Full-time stay at home mum's - a dying breed?

[sophiechristophy]

Hi everyone,

I am staying home full time with my daughter, who has just turned 1. Most mum's I know have gone back to work by now, at least part-time. My question is, are there any other mum's out there, who are at home full-time? Why do you choose to stay at home full-time? My mum stayed at home with me, and I want to do the same for my daughter (even though it means being pretty much totally broke living on my husband's teaching salary...). Would love to hear others thoughts.

Sophie

[bluesuperted]

Hey Sophie, as you know, that's currently my plan too, something I didn't think I'd want to do in a million years (my mum worked full-time and I saw nothing wrong with that...). It's weird how a little person can change every part of your being. I am becoming more and more certain I'm making the right decision for OUR family (no judgement at all on other set-ups, am just going with my gut personally) despite similarly resigning myself to three people living off one (fairly newly qualified, albeit s@#t hot, hehe) teacher's salary in London and I'm turning down my dream job despite it being part time... But I agree, I don't know many others. And even though as I say I'm confident I'm making a good decision, I find myself justifying it to myself and others - "oh I will do some freelance work... And a masters... I won't 'just' be a stay at home mum..." which is ridiculous 'cos I know this is the most amazing but hardest job I've ever done, no 'just' about it! Anyway, I'm late night rambling and you know my story anyway! But I'm very interested in following this thread! x

[Belle]

This is an interesting one.

I'm a full-time mum - made the decision quite early on for various reasons:

1) I felt the early weeks/months of my son's life had been 'blighted' by me having PND, and I felt it would be unbearably sad if that was his early experience of me - I wanted him to have some time with me now I felt more myself, before I went back to work.

2)I'd known since before I got pregnant that the job I was doing was no longer what i wanted to do long term, so bearing in mind the above, it was hard to make a case for going back to it. Added to this, it's not a job I felt I could reasonably do part-time (though that was an option offered) - I knew I'd end up working on the days I wasn't meant to be etc etc, and it's just not a family friendly role. I get easily stressed and could see it might not be the greatest plan trying to juggle my old job with my new role.

3)I'd 'only' been on statutory maternity pay, so in a sense we'd already made the downward adjustment in terms of income, though clearly the maternity pay did end! We were also lucky as my husband was promoted just before my son was born - but I think we'd have made the same decision had he not been.

As it is, I too have found myself murmuring about courses and the freelance work I do (started this when son was around 18 mths, it is sporadic though can be busy at times - I do def feel I need to big this up e.g. at parties sometimes, have noticed since son reached 2 saying I am a full time mum attracts more comments. Incidentally a female doctor at King's laughed out loud in disbelief when I told her I wasn't going back to work!). I do find it odd though that people don't realise full time mums aren't necessarily giving up work for good! I see it more that I am taking a longer maternity leave (unpaid) than some of my peers, but of course I'm going to go back to work. I also feel I don't fit the full time mum mould in some ways, in that people often said to me after I told them my decision 'you must be really enjoying it t hen!' - actually nothing could be further from the truth some days! I am not a natural, I don't love every minute, and many times I've wished I'd been in a career I was enjoying and could have returned to part time after having my son - that would perhaps have been the ideal. But, overall it is working for us. Because of the way I felt about my work, I'm so glad I'm spending my time with my son and not on a career I don't ultimately want to pursue further. Not quite sure what will be happening post baby number 2 (due in Sept) - it does raise questions such as 'how long can I be out of work? how can i logisitically retrain? how could i pay childcare for 2 even if I did go back? What will I do when I do go back anyway??' etc etc. Funnily enough I've only recently had the 'where is my brain' moments people ask you about when you haven't gone back to work, and I think that's because I'm pregnant again so I know I won't be working for quite a while yet.

I really am rambling so one last point - I actually have found 18 months plus to be way more enjoyable than the small baby days, so could imagine in a parallel life I'd have wanted my husband to take time off work for that bit, and I could have taken my turn at the later stage.

[bluesuperted]

That is exactly how I see it Belle - a longer maternity leave than our society normally allows. Of course I too will go back to work - probably for 30 years more even if I were to take 10 years out with the way pensions/the workforce are going!

I used to work in advertising and I would definitely have struggled to go back to that in any shape or form (for reasons of pressure and motivation as it wasn't the career for me long term) unless I had planned on getting pregnant sharpish - think the monetary considerations of company mat leave/SMP cause many to jump back in 'until the next baby'.

I also think I'm very lucky in that the job I have just retrained to do is very family friendly, female dominated and the kind of sector where having taken extended stay at home mum leave wouldn't be an issue in securing a future job. I know lots of careers and jobs don't work like that and it must be very difficult to have to make an all or nothing decision about a job you love, or even rather like. For me, I'm don't have to say goodbye to being a speech therapist, just a 'see you later and look forward to doing a brief refresher course'. Like many (all!) aspects of parenting, it's so individual and unclearcut!

[Belle]

Must say SLT is one area I'm looking into re retraining!

[bluesuperted]

Belle - can tell you all about the postgraduate course and the career in general. Am passionate about it: it's AMAZING! Second best thing I ever did ;) (oops, third, forgot about husband).

[Belle]

Oh please pm me about it if/when you get a chance! Thanks x

[Princess]

I too am a SAHM but I was more or less forced into it when I was made redundant just before I was due back to work following a years mat leave. I also discovered in the same week that I was 6 weeks pregnant (quite a surprise)! My situation made looking for another job, part time at the same level impossible so, I set myself up as a freelancer and have been lucky to get quite a bit of work but it's nearly killed me! With no child care provision or family close by working all night to meet deadlines and then doing a full days childcare the next day has become a regular occurrence.

Like Belle, I found the first year incredibly challenging and if I'm being honest, I was quite keen to get back to work. However, I can honestly say the past 6 months with my son have been a joy (obviously we have bad days too)! He is 'coming on' in leaps and bounds and to a certain degree I do attribute this to him being at home and feeling secure (I would probably be saying the same thing if i'd have returned to work and he'd have been in nursery 4 days a week too though)!

With no.2 on the way in about 5 weeks, we have had to make some serious lifestyle changes. We will be leaving ED so we can afford a bigger house and garden all on my husband's salary. We have made the long term decision that I won't go back to work until the kids are in school however I might potentially look at training to be a childminder in the future. This seems much more sensible than trying to juggle freelance work around nap times etc and will give me a huge sense of pride to see the little ones grow and develop in my care not to mention a small degree of financial independence.

I think the SAHM is a dying breed in London (it seems less so amongst my friends outside London) perhaps this is largely down to the financial pressure to have to return to work? I certainly have found it very difficult to meet other SAHM's with kids the same age as my first (18 months) in the past 6 months which is a shame as it can leave you feeling quite isolated. However, from my experience this is the only downside to being a SAHM. I can honestly say I'm pleased fate played the hand she did!

[Ruth_Baldock]

I'm about to go on maternity, but my employers are not going to be offering

me another contract at the end of my 'leave'. So it looks like I'll be a full time SAHM for the forseeable future. Some days, I am thrilled about this but a lot of the time I worry- I'm not a natural, or very self motivated (would rather play with seb at home/take him for walks than lts of playgroups etc) and I also suffer from depression, and it just gets a bit too much sometimes. I also worry about money, ho hum! However, I've managed to raise a happy, confident and funny little chap over the past 17mo, even though for half that time I was either pregnan or suffering from PND, so I must be doing a good Job somehow! I never thought this is where I'd be just before I turned 26, but the world moves in mysterious ways...or whatever the saying is. My best friend is also a SAHM, she lives in Surrey, and she knew she wanted to be at home with their daughter the moment she found out she was pregnant. Very different to me, I must say.

[new mother]

I have now been at home for quite a while. I am happy at home but absolutely loved my job. My problem is that I simply cannot leave my girls with anyone. I don't feel they will get as careful attention from others and i feel that, given that I chose to have them, it is my duty to be with them. But as I say, I really envy women who do not have these concerns as I think it would make my life much easier and we would be much better off if I went back to a well paid job and found a nanny.

[Belle]

I did work out that we wouldn't make much money by the time we'd paid childcare if I went back,and certainly with two I doubt we'd be in profit. Though of course it would be a longer term investment as I'd hope my pay wouldn't be static.

Princess - hats off to you. I struggled when I started freelance work last summer, and managed 2-3 months of fitting it into naps etc before sorting out a childminder one day a week. We don't do a v long day with her so financially it works out, even on the weeks I don't have work, as long as I have some months where I have a lot. My work requires some time in the office, and working face to face with colleagues, and I'd been relying on husband's leave and occasional grandma help when that happened, which just wasn't sustainable. I do feel really guilty when I have stretches of no work, but then being a full time mum is a bit more than 5 days work isn't it?! So I try to enjoy it if I get a break. Btw a friend of mine recently moved out of London (also a SAHM) and is doing some childminding and really enjoying it.

[Pickle]

I've been at home with children for nearly 4.5 years now and can't imagine life any other way.

I do a little bit of accountancy work from home (that was my job in my "previous" life, I'm a CA), as well as being part of a number of musical groups and my little knitting business - but the majority of my time is taken up with looking after my two children and running the household.

Both Mr Pickle and I had Mum's at home when we were growing up, and we both felt strongly when we first met that we would want the same for our children. I'm lucky in that he is very successful in his job and financially we can afford for me to be at home.

As a child I loved that my Mum (and Dad so some extent as he was a shift worker) could come and help out on school trips etc, and am looking forward to being able to do the same for my kids. I know it's probably quite an old fashioned approach, but for us it works well.

[Strawbs]

HI

This is something I would love to do.. My mum was not a stay at home mum, in fact worked and studied at night for a couple of nights and I always thought I'd like to stay at home when I had children. With number 1 on the way we are now thinking about this but living in London it is difficult to give up one's salary.. I am thinking of training as a child minder and saving on nursery costs for my child but also making enough to cover the gap by helping someone and looking after their child during the week. Its all just a thought / dream for me at the moment though.. we will need to see how we go..

[Ole]

I quit work just before I was due to return to work and whilst at first I was not happy (I quit because of employer pressure), now I think it is the best thing I ever did. At first I juggled freelancing with full time care, so like you Princess I was working through the night to meet deadlines and then spending the day with a 1 year old. This was not sustainable so I enrolled him to a nursery which he goes to 9-5 two days a week so it means that those days I can get on with freelance work, but it also means that if he is feeling poorly, if it is an inset day, or we go on holiday, there is no pressure as I can take as many days 'off' as I want. This works very well for us as I think this flexibility was worth my sacrificing my job.

[Otta]

My wife would love to be a full time SAHM, and I would love it too. However, we just didn't think we could manage financially, so she went back to work 3 days, and it has made her miserable. She has just started maternity leave ahead of the arrival of our second, and I think after this, she'll go back 2 days, which will be much better.

[snowboarder]

I'm currently a stay at home mum with 2 little ones - for similar reasons to many already put forward - found the first couple of months of motherhood hard and am (was?) in a profession which is male dominated and tricky to work part time if you want to work on good projects and be successful. My husband will always earn more than me (due to profession) and so I think it would really have been me doing all the pick up/drop offs etc. And also I just can't imagine anyone else looking after my babies - I don't have a problem at all with the concept, just the reality for me.

I realise we are lucky to have the option - and we certainly made the decision fully aware that our income would be compromised. In addition by making this decision my husband is able to work the hours he does without worrying about childcare issues. I did think about doing some freelance work - and actually did a couple of days but it was sooo hard and such a rush - and then I found I was expecting number 2 baby, so kind of gave up.

I worry about what I will do in the future - that in 2 years I've basically removed myself from the market and HOW will I get back in - and do I want to?!? I also wonder whether professionally I have let myself down - I trained long and hard and worked solidly long hours pre babies. I also feel that there is some stigma attached to not working - and as others have said somehow feel the need to justify it/joke about it! I have had people ask me how I could have just given up work when I had a good job - umm...well..you see I have these little people to look after now...!!

Luckily I have a number of friends in similar situations so I don't feel too ostracised. I and DO enjoy not having to face horrible commutes/stressful clients/unworkable deadlines. I just need a lightbulb moment when I work out what I will do in the longterm. They didn't mention at school when they were telling us we could run the country if we wanted that part time would be tricky....

[Belle]

snowboarder Wrote:

They didn't

> mention at school when they were telling us we

> could run the country if we wanted that part time

> would be tricky....

True!!

[crystal7]

snowboarder Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

They didn't

> mention at school when they were telling us we

> could run the country if we wanted that part time

> would be tricky....

Ha! Very true or that it's very hard to run to country when you've got to be back for pick up at 5! I work 3 days per week which I know in some ways I'm lucky to do but the juggling is hard. I feel guilty leaving E (though she loves her CM now) and guilty at work that I'm not putting in the hours my colleagues do, plus the pick ups and drop offs are are a pain especially now pregnant. I feel envious of you SAHMs sometimes but it's incredibly hard and tiring work and lots of my friends who work part time say their days in work are a break (I'm a teacher so I don't share that view!) Not sure what we'll do after baby 2 arrives, it cetainly wont make financial sense for me to return to work initially but I'd worry about finding part time hours in a new job...

[anna75]

Crystal, c/minding/set up a mini nursery? People would love a former teacher to be looking after their children surely? Then, of course, go back to teaching when your littler one is 4/5. (4 or 5, not 0.8 I mean ;-))

[crystal7]

anna75 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Crystal, c/minding/set up a mini nursery? People

> would love a former teacher to be looking after

> their children surely? Then, of course, go back to

> teaching when your littler one is 4/5. (4 or 5,

> not 0.8 I mean ;-))

I have thought of this! At the moment our place is too small for c/minding but we're planning to move soon after baby 2 arrives so you never know...

[bluesuperted]

I've thought of it too - SLT childminder hybrid anyone? ;)

Belle - will defo send you a detailed message when on the laptop next! x

[anna75]

it isn't difficult to get the quals and OFSTED reg etc. (needed for parents who are claiming back the tax)

very good for the years when your own ch are at home anyway....

a teaching career should allow you to return, no? as long as you keep up on the latest theories, some of which will be discredited by the time you go back anyway. ;-)

[millsa]

sophie, thanks for starting the thread, and others for contributing - your comments ring a lot of bells!

My son is nearly three and baby is 8-months-old. He is in nursery three days a week but he only started when he was over 2. We were offered a place when he was 12, and then 18 months old, but I just didn't feel it was the right time to leave him, he was still a baby... When he turned two I felt more ready to leave him, and also I was just about to have baby no 2. I loved spending time with him, I have decided to stay at home with my baby until she is at least two, but I will probably stay longer as I don't think I will be able to find a new part-time job which will pay much more then just covering the cost of childcare.

All my friends have gone back to work after max 12 months, I have felt lonely at various groups as most other carers were childminders, I felt ostracised and have justified to others that I am freelancing every now and then etc. But then I look at my mummies friends who work part time and most of them say that they do full-time hours in two or there days, that it is very hard to juggle, rushing to pick the kids up etc, and I know that I don't want to do it. I also look at my son and think: he will start school next year and that's it, that's my baby gone...

It is hard hard hard work and we have bad days when I am exhausted but I really love looking after my children. They grow up so quickly. At the same time I worry a bit as I don't know what's going to happen to my professional life in a few years time. But I try to convince myself that it is all worth it as, if I wasn't around, nobody would give me back those precious first years with my little ones.

[sophiechristophy]

I do think it's hard, reconciling being a stay at home mum against the experience of growing up as a girl these days, re: what snowboarder said. There doesn't seem to be a place in society for the role - I definitely think that the expectation is that women go back to work after having children. There doesn't seem to be much importance placed on the value of a mum being their full time for her children - that the other options are just as good so why bother staying at home. Which then I think makes it hard for women who do stay at home. Or am I just a paranoid sahm??!!!!

[pebbles]

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids (nearly 4 and nearly 2).

3 reasons for being so - my job didn't pay enough for it to be worthwhile me going back part time, my husband luckily earnt enough for me to be able not to earn money, and i wanted to stay at home with the children (althogh trust me there have been times that I wished i did work!!!!)

My husband has his own company so I do his accounts during naps/evenings and my bro just set up on his own and again I've helped him as well (however that all came to breaking point over the last few months and I've now officially finished with helping bro as I just couldn't balance it all with trying to be a good mummy, wife and homemaker - everything was getting out of hand so I do really really respect all the mummy's who work from offices or from home and balance childcare - amazing.

Interestingly I've got a friend who went back to work when no.1 was 6m old and at same time with no2 however no1 is just about to start school and she has quit and will be finishing in August as she feels being at home while they're at school is more important than the early years. It's the first time I've heard of it and having thought about it I can really see why she's chosen this way - so are there any ED mummy's out there who have made the same choice of going back to work until they go to school?