Babies after 40

[helena handbasket]

I had my son at 36, which at the time seemed really old! But now I am on the other side of 40, and my almost five year old really seems to need a sibling. Thought I would be fine with one, and actually like it accept for the fact that watching him yearn for a sibling breaks my heart on a daily basis. Also my husband and I are older and have very small families, so by the time my son is 40 he could very well be completely alone. I almost can't breathe when I think about that.

Anyhew, biology doesn't seem to be on my side and I'm fully aware that it might not happen, but mentally can't slam that door shut. I don't have any friends that have had babies after forty, but have a feeling it's not rare on this forum so looking for a bit of experience in this area.

How hard is it, really, to conceive at this ripe old age? I am curious about those who have (how long did you have to try) and also those who have tried but have given up? How long should one try before it's really not looking good? I've read some statistics and have chosen to sort of ignore them, I want to know what real people have experienced (plus the numbers are depressing).

Any thoughts and experiences on this are welcome. I'm not one of those people who gets dramatic about 40, but it really does feel a bit like a new wilderness.

[cuppa tea]

I read somewhere that the highest rates of abortion are for teenage girls and women over 40...

(haven't got time to google it now) which I would imagine means that women over 40 assume that they are not going to get pregnant as they are told constantly that their fertility will be zero. I am 38 myself, but know a couple of people who became pregnant at 40 on the first shot, so to speak! I wouldn't assume that you have no chance of becoming pregnant because of your age. It probably depends on all kinds of things, health, stress levels, your own biology.

When we first tried for my 1st child at 33, I was so convince I would have fertility trouble because of reading so much about it in the papers. Needless to say he arrived very quickly. I think we are so bomarbed by the idea that we are old primates past 30 that we believe it! Life isn't always determined by generalised statistics anyway.

I also think your son will be fine with whatever you decide to do. However many siblings or none, make us who we are and neither is better or worse.

[zeban]

My Mum had my brother at 45. He wasn't planned as she was on the mini pill and didn't expect to get pregnant!

[simonethebeaver]

It's all anecdotal, but my mother had me at 43, nine months after she married. She then had two miscarriages (I think. It could have been three.) and gave birth to my brother 28 months later, a month after her 46th birthday.

Good luck! I know there are ways of measuring fertility to some degree but I'm not sure how useful those are? I'm also sure I read that lots of stats apply to women having their first child, so wouldn't apply to you.

[gwod]

I had my youngest child when I was 38. I thought it may take a while to get pregnant because of my age but it really didn't (hence 15 month age gap between my 2 youngest). I know 3 women very well who have had children in their 40s...two of them planned. My impression is that they found the pregnancy more tiring than in earlier pregnancies but conception, birth and general health of everyone concerned is fine. Best of luck with your decision. I hope you go for it - you always sound like a great mother!

[mummynegin]

A friend of mine had her first and (so far) only baby at age 43. She'd only met the father (now her husband) 6 weeks before she got pregnant. Because of her age she just assumed she's never have children. They were both really thrilled as he's older than her, so he'd assumed he'd never have a family either. She didn't have any problems with the pregnancy or birth and their son is healthy.

[GinaG3]

My mother had my brother at 40!! If you want to do it go for it.. Its each womans individual choice (obviously). Whereas a fair few women have children in the earlier stages of their life and then enjoy 'freedom' in their later years, a lot of women also enjoy 'freedom' in the earlier stages and then enjoying bringing up children in the later years. Many women still get pregnant, whilst under the assumption they may not be able to produce children so easily as they could of before (I too have heard abortion rates are high in 40+ year old women, as they don't realise how easy they can actually get pregnant). My aunt is 40 and hasn't had children yet, she would like to, speaking the other day she kept mentioning time being on her side but the reality is, she is probably thinking time is ticking a lot faster than it actually is. Lord, some women are even still able to have children and give birth to healthy offspring at 60 something, although I'm sure everyone is aware this is quite a rare occurrence (and peculiar IMO).

I say, If its what you want, GO FOR IT! Good luck with your decision.

[The Nappy Lady]

HH - not sure if you know my story as I have posted before.

I had my first very easily at 35, then had 3 very hard years -

Miscarriage at 6 weeks

Miscarriage at 8 weeks

Ectopic & loss of a Fallopian tube

Miscarriage at 12 weeks

Then, having always got pregnant easily, didn't catch for 13 months.

Gave up & accepted we would only have 1 child

Found out I was pregnant two weeks later & went on to carry C & give birth easily in the October 7 months before turning 40.

When they investigates the miscarriages they didn't find any reason (but this is common, only about 6% of recurrent miscarriages can be clinically diagnosed). I'm convinced it was down to my age & quality of the eggs. The ectopic was just bad luck.

I found the first year of motherhood with number 2 much more tiring. The pregnancy & birth were fine - as you can imagine we were so happy.

I know quite a few over 40 Mums who had no problems at all, so I'd say go for it & see what happens....if you don't catch after 12 months def. See a doctor - personally I'd go at 6 months & say you've been trying a year given you may have to wait for a referral. Be prepared that the risks of miscarriage are higher BUT remember this is usually nature doing the right thing & discarding an embryo that is not viable anyway.

I'm sure it will all work out well. The 4 & a bit age gap between my 2 is actually great & they really adore each other so I'm glad we produced a sibling, but if we hadn't life would just be different, not better or worse.

Good luck.

Xx

[millie42]

Hi there and I would suggest you go for it. I had my first son at 38 and second at 41. luckily, both were conceived immediatelty once we started trying and both were easy pregnancies. Everyone kept telling me it would take ages because of my age but just not true with us. Totally knackered all the time now but probably would have been had I had them in my 20s. Having spoke to a number of medics its clear that fertility is linked to many more factors than simply age (family history, individual history, smoking, stress and diet etc). If you conceived easily the first time I am sure you probably will again. My nuchal reading for number one was that of a 26 year old and for number two that of a 22 year old so dont try not to worry abut that too much as well.

My sugestion would be to ditch the statistics and hit the red wine!

Good luck.

[helena handbasket]

Hi ladies, thanks so much for all the great feedback and kind words.

As things stand, we had decided to see what happens, so a few months ago we "pulled the goalie" lol as my husband calls it. With my first it happened easily, so this time it's been seven or eight months and I'm wondering how many tries is too many. But I like Molly's advice that a year of trying sounds normal, so will plug along awhile longer and then cry to my doctor about my old eggs.

I know there are loads of factors, but I think in our case it's rusty parts. Also there's the reality of two forty-somethings with a small boy who gets up early....... we're not exactly in our "rabbit" years anymore, if you know what I mean. I've always been one to know my cycle and that worked last time, but that doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Oh well, needs must.......

What I'm struggling with is being in emotional purgatory; it's not enough to just decide you want your family to be bigger. You have to at the same time decide it's okay for it to not happen. I'm finding it hard to be okay with one (which I sort of am) while trying to consider life with one more. My poor brain doesn't work that way. I guess it's the same at any age, but I haven't felt the door closing before. I don't just hear my clock ticking, suddenly it's Big Ben gonging in the background!

It's great to hear that there are lots of real life examples of 40ish mums. Sounds like drinking wine and not wanting it to happen is the recipe for making it happen!

[cuppa tea]

There's alot to be said for relaxing about it all. (Not that I ever did this, I was totally neurotic!!) With our second it took a little longer and I did somehow come to terms with the idea of having one child, in my head...which was a good process to go through really. As soon as I didn't care quite so much about it I fell pregnant. I have a friend (our first children are the same age) who was 40 and tried for a year, (by which time everyone else is onto their second child and she found this hard) and then fell pregnant with twins naturally! I am sure I have also read that as you get older in childbearing terms you body chucks out a load of eggs at once! She was over the moon anyway.

[ad2000]

I can only echo what a lot of what has been posted. I had my son at 37, 2 months before my 38th birthday, a miscarriage at 40 and this year had my daughter a month before my 42nd birthday. I had tried for about 7 or 8 months the last two times, and when I decided not to actively "try", she was conceived. My midwife said something about fertility going up in your early forties (hence lots of women back in the day being 'caught' when they thought they were having the menopause.)

Good luck with what ever you decide. x

[new mother]

I wonder why fertility would go up? That doesn't make sense. A late splurge of egg releases does make sense, hence some of the non identical twins you see everywhere, but that "reminder" generally happens earlier eg 35 ish before fertility starts to decline significantly.

As regards not trying, for women with infrequent ovulation, I can see that less stress could help the cycle to sort itself out. For others, I really don't understand it and, yet, suffcient numbers do seem to report "relax and it will happen" as doing the trick.

Otherwise, my observation is that my friends and I who had hildren around 35/37 had no problems. Some then had problems later but some didn't. The ones who didn't were significantly fatter than the others and drank more! I am serious. It seems crazy but there it is. I think that the old fashioned view of hips and boobs might be accurate and maybe the drinking results in more "attempts"!

Does any else agree with the above random observations?! I would love to know what SW thinks for starters!

[srisky]

I wonder why fertility would go up? That doesn't make sense. A late splurge of egg releases does make sense, hence some of the non identical twins you see everywhere, but that "reminder" generally happens earlier eg 35 ish before fertility starts to decline significantly

Fertility does go down but the ovaries also become less efficient - some cycles will be anovulatory (i.e. no eggs released) and others may result in the release of more the one egg.

Some stats for the USA in 2007, which were published last year:

- 20 percent of births to women over age 45 were twins.

- Only 2 percent of teen mothers had twins.

National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol 58. No. 24, August 9, 2010

Edit to say: I couldn't find exactly how many of the multiple births in the over 45's were due to IVF (and no doubt they do contribute to the above statistic) but it is well documented (quick google search) that increasing maternal age is associated with an increase in naturally conceived multiple pregnancies.

[candj]

Hi Helena,

I had my first daughter at 35. After a year of trying and increasingly painful periods we (my consultant and I) discovered that I had an ovarian cyst along with a bit of endometriosis that was impeding my falling pregnant. So after laparoscopic surgery I literally fell pregnant two weeks later. Had second daughter at 38 after yet another year of trying and consultant put me on clomid (makes you release more than one egg during your cycle). Clomid made me sick as a dog and by the third month I swore I wouldn't take it anymore and would have to move on to different measures. Luckily, third time lucky and I fell pregnant.

Now, fast forward to when I hit 40 and feeling life is complete and husband and I were done with children. I got pregnant! I was so shocked and was both scared to death (another c-section) and thrilled at the prospect. Meanwhile husband immediately was thinking about what car to upgrade to in order to accommodate us all! Sadly, that pregnancy ended up being ectopic and I was absolutely devastated. So then given my age (40 1/2), history and now one less fallopian tube, I figured I wouldn't have a hope in hell in getting pregnant. In fact, I got it out of my head completely. Then 5 months later due to the ash cloud in Iceland we were trapped for an extra two weeks on a half term holiday in Asia and somewhere between Shanghai, Hong Kong and Singapore I fell pregnant with my now 8 month old little man. Unbelievable!

What I'm trying to say is that in my case I found it difficult in my 30s to get pregnant and my 40s was a lot easier but then I wasn't 'trying' to get pregnant. The moment I tried all plans went out the window. Of course with each pregnancy I was more tired and it was much harder on my body, but as long as you have a good consultant who keeps an eye on things you'll be absolutely fine.

I wish you all the best in trying and hope it all works out for you, your husband and your little boy.

-C x

[helena handbasket]

I thank you all for the great stories and encouragement. As I said earlier, if it was just a matter of deciding it will happen it would be easier, but investing emotionally in something that is a long shot is the hard part. Great to hear how many people have done this!

I guess I'll get whatever is meant to happen......... when my son asks (often) why he doesn't have a baby brother like ALL of his friends, I just tell him I was lucky to get the best boy on the first try so why get another! And you know what? It's true. I would rather spend the next two years just enjoying his awesomeness than getting pre-occupied with having another. So I think we'll plug along and if it happens, great. I have to say, I really did enjoy reading the stories. Not sure how I feel about the twins bit though!

Edited to add: I'm pleased to see how many of us 40ish girls with small children are out there!

Any day now you will see my next thread: Tell me about life with a lonely only! I suddenly don't see them anywhere.

[Saffron]

We have only one child. I don't want more, but my husband does. It's a moot point at the moment as we simply couldn't afford another child presently. We would have to think long and hard about having another one. By the time it might be possible financially, I would be 40+.

However, please don't think that a child will be alone because he/she is an only child. Equally don't think that siblings will necessarily give each other good company. I have two siblings, brothers, whom I've had to cutoff association with b/c of their abusive behaviour towards me (even as adults!). I also have friends in similar situations, so sadly this is not as uncommon as one would hope. Fortunately, I have the most amazing group of friends who are like a family to me. Not everyone has amazing siblings, but anyone can make amazing friends. xx

[Belle]

HH - my nephew is an only child, and so is my cousin's son, and both are v happy and sociable kids, in fact they're noticeably good at sharing etc (compared to their peers) and they have a lot of friends/good relationships with their cousins. I know a few people who are stopping at one. As saffron says, siblings aren't automatically companions/friends - it's great if it works out that way but you can't predict it.

[helena handbasket]

True. I have never had much of a relationship with my brother, mostly because my parents never really had us doing things as a family I suspect. I don't even really know how to have a conversation with him, to be honest.

But since my son approached the age of about three, I have watched him play alone at home day in and day out. Of course we do play dates and pre-school and all that, but there are an awful lot of hours to fill around those and he is really lonely. Holidays and vacations are hard too. My son has always been one to approach children wherever we are, but I'm often surprised and actually saddened by how cold the responses are when children already have someone to play with. I thought having one was fine until the last two years of watching his lonliness. And he doesn't know a single other child who is an only, so he has a really hard time understanding, at four, why everyone else has someone and he doesn't.

The other issue is that my husband was essentially alone at 40. His parents died by then, and the only living relative he has is a brother who lives really far away. That's it. I see his aloneness, and it's hard to imagine anyone being in that position. He has my (dysfunctional) family but it's not the same. He has loads of friends that have been around forever, but they have families of their own and many are scattered all over the world. It's awful for him, really. He has said that the only relief is having the brother to call on Christmas or birthdays or whatever; someone who is the only other witness to your life. Sometimes they just talk about their mum and dad, childhood stories or how much they miss them. But they have each other, and it's huge when that's all you have left. I know he's really worried that our son will end up the same, but without even the brother.

Personally I love having one. If it was just about me, this would be all I need.

This parenting thing, when is it ever not hard?

[bobbly]

My son ins 4 and an only child, and lately I have been feeling a little like you from time to time, but not entirely. I moved to London so that he would have more contact with his cousins. Whenever people ask him if he has any siblings, he says no but he has his cousins.

He is extremely sociable and so far, hasn't had trouble making friends, but I believe that changes after a while, and coming from a large family, it sometiimes feels incomplete just the three of us. He is very sociable, but I am an older mother, and couldn't contemplate having another as he is about to start school. I do not rule out adopting or fostering to give him a companion. There are so many out there needing a loving home. Not all are terribly damaged in a way that would distrupt families. I also understand those who wouldn't consider that as an option.

Even children with siblings need space away from them from time to time, it is harder work making sure that they sustain their friendships, and holidays we sometimes take with other families so that he has instant companionship, we would even consider taking a child on holiday with us, his cousin or a friend. These are all possiible options, and they show the child that family is not necessarily only blood related. Often as others have already mentioned, quality relationships are sometimes more evident outside the family. It's not all bad, it's just different.

[Saffron]

Another thing to think about is how your child plays and interacts with younger children. A new baby won't be a playmate right away. Even when a new baby is old enough to play, there will always be the age gap to consider. For example, some 8 year olds don't want to play with a 2 yo, while others would quite happily do so. (You're welcome to come have some trial runs with your son and my 19 month old daughter. :) I think she wishes she had older siblings, but of course that actually is impossible!)

[randomv]

Just to give the other side of the equation...I fell pregnant within a couple of months of trying and had my son at 37, then became pregnant again within a couple of months of relaxed trying when I was 38. I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage and have not managed to get pregnant in the nearly 18 months since, despite actively trying. I will be 40 next month. I am convinced that the sudden change in my ability to fall pregnant is related to my age, although I'm no doctor. I'm encouraged though by the number of women who seem to have managed it though and so I say good luck to you HH and go for it!

Re the women over 40 being amongst the highest rates for termination..maybe I'm a born pessimist/cynic but my first assumption is that that's less due to some miraculous fertility spurt in the 40s and more to do with the increased probability of carrying a child with a life threatening condition or defect?

[helena handbasket]

Randomv I think there is a lot of truth to your suspicions, I feel it too. Which is why I thought I'd throw this topic out there and see what real people were doing. I think your theory about termination is possible as well; I am very aware of the statistics for children born to over 40 women. Genetic testing is routine after 35, isn't it?

I suppose the best we can do is keep trying, hope for the best, and be happy with what we already have. Good luck to you!

Saffron, thanks for the offer but we have loads of under two's to play with, as suddenly every child my son's age now has a younger sibling. He's fabulous with them (because they are novelty and he doesn't have to share our attention or his toys with them!) but he would love them at any age. He's just really loving and enjoys any children he can get near. I realize the age gap is large but it's done, and honestly I didn't do it earlier because I didn't feel I could. WE had a rough first year and I was very afraid it would happen again, and he would have to live through it twice. That's all ancient history now and with him starting school it feels right. Except the clock ticking thing! Bah.

I have to admit that as he's getting less babyish and more boyish I feel my snuggle/toe kiss/ baby love days coming to an end and can't quite believe that I will have to get used to that soon. For a while it feels like they'll be little forever, and then you go to buy new school shoes and he's size 12! So there's a broody factor too.

Sometimes you don't know you want to go until the train is pulling out of the station, you know?

[new mother]

HH, why not say in response to saffron, "many thanks but we live in north America"?! You said that previously, I am convinced.... It was a kind offer of a play date regardless, Saffron.

[randomv]

HH "emotional purgatory" is such a great way of describing the situation! It's incredibly frustrating to feel you don't have control over something that could have such a huge impact on your life and family dynamic, or at least that's how it is for me. As for how long you keep trying, I wish I had the answser. I've told myself that if it doesn't happen for me by the new year then I will start to focus on other things in my life (which I am currently putting off) but as we draw into September and the New Year is only a few months away now I don't feel ready to give up my hopes of giving my LO a sibling.

It's a strange feeling to at once be happy with what you've got but saddened by your inability to change it! Best of luck to you and hope we both get what we want soon.