Can't quite believe I am posting this - domestic violence

[susyp]

This is the only time I've been able to say this, I've even had counselling for cancer that I had recently and even in that I couldn't say it - my husband hits me. When I was pregnant and for the first 6 months of my daughters life, my husband hit me, pretty constantly. This started when I moved in with him 6 months pregnant. I had bruises on my arm and he used to drag me by the hair down the hall. I even have a bruise in the first photo of me with my daughter. Then I got diagnosed with cancer and it stopped, largely. Recently we have had some stressful building work and my husband has been horrendous, lots of name calling, real coldness, and occasional hitting. He isn't working at the moment which makes it more intense as we are around eachother all the time. Tonight we agreed that he would do my daughter's bath and I would put her to bed, as recently she won't let him do it. However she was really screaming for me in her bath so I went up really just to tell her to be quiet and stop being so silly, as I was enjoying clearing up with my music blaring out ! But my husband, as usual, took it as me taking over and trying to control everything and told me to go. I decided that I wouldn't stand to being talked to like that, and he repeated several times that I had to go, in the voice he gets when he is about to lose it. Of course, eventually, he yanked me by the hair across the room. My daughter saw it , as she always does (she is 3). She has also heard him telling me to "die bitch" and similar stuff recently.

He has just left. My heart is breaking as I do love him, and I just want him to go back to how he was when we met. And most of all, the most painful thing of all, is that I am terrified that I have ruined my daughter's life. She loves her daddy and he is good with her, when he isnt stressed and thinking about other things. And I don't work, and I don't want her to come home from school to anyone else. Plus we are living in a half finished building site with no heating.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my parents, suitcases and all. My Mum had a very tough upbringing in a single parent family and told me I couldn't leave. I hadn't told her about the violence. What did me in was my daughter begging to go home. So I had resolved to stick out what is mainly verbal abuse until she is old enough to be at school full time and I have found a job. That was basically my Mum's advice. She is about to start at nursery school and I didn't want to uproot her. Now I have finally got my husband to leave, and I feel horrendous. I feel that I have made a huge mistake. But at the same time I know I cannot have her witnessing me being hurt. I'm also terrified that the cancer will come back if I get stressed again.

Is anyone out there a single parent and how do you make it work?

Susypx

[poppy]

Oh Susy, so sorry to hear your story. I'm not a single parent and so i don't have advice, but just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are and please don't feel guilty. I totally agree with you that it's not right that your daughter should see you being hurt - personally I think you have done the right thing. I really hope you are okay and I think your daughter will be absolutely fine with one single but happy mummy who loves her. Wishing you all the best and hope it all turns out okay. There are lots of parents out here who will be happy to give lots of support, both emotional and practical, I'm sure. xxx

[KatsuQueen]

Susyp, I think you have done the right thing - your daughter shouldn't have you see you being hurt (and you shouldn't be hurt either). I cant help but think that seeing Daddy hurt Mummy would be really scary for her. It must be so tough as you still love him, is there some kind of trigger? I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to give you some support. Hope it all works out ok.

[srisky]

Such a brave post, Susyp. It was hard just reading it, so I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through it and write it.

I know nothing of your situation, other than what you have posted, but from what you have written it really seems like you have done the right thing. Domestic violence can be perpetuated through the generations and in an ideal world all children will have parents who enjoy a loving relationship to aspire to. Now that he has left, hopefully your daughter will be able to enjoy just the good times with her father rather than witness his violent side. She is still very young and hopefully will have very little memory of these times, as she gets older.

You say you love your husband and I understand how that can be - just to put a different perspective on it, do you love the 'idea' of a husband and the nuclear family? Rhetorical question.

You will almost certainly question repeatedly whether you did the right thing, especially during the tough times. Whenever that happens, just think of your daughter, what you want for her future and how you wouldn't want for her ever to go through what you have and draw strength from that.

[Saffron]

Very brave of you to post, Susypx. I totally agree with poppy. One single, stable parent is better than an unstable set.

When you say you want your husband "to go back to how he was when we met", you have have to understand that this (the capcity for abuse and violence) was always part of him. Unless he chooses to address and change it, there is nothing you can do to change it. And you are not the cause of it. The behaviour you describe is totally unacceptable under any circumstances.

Also, tell your mother what is going on. Even if she still doesn't agree with your decision, at least she will know your reasons. And if you haven't already done so, seek professional advice. Would you be able to go back to the counsellor you saw during your cancer therapy. A good counsellor will understand that you couldn't tackle this issue during your cancer, but that you're ready to deal with it now. A counsellor or life coach can also help you tackle your fears about single parenthood.

xx

[jennyh]

I have sent you a PM. x

[bluesuperted]

I'm so sorry too Susyp - I also don't have any advice but for what it's worth I think you are so brave and from what you've written you are absolutely doing the right thing and must keep safe from harm for both your and your little girl's sake. Please take care, seek as much help and support as you can and know that you are doing it all for your little girl and one days she will thank you. Sorry I don't have anything useful to add but couldn't read and run and wanted to add support like others on here. Hugs xx

[susyp]

Thank you everyone, I think I just needed to say it out loud and seek some opinions.

I love him because I know why he is the way he is, he's had a helluva life, and then his wife goes and gets breast cancer! But sounds weird, I was awake all of lsat night thinking about Kate Winslet on that Caribbean island with her 2 children - thinking what bliss it would be if I could just leave with my daughter and be a single parent like her and have no financial worries. I would love to be able to leave. If I had the security I would have left, many many months ago. Yes I miss him already but mainly I just want to be able to provide that stable life, and I am just not sure I will, with no job, or with a job and then never seeing my daughter. I am not worried about the parenting pressures so much (although I don't dismiss them), as to be honest I do most of the parenting anyway, hence why I am perhaps controlling - but my husband has been so impatient with her recently.

My counsellor was great and I am seeing her again in the autumn but she is NHS funded for cancer patients and this is slightly different. But I will be able to tell her about it now.

I know that my husband is suffering and I just want to force him to get some help. He has agreed to start counselling in 2 weeks - but from my own experience I know that it takes a long time to get better, in fact it gets worse before it gets better and I am just not sure I can live with him through that. I just wish I knew he had gone somewhere safe, as far as I know it he is hurtling down the M4 to a his mum's now derelict house in Wales. He is my daughter's father after all.

Basically I have no idea where to start now and what to do.

What decided me was my daughter's scream as I was pulled across the bathroom - and then she cried - mummy did that hurt. was heartbreaking and I know it's not right. I just wish he would stop. His mother had breast cancer and died a few years back, my counsellor said that part of him would hate her for it, and I feel that he hates me now for having got it too. Often in arguments he says - you brought this on us, you've ruined our lives. I can't bear that.

Susypx

[Yak]

Susyp, you sound like a wonderful woman and mother. I can't believe how hard it must have been to write that post, let alone endure what you experienced. Well done on taking what must have been an incredibly hard step to take.

I suspect the hardest thing might be to understand - however hard it may be to really take on board - is that it is absolutely not your fault, or the fault of your daughter, that your husband absued you. And it is absolutely not your fault that you had cancer. It is his fault, and his alone, that he was abusive. He certainly does need help.

Could you contact someone at Womensaid in the first instance? If you find it hard to speak to someone in person, could you email this thread and/or print it off and show it to them?

In the meantime, do you have a trusted friend or relative who could come and stay with you for a while? It might help to have someone around who you and your daughter can trust for when you feel wobbly.

You sound incredibly brave and you are doing absolutely the right thing for you, for your daughter, and also probably for your husband in the long run, even if at times it feels like it wasn't the right choice to make.

xxx

[buggie]

Your strength for posting this is amazing and fills me with hope that you will find the support needed x

[intexasatthe moment]

No advice susyp ,but wanted to say ( like others ) that I'm sure you are doing the right thing .

It must have taken so much strength ,every ounce of your energy to do this .

You must be drained and in shock .

But it was the right thing to do ,your daughter can't live with this and it's not a kindness or helpful to your husband to get away with his violent actions .

Please ,please keep telling yourself that you are NOT at fault here .

Have you a friend you can call ?

Keep strong ,you know we're all sending you strength and love .

[susyp]

Thank you everyone for all the messages.

I have spoken to a friend and so now in many ways there is no going back. She was appalled. So even if I did take him back, she knows, and I can't hide away from it.

He is texting me now saying all sorts of things that make me worry for his safety. I don't know whether I should call the police, or what I can do. I just want him to go to a hotel and be safe. He has no family he is close to , and no friends.

Susypx

[Sanne Panne]

I have very close second hand experience of this limbo situation where you're not quite sure whether it's bad enough to leave. It's so easy to forget about yourself when you think your children MAY be better off with the other parent around. But if violence comes into play there's generally only one way out and that's OUT :(

It's a bit like cheaters... it seems like cheaters and hitters can only change their ways for a short while.

Do you have a good support network here, if not family then friends?

[Peckhamrye]

I'm not a parent so may not be 'qualified' to comment but if your daughter is scared at what happend to you then you are right to do what you have done. As for him 'blaming' you for getting cancer and messing everything up - my ex said a similar thing to me after we broke up, when he was having counselling. I had apparently ruined his life by having an ongoing medical problem, a liver transplant and surgery for bowel cancer. But him not coping with it is his problem, and in turn your husband's problem, - not yours, not mine For the record we are now friends who meet occasionally for dinner, so counselling and life can get people through it, but I feel you should not expose your daughter to this kind of experience. If you are worried about him are there friends of his you can ask to help out?

[Sanne Panne]

Another question - I could have pm'ed you but since you've been so brave to post this publicly I thought it might be an eye opener to others as this happens a lot in the UK: does he drink a lot more than one should? Not just one or two more than the recommended maximum units but do you feel he has a drinking problem? I just remember you posting about snoring and I know snoring CAN have to do with alcohol and so can domestic violence (even if he's not drunk but "just" grumpy from a permanent hangover).

[Otta]

susy, I am a bloke, and when you said about him going off on one when he felt you'd taken over bath time, I have to admit that I have had similar feelings at times.

HOWEVER, even if you were the most controlling woman in the world, which I am certain you are not, there us absolutely no excuse for hitting you and dragging you around by your hair!

You have done the right thing, even if it feels horrible. Tell him you won't even consider sorting things out until he gets help. If he won't do that, then he shouldn't be around you or your child.

Best wishes.

[zeban]

Susy,

this is the bravest post I have ever seen and has brought me to tears. I feel for you so so much and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't know if it helps but my dad was violent. My Mum left him when I was about two and my older sister was 4 after he punched her in the face and gave her a black eye whilst she was holding me in her arms. That was when she decided to leave and she took out an injunction against him and never looked back.

I thank goodness every day for her finding the strength to walk away. Although it makes me sad that she did it for us and not for her as she realised then that one day he could hurt us (the children) despite being utterly loving and adoring of us before. And she loved him. But THAT is love.

There truly are no excuses for violence- especially against your loved ones, no matter how shitty a life he's had.

I believe hand on heart you've done the right thing. Single parenthood is tough but do-able and you will find a way. I actually think it will be easier than what you've been putting up with. My Mum brought us up on her own and I'm glad she's shown me just how much strength us women and especially mothers have. There are refuges that you can go to. From there you could get on a list for some social housing. It's not all awful 20 floor tower blocks in shitty areas and you may well (and should be) a priority if your income is limited.

Whenever I think of how psychologically damaged I probably would have been growing up in such an environment it sends shivers down my spine. Luckily I have no recollection of my father at all and his violence towards my Mum am very glad. I'm not sure how the situation would have been if he had tried to track me and my sister down and build a relationship with us later in life but he hasn't and I have to say as much as I would have liked a father, I don't think he deserved me in his life so I've never felt the need to track him down. I think we sometimes think or are led to believe that any father is better than none but that's really not true. My Mum has also never once said anything bad about him to me or my sister so this was all my own decision and I've never regretted it.

Of course I'm not saying your situation has to end up like mine. IF he gets help there's no reason why he can't have a relationship with your daughter but it has to be later once he's sorted himself out and it has to be under yours or a courts terms.

My Mum would happily talk to you if you have any questions. Or you can email her or she can email you. Please let me know.

Best wishes. I know you'll be ok. I'm not demonising him but you have to put yourself and your child first and by leaving that's exactly what you've done.

[Belle]

As you say yourself, the fact your little girl was so worried for you during this scene is particularly heartbreaking, and no child should have to go through that fear, nor parent have to deal with explaining it/shielding the child from it. you sound like you've had an incredibly tough time and it's amazing how well you've managed things so far, but agree with others that what's happened now can only be the right thing for all 3 of you. Your daughter will still have a father, but hopefully one who gets help. She'll also have a mother who is not being mistreated or victimised. That can only be a good thing. There are quite a few support organisations out there for victims of domestic violence, I wonder if even your GP could help? Or there may be people on here who work in that area who can advise.

[tog_in_sox]

Susy,

You have shown so much courage, caring and forbearance so far so please take heart. You've done the most difficult thing in confronting your abuser and making a stand, a stand you continue to hold more strongly as you share your troubles, make efforts to move on and seek support from those you can rely on. You will be strong enough to see this through, sure there will be times when you feel helpless, you'll cry with fear and frustration but after those moments you will be able to stand up and take the next step to making things work. You're a fighter, you'll try and want to struggle on not wanting to be a burden but listen to your sensible self and know when to reach out for a steadying hand.

Your husband's violent troubles are his own to deal with. There appears to be hope in that he has seen some sense and taken himself away, by all means show him some concern by encouraging him to find his sanity BUT first and foremost protect yourself and your daughter, don't just let him talk his way back, don't give in to the need to have his old self back by your side, be mindful of protecting the harmony you are building with your daughter and build your new life for the better upon that.

You are brave and inspiring. Life will be tough but you've shown you can take the very rough, now for the steady and smooth improvements one day at a time.

Be happy, be well and be safe, there are many here to talk to to keep you company and help you along.

[LuLu Too]

susyp - I am posting on this thread, not because I am a parent and not because I have personal experience of DV, but because the nature of my profession brings me into close contact with both those who have experienced DV and those agencies that work with "victims" of DV as well as perpretators.

Firstly, you are not responsible for your husbands safety or wellbeing - regardless of the fact that he has had "a helluva life" and is possibly hurtling down the M4 making threats. You are however responsible for your own safety and wellbeing and that of your daughter. You and she need to come first and be safe.

I can recommend Bede House - they have some fantastic DV workers and are Southwark based.

www.bedehouse.org

Please, do contact them. First thing tomorrow.

Stay safe.

[Ouvert3.20mercredi]

As too We don't beleive it, because they were never there, shame.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Susy- you have absolutely done the right thing.

My mum stayed with my s-dad even after years of alcohol abuse and violence. She said she always thought she'd have the strength to go if he ever laid a finger on us, the children. He beat the living daylight out of me reguarly and then was incredibly emotionally and verbally abuse, first me, then my sister. I left home asap, and my sister (aged 14 at the time) came with me. Mum is still with him and it's ruined our relationship and any relationship she will have with my children. It's also ruined mine and my sister's confidence and esteem.

In short, you have absolutely done the right thing, hands down. The courage you have shown is amazing and you absolutely do NOT deserve any of this.

Take care,

rx

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

susyp - chin up, you have absolutely done the right thing.

There is no excuse for violence ever, and it doesn't matter if you were the most provocative shrew on earth, it is still not your fault. Nor it is your fault that you became ill. Please repeat this a million times a day: "It is not my fault".

Remember also, that verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence. It is perpetrated mostly by professional types (lawyer, vicars, teachers, etc) and is no less damaging than physical abuse. Your sanity is as precious as your good health.

As a single parent I can't pretend it's easy, but you just have to get on with it. You don't have to be a perfect parent - no-one can be, just do enough to look after yourself and your daughter.

My one piece of advice is that I found the most difficult thing was having to make all the decisions (eg discipline, choice of school, etc) myself. You might find it helpful to build up a network of friends/family/godparents/ over the next few years that you can approach for sounding-board purposes for when these occasions arise.

You have taken the most difficult step so be proud of yourself for already being a good parent to your little girl.

[BeccaL]

Susy, you have been so brave to post this. You have done the right thing for you and your daughter, no matter how hard it seems. As others have said, the most important thing is that none of this is your fault - you must believe that. You didn't make yourself get cancer, and you didn't make your husband hit you. Your daughter will do better with one parent who loves her in a stable environment than with two in an environment in which she is frightened.

As said, it is now up to your husband to sort himself out if he can and rebuild any relationship he wants with his daughter. I had no contact with my father after I was 10 (not for DV issues but because he left) and my mum worked really hard to make sure we had as happy and stable a time as we could - as a mother now, when I look back on it now I am amazed at what she must have gone through, which we didn't really notice as kids.

You can do it - and when it gets tough remember the support on here as well as in the real world. I suspect that Peckhamgatecrasher's comment about making decisions will be a wise one - getyour support network in place and you'll be fine.

Well done for getting this far - there are many thoughts with you at the moment.

[mrs f]

Suzy.... you have made one of the bravest steps you will hopefully ever have to make, well done.

please listen to the people here who have said it is not your fault; because it is not your fault. There is NO excuse for DV, no matter how hard your husband's life has been. And certainally you getting cancer is neither your fault or an excuse for him to hit you. Your husband is to blame for him hitting you. it is totally unacceptable and certainally dangerous in front of your daughter.

(this is horrible, and I'm sorry) just because he hasn't hit your daughter doesn't mean he won't in the future...

you need to ensure that the two of you are safe from him, he can look after himself, your daughter can't.

I was brought up in a single parent family and we were poor but we were happy.... both my sister and I have grown up very well adapted and happy and certainally feel it was better for our parents to not be together. One happy parent is miles better than two miserable/abusive ones.

It won't be easy but leaving him will be the best thing you can do for your daughter and yourself.