Polyamory

[LadyDeliah]

I've been looking at different ways to 'do' relationships and came to the conclusion that monogomy is not something that makes me happy so decided about a year or so ago, that I wasn't going to date one person on an exclusive basis for a while.

I then came accross something called polyamory which Wikipedia describes as:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word can be used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

And I find it interesting that I am not the only person who doesn't particularly like casual relationships, but doesn't want to be tied into a monogomous relationship.

So I thought I'd ask the lovely folk of ED what they think of this and whether struggling with monogamy is natural or not.

[????]

Too complicated for a Friday but a good debate. The big issue for me is that there are there are seriously plenty of non-sexual positives (and some sexual ones too) in a monogamous(is that a word?) relationship, although perhaps from a purely sexual perspective monogamy doesn't always make sense and is sometimes difficult...... but surely relationships are not just about the sex are they. I've met a few people with 'open' relations and normally it seems to be to the advantage of one of them and not a mutually beneficial, sharing/caring relationship/arrangement at all. Is a partner for life is perhaps a tougher question, not convinced a polyamorous arrangement amounts to much more than having a few f*ck buddies.

[Salsaboy]

I thought Polyamoury was where parrots kept their guns.

[LadyDeliah]

Lol, just edited out the U

[Burbage]

LadyDeliah Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> So I thought I'd ask the lovely folk of ED what

> they think of this and whether struggling with

> monogamy is natural or not.

Good luck. As $$$$ points out, humans don't just have the ability to love each other. Other emotions exist, such as jealousy, hate and murderousness.

That's not to say you can't live in a delightful kaleidoscope of passions. Or 'play the field' as our ancestors would have put it. But in the end, these things tend to go wrong fairly badly, and that's when you'll discover that nobody owes you anything or has much nice to say about you. Although we're well past any addiction to Victorian morality, committment still means something. Mostly, it means being able to rely on someone when you're out of work or money or can't walk to the shops or wipe your own arse. Polyamory, I'm afraid, tends to end in reliance on the council, and that's not quite as nice as the Daily Mail would have you believe.

If you've got the money, go for it. But if you're in any way normal, it's probably unwise.

[katie1997]

I think if its what works for you then go for it. Have discussed this with friends and most of them (male, married) said that they don't feel monogamy is a natural inclination for them. I don't think in evolutionary terms it would have made sense so maybe stems from that.

Also one of my friends (female, divorced) has vowed she will never get married or live with anyone again. But she wants to have several long-term lovers although only for physical, not emotional needs.

[PeckhamRose]

The problem is each member of the polyamorous group has to constantly check their feelings. Are they just a bit jealous when she gets more attention than the other one? Or something. There are such relationships within not just the Mormon religion (although apparently illegal, it does occur in some small communities in Utah), but also in some BDSM relationships (Dominant/submissive relationships) there are often such relationships. I certainly don't have an issue with it. I think it's quite a natural thing, specially if there are no children involved (research shows kids who grew up in kibbutzes were not as happy as their parents were at being brought up by a lot of people).

[DJKillaQueen]

I think it's each to their own isn't it. We all tend to want slightly different things in our relationships with people which why words like 'compromise' and 'compatability' feature so much. I do think though that some people just aren't cut out for monogamous lifelong relationships, so why demonise them the way we sometimes do? If two (or more) people want the same thing, then all is good and fair I say.

[tog_in_sox]

Burbage, I think you need to check the slant of your own comment there, somewhat overly taintde by specific opinions on what people want or need from a loving relationship.

Indeed, much of the commentary here has taken the sexual slant on the proposition. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a loving relationship (SLAP! Sorry just caught myself saying that.)

How many of you have more than one close friend who isn't your partner? Of those how many spend perhaps as much if not more time engaging with them as you do with your partner? Do you love your friend? Do you miss their companionship at times? Do you sometimes wish they were there to give an opinion more so than your partner or indeed another close friend? Do many of you have physically affectionate but otherwise platonic relationships?

Certainly engaging in multiple sexual relationships with partners who all actually subscribe to the idea of monogamy is a course set for devastation but then anyone maturely taking the path of polyamorousnous with likeminded people will likely find great comfort and joy. As the definition intimates, the relations have to be openly known and understood and the participants have to have very clear senses of self. Sure such people are hard to find as are truly self-aware, enlightened monogamous partners.

PR has a point that all need to keep tabs on their feelings so that they are able to recognise an evolution which might compromise the current balance. This will need to be resolved with the support of the other(s) involved.

I've wondered whether this would be a path I was more suited to but when I think how long it's taken me to find one partner to love and be loved by, I'm not sure I've enough years left to find many more let alone for them to be compatible or tolerant of each other. Should have started looking when I was 20.

Good luck LD in finding the deeper satisfaction of a polyamorous existence. Having a bunch of F-buddies along the way will perhaps sweeten the journey, just be sure to know thyself.

[LadyDeliah]

Interesting comments so far.

I think the way to cope with any jealousy issues might be to resist any attempts by the other party to 'own' you as soon as they arise and to be sensitive enough not to go on about other partners when you are spending time with whichever partner you are currently with.

I think living with one of your partners would make polyamory difficult though.

Thinking that you would have no-one in your life when you are old doesn't really seem like something that would be isolated to people practicing polyamory. Also I am available to my close friends make and female, and have friends ready to support me also if needed, so I think the matter of whether you die alone is more to do with the type of person you are, rather than how you organise your romantic relationships.

[LadyDeliah]

I also agree some people are just not made for monogamy and others are, but pushing a one size fits all solution to relationships can be damaging to the people who are not naturally monogamous.

[Annette Curtain]

Fancy a threesome ( foursome, fivesome )

NETTE(?)

[Annette Curtain]

How about...

http://sharetv.org/images/balamory_uk-show.jpg

No(?)

[LadyDeliah]

Not really my thing Nette - but thanks for asking!

[Fabricio the Guido]

*comes out of lurking*

Likes this topic!

*returns to lurk mode*

[LadyDeliah]

I remember reading somewhere that pre-historic man was more likely to live in a kind of polyamorous community and that monogamy was imposed on women when man began to acquire wealth that he wanted to pass on to his heirs; to ensure his heirs were biologically his.

So monogamy may actually be an unnatural condition to expect people to live in.

[????]

and so by that logic so is living in houses and not caves

[karter]

Lol, this subject depends on if you can control your sex drive miss.

[LadyDeliah]

Quids: where we live is not programmed into our DNA, but how we organise our relationships might be.

It's got nothing to do with controlling ones sex drive. It's about whether we are genetically programmed to mate for life, like some species or programmed to have looser mid/long term relationships with mote than one mate.

I'm interested in whether monogamy is a socially constructed norm that has been imposed on us against our natural, genetic inclinations.

[PeckhamRose]

WHy should people control sex drives? It's a natural thing to feel, so by exploring it, we're only do harm to those who feel harm has been done. Fatal Attraction taught us so much! She was mad*, of course, he still loved his wife. He just wanted sex.

* I know, I know.

[randombloke]

An interesting topic Deliah.

Surely the most important point is finding sane and sorted people with a similar view to yourself. The difficulty is that few people are emotionally mature enough to deal with the conflicting feelings a close relationship engenders if that relationship is not an exclusive one.

From previous personal experience (I'm now in a wonderful exclusive loving relationship) I can say that if you have multiple long lasting FB relationships, it is very likely that it will result in one of the parties in one of the pairings investing more in that relationship than the other.

Hopefully you will be lucky and be able to find not just one, but more than one person capable of doing that. Bearing in mind that you may find that you are the one that can't cope yourself.

Good luck

[red devil]

An interesting topic Deliah.

Good luck...

[mockney piers]

Blimey, thank god i wasn't at work RD!!!

[red devil]

Belive it or not Mocks, it was the cleanest link I found...having said that the profile pics look like they are constantly updated as I don't remember seeing what I've just seen!...6pm Mass beckons

[LadyDeliah]

Thanks RD, I'm not into swinging, but if I change my mind at least I know where to look!