What would you do???

[123ed]

I'm faceing a big dilemma. My Hubby was offered a job ( which is great but) based in Hong Kong. It's a great opportunity for him, his carrer, masive step up (not money wise as such but great for experience).

I'm very happy for him but cannot get over fact that we'd have to move so far. It wouldn't be so difficult for me if there were only two of us but we have two kids under 3yo. I don't really want them to see their grandparents only once a year. There are few other things that make me unsure...

What would you do??? Would you go for it??? Have any of you lived there and can give me some advice, please.

What are your thoughts?

Many thanks

[womanofdulwich]

I would be tempted but put a time limit on it. I bet if you told your family you were only going for 3 years ( say) then they would all come to see you. However it is quite an ex pat lifestyle _ i think -so it depends on you too. I think you need to be sure about things like nurseries/ mothers and toddlers groups. Can you leave the children behind and pop out for a week to see what you think? His company (prospective) will probably have some kind of info pack for people in your situation? Good luck,

[jollybaby]

One of my good friends moved there 3 years ago with her then 1 year old son. She was also 3 months pregnant at the time. Overall she's really enjoyed living in hong kong and they don't have any imminent plans to return. Her life is very different - her first home was an apartment on th 64th floor and she has a maid or helper as they call them - which is pretty standard amongst the expat community.

Am sure she'd be willing to have a chat or email you. Let me know if you want me to put her in touch with you.

[lenster]

I grew up in Hong Kong. I left when I was 18 so not lived there since having a baby, but my folks are still there so I fly back every other year.

Happy to have a chat.

xx

[Moos]

I did too, and I know a few people who've moved there in the last few years, with kids. Apparently an incredibly family-friendly place. It's also absolutely tiny so you'll see your other half pdq after he leaves work. If you are thinking of working too, it's a great place for professional women - very meritocratic.

Happy to discuss.

[candj]

Hi 123-

We did it and with three young children (ages 6, 4 and 8 months)! We moved to HK this past summer and LOVE it. It is incredibly family friendly, you can have help (maids, cooks, nannies, drivers) and life is very easy. We lived for a time in Shanghai a few years ago and moved back to the UK for two years then decided we much rather enjoyed our life on this side of the planet. My husband opened an office here so it was partly motivated by his profession, as well. The international schools are tough to get in to, but hopefully your husband's company have a debenture system that can help.

Obviously I miss ED, our friends in London and our home (rented out to friends), which is why I read the EDF still, but have to say it's fab. I also loved my childrens' school in London, but their current school here is excellent (the best in HK) and they have friends from so many different parts of the world. Also, HK is only a direct flight away from the UK and your family and friends will want to visit you.

Please PM me if you want to chat about specifics, but I'd be more than happy to help you with anything.

Good luck with your decision, you won't regret it!

[Saffron]

Hi 123ed-

What are the 'other things' that make you unsure? My brother, his wife, and their then 2 yo daughter lived abroad (Jakarta) for 2 years. My brother worked really hard and was hoping he would be made partner b/c of his willingness to work overseas. It didn't turn out that way in the end. In fact he was made redundant due to internal company issues. Corporate loyalty -- hah! My brother enjoyed living abroad, though his wife found it a strain due to cultural differences. I think they both felt a little cheated that their time and effort abroad was never rewarded by the company.

So if you think there are company politics afoot, it's just worth considering all angles before you go. Would you still enjoy the time overseas even if it didn't really turn out to be a step up careerwise? How would the company feel if your husband turned down the position? In other words, is he being pressured to go?

Why would moving abroad mean only seeing grandparents once a year? Are they unable/unwillig to fly out to see you? If you fly to see them, and they fly to see you, you could all see eachother three or four times a year. Or, could they come once a year but stay for an extended time, say 6 weeks?

[Otta]

Personally there is no way I'd move so far from the grand parents, as they are such an important part of the kids lives.

Every situation is different though.

[candj]

Agreed Otta. In our case, both sets of grandparents (who travel a lot anyway) have to take a plane to the UK so it didn't matter which direction they were going - towards Europe or towards Asia. It would be hard if you were leaving family for the first time and moving country is incredibly stressful (I won't lie!).

[ClaireinSE22]

Dear 123ed,

Overall, I get the feeling from your post that you are not very happy about this idea - much as you want to be supportive of your husband. I really feel for you because I would really want to do everything I could to support my husband and to try and make him happy (hope he doesn't read this). Having said which, if he got a dream job 10,000 miles away, I'm afraid he'd already know what my answer would be and it's not child-friendly. Suffice to say he'd be living his dream on his own. But maybe you are more open to moving overseas? maybe part of you is quite excited by the idea? You don't say if you have lived overseas before so I assume not - is it something you have ever wanted for yourself? It is a HUGE ask on his part....if you haven't already, you should discuss in advance what happens IF you were to go a) what's the get out plan if you are unhappy there b) what's an acceptable time frame for 'giving it a chance' c) what is available to you to help you cope with this huge change - e.g. will you get some help with childcare so you can spend time rebooting? how often will you be able to fly back? how much time will your husband be able to spend with the family? Like so much in this world, I fear filthy lucre comes to bear - Hong Kong may be a wonderful lifestyle if you can afford a decent sized apartment, staff, lots of UK flights, etc - but not all ex-pats live like the British Raj.

If it were just the two of you, clearly there would be less hand-wringing, but a Mummy's wellbeing and sanity is especially precious because if Mummy is not okay and is unhappy then the whole family is unhappy. I'd also like to put in a word for the Grandparents because they get taken for granted so easily - all of that free childcare, emergency loans etc. gets forgotten. What do they think about it? Are they mobile enough and affluent enough to travel to see you? Perhaps they would be happy to sacrifice seeing the Grandchildren so often so that your husband can make the most of this career opportunity? It should be a decision the whole family makes together - that way you won't feel burdened by being solely accountable should things go tits up (which ever way you decide) - it shouldn't be just YOUR big dilemma. Talk, talk talk - and I hope you all reach a decision that feels right.

[123ed]

Hi Everyone

Thank you all for your comments.

It's not just MY big dilemma, my Husband is not 100% sure either although he's obviously a bit more tempted than Iam.

Problem with seeing grandparents is not the only one I fear but it's the biggest as I know they wouldn't be able to travel so far becouse of their age. There is lots of other things. I lived overseas few times before; first as a student(which was an adventure) and then for few years after we got married but it was only around Europe. I know how stressfull it is to move to a different contury far from people you love and friends, trying to build your life again and I'm worried that it will be so much worse this time as it's so far and there is not just two of us. The other thing is that I'm not sure how far would our money go. From the research I managed to do it looks that we'd be able to live similar life to what we have now (not even close to British Raj!) but is it really worth it?

The only advantage I see in all this is my husband's work experience and for all of us to see a bit of Asia, but what if I'm too sceptic and he'll miss a great chance just becouse I'm afraid of that massive change??? I'm not sure what's more terrifying for me...

[KidKruger]

Embrace it as chance of a lifetime.

You can always come back but may not be able to recreate the opportunity.

Children would enjoy the change it'd be exciting for them.

UK not in a brilliant place right now - it may be very refreshing being somewhere positive and vibrant.

Kids handle this kinda stuff fine.

With modern comms and Skype there's really only hugs and babysitting that will be missed.

Plus everyone will come see you there so get a big place.

[newcomer]

We did it! We moved out to HK last summer with my husband's job and I totally love it! As candj says, the lifestyle is great.

In my opinion, ClaireinSE22 hit the nail on the head when she said it comes down to 'filthy lucre' - you really do have to consider whether the position would include a substantial housing allowance. Unfortunately this is actually pretty key to how much you'll enjoy living here as the cost of renting housing is unbelievably expensive. If you have a good allowance, then you'll probably love Hong Kong as the financial advantage you get here of having such a low tax rate would allow you to lead an enviable expat lifestyle with your kids (playdates on the beach, country club or wakeboarding at the weekend, Thailand for Christmas, live-in domestic help, etc etc). If you don't get any housing allowance with your husband's job, then you need to do your sums carefully as HK is an expensive place to live and you pay more than the UK for the sort of 'luxuries' that a lot of ED parents take for granted (eg, organic food, organised activities for the kids, etc).

Here are the other pros and cons.

PROS

Fantastic expat lifestyle.

Great weather most of the year, except summer when it's very hot and humid.

Very good healthcare system.

Excellent schools, albeit very hard to get into and very expensive.

Relatively inexpensive domestic help, which allows you more time with both your kids and with your husband.

Very safe city (I feel much safer here than I did in London)

Feeling of prosperity and hopefulness re the economy.

All that extra sunlight makes it easier to stick to an exercise routine! (well, at least it did in my case...)

CONS

Expensive housing.

Pollution, especially if you live in Central/Mid-levels etc.

Far from the UK. 12-13 hour flight.

Hot and humid in summer months.

Insects. (This isn't a major con, it's just something I noticed when I first got here!).

I'm also happy to be PM-ed if you'd like any extra info. Good luck with your decision.

[Soulking]

Hi 123ed,

We just came across this thread and were wondering what decision you came to? We are in a very similar situation. An opportunity to move to Hong Kong for 2 years has come up - and we are giving it serious thought. My wife and I have a lot of the same concerns, but are also worried about schools for our 3 year old, as if we're out there for 2 years we'll be missing the start of reception/primary school and aren't sure where this will leave us given how oversubscribed schools are here. I'd be interested to hear what peoples experiences of moving into this area with school age kids have been.

If you have/are going we'd be really interested in hearing about your experiences.

On the accomodation/finances side of things I'd also be interested in hearing where people have moved to in Hong Kong.

[awilliams123]

Hi 123ed, my situation is a little different, not moving abroad, especially not to Hong Kong, but I am from abroad living in the UK. Just my 2 cents, if you are used to having loads of family around, you will miss it. I think living somewhere new, everyone can adjust because it's all new and can be quite exciting, and if you can deal with being on your own (no including hired help) you could probably do it and enjoy it a lot. However, if you feel as though seeing family often is a part of your family dynamics on which you currently rely heavily, moving far away might be difficult for you. It all really depends on what mindset you have if/when you move. Be prepared to be extremely open to forming close relationships with new people quite quickly (can be scary as I've found it hard to trust people as I've gotten older). You're kids will make friends wherever they are, such is the nature of children. I could be quite exciting and quite an adventure for you and your husband, and if it's only for a short time (in the grander scheme of things) why not? the internet is a great way of keeping in touch with family, skype has been a massive saviour for me! Hope you make the right desicion, whatever it may be.