Can't quite believe I am posting this - domestic violence

[Saffron]

It's not your responsibility to make sure your husband is safe, and it's not your fault if he isn't. He is an adult. He made his own choices. He can find his own refuge. That may sound harsh, but actually it's honest and fair. A lot of people had shitty lives and they don't go around hitting their spouses. It's not an excuse. And you don't need to make excuses for him. It's a classic response from the abused partner in an unstable relationship. I'm sure you know all this, I just wanted you to see it in writing from someone else.

xx

susyp Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> He is texting me now saying all sorts of things

> that make me worry for his safety. I don't know

> whether I should call the police, or what I can

> do. I just want him to go to a hotel and be safe.

> He has no family he is close to , and no friends.

>

>

> Susypx

[BeccaL]

Saffron is absolutely right - not your problem. He's a grown up - he may have had a tough time but so did others. He can look after himself. Repeat - not your problem. Look after you and your daughter x

[Moos]

Susy, you're a brave and smart woman - well done you.

You've posted here and found a network of support - you're not alone. A few contacts below which I hope will be useful to help you continue to build your network by talking to other women who've been in your situation and found happiness and stability, as well as getting practical advice on finances.

Best of luck. Hope to keep hearing from you.

Refuge (national organisation)

Southwark Women's Aid

Women's Aid

[intexasatthe moment]

suzy I just wanted to say hope you're ok .

Not sure how to put this ,but we're all posting saying well done you ,you've made the right decision ( which of course you have ) but I'm thinking what if he's come back and you're trying a reconciliation again .

I'm sure this must often happen in situations like this ,that there are several attempts to seperate - and who knows maybe ocassional succesful reconciliations .

But my point is ,I wouldn't now want you to be feeling doubly dreadful ,you've told people ,we've all said well done for initial steps towards seperation ,and if he has come back ( all supposition I know ) you'll maybe be back to square one and feeling unsupported .

So fingers crossed for you my love , you've been so brave in bringing this out into the open ,please do get some professional support .

Chin up ,you'll get there .

[susyp]

thank you everyone. what an amazing place this forum is. in the end i called the police last night as I was so worried about him. they caught up with him and i think we will both get some help now. I'm posting this so that anyone reading it in a similar situation knows that they can go to the police and although the police have to act on the information it doesn't necessarily lead to an arrest and a charge. But I was getting no-where calling helplines and now I do seem to have found a course of action for us both, whether it be individually or together. I have no idea what I will do in the long term, can only take it one day at a time.

Thanks again, it's very inspiring to know there are so many good and kind people out there, makes everything a bit easier to cope with. I probably won't post again as I've think I've taken up plenty of attention on here but I do hope that by doing so it's possibly helped someone else to act as well. It's very hard to think of a way out of a situation like this.

Susypx

[Sanne Panne]

Susy, please don't think you should stop posting just because you think you've received too much attention. As you have probably noticed, people here are genuinely happy to help each other out. Many of us have lived through some not-so-great experience or another and it's comforting when "learnings" from a bad experience can help someone else. So please post when you want to (and feel free not to post if it makes you feel too exposed - just don't go into hiding). You've been in the shadow long enough over the past few years it seems, so please allow the lovely people here to help you even if it's just a bit.

And... please think about your daughter's and your own long term wellbeing WAY before you think about your husband's as he has abused you and doesn't deserve to be the focus of attention anymore. I once was in a relationship with a hardcore alcoholic and somehow managed to be more worried about his health than the effects it had on my life and the family we thankfully never had.

[mumof3girlies]

Dear sysyp

I just wanted to add what a brave post to share your experiences,your post brought me to tears, it sounds horrendous and you are very brave and sound like a wonderful mother.

I have had experience working with families who have experienced DV and women who have fled from violent men, I now work with some of the agencies who support women experiencing DV and would second luluto about Bede House- they are an amazing organisation and very experienced - contact them tomorrow.

What I also want to add, without frightening you, please make sure you are safe tonight and in the next few days, women are most risk when they leave their violent partners, so go somewhere safe or get someone to stay with you.

Victim support is also a fantastic support for women experiencing DV, they have a scheme called the 'sanctuary scheme' where they can, I think for free, change locks and make your home extra secure, if you decide to stay in your home.

You are doing the right thing, you are absolutely not to blame for his behaviour, only he is responsible for his actions.

Good luck with your journey, I hope you get all the help and support you need.

xxx

[sew]

Hi Susy,

My sister has been in a similar situation to you. She lives in Australia and I haven't been able to help her practically, only talking on the phone. It was very hard for her to accept that the relationship was over but since she has done her life has only got better and although being a single parent is hard, it is not as hard as living in an abusive relationship was.

Her daughter was 3 when her parents separated and since then she has gone from strength to strength. She is much happier and more relaxed than she was when she was constantly witnessing and listening to her parents fighting and her mother being abused. She (my niece) used to suffer from hair loss through stress which has completely stopped now. She and her brother (now 3, was 1 at the time) can only see their Dad in supervised circumstances because of his various problems with anger and drink, but they manage that and accept it and are really happy and definitely better off than they were. They are relaxed in their own home and can have friends round and stuff which was tricky before.

It is a long road and my sister has found it far from easy. But it is definitely worth taking, things can only get better and they will. Please please try not to allow yourself to feel guilty. You have been damaged by the abuse and that is why you feel that. You are doing the right thing by separating and by talking about what's been going on.

Lots and lots of love and good luck,

Sarah

[Saffron]

Sadly revisiting this post for advice and support. Susyp, rereading what you wrote is very moving. Thanks for being inspirational.

There is a strong suspicion in my close-knit groups of friends that one of the ladies is a victim of domestic violence. There is isolation, withdrawal, unexplained bruises and lots of excuses and denial. They both drink to excess and he has a massive drug problem.

I feel like he's been manipulating our group of friends in order to get away with his behaviour. I've never seen him hit her, but he is verbally abusive. I have witnessed this. I've also seen him be quite charming.

I'm seriously concerned that if this carries on, irreparable physical harm is the end result. Do we all sit around shaking our heads until he breaks her arm?!?

I'm also f------ pissed off that he's manipulating all of us. I think reluctance to discuss it is harming our group of friends, and I want it openly discussed. But I'm aware this may not be the most popular thing. I'm also concerned that it might make things worse for her personally.

[IlonaM]

Rights of Women have a lot of information (http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/) and support on their website including free legal advice (http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/women-london/).

They are a very dedicated team of staff and volunteer lawyers who can provide a lot of practical assistance.

[Lox]

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Women?s Aid are also a fantastic charity and resource. I?m sure their helpline would be able to advise you on options and ways of raising the issue. I?m so sorry your friend is suffering.

[Saffron]

Thanks. I'm going to have a look at these. Long honest conversations need to be had across our friends about not facilitating the abuser, without isolating the other person. :(

[midivydale]

Hi Saffron, I am sure you are already, but be careful not to isolate your friend further, a group ?confrontation? might have the opposite effect for her or put her at further risk. Ultimately though, you are acting and I applaud you for doing so.

SusyP are you still around? We messaged a lot when my son was a baby and I had no idea that you had been through this hell. How are you?

[Saffron]

Hi midivydale. Yes we considered this, and also weighed it up against the fact that he is isolating her and the aggression is worsening. We opted for a few low key but direct conversations today, not a group confrontation. Things are moving forward. Reading all the websites has been so helpful. This is only the first part of the problem. The second part of the problem is going to be longer and more complicated, addressing this issue among all the friends he manipulated.

[midivydale]

Sending a cyberhug. She is lucky to have friends like you.

[Coll]

Hi Susy, 🙂.

..I stumbled on your post today, while looking for a crescendo for my daughter...

I just had to write to you.., as my thoughts' are consumed: for you; your daughter and your (ex?)partner.

I really hope your life - now in the tail of '17 - is in a better place..? And I am thinking chiefly of your physical & mental health. I truly hope you and your daughter now have a positive relationship with the father..?

I am both a father and partner.,, so fully understand the stresses', and the strains' of modern London-living. And how they can negatively impact on our relationships as a partner & parent.

However, there is absolutely, 'no excuse' - for domestic violence.

I really hope that you have found a happy triangle - for the three of you, My heart truly wishes this for your daughter.

Don't ever feel that you have taken too much attention for being so brave in sharing - so candidly - such a painful, and terrifying chapter in your life.

..I feel incredibly proud of you, and yet I don't even know you.

I have to ask you though, how are things' with your partner, now..?

I am happy to share with an honest heart, if needed.

So pease answer - even if you prefer to PM.

I don't do Facebook, or what I call similar voyeurism, media, so please believe this inquiry is sincere. (Please don't be offended if you do!☺)

I genuinely would like to know - how you are since summer '11..?

Sincerely,

Coll.

[Angelina]

Saffron, you are absolutely right to be worried about your friend. Her drinking could well be her way of coping with it.

I would strongly suggest you do not raise this as a group thing - that could completely overwhelm her.

Instead, make sure that she KNOWS you know. And make sure that you are there for her. Tell her that you have noticed her bruises and tell her that you are worried about her safety. Come on to her drinking later.

While being a friend is the best thing in the world, what is more likely to help your friend is if she has someone impartial she can talk to and who will recognize the terrible abuse she is suffering. Could she talk to her doctor? If it ever comes to her needing evidence, this is a good place to start.

He partner sounds like someone I know.... very good at hiding that part of his personality to anyone else - manipulative, abusive, a true narsissist. It may well be that your friend believes she deserves what is happening to her and that she causes him to behave like that. It is likely she thinks she is responsible. That type of abuser can make a victim feel like that.

You can give her information to read - there are lots of articles on the internet from abused partners and maybe your friend will be able to realise for herself that she is not alone and is in real danger.

Don't ever walk away from someone who you know is going through this.

And I hope to God there are no children involved because that would mean a completely different approach as the risks become much more serious.

[Saffron]

No children involved, or I would have reported suspicions to authorities long ago. I'm sure the substance abuse is a coping mechanism for them both. :(

Supportive practical progress is being made thankfully. Thanks so much for your posts. As things are coming out in the wash, it's clear that the situation has been quite dire for a while.

People don't always know how to ask for help, and judging when to step in has been very stressful but ultimately the right thing.

xx

[Angelina]

Things will get better in time, but she is lucky to have a good friend who cares.

There is lots of support available but knowing you need help and asking for it are very difficult steps to make. The first steps are easier when someone is guiding you.