No children wedding - dilemma

[amydown]

A close friend of my husband's is getting married this summer. They are having a children and baby-free wedding, which is completely understandable. Trouble is, our youngest will only be 7m and I wasn't really prepared to leave him (and his brother) overnight with anyone as he will still be breastfeeding and very unlikely to be sleeping through the night based on my experience with the first.

Friend made an exception for us but recently been made clear that they would rather the kids weren't there for the ceremony and reception. I could stay behind with the kids but that would be very boring for hubby (who has to attend as an usher). I could leave the kids at home with our wonderful nanny but I am worried about the baby going off breastfeeding after 24 hours away from me (even though I will leave expressed milk behind), especially as he will have just started on solids and be at that critical point.

What have other people done in similar situations? I would be so so upset if baby went off breastfeeding (older one was bf until 18m and I would love to do the same this time) but the thought of attending a wedding with the kids where my kids are not welcomed feels me with dread.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Could have written this myself!!! If the baby is breastfed, it's ridicolous to expect you to leave them for an overnight. We are in the same position, husband is an usher, no children allowed at the wedding. Our toddler is staying with GP's overnight and I am bringing the baby with me, because Husband didn't want to go alone and their isn't a chance in hell I'd leave the baba and then express every 2hrs!!! /rant

[Lindsey<3]

:( that's really unfair!

I just don't understand why someone wouldn't want babies and children there. I suggest taking them with you tho hun. X

[Ruth_Baldock]

After re-reading... If you and the infants will be made to feel unwelcome, i would stay at home. Or would it be possible to bring your nanny with you to look after LO's and then you can nip off ('scuse the pun) to feed your baby as you need to?

[theasidonio]

This must be really hard, but you also need to see it from bride and grooms point of view. It's their day and if they don't want kids there then that is their choice - they shouldnt have to make exceptions as it may cause upset to other guests who were asked not to bring their kids. I am planning my wedding for next year and am excluding all babies and children under 18 from the wedding - if i included family children there would be 23 extra places, extra mouths to feed. I think also (as it certainly is in my case - bride and groom want their friends and family to enjoy the wedding and a bit of grown up time!)

Can you not have your nanny travel with you and look after the kids in the hotel - that way you can enjoy the wedding and have a bit of time off but still come back to breast feed later? Or you could give this one a miss, let your hubby go and do his ushering thing and you get to spend some time with the kids by yourself?

[VanessaPMR]

Wow, what an invite. Please come fawn over our special day + by special request have large uncomfortable engorged breasts and an enforced 24 hour gap in your breastfeeding routine that risks endangering it all together...to celebrate our love.

Have declined similar invites in the past, and I wasn't even breastfeeding at the time, as I knew I'd miss her more than have fun at the wedding.

On a more conciliatory note, if they've made an exception for you I'd take it. I really doubt they will notice the presence of your DSs at the reception when everyone is having fun and being noisy themselves. I've skipped ceremonies in the past though, even when not asked, as didnt want cries to muffle the important parts of the ceremony for others.

Good luck, its not nice being asked to make such a decision.

[Ruth_Baldock]

I always assumed child-free weddings didn't include babies under a year who were still nursing, to be honest...

[theasidonio]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> I always assumed child-free weddings didn't

> include babies under a year who were still

> nursing, to be honest...

I've never really thought about it to be honest but i suppose it makes sense. I shall have to put that down in my 'things to consider' list for the wedding plans.

[jollybaby]

I can understand why you're not happy about leaving your baby and to me the most sensible solution would be to bring your nanny with you. However if you do go - I'd be very surprised if your baby went off breast feeding after one night apart. I left miss jb for 4 nights when she was 8/9 months old and when I returned we simply picked up where we had left.

As for wedding etiquette we went to a wedding in the Czech republic last year - Miss JB wasn't allowed into the ceremony. I was a little miffed at first but then relieved as the service went on for about 90 mins - for legal reasons the service had to be given in both Czech and English. Mr JB came out looking worse for wear - I had a lovely time drinking coffee in the town square in the sunshine!

[Princess]

I had a similar invite to both a whole hen weekend in Cornwall and the subsequent child free wedding when my second son was just 4.5months and 5 months old. I declined the hen and the wedding but sent my husband to the stag and big day. He had a good time and relished a whole nights sleep in a swanky hotel room!

[ClaireClaire]

If it were me, I'd just try to make a brief appearance at wedding ceremony without baby, if possible? Depends how far away the wedding is, of course.

If that's not possible, I'd probably just miss the wedding. I know it's not ideal, but my pov is that when you have small babies and you're bfing, you have limitations and that's just the way it is.

(Personally, I doubt my kids would have gone off breastfeeding in 24 hours, but that's a separate issue.)

Good luck, hope it works out for you x

[Yak]

We have a similar issue in that I am chief bridesmaid for my best friends wedding in a couple of weeks, and will be leaving our then 1 year old with grandparents for the weekend. I've just finished bf but even still the logistics trying to sort out child care have been occupying my mind pretty much constantly since we knew it was going to be a no babies / children wedding. Brinding your nanny with you, if you can afford it, sounds like a good option.

[Chippy Minton]

If you're uncomfortable and/or it is not convenient, don't go. Your friends will understand (and if they don't, it is not worth worrying about), but after all it is their day and it is an invitation - you're not compelled to attend.

A few years ago, my now sister-in-law got married. Not that we would have wanted to, but there was no chance we could dodge this - I was an usher, Mrs Minton was a bridesmaid and the kids (the youngest of which was only seven months) were bridesmaids. It was a great wedding and we had a great time, but frankly if we'd had the option, we would have welcomed the break if we could have left the youngest - I missed almost all of the photos, we both missed various courses of the meal, we both missed the speeches, we both missed the first dance and we had to leave early. If you can, leave baby at home!

[Monkey]

Stay at home. Really annoys me when people make everything as inconvenient (and costly) as can be for their guests because "it's their day." especially given the fact that your hubby's a usher and presumably already putting a bit of effort in "their big day."

[womanofdulwich]

I went to a baby free wedding when mine was 7 weeks- I left expressed milk with mother in law- 45 mins from the wedding- we popped back between the day and evening do - I fed/ expressed- then went back to the wedding- it was BRILLIANT.Can you do something similar?

[minder]

I think it's really sad when children are barred from weddings. Weddings are a social occasion for families to get together and get dressed up, learn about the wedding ceremony, inside a church etc. and I wouldn't have dreamt of not having children at my wedding.

What about wedding photos and looking back on them in years to come. There will be no childrens faces in them.

[theasidonio]

Each to their own. It may come down to cost. Some people just aren't into kids (oh the horror!) and some may be limited space-wise!

For me personally, we have a limited number that we can afford to invite and we'd rather be able to invite another friend or family member than have a space taken up by a child who won't remember it, get bored qucikly and push a really expensive plate of food around their plate. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - a wedding invite is exactly that, an invite. If you don't want to go without your child then you don't have to go! Simple!

I consulted all of my family and friends before I sent out invites to 'test the water'. One person was upset her 2 year old wasn't invited but all the other parents are looking forward to a night off with grown-up company!

[Saffron]

If you are breastfeeding, and you have to be away for 24hrs in which you can't b/feed your baby, are you certain that you're going to be able to pump enough volume frequently? Otherwise, you could be in for a nasty case of blocked ducts and possibly mastitis!

Yes, that's worst case scenario, but it's something you need to consider.

If you are accustomed to pumping frequently, and you're confident that you can pump enough to make yourself comfortable, then don't worry about it.

If you pump infrequently, you may find that pumping away from home and your comfortable surroundings makes getting a proper let down reflex nearly impossible.

I totally agree with Ruth's point. If a child is under one year old and still nursing, then the mother and child are unit. Where the mother goes, the baby goes. A baby doesn't need an extra seat or extra plate, so there's no expense to the hostess.

Where is the wedding taking place? Many churches now have "cry rooms" or similar nursery areas. Sit near the back and preferably at the end of a row. That way you and Baby can nip out quickly to the nursery if it looks like Baby is going to make a fuss.

Don't let yourself get manipulated (though well-intentioned I'm sure) into something about which you're not really certain. You've said yourself, amydown, that you're not really ready to leave Baby overnight, and that problems with b/fing would be upsetting. Those things are important to you and will stay with you long after your friend's wedding.

Hope it all works out whatever you decide. xx

[cazbee]

We are invited to six, yes six baby free weddings this year. Argh!!!

[Otta]

Haven't read every post, but. just wanted to say that I think people having child free weddings are selfish gits. They claim "it's because we want you to enjoy yourself". Bol!ocks!

Just hope they have kids down the line and are made to feel unwelcome at events.

And yes, I genuinely would have said this before having kids, the idea is outrageous to me.

[Lindsey<3]

Otta Wrote:

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> Haven't read every post, but. just wanted to say

> that I think people having child free weddings are

> selfish gits. They claim "it's because we want you

> to enjoy yourself". Bol!ocks!

>

> Just hope they have kids down the line and are

> made to feel unwelcome at events.

>

> And yes, I genuinely would have said this before

> having kids, the idea is outrageous to me.

Lol this mde me chuckle and I do totally agree.

I'd defo not attend OR I'd simply bring my lil 1 with me not because I think she'll go off of BF just because I'd be uncomfortable spending a night without her and where I go she goes. Simple. Xx

[theasidonio]

'Selfish gits' is a bit much. What 'events' is it acceptable for kids to be excluded from?

There are parents out there that do appreciate a bit of a break every now and then, a wedding is a special occasion that only happens once in most couple's lifetimes. It is not unreasonable to ask people to get a sitter for ONE evening!

[cuppa tea]

I find the idea of child free weddings very selfish and short sighted. I don't understand the attitude at all. It makes me very angry. Children and breastfeeding mothers should be invisible? They don't matter? It's really pathetic. You can't have the attitude that children should be excluded from big ceremonial parts of life because they are assumed noisy, unruly and likely to ruin things and then complain that they want nothing to do with society when they are teenagers and riot the streets. Why should mums be encouraged to leave a tiny baby for 24 hours so that the mum can 'have a good time', when most likely that mum will not enjoy herself for being worried sick about the baby and leaking milk all over a posh dress. I've missed out on several weddings for the same reason, but really, why should I?! It's a kind of sexism.

[theasidonio]

I think a breast-feeding mum and baby would be acceptable to most people. I think older babies and toddlers aren't if you are trying to keep the numbers down due to costs/space - it might be selfish but it's only ONE day. Would you expect children to be invited to funerals too?

[cuppa tea]

Yes I would expect children to be invited to funerals. I've taken my children to funerals and most times the grieving family have appreciated having children there. It's a reminder that life goes on through the next generation. If children make noise or become bored you can take them outside.

Breastfeeding mums are not acceptable to 'most people'. And if an invite says 'no children', it doesn't help you to assume that. If you are trying to keep numbers down, invite less people. It's one whole day, which is a long time to go without breastfeeding a very young baby. It can be a very long time for some 3 year olds! It's selfish make your guests jump over themselves to sort out child care. It wouldn't cost much to have kids at a wedding.