Is there ever any pleasing some of you ladies out there?

[xanthe]

Kind of got, well did get dumped by my girlfriend a few weeks ago, (which is probably the reason for my sudden interest in the internet, although I'm not here to pick up women just trying to broaden my social horizons!), but can you believe it, (sorry just had to get this off my chest) she complained I gave her too much attention! (though we both had our own free space and didn't crowd one another, she'd stay at my house and I'd stay at hers randomley), she said one of the reasons she dumped me was because erm....I treat her too good and I work too hard!!! though she never complained about spending my money or ever moaned about me taking her out, she says she wants a bit of rough! but in what sense? to slap her round a bit? to treat her badly? I just don't get it, and there were definitely no complaints in the bedroom department ever, though not trying to blow my own trumpet or anythng, well maybe on my part small complaint as she was a bit lazy where that was concerned, but I was ok with that, There is just no pleasing some women or did I get it wrong? What a way to start the New Year! Sorry folks, just having a moan, nice to do it when you are annonymous he he! I am not for one moment suggesting that any ladies on this forum are or behave like this, just wanted to get a woman's perspective on it as I have not got a clue!!

[Michael Palaeologus]

I have sympathy and empathy, but cant help asking:

What would her side of the story be?

[xanthe]

Honestly I have been as cadid as possible and open, i really, as far as I am aware, have done very little out of line, have learned from past mistakes, have adapted and have changed hopefully for the better where necessary, and where it has been pointed out, one of my friends said it could be that she's just looking for some kind of excuse, maybe she just got bored and wanted to move on to pastures new, well if she did, why dump me this way? why not just say she wants to move on, or tell me, not just say any old thing, Its not like I can't handle it, I just find the whole situation weird and upsetting.

[xanthe]

Yes there are always two sides to the story, I completely understand that, I just feel if there was an ulterior motive then she should have been decent enough to be upstraight with me and at least I could learn from the mistakes I have supposedly made in this relationship, this way gives you no option than to think there was fault on my own apart as opposed to her part, or her unwillingness to be honest or take blame for anything going wrong and instead dumping her guilt on me, but whatever, over it and getting ready for the arrival of 2008 with a clean slate.

[PeckhamRose]

Well since you'as asking a woman's perspective, THIS woman simply responds thus:

Wrong woman.

Move on.

Better luck next time.

Think about whether you like to be in charge in the relationship, or not, or equal as equal can be.

Then make intentions and expectations clear from day one.

;)

Happy New Year!

[xanthe]

And a clear conscience...

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

What kind of woman was she?

Where did you meet and how?

How long where you together?

Did you know eachother for long before you got together?

Was she sexy and adventurous when you met, or more shy and retiring?

What kind of guy are you?

What sort of things get you excited in life?

Are they the same things that get her excited?

Did ahe give any clue's previously that she wasn't happy? did you listen to them?

It seems strange for something like this to come out of the blue but then some people are less able to express their feelings than others.

Hope you aren't taking it too badly, it takes a while to get over a break-up, even if you wanted it.

[Ladygooner]

She was just not into you as much as you were into her I'm afraid. Better luck with the next one!

[Annasfield]

I'm probably not the best person to ask, having "dumped" my last two boyfriends for exactly the same reason.

Sorry Xanthe, but I would assume that the cliche "It's not you - it's me" was probably mentioned at the end? Some of us girls are (admittedly feckin' stoopid) not in to all that romance and schmalz and would prefer a bloke to be a bit more, well blokey. It does my head in when I know more about football than the fella I'm seeing and could probably drink him under the table. For some reason, some of us prefer the bar stewards and aren't prepared to settle for what we might view as second best.

A lot of my mates are happily loved up, but I'm not so sure that happy is the correct word. I sincerely believe that some people have a life plan, whereby they feel that certain goals/ambitions should be achieved by a certain time in their life. I reckon some people "settle" down because they are doing exactly that. Settling.....

I'm not prepared to settle for anyone who I don't feel is right for me. Will probably be single forever but I'll more than likely be happier that way!

Probably not been very helpful - sorry about that! Get down the pub and have a few beers. :)-D

P.S Ladygooner - that is soooo Sex and the City. I like it. ;-)

[LostThePlot]

xanthe Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> there were definitely no complaints in the bedroom

> department ever, though not trying to blow my own

> trumpet or anything,

Well, if you can do that you don't need a girlfriend... ;-)

I have suffered in the past for being "Nice" and thought the old "treat 'Em Mean - Keep em keen" was a bit of macho bull$hit...until I tried it as a test on one GF. I started calling up and cancelling meeting up, saying I was going out for drinks with guys from work, and suddenly everything changed!!! Maybe was just her, but occasionally acting out of character might just help.

Good luck ...

[Keef]

Annasfield Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> It does my head in when I know more about football than the fella I'm seeing and could probably drink him under the table.

Er, you know more about football than most people I know to be fair, and you can also drink a fair bi too ;-)

I think a guy can be blokey and be nice, you don't have to be a total bastard. Sounds to me like your girlfriend was just a knob, and as far as I'm concerned, any girl who says she likes a bit of a bastard is just a fu*ling idiot, next she'll be self harming or something.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

"I'm not prepared to settle for anyone who I don't feel is right for me. Will probably be single forever but I'll more than likely be happier that way!" - I've always had to have the physical chemistry in my relationships, so have ended up with a bunch of arseholes.

I have tried to get my kids to do things the other way round, make sure their partner is nice, respectful and then teach them how to have a good sex life - but my son has very recently split from his lovely girlfriend of 5 years, because the sex fizzled out. He's still good friends with her, but has now turned into a dog with 2 tails following up all the crazy but exciting girls who liked him but were off limits because he was in a relationship. He blames this change in his behaviour on having my genes! He is a lovely bloke and I'm proud of him, but maybe some people have different physiclal needs and no matter how much you like someone, if they can't light your fire, it just won't work.

But it also seems, (in my vast experience of these matters!!) that when you do go for the ones who light your fire, they tend to be crap in all kinds of other ways, so you are destined to have a string of failed relationships.

So the choices seem to be: stable and boring, or exciting and doomed!!

[Keef]

Or exciting and stable, which is totally possible.

I'm sorry, but being a good shag does not automatically mean you have to act like a c**t in every other area of your life.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Keef - This is true, but I never seem to meet nice guys who can shag, but maybe that's cos I'm a bit of a hard-faced cow anyway (and scare off the nice ones)!

[spadetownboy]

i reckon it was just because she didnt want to buy you any crimo pressies,wait till the new year she,ll come crawling back, but be prepared for more of the same next december or your birthday whichever comes first.

[xanthe]

But there you go, such is life, will have to take a page out of "Losttheplot"s notebook, try the treat em mean and be a total bastard tactic, ha! but seriously not in my nature, though it wouldn't hurt to keep someone on their toes and not be as available or easy going as I am usually, don't get me wrong I am not complacent, just easy going, and the fact that I now have 3 missed calls from her on my mobile may mean she has suddenly realised her mistake, or as Losttheplot mentioned, didn't wana buy me no christmas pressies, ha! but alas a little bit too late for my liking and if she is as finicky as she appears, well maybe she did me a favour dumping me as I am now a free agent!

[xanthe]

And Chav there are definitely guyz out there who are shit hot in the sack and who are decent guys!! where do you look for/find your men? Or maybe you do just scare them off with an unconscious "f*** off and leave me alone if your nice" barrier, maybe its you who thinks you are not worthy, so therefore you rule out or put barriers up for anyone who might be good for you.....

[xanthe]

I don't know, maybe just guessing, I can't even sort my own problems out, let alone anyone else's!

[Alan Dale]

Definitely need to stop being such a wimp Xanthe. Don't look for sympathy on the internet when there is probably someone attractive in your office who hasn't got a date tonight.. fill your boots.

Whilst I can understand that some girls would be put off by the over sympathetic bordering on totally wet approach it is only fair to note that many blokes find the beer swilling ladette routine equally unattractive.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

"...it is only fair to note that many blokes find the beer swilling ladette routine equally unattractive." - really? It always worked for me!! Haha

Xanthe - I usually do tend to find my guys under stones, possibly because I hate being patronised, as it's easier to feel superior with pond scum!!

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Something else that just occured to me, is that if I met a guy who was nice, and good in bed, I'd be scared sh!tless so I'd probably sabotage the relationship before he realised what a nightmare I am!!

[xanthe]

Alan am definitely not a wimp, nor did I mention anything about being over sympathetic nor patronising as you seem to suggest either, all I am saying is that I happen to be thoughtful and think of others sometimes before myself, obviously unlike you as your post seems to suggest, nothing wrong with being compasionate and thoughtful to others needs, especially in the sack! I unlike some others do not believe women should be proverbially chained to the kitchen sink, and I approach and treat my other halves as equals while still respecting their individuality, if you call that wet, then wet I am. Relationships with Work colleagues generally are not really a good idea as they do not often succeed and can be awkward and stifling for either party at times, would hate to be joined at hip.

[Alan Dale]

Keep your hair on.

I'm not saying you should marry your work colleague just go and have a bit of fun.

Look where being thoughtful and thinking of others has got you? All dressed up with nowhere to go. Stranded at the drive in branded a fool.

I'm not saying you should chain women to the kitchen sink, unless that's what they're into of course. I'm just saying it's time to throw your balls over your shoulder, get out there and start acting like a man instead of bleating to a load of amateur agony aunts on the ED forum.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but sometimes a little tough love goes a long way. Especially if someone is being a wimp!

[Annasfield]

Hmmm, not sure that it's a "routine" Alan Dale. I just like to go out for a drink with my mates and I find the whole ladette and beer swilling thing quite offensive. You can still be girly and like booze and football.

Everyone has a different type - which is good, because if we all liked the same it would be a nightmare. I personally find someone who I know is predicatble and nice great to start off with, but I know within a month or two I'll be bored. Thats my problem though, so now I don't bother as I just end up pissing the nice guys off.

[Alan Dale]

Annasfield - by all means watch football, drink beer, enjoy your sen.

I find that girls often feign an interest in football when really they are just interested in blokes. I am prepared to concede that you may be an exception to this rule.

Nevertheless I have discussed this with a number of mates before and we tend to agree that we aren't looking for laddish qualities in girls. I can't apologise for that.