. I

> was just thinking, if it were me, I'd want some

> privacy, I can appreciate that not everyone feels

> the same, but I haven't made this rule.

> I feel like you are singling me out when I'm not

> the only one who has offered the opposite point of

> view.

>

> Hardly the maid of honour's job to remove a

> toddler she doesn't know from the dance floor.

> Should of been his mother, keeping a better eye on

> him!

Yes, it should have been the parent. When that doesn't happen, then the M of H, or someone else from the bridal party needs to lend a hand surely? What, does everyone just stand around gaping?

And, no, I'm not singling you out, theasidonio. Though others posted with similar expressions, you have posted with your own specific opinion on it, and I have replied specifically to that. That's the EDF, for ya! ;-)

I think this is a great thread not despite the different opinions, but because of them. I think there is much to learn and consider on both sides of the issue. For example, how does one handle the issue of invites/gifts? If a bride and groom invite friends with small children, knowing that they likely can't/won't come, is a gift still de rigueur if they don't attend? Or does one just not invite them? It's not all as simple as it seems! xx

[theasidonio]

I was under the impression that if you are not attending you should send a card but not a gift. I hope I haven't commited a big faux pas there!

I personally spoke with all the mum's in mine and my partner's families about the kids not being invited before we had sent the invites out. Luckily for us, nearly all of the mum's are happy to attend and leave their kids with their in-laws. We don't have any children in our family or social circle that are older apart from my step-daughter. Our friends and family have been really understanding about the fact that our venue is really limited space-wise and we are on a really tight budget. I'd always still invite people that I wanted to come, even if I knew they probably wouldn't be able to come because of childcare issues.

I've not set out to offend anyone on here but feel really strongly about wedding politics; we've changed the venue twice, going to have kids, then not going to have kids, anguishing over whether or not to give our single friends a 'plus-one' or not. Organising a wedding is stressful,you woun't be able to please all of your guests - we've spent so long trying to be diplomatic, in the end, we've decided to do and have the things that will make us happy!

[Otta]

Look, basically people are selfish about their weddings, and fair enough, it is their big day, and I would never suggest they should change their arrangements on my part. That doesn't mean I won't have my opinion.

I missed my friend's wedding last year (I was meant to be best man) because they chose to have it in Cyprus, where her mum owns a nice place, and it would cost them a lot less. Of course, that means all their guests have to spend a fortune, and as a result, they ended up with q lot of their friends missing, especially on his side.

I personally won't attend a wedding where my kids are not welcome, or if I'm expected to abroad, without good reason (went to a friend's wedding in Venezuela, because bride was from there and her family never would have afforded to come here).

Don't even get me started on non religious people marrying in church!

[theasidonio]

Otta Wrote:

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> Look, basically people are selfish about their

> weddings, and fair enough, it is their big day,

> and I would never suggest they should change their

> arrangements on my part. That doesn't mean I won't

> have my opinion.

>

> I missed my friend's wedding last year (I was

> meant to be best man) because they chose to have

> it in Cyprus, where her mum owns a nice place, and

> it would cost them a lot less. Of course, that

> means all their guests have to spend a fortune,

> and as a result, they ended up with q lot of their

> friends missing, especially on his side.

>

> I personally won't attend a wedding where my kids

> are not welcome, or if I'm expected to abroad,

> without good reason (went to a friend's wedding in

> Venezuela, because bride was from there and her

> family never would have afforded to come here).

>

> Don't even get me started on non religious people

> marrying in church!

The non-religious people marrying in church really upsets me too. Have managed to upset my dad and all of his very-Catholic family by a) not marrying in church and b) not inviting the family priest to the reception! As I said you can't please everyone. I was once invited to a wedding and my long-term partner was not invited. I politely declined the invite but was fuming about it for a time but got over it really quickly.