how not feel so guilty?

[mima08]

Hiya, little emotional outburst warning. I know there are many working mums who have some feeling of guilt when it comes to leaving their little ones when they go to work - just HOW do you cope? I only work 3 days a week and I am doing something I really love (setting up my own business) and childcare is fab - but I get regularly overcome with feeling tremendously guilty for leaving my son.....and really emotional when I see children, or puppies or kittens or...... how do others do it?

[VanessaPMR]

Ugh, I just soldier on. Am always staring gooey-eyed at others' little ones when on the commute to and from work.

I don't feel guilt as much as heartbreak at leaving her behind.

As she's getting a little older (almost 2years old) its easier as she's become more independent and is clearly having a lovely time without me.

I dont know what to do about it though, I dont think it needs fixing, you just love your kid and want to spend all your time with them. But, we live in a world where that is not possible/or a sensible strategy for many of us.

As one of my more caustic friends has recently reminded me: the heartbreak is permanent, welcome to motherhood.. ;-)

[tiddles]

I am afraid that guilt comes with the package of being a parent!! guilty if you do work (not doing either things properly), guilt if you don't (relying on your partner to provide all the dosh). then there is the guilt of not being good enough at anything - housekeeping cooking, unrelenting cheerfulness and support in everything everyone does, not supervising homework enough - i could go on and on

sorry!!

only consolation is...... everyone I know feels the same!!

[Beagle]

I've realised my maternal default setting is guilt, some days I miss my girl so much I have to sit and look at her picture on my phone (!) However you say you have great childcare, so focus on this. When I am home I combine playing with trying to cook and clean and do other household tasks, and all of them get less time than they deserve. At the childminder she gets to play, and have fun all day and I'm not getting frustrated and short changing her and then we have great quality days together when I am home.

I think as other posters say guilt is instrinsically part of motherhood, just don't let it be the over riding emotion. You being happy in your career will make your home happy, don't feel bad about that.

[treehugger]

My kids are at Uni now, but your post takes me back to my days of being a working mother in ED. I continually reminded myself that my kids were happy and being well looked after and that was the most important thing, my emotions were very of very much less importance, and in the great scheme of things, self-indulgent. I don't want to depress you, but being available when they are teenagers and adolescent is so much more important - they really need you then, emotionally, and it's quite tough because they cut you little slack. At least when your kids are little, they don't really mind or care that it's not you doing the mothering. When they are older, it's you they need (to love them and to rebel against). You just have to do your best and try and enjoy it as much as you can - it's over all too soon, as I am sure your mother has told you! Good luck!

[Saffron]

I remember very clearly my friend sent me a text right after Little Saff was born. It said, Welcome to motherhood! xx. Even then I thought it might as well have said Welcome to guilt for the rest of your life. Two+ years on, and it feels pretty much the same. I totally agree with tiddles. It seems like a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario! Treehugger, it's really nice to hear from someone with older children too.

[Mathilda]

Are you feeling guilty because you think that the best thing for your son would be to be with you all week, and so childcare is second best? If so, is that really true? Can you think of things that your son gets from his childcare days which are different/extra from what he gets from the time with you? Also think of the extra money/stability for the future that you are providing.

Or is it more that just miss your son, if so give it time, as it does take time to adjust.

Beagle I look at my daughter's pic on my phone when at work too :)

[mima08]

thank you all -the reassurance is very appreciated. Yes, it is a mixture of guilt and heartache - totally irrational, as I am also very happy with the current set-up.I know - that sounds mad - another side effect of motherhood ;)It just does good to hear from others and realise it's not just me to feel like this....

mx

PS: I too look at my son's picture on my phone throughout the day - even though I had just seen him....:)

[Claire29]

I sometimes feel guilty for enjoying going to work so much and leaving my 3 boys with the nanny and the chance to be able to read on the train in peace!

[Yak]

Bloody hell, now I feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough!

[womanofdulwich]

Exactly what tree huggger said.Its once they are at secondary school that they really need their parents around. Not 24/7 but available. No one else will do this stint. Its the hardest part in some ways! But we would not be without them. I think some work is important as a role model. Children need to know that women work and are not at their beck and call all day.

You just get used to it in time.:-S

[sylviamaria]

I think guilt is unavoidable as a mum - I feel guilty about all sorts of things (birth, when she is unwell etc etc etc!). I don't actually feel too much guilt about going to work - I think its best for both of us, really. But I do find it hard some days and end up on my phone scrolling through pictures... Today was one of them :-$

[chantelle]

I don't feel guilty at all and would bristle at the idea I should. I have a great work/family balance and a wonderful nanny who is much better than me at amusing and stimulating my children. I love my work and I love being a mum, and wouldn't want either to the exclusion of the other. I treasure watching my children grow up but it doesn't upset me not to be with them 24/7. I understand that many people feel differently though.

[mima08]

Hiya,

I definitely don't think that anyone "should" feel guilty. Quite the reverse, we are all trying our best - so these guilt feelings puzzle me and I wish I didn't have them. I, too, really enjoy my work, and logically know that I have a great setup and it is the best way. The guilt feeling is really illogically - and to those you don't feel guilty: I envy you! :)

mx

[Saffron]

It is not illogical either to feel guilty or not to feel guilty. Different people will feel different ways for different reasons, and these feelings are all valid. The majority of Western women (and many men too I suspect) trying to balance work and motherhood, while often struggling with the budget too, are likely to feel stressed and/or guilty. If you don't feel either, then consider yourself a fortunate person and enjoy it. Equally, guilt doesn't have to be a negative emotion. You can harness the energy in your guilt and use it towards positive activities. xx

[dulwichgirl2]

Errr how exactly Saffron? This "energy harnessing thing" I mean...

[Saffron]

In a nutshell:

Feeling guilty, or any negative emotion, is energy-consuming (time-, thought-, power-consuming, whatever you want to call it). Identify what it is about which you feel guilty. Choose an aspect of that issue that you can address in practical terms. Now put the energy that you would have used feeling guilty and doing nothing, into something practical and positive. It's not meant to cure the situation which is causing the guilt, but by addressing an aspect that you can change, you may feel that you now have more control over the circumstance or that you can be more accepting of the things that you can't change. EG, if you feel guilty about spending time away from your child, pick one day each week when you do a special activity, something only you and your child do together. So, the time and the activity are particular to you and your child, ie not something your spouse or nanny does with the child. It doesn't change the fact that you work and can't spend all your time with your child, but it does create an outlet for the engery that feeling guitly is otherwise using. (Ok, this is just a general example. Applies to everyone a little differently. Hope you get the gist of what I'm explaining.) xx

[berbel]

my baby is 6 months old and i am not going back to work for another 6 months but i am already feeling guilty!!

I have been feeling guilty for one thing or another from the first moment; guilty for being a single mum, for not having her grandmum and grand dad near, gulty about going back to work or not going to work etc. thank you for making me feel like i am not the only one.xxx

[dulwichgirl2]

Saffron, thanks. Basically "do something about it"...

[Saffron]

dulwichgirl2 Wrote:

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> Saffron, thanks. Basically "do something about

> it"...

Yup... although with the recognition that sometimes you can't change the situation itself, the one that's causing you guilt/stress/whatever. You can use the emotions for something productive and positive. Don't get stuck thinking that there is nothing you can do just because you can't change a particular circumstance.

(Then when you think you've got it cracked, around comes something else to feel guilty about. Well that's been my experience anyway. Never a dull moment at least.)