Some advice/a moan:ruby wedding

[Vickster]

Hello all

I would appreciate some advice on whether I am being a grumpy old woman!

It is my husband's parents' ruby wedding next weekend. I have no experience of the etiquette of such things as my parents are divorced. In the first instance we are having to slog up to Bedford for a family lunch. A fairly hefty round trip in one day, and very inconvenient as my little girl basically sleeps over lunchtime and is going to be a real handful. It is in a fairly un-child friendly hotel to boot. So far so ok, if a bit annoying.

I was planning to buy a card and perhaps put together a little photo book for them. I have been informed today that they have requested tickets to War Horse for their gift. At ?110 for two, quite a pricey gift, albeit that it will be split with another sibling.

So my question is, am I being grumpy thinking this is a bit much? Are presents expected? I thought our presence at the lunch was what was expected. And if buying presents is the norm, is specifying what you want a bit on the cheeky side? With the petrol to get there, we will effectively be shelling out the best part of ?100.

I know in the grand scheme of things there are bigger and better things in life to worry about, but it is really winding me up!

X

[Mrs TP]

Oh dear, the event is going to happen whether you are grumpy or not so try hard to put on a brave face and enjoy despite the grief. Who knows it might even be snowed off.

Families are funny things and some go big on events and others barely bother but yes I would have thought more elaborate gifts start kicking in for wedding anniversaries and birthdays ending in '0' / '5'.

I bought my parents a potted bay tree for their ruby wedding - rather bizarre but fitted the bill at the time.

[MGolden]

In-laws are funny things aren't they?!

Do your in-laws usually say what gifts they would like in advance of birthdays etc? If so, this is not that unusual is it. Also probably better for them to say what they would like rather than both you and your husband and their other child buying them something they didn't really like!

I agree with Mrs TP - this event is going to happen (if snow doesn't intervene) and you may as well put a brave face on it. :)

[womanofdulwich]

I assume your in laws are paying for the lunch? In which case then I think you should take a present.

It is a celebration of their marraige which brought about your husband. When you have been married 40 years you realise you may not both be in goodhealth in 10 years time and it is best to celebrate the good times. The present thing is somehting else that really is part of your husbands family culture. SOme parents would say no presents- but sometimes they know their families want to buy somehting and then its best to suggest something that they would like - not a cut class red vase etc etc.

You are lucky its Bedford-it is occasions like this that keep a family together- even thougth they feel a pain at the time. I promise- Can you get the City Thames link from HErne hIll to Bedford?

Neither my parents or in laws made it to 50 years of marraige due to one of them dying- I would have loved a chance to celebrate.

[Vickster]

Thanks for all the comments, guess I just need to chill out a bit. It is hard because my family is so different, not just because my parents are divorced, bur we just don't make a big fuss about stuff, birthdays included. My father in law in contrast, had a huge celebration for his 60th, and then another for his 65th, which I found quite extraordinary.

Womanofdulwich, not sure if they are paying for lunch, had assumed not, but fair point if they are.

[MGolden]

Vickster - it is hard. Of course we marry someone we love not their family but they often come as part of the deal. I know my in-laws are very different from my family and and I know there are times when I feel I need to bite through my tongue!

But if it helps - my husband nearly had a nervous break down when my family announced we were going to a flash restaurant to celebrate my parents 50th wedding annoversary - my dad had at that time been dead 23 years. We said that if they hadn't got married none of the six of us would have existed and so we took my mum out to celebrate and had a wonderful day.

[Vickster]

I have bitten my tongue until it is red raw! I think the underlying problem with this is the cumulative effect of all the expectations over the years. We see them at least three times as often as we see my parents, but that is not enough. We go for the weekend, staying over Sat night, but that is not enough, there is always some mutterings about how it would have been nice if we came on the Friday night etc. However long we go to them for Christmas, there are always several conversations before hand, both to my husband and me, trying to extend it. I know they love seeing their grandchildren, but it is very wearing.

Anyway, moan over. They are lovely people, just a bit irritating, I guess I could have got a lot worse!

That is very funny about your parents 50th wedding though, your poor husband, I can imagine my reaction would have been similar!

[womanofdulwich]

Maybe this will have a silver lining as you see them often enough you will be able to ask if you can leave your daughter with them when you go away to celebrate your wedding anniversary- we all know how important these occasions are and how much we all like to mark them - albeit in different ways....;-)

[MGolden]

womanofdulwich Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Maybe this will have a silver lining as you see

> them often enough you will be able to ask if you

> can leave your daughter with them when you go away

> to celebrate your wedding anniversary- we all know

> how important these occasions are and how much we

> all like to mark them - albeit in different

> ways....;-)

Excellent idea!! :)-D

[Belle]

Hmm I think I'd be a bit annoyed by the present request tbh. Would be one thing if you'd asked 'what wd you like' and that was the response. But I see anniversary presents as more token than something on that scale, so I wd def have had the same reaction. And I do totally feel your pain re fitting little one's sleep etc round the day - the reason we get stressed about this is cos if they don't sleep well it's no fun for anyone, particularly not us on the drive home!

[Vickster]

womanofdulwich - very good thinking

Belle, thanks for the comments - glad i am not alone! The sleeping thing is strewing me out as my daughter is horrendous in the car. She is on the cusp of growing out of her group 1 rear facing car seat, and hates it. In an ideal world she would sleep all the way there, be gorgeous for the entire lunch and sleep all the way back. The reality is, from bitter past experience, she will scream most of the way there, be beside herself with tiredness the entire lunch and be horrid, crash out for part of the journey back, but wake up for another screamfest just as we hit Lnmdon. Oh joy.

[dulwichgirl2]

If they just replied to a question about what they would like, it is one thing. Asking for something is ill-mannered though. I have the same issues with informing people about wedding lists if they didnt ask. We had one obviously but only told those who asked. Otoh, my husband thought this silly of me.

They will be hosting the lunch so obviously you would normally want to take a present. Often something red or to do with forty?

[Monkey]

I hear you completely! My family doesn't make a fuss. My in-laws do and also ask for presents, always have even when we were completely broke. it's always expensive stuff, always trivial and always forgotten within a few months or even weeks. It annoys me intensely. no advice to offer, sorry.

[intexasatthe moment]

Is it possible that the other sibling asked them what they wanted and that the request is a result of that ?

( I've been guilty of similar in our large family whose mother endlessly disposes of carefully selected gifts )

[Vickster]

Intexasatthemoment - if only that were the case. The request was made direct to my husband unfortunately,

[Pickle]

I feel for you, we have very similar situations in our families. Inlaws ruby wedding involved (entirely at our expense) flying to Scotland with 18 month old and 5 week old, formal lunch smack bang in the middle of toddler nap time with no babysitting options available to us, attempting to breastfeed a fussy baby at a table surrounded by 65 year old men (I ended up having to leave the room, my lunch plate was cleared away, I didn't get anything to eat). You get the picture!

The party continued at inlaw's house, we got berated for "hiding the children away"... Which actually just meant it was 10pm and we'd put them to bed. Sigh.

Not the most relaxed I've ever been, and their present was a holiday, split between just two families. Tres expensive!

[Vickster]

God Pickle, that's horrendous! My father in law's 60th (0r 65th can't remember) was a family trip to.....Center Parcs. At our expense, and we all paid for him as well as it was his birthday. Now I have nothing against Center Parcs per se, but spending a weekend of my life holed up with them in a cabin pretending we were having fun was dreadful. I felt even more sorry for my sister in law who had a 6 month old baby, and was expected to bring the baby along to dinner every evening outside the chalet, at about 9pm. How convenient.....

[Saffron]

Can you get in touch with staff at the hotel/restaurant in advance? Even if they aren't generally a child-friendly location, if they know your situation in advance, they might be more helpful.

I don't find your in-laws request strange or extravegant, but I do sympathise with you not wanting to make the drive up with an unhappy Little One. xx

[dulwichgirl2]

Pickle, that is really bad. When you were shattered probably as well from nightfeeds. And to clear away your plate etc and not offer anything further is plain inhospitable.

It used to make me mad that I was always expected to leave the table etc with children even though my husband did more than his share off his own bat. I found it sort of deliberately dimishing of me and almost adult bullying, if that isn't making too much of it.

[Scruffy Mummy]

I think the answer is to start saying no. You're not happy and you are the only person who can change that. And when I say you, I mean all of us not just you personally! If you're not happy, decide where your boundaries are and start to draw them. Will you get flack from his family? Yes but as you are already getting flack who cares? What is more important? Keeping up social norms that make you miserable or living your life happily? You don't have to never see them again but cut down visits by 50% - your partner can visit more on his own if he wants. None of us has to be a martyr - even thougEh the world may expect it of us!!

Personally, I've never dragged my partner to family reunion events and visa versa. It might lead to raised eyebrows but again, who cares? Life is too short. Book yourself into a nice spa break and let your hubby take the kids to see their grandparents.

[Pugwash]

Hubby for his 60th Birthday wanted to see War Horse along with 11 other family members - kids and I started looking at internet prices. There was a deal if you went by rail, you could get 2 seats for price of one.Plenty of the internet sites (The Telegraph etc) have good deals.

Husband decided against 12 of us going to War Horse and managed to get a deal to see Blood Brothers at ?24 per ticket as it was classed as a group booking.

It is our Pearl Anniversary this year - I hate Pearls and have asked for no presents. Hubby thinks I am unromantic and wants me to have something. I have not the faintest idea what to get him

When we had our silver anniversary - we threw a party cost us around ?900 for 40 guests, a live band and catering.

[catgirl]

I do get the feeling that your in laws can't do anything right. You're complaining that they chose a trip to center parcs for a previous celebration, a place which is totally geared around families and children and having fun and presumably chosen with the children in mind rather than them. I know a few people who have gone to CP with grandparents for a family celebration - birthdays etc and all seemed to think it was a great idea. Of course I get that if you don't get on with them, it's not going to be your ideal holiday but then, short of not seeing them, what would you suggest?

The anniversary meal does sound a bit of a chore but it's obviously a big deal for them and of course they want their family there. If it's such a slog to do the journey both ways in one day can you not make a weekend of it and stay over somewhere? and it may not be ideal for your daughters usual routine but surely you can work around it for one day? After all, lunchtime is a pretty usual and reasonable time to have a meal. Presumably if they'd chosen an evening meal instead that would be even more of a problem as your daughter would be in bed.

I do think the prsent request is a bit over the top though. Could you pretend to misunderstand which War Horse they meant and get them odeon vouchers?!

[Vickster]

Scruffy Mummy - that is good advice. I have seriously considered not going, not least because my daughter is being christened in 2 weeks and I have a million and one things to organise that a day without children would really help achieve. Not sure I have the bottle though!

Catgirl, Center Parcs was more by way of example of the financial outlay expectation. At the time I had no children, so it was 6 adults and a 6 month old baby so actually quite an odd choice, but as I say, the venue was not really the issue. Making a weekend of it around the ruby anniversary lunch is a good idea.

Pug wash - thanks for the tips. I will pass on to my husband, as I think the War Horse tickets are a done deal now unfortunately.

[catgirl]

Ah fair enough, indeed an expensive and strange choice to go to cp if only one baby between you!

[Mathilda]

Was going to suggest the same about making a weekend of it - then you would arrive at the lunch relaxed and maybe enjoy it! Ruby wedding is def a big deal, my parents had a big party for theirs.