Middle-age Men having no mates......

[TheCat]

Why is it that married/partnered men tend to lose touch with their friends over time? Usually after a number of years of couples most of 'our' friends are actually 'her' friends.

I am in no way blaming women here. Men will let friendships slide, because we can't be bothered. Or we think 'they will always be there'. But women put the effort into maintaining their friendships.

It's just amazing that most circa 40 year old men I know lament a lack of close mates....whereas their partners do not.....

Discuss.....

[TheArtfulDogger]

Speak for yourself whatsyername

[TheCat]

TheArtfulDogger Wrote:

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> Speak for yourself whatsyername

Was waiting for that reply:)......now that this is out of the way......

Of course I'm speaking for myself a bit. So mock away. But am also speaking for a large selection of guys I know.....im not unhappy with the situation,! Just wondering.....

[KidKruger]

Partner control / obligation can mean geezers aren?t able to see mates as often so they drift with time.

[diable rouge]

TheCat Wrote:

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> But am also speaking for a large selection

> of guys I know.....

If you don't mind same sex group hugs, form a support group with them (also a legit excuse for a night out at the pub), before you know it you've got yourself a whole new set of friends. Job done...

[TheCat]

It was a night with the support group that made me ask this very question:)

A very large and random group of 'Dulwich dad's was convened.....we had a good time....but why was meeting random blokes so popular I ask:)

[TheCat]

Also, I know my situation is exacerbated as most of my mates are on the other side of the world, where I grew up....but I don't think immigration is to blame for this phenomena...

[TheArtfulDogger]

Possibly ot could be down to out of relationship activities , or the lack of them.

When blokes are single they do bloke things, football , beer swilling, and other group like activities that keep them bonded.

When a relationship starts these sorts of activities are slowly replaced unless you have a relationship agreement to some "own time" (note this is not the same as getting time out to hump your misses' sister/best mate/brother) this is time to do make bonding things like Saturday afternoon down the den, a Monday night pint or knitting circle (the latter may well be when you hump your other Halfs twin 🤐)

I suspect that a lot of this feeling of loosing your mates is simply moving on from "lads activities" to "couples activities" where beer is replaced by wine, football replaced by baby minding and your mates are replaced by other blokes who have been tamed like you.

I guess the solution is to accept the taming of the male , but have one day a week to rebond with your male friends, drink beer, eat curry and yell at 22 men plus a ref about how good, bad or blind they are.

Maturity sucks my friend but get used to it lest you end up a sad lonely old codger with no better half 🤔

[malumbu]

Interesting question. I think (dare I suggest) a gender difference (in a simple binary gender choice, rather than a more complex reality) in friendships - blokes with groups of mates being more superficial than stronger bonds between women. That said residual social norms in bringing up families ie women more likely to do more of caring (assuming kids) and more of the domestic duties, meaning a greater value in same gender relationships). I may of course be talking bollox. But good to hear views. No doubt there are academic papers on the matter.

[TheCat]

For some reason, I object to the patronising "one day a week to rebond with your male friends, drink beer, eat curry and yell at 22 men plus a ref about how good, bad or blind they are"...

The whole concept is worded like the man should be grateful for his stupid and pointless interests being indulged before more important things are dealt with.....

[Angelina]

I think that's very important.

Some of the guys in my office are particularly tamed - not allowed to choose their own take away, get in trouble if they are home past 9pm (on their one allowed outing), one guy is spending his birthday watching the Tine Turner show (because his wife wanted to see it on her birthday but didn't, because they went out for dinner)....

As a mum, I don't meet as many people as I used to as my social time is spent doing different things and I'm going to bed at the time of day when I used to be getting ready to go out....and getting up when I used to get home.....

[peckman]

Im 45 . I have my core group of mates since my 20s and either acquanencues or husbands of the missus mates . Tbh i barely have time to see my old mates . Once you hit my age you cease to make new mates just mates of the wife .. tbh saves a lot of hassle and cant be arsed anyway

[DovertheRoad]

I think it depends on the person and their specific life history. I'm early 40's and have around 6 or 7 close mates but it's moved from weekly catch ups / pint to meet ups planned well in advance or easier 1:1 catch ups since family life kicked in. When you have kids you realise you have to be less selfish and compromise to make it all work. I don't understand the "taming" thing - it's not healthy and I reckon it's usually down to a lack of trust or insecurity.

It's a constant challenge but we try to split time each week to get a balance between work, family time, one night out as a couple plus perhaps a night out individually with friends every two weeks. The latter sometimes has to give. Plus

with 3 kids under 5 we're often too tired to socialise.

More generally - some friends fade away as you grow/develop and move in new directions. Some of my mates haven't changed much since our 20's - same gripes, same old routine whereas others are constantly exploring new things / interests. So inevitably bonds aren't as close.

[Hemingway]

it's a funny old meander through life male friendship.

Personally I have a fairly large set of proper solid mates from years back (some even primary school) who I have so much history with that we're mates forever. Some still live where i grew up, some miles away, some abroad, one lives local to me nowadays (though I don't see him much) and all very different paths in life but can be like the old days almost straight away, even though I rarely see them. Proper solid mates, never be anything else. Will be at my funeral or vise versa!

Got a few solid mates from when i started work, used to play/watch football with go out drinking with in our 20s early 30s single lives. I went to their 1st (and a few 2nd) weddings etc very comfortable with them but none of these live locally nowadays. But we arrange catch ups, watch a bit of football and cricket together a few times a year plus milestone birthdays etc. Solid and history.

Got a few local friends, mainly with my other half, and mainly my kids friends parents who I just get on a better with than average, normally based on a bit of shared interest and a few camping trips etc. I think a couple of these will be long ter if we/they stay in area

On the whole and getting older I'm not that bothered about new friends although if it happens it happens.

Perhaps oddly I have none (other than loose social media friends) from university

[miga]

I think it's a function of our times.

For example, the reported decline of golf club membership is down to middle aged, middle class men just not having the time to idle away a weekend day with their peers on the golf course. People work longer hours, often weekends, and there's the expectation of "quality family time" too.

Another factor may be that male friendships, in my experience, are activity/interest based; music, sports, clubs. These are all time/brain consuming things. Time and focus eaten up by the above mentioned.

There's a thread of being "put upon" by women in some of the other posts; I really can't relate to that and feel it's a cop out (or the sign of deeper trouble in the relationship).

[PeckhamRose]

I must be really lucky here. My friends love my husband and his friends love me. And I would not DREAM of telling him who or when he could see and he wouldn't dare tell me either.

But a great example of how our friendships have worked is as follows.

I recommended a Humanist Wedding Celebrant to my husband's friend for his son's marriage in Wales. Me and hubby were unable to go. Two days after, husband's friend calls and I answer, and he tells me how beautiful the wedding was, and this man cries down the phone at me with happy tears. Cries. I pass the call on to husband who has not heard any of my side of the conversation.

I hear my husband saying, "So how was it? ... Oh that's great! .... Oh really? ... well done ... 1950s? I didn't think there were any of those around! I had one of those. Yeah sold it a few years ago. What size engine? No, the two stroke....."

Bikes. That's all he and his mate talk about. His mate cries down the phone at me and after a few words to husband they're talking motorcycles. Cracks me up.

To answer the opening poster, if you want to keep your mates, then keep your mates! If she doesn't like them that's one thing, but to make you stop seeing them? Buh Bye!

[TheArtfulDogger]

TheCat Wrote:

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> For some reason, I object to the patronising "one

> day a week to rebond with your male friends, drink

> beer, eat curry and yell at 22 men plus a ref

> about how good, bad or blind they are"...

>

> The whole concept is worded like the man should be

> grateful for his stupid and pointless interests

> being indulged before more important things are

> dealt with.....

No offence implied, it's just a simple fact that in relationships there is compromise and often one day a week away from each other is part of that compromise

However IMHO football is pointless , so you kind of actually describe how it is 🤔😂

I think there is also the opposite situation where a dominating male takes control of the relationship and the lady looses her friends, guess we need to man up and start wearing the trousers a bit more (when we are aloud to LOL)

[peckman]

From my experience ive done my drinking and partying (sadly not much womanising! As me and my friends are gentlemen!) Id much rather spend time with my family and have a whattups group with my old mates who i see once in a blue moon

[Springer]

Artful man you are the man ? Been reading

V your mixing musing for years something tells ne your working class history teaaccer

[Springer]

Men's group ?? Get real ?

[Springer]

Motherland ? Say. No more ?dont beissy

Y

[PSJ]

Good article on male friendship here.https://www.mrporter.com/daily/how-to-make-friends-in-real-life/1932

[Pugwash]

Hubby in his 60s - weekly phone call to one mate who he has known since his 20s, they meet up roughly every 2 weeks either in Redbridge, or London for a lunch time meal and coffee. Monthly phone call with another mate known since 20s, every 2/3 months meet up in town for a pizza. 2 ex work colleagues - irregular phone calls but meet up every few months in Dulwich for lunch time meal. Another friend and the only one married with child regular phone calls and odd meal up town or in Croydon.

He goes out more than me for meals as my friends are usually popping in for cuppas type of people. Having been married for 37 years we have his friends, my friends and our friends. Very rarely does he go out to pub for a drink.

With the Redbridge friend - the 3 of us frequently go out for a meal together.

Even when our kids were younger, hubby kept in touch with friends and although since he has retired has more time and money to enjoy lunch time meals.

[siousxiesue]

How do males of middle age make friends, I'd like to know.

My brother is a loner and I'd like to encourage more social interaction, as it's crucial for mental health. He does not work.

[PSJ]

Hi Siousxiesue,

In my experience and the experience of people I know, it is mostly about getting involved in an activity you're interested in and/or enthusiastic about. Even for solo hobbies there'll be communities of enthusiasts. And there's plenty of things to volunteer in. I think friendships for men are basically contextual. You might get lucky and find a friend for life but mostly they'll come and go.

It won't happen instantly, it takes time and a willingness to make friends. And you've got to know how to be a friend. https://m.wikihow.com/Attract-Friends

Meetup.com isn't a bad place to start to find different groups to get involved with.

https://www.meetup.com/cities/gb/17/london/

This is good for finding volunteering opportunities

https://do-it.org/opportunities/search?location=East%20Dulwich&miles=10&lat=51.45208&lng=-0.06145&sort=distance&order=asc&page=1

I know some people who made a lot of friends playing games like Pokemon Go that make you get out and about and meet other players doing the same - and walking is very good for your mental health.

If your brother is isolated, for whatever reason, just getting out there and getting involved will help - but it will take time and persistence. And it is hard to get out there if your motivation is low, but get started, keep going, be open, and it'll come together.

Best wishes!