Maternity nurses

[zeban]

Hmmmm.. I just find it a bit sad really.

[Belle]

sad that mums might look for help?

[zeban]

Sad that people don't want the downsides of babies. Sad that people think all babies are the same. Sad that they make it into another competitive thing.

[snowboarder]

zeban - sorry I think you are treading dangerous ground here - I think I read you don't yet have children? (Sorry if I have got that wrong) I know it's a cliche - you just wait etc - but seriously I would probably have said that myself 3 yrs ago. Nothing I read or watched or even experienced through a relative or a sibling prepared me for the absolute tiredness and stress of early parenthood. Maternity nurse/doula/midwife/cleaning help...if any of these make this period more enjoyable then they should not be discounted or sneered at....

[srisky]

Maybe maternity nurses provide a range of services from the type that Moos described to the type that alieh described.

My mum did for my husband and me what the maternity nurse did for Moos and for that I am soooo grateful.

I can not describe how exhausted I was after giving birth to my daughter, without going into huge detail: I had 3 nights and 2 days of contractions without any real sleep, apart from the odd nap, plus no food for the whole of of the last day of labour, as I kept vomiting it up.

Fortunately, I didn't have to stay on the post natal ward (no idea how I would have coped - much respect to those who had to stay) and was home at 4am, 4 hours after delivery. I was so tired that I was breathless after walking up one flight of stairs.

That night/morning mum took my daughter into her room and rocked her for the next few hours, as she had developed an immediate aversion to the moses basket and would scream if we tried to put her down. My husband and I managed a few hours of precious sleep, interrupted only by my mum bringing my daughter in for her feeds.

I really do not how either of us would have managed without help that night, the sheer delerium from the lack of sleep would actually make us dangerous parents (I'm sure I would have fallen asleep on my daughter whilst attempting to bf).

I wouldn't judge anyone for hiring some help if they are not as fortunate to have support at hand.

[Otta]

zeban, are you just having a dig at moos here?

[zeban]

I don't agree- It's not about 'help' at all. It's a maternity nurse.. it's ridiculous! it's called parenting no? midwife/cleaning they're different. Have the confidence to do certain things yourself!

[Otta]

zeban, are you just having a dig at moos here, because that is how it looks?

[zeban]

No I'm not having a dig at Moos at all. Moos does sound like hers was more practical so I'm sorry if I seemed to be attacking you. It's the 'sleep training' thing I find pretty sad.

[srisky]

In some cultures around the world women who have just given birth are literally not allowed to do anything other than rest, feed and bond with their baby. Relatives, friends and local community rally round and help with everything else. Often they may have their mother or mother-in-law staying with them to cook, clean etc.

Before anyone says it, I know it's not everyone's ideal situation to have their mother/mil staying with them but that's not the point here! ;-) It's about new mothers (first, second, third time round etc) having a chance to recouperate and bond with their baby without worrying about more mundane things aswell. So, it's not all modern day lazy parenting.

[zeban]

Perhaps I do find it sad that people hire people to do this rather than get their family and partners involved.

[minder]

Didn't know 'maternity nurses' existed really until now - wouldn't they just be a live-in nanny on hand to help with feeding/sleeping?

How did our grandmothers/great-grandmothers cope after the birth of their 6th, 7th, 8th child? And without all the mod cons we are used to today.

[candj]

I never had a maternity nurse until I had my third child. He was 10 weeks old and my husband had to go out of town for 10 days on a business trip and he (my husband) insisted on me having some help in the evenings/night. My mother usually helps out but as she lives in California was not able to come out this time. The maternity nurse was absolutely lovely and all she did was bring my baby to me during the night when he woke up so I could feed him (bf) then she would change his nappy and settle him back to sleep (shush pat method) in his own room. He was still sleeping in his bassinet in our room but for this period we moved him to his own room otherwise it would have been a bit difficult. She never let him 'cry it out' as she didn't believe in that method and this I know because I would have heard him. This enabled me to get some rest and be a sane mother during the day and function properly getting my girls ready for school, allowed me to jump into the shower, help girls with homework, and then have my son all day without feeling like a zombie.

It was a luxury and a life saver for which I make no excuses for and resent whoever it was that said it was fobbing off childcare responsibilities to someone else.

I have the maternity nurse's contact details should anyone need her as she works a lot in East Dulwich (Moos, I wonder if we had the same one??).

[Moos]

This room of the forum only works because there's an unwritten rule that in order to foster honest sharing of experiences and choices, we try not to make harsh judgements on each other's parenting. Lots of people expressed reservations about maternity nurses in response to the OP, but they were all done politely. I came on to give my experience because I thought it would be helpful to give a different perspective and (now that the original question has been answered), to talk about other reasons why someone might use a maternity nurse, and candj has now expanded on that: help with breastfeeding, support with older children etc. zeban, I find your comments using strong pejorative language like "ridiculous" and "sad" that someone might pay for help unbecoming and they contribute nothing but bad feeling.

Anyway, back on topic - I can completely see why a mother might have a mat nurse with 2nd or subsequent kids (esp with husband away! Eeek!!!) but we chose not to repeat the experience with Twosling, and just shoved him in our bed. Once his tongue-tie was fixed, breastfeeding was easy, and I felt more confident second time around, and quite frankly didn't really give a damn that the house was a mess. However, one of my best friends had a mat nurse with both her sons, and as a formula-feeder she found the help and rest and establishment of a routine invaluable. I'm going with the horses for courses line - with the proviso that some horses are lucky to be able to afford additional help..

[zeban]

I'm sorry I get pretty het up about certain things. I work in Clapham and it's full of Mum's who are horribly competitive and everyday make me wonder what having children actually means to some. A woman told me she has a nanny 3 times a week even though she's a stay at home mum which I'm afraid I find depressing. Yes I'm being judgemental and no as everyone knows I don't have kids but some of my best friends do and they cope just fine. Some are even single parents so don't even have help from husbands/partners let alone are in the position to hire help. My best friend is on her third- had her first when she was 19 and the last two at 27 and 28, and is taking it in her stride so sometimes I do wonder if some people don't want the downsounds of parenting rather than it being about being 'lucky' enough to hire help? It's just a thought.

I do have my reservations about some 'modern parenting' shall we say, and I think that's ok but I agree overall horses for courses. I will try to keep my strong opinions to myself as I don't want to create bad feelings.

[ClareC]

Bit of a backhanded apology there.

Having help does not make anyone a bad parent, if anything it will make better parents who are not tired and stressed.

Years ago people had extended family living locally who helped out. Hospitals kept mum and baby in for a couple of weeks, mums sleeping in the ward, babies in the nursery to ensure mum got some rest before going home - how is that any different?

I am sure there are people who have children but don't really want the responsibility, I've yet to come across such person either personally or on this forum. The family room posters are on the whole very supportive of one another

and accept different parenting styles.

I find it sad that someone with no personal experience of what it is like to have no sleep 3 nights on the trot while giving birth and then be sent home to care for a baby, with the accompanying sleep deprivation, has such a strong and quite frankly ignorant opinion on those that recognise they need help and seek it.

I didn't have a maternity nurse but was lucky as both my babies slept 3 hours between feeds, a lot don't! I also have a partner that works from home with flexible hours, again unusual. Add other children to the mix and it's a recipe for a very tired, stressed mum. I openly admit that I cope as well as I do because I have far more support and help (given our family circumstances) than most if not all of the other mums I know. I still have difficult days!

Paternity leave is only 2 weeks and that is in the main unpaid! How a sleep deprived new mother with no family close by should simply 'get on with it' or be classed shirking their responsibilities Is beyond me!

[KatharineM]

mmmmm...!!!????

[new mother]

Z, you come across as an articulate intelligent person. It surprises me though that you have never learned at school/thereafter simply to answer the question. You have introduced other issues which were simply not asked for and which I am not interested in.

I want people to know and learn from the approach that maternity nurses take so if anyone has used one or wants to comment on their ideas, please do so. Otherwise, please have the courtesy to "switch off the television set and go and do something less boring instead" - you have to be a certain age to get this!

[zeban]

That's a little patronising new mother. I've been to uni and done a postgrad, I know how to answer a question but this forum is also about debating issues which I don't think there's anyhing wrong with. I know people don't tend to like debating issues in the Family Room but hey, sometimes I think it can be interesting albeit clearly a little controversial.

[bluesuperted]

The Family Room, in my opinion is all about support and supportive debate. It's not the Oxford Union or Newsnight and for good reason - in most cases people are discussing personal topics that resonate with themselves and their family. As such I agree with Moos' 'unwritten' rule of not being too heavy-handed but obviously being free to offer opinions kindly, and think most people do a great job of this.

Can I suggest you have a look at the WYOO board on babycentre.co.uk? Lots of very controversial debates and subjects on their connected to parenting, the universe and everything, you might enjoy it more!!

[zeban]

I'll stay here thank you very much! The forum is also supposed to be welcoming :) I haven't said anything others haven't already said so I'd prefer it if you didn't attack me. I have qualifications in child psychology and best friends with children not to mention having grown up in a big family with children around me. I'm perfectly entitled to have opinions on parenting. No one is holier than thou and not judgemental, I'm probably just being a bit more vocal with my opinions but I haven't said anyone here are bad parents and I never would.

[bluesuperted]

Not attacking, not suggesting you leave (that would be absurd, it's a public forum!). Just suggesting something else you might like if you want to have more controversial debates.

[zeban]

Oh ok. Cool :)

[bluesuperted]

Would just like to point out my their/there error above as am not going to edit that post but realise I committed a heinous grammatical crime, argh!

[Moos]

Ach, I can live with being called a bad parent by a stranger on the Internet!

But to the topic, we've mentioned "modern parenting", but maternity nursing is not a modern phenomenon, surely, just a modern label. It was completely normal a few generations ago to hire wet-nurses, unthinkable today, and pretty much anyone who could afford it had domestic staff (eg a doctor's family, or a vicar's family) which is now the province of the very wealthy. And as someone has already said, most people lived in tighter communities to which they belonged all their lives, and big families helped each other out.