Other Parents Telling your Child off

[susyp]

Just wanted to vent here as I'm having a bit of a low point this afternoon....

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is quite a live wire. We hardly went to groups at all when she was 2 as she could be so rough and disruptive. I have worked out that when she is bored, or not focused, she tends to be a bit of a handful....

She started nursery at our local school in September - again, there were a few issues but the teacher was briliant and now has her well in hand - did things like sat her at the front of the class (so she would concentrate) etc etc. She is the youngest in the class and we are both now very pleased with her behaviour.

This term we started gymnastics and ballet before school. Gymnastics is 45 mins, I watch, she is great. Ballet is half an hour, I watch, the teacher seems to have no handle on how to teach her and as a result today she really messed around - taking about half the class with her. All the other mums watching got really pissed off - and one of them actually shouted at my daughter as she came out. I'm so shocked. She was just being silly really, showing off - nothing terrible - just intensely irritating. I just spoke to her school class teacher about it and she said she really is fine at school But I can't believe someone shouted at her! I was so shocked I didn't respond at all. So now I;m really annoyed at myself.

I just spoke to the ballet school head and we are now going to try her in a class after school, where there are less children in the class (same teacher though). Although part of me thinks I should go back to the same class and tell this woman where to go.....

Susypx

[SR]

Not sure what I would do in your position, haven't been there myself yet..but...

If you saw all the other mums getting pissed off and felt the teacher wasn't handling your daughter why didn't you take her to the side yourself and handle her to stop the disruption? Why don't you give the ballet teacher tips if you know how to handle her?

[susyp]

The mums aren't in the class, we sit outside. The teacher runs the class. She wasn't being horrendous- always did what she was told , just with the addition of silly faces, things like that. It was all a bit slow I think, problem is I have paid for a term, plus my daughter does love it - woke me up at 5am the other day to show me her arabesque (she wanted to know what it was called).

The other mums are not the friendliest bunch so I don't massively care when they get pissed off. They sit there discussing skiing holidays.

Susypx

[Claire29]

I would have been really annoyed too if someone shouted at any of my sons. If she had of done something dangerous or really naughty ie hitting another child etc I can understand another parent telling her off, but not for acting as most 3 1/2 year olds do!!! My middle son is just over 3 1/2 and he messes about all the time, I think sometimes people forget that they are still so young and yes some children do behave brilliantly at that age but others still have to learn and do get over excited sometimes.

I would give the after school lesson a go and see how it goes, it could be that she finds the class a bit boring?

[susyp]

Hi Claire thanks for your message yes I did just see it as normal behaviour . She loves elements of the clas but I think it is slow and in parts the teacher loses her. I have been through periods (when she was 2) when she would be very rough and to be honest if she is just being silly but nice to other kids I don't tend to get too upset, it's all relative. Plus when she came out I did tell her off - the others heard me - but this woman still thought she had to put her tuppence worth in.

I have in the past told off other children if they have hurt my daughter - as you say I really think that's the only situation you tell off other children, esp if their parents do nothing. No she wasn't upsetting other children, just being very showoffy and silly (irritating!).

Susypx

[SR]

HOpe the new time slot suits. My daughter is not even 2 yet so doesn't go to classes where any level of "behaving herself" is required. I think it's a bit odd that mums were getting pissed off at a 3.5 year old pulling faces, also butting in to give your daughter into trouble after you had handled it is out of order. Worth putting up with the mummies if she is loving the class though.

[cuppa tea]

It sounds to me like the other mother totally over-reacted. She is 3!!!!! Pulling silly faces is not being naughty...maybe she's a natural entertainer? It's a talent all on it's own. If she was having fun and the other kids were having fun and laughing perhaps the teacher thought it was all fine? Isn't ballet at 3 about having fun? How many of them are really going to be going to the Royal Ballet School? If the teacher looks as though she's struggling it might be an idea to give her a few tips on your daughter. You know her best after all. Though I would think if you are teaching 3 year olds you have surely got to allow some level of 'disruption' because of their young age. I would have words with the other mother and ask her (calmly!) to please not shout at your daughter and that if she has a problem with something she is doing then talk to the teacher, or to you when your daughter is not there. It's not nice for your child to be feeling like the naughty one, when it's just typical child behaviour. This sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions and it drives me nuts! Children are not little adults.

[susyp]

i think what has upset me is that I got caught up in when actually i knew she was just being a little (very) annoying rather than naughty. Now want to find a way out of doing this class without my daughter thinking it is down to her behaviour - so may have to see out the term - am on the hunt for another more light weight class though and then a campaign to get the fees back from this one! Thanks cuppa tea your post makes me feel a lot better. I can't believe how seriously the other mothers were all taking it.

Susypx

[madmum]

echo's of my own childhood,,,My mum once said she's an entertainer, a child, a normall child with her own ideas not a trained monkey..and I remeber these words as this was the day that my mother told a very stuck up mum (her childs name just to paint a clearer picture was Pollyannaella bonabatty, I always called her by her entire name) at an over priced ballet school that if she ever raised her voice at me (child ) again then my mum would insist that the stuck up ones child be removed from the school as clearly her career was not of sound mind! this followed by the stuck up one fainting it was sooo dramatic and all the time my ballet teacher stood in first position! A few months later my teacher told my mum " your child will never be a ballerina she is too heavy" I was 6... what followed was unquestionabbly my mothers finest moment (apart from when she told my teacher that just because she is going through an awfull divorce there was no need to take it out on the children and reccomended that she take some leave)bacvk to ballet following this day of enlightenment my mum enrolled me into a tap and Jazz class and I never looked back...There is no way that another parent has the right to shout at your child end of, you are the parent and know exactly what is OTT behaviour and what is your child being funny and entertaining! I love to see kids being kids and not mini adults.

x

[Saffron]

Wow, madmum, bravo to your mother for going in guns blazing! But equally bravo to you too, susyp, for not responding at all. Dignified silence is good sometimes. Probably the worst thing you can do is get drawn into an argument that you can't win b/c the other person is obviously not of sound mind. The other parent was way out of line from what you posted. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Try not to let it get you down. xx

[susyp]

thank you for all your support. Feeling much better today. I'm looking around for other ballet classes but I do however think we are doing too much - feel like I am constantly racing around - so need to find a way to drop the ballet thing without my daughter thinking it is her fault as i did make quite a big thing about her behaviour once we got home - so not entirely sure what to do, thinking on it....!! The other thing I want to do is get the next half term refunded without resorting to threatening to post negative comments on netmums (or not making it quite so obvious that I am threatening!!!).

susyx

[Otta]

If my kid hit another child, or stole their toy etc, I'm fine with another parent telling her firmly, but nicely that that's not nice.

If a parent shouted at my kid, especially for just being a bit annoying, I'd be in an argument with them straight away!

[Otta]

Pollyannaella

It took me 3 tries to actually say that out loud. I guess at least you could choose to be Polly Anna or Ella.

[susyp]

otta that's my husband's pov - he wants to go back next week just to shout back at the mother!

[Otta]

Us blokes know the score ;-)

[bluesuperted]

Madmum, your mum sounds phenomenal!

Susyp, I'd have been livid too!

[newcomer]

Just to play devil's advocate a bit...(and I apologize in advance if this is out of line or uncalled for)

Although it's never right for another mum to shout at your child, I'm trying to see the situation from the viewpoint of the other mums in the class. If your daughter's behavior (albeit normal childlike enthusiasm) is disturbing the class then it's not really fair on the other children. You say that you've paid for a term, but so have the other families. If your daughter needs extra help with the class, perhaps the teacher would allow you to accompany her as an exception? It would probably benefit both your daughter and the other girls?

Anyhow, I'm sure you've already considered all this but just wanted to provide a different viewpoint before you return to the class with guns blazing. I'm guessing the mother who shouted at your child probably just made a mistake out of frustration at a perceived 'threat' to hee daughter's enjoyment of the class.

[Marie81]

Hi susyp, As a teacher myself of a dance class of children from 3-7 it's really frustrating if one child is messing about and disrupting the other children. I think you said above she was only being a bit silly and making faces, I don't mind my kids talking whilst they are waiting to dance and being a bit silly as long as it doesn't distract me from teaching and become loud enough that I have to shh them. But I have one child who always attends every week but spends the time messing about and talking too loudly. She is obviously enjoying herself cos she is always laughing but gets the other kids involved therefore distracting them. I spend my time asking her to sit in her chair and talk quietly and not run around. I don't think it's fair that I have to stop the music when teaching to constantly address her and to be honest don't like to as she then gets upset. I can see it bothers the other parents at how naughty and disruptive this one child can be. It's up to the parents to make sure their children know if they are doing a class that they must behave and listen to the teacher. The one week she didn't attend I hate to say it but I enjoyed the class more as got to spend more time teaching my kids new dances and they all behaved extremely well. I have spoken to her parents to ask if she enjoys the class and apparently she loves it! I am in no way saying your little one is anything like this child but I just wanted to give you another perspective. Oh and I agree it was totally wrong for another parent to shout at your child, if they had a problem they should have spoken to you direct. Some children are not ready for a disciplined dance class, I have had 3yr olds that are fine but also 5yr olds that didn't get on so well.

[Marie81]

One more thing how many weeks did she attend as some children take a while to settle into a class. I have seen this with some of my children, as the weeks go on they learn to be more disciplined in class. It would be a shame to stop the ballet class if she is really enjoying it, don't worry about the other parents.

[karter]

Don't stress i would say and speak to the mother if you can and if you need to.

Has anyone seen the australian drama 'The Slap'.. Now that is a sticky situation. Excellent viewing.

[hellosailor]

1 episode in Karter! Loving it!

[Otta]

Whilst the points from newcomer & Marie81 are fair enough, the point is that the teacher should have a word and be honest of she thinks this child isn't really suitable for the class, and gibe a refund. Any parent who has an issue about it, should first be brave enough to speak to you, and if they can't bring themselves to do that, theyt should have a word with the teacher.

No excuse at all for shouting at the child, end of!

(I know nobody was saying there was an excuse for shouting at the child by the way)

[Marie81]

Otta: I agree the teacher should def tell the parents if there is a problem with their child in the class, I have done this actually on a couple of occasions but they keep telling me how much she loves it! They mother actually said to me that her child was just being a bit of a bitch which I was shocked by! Do you think I should just put up with her behavior and allow her to attend? Or should I say that she is too difficult and distracting and no longer welcome although don't know if I have the heart to disappoint the child as I know she enjoys the class and to be fair is learning the steps and progressing albeit slowly.

[helena handbasket]

Maybe my perception is blurred because my son is one of "those" children, the kind that gets raised eyebrows, and I'm the mum who has endured more dirty looks and sideways glances than I care to remember.......

But....... how are they supposed to learn how to behave in these classes if they aren't allowed to continue in them? The skill component (in my opinion only) comes in later years; I think that preschool classes are meant to learn social skills in preparation for the more serious classes down the road. A three old can't possibly be expected to know why a class is different from being silly at home or at the park. They're just starting to put the pieces together. Sure there will always be kids who seem to just get it right, but what about teaching them the more important virtues of patience and compassion? What message is being sent when we don't support the children who need a bit more guidance?

I really struggle with the notion that a three year old should be excluded, for any reason. As a teacher, I always considered my role to be to teach the "whole" child, and this is what we call a teachable moment (meaning a moment for the teacher to learn something). Children come with all sorts of strengths and challenges, manifested in a million different ways, and we as adults need to respect that.

susyp I would absolutely look for a more inclusive and supportive environment for your daughter. The messages she learns about herself right now are the foundations for her future growth. Her ballet career has just begun! :)

[Marie81]

helena handbasket: I agree with you, the children aren't expected to come in and know how to behave straight away but they should def get the message by the third of fourth class which by then I will have told them the rules of the class i.e. come in and sit down quietly and change their shoes (I help them with this of course as some parents just drop them off and leave me to change their shoes!). They develop patience and the discipline as the weeks go by that is for sure is my class anyway. I personally think 3 is too young for a dance class and that it is more suited to children who have already started school and therefore will be more used to behaving in those situations. Although the particular problem I am having if with a 5yr almost 6yr old who should know better!